Checking in
Day 643
Work is going well. Im currently working by myself while my client is on a home visit… so its quite boring here. Had to do a WHMIS test which was actually much harder than I expected it to be. But got it done. Feeling a little “broken” today and trying not to compare myself with others. Theres a group of moms that meet up who all share something in common and i am welcome to join in on these events, bcuz i too share this same thing in common. But boy do i ever feel alone and different from them all. I look a little “rougher” compared to them and i feel like me being an addict, really puts me apart from them in a sense. Thing is, is that this is probably all in my head lol they dont know my past issue with drugs and so they would probably never guess that I have gone thru what i have. I want to participate but dont feel comfortable I guess. Idk, I find myself isolating alot when it comes to social events. Not that that is generally a bad thing but its nice to make healthy connections. One day at a time 
Dana you are a beautiful vibrant young woman. You have been through hell and back and you are standing. Do not let addiction define you. As you suspect, your fears are in your head as they don’t know your past. They are drawn to your charisma and loving aura.
I know it’s scary to jump into new settings and it can be uncomfortable at the beginning socializing with new people. You won’t know if you click until you give it a try.
It is important to make healthy connections but do it at your pace…just don’t let your past hold you back from thriving in your present 
Checking in day 64 off the booze. 15 days off of xanax. I had previosly done around 16 months off booze but relapsed and went on a 2 week binder. During my 16 months i was taking xanex daily. I wasnt abusing them and i was very set on taking a milligram a day… i felt like i needed them as I worked in a bar/restaraunt as a server and would be very anxious without them. I have since quit that job and am working with a friend who is also an alcoholic with 8 months sobriety. Some days are better than others but for the most part i believe that being completely sober is the right path for me. I want what so many of the long time sober people have, and I dont think i would ever find that through taking pills to compensate for not drinking. Thats all I have for today. Odaat.
today has been rough but in a different way. about to post about it now
599 days 
The silly season is approaching, and I am trying my best to be aware of the triggers for me in this season. My last boozy bender occurred for 4 months after ‘just having a drink or two at the Christmas parties’.
I was able to really enjoy last Christmas sober, and I’ve been quite strong in my sobriety this year. And funnily enough, the warm weather is out, I walked past an old place my husband and o would enjoy a pint of beer and I had my first strong craving again out of nowhere. So I’m vigilant, I’m aware this is a difficult season for me, and I will keep stacking up the sober days.
Life is profoundly better when I am sober!
day 626 of no self harm. TW for emotional/physical abuse and disordered eating
my mom and sister had a really bad argument today. exactly how my mom and I used to argue before I lost all hope of trying to reason with her. I’ve been thinking that she’s a narcissist lately. everything is about her and she’s so manipulative and gaslights people. it’s emotional abuse essentially. my sister was so upset, i get so scared when she’s upset because i don’t want her to end up like me. I’d do anything to stop that.
i realized I probably have PTSD. with my post yesterday and how often I dissociate it got me thinking. I’ve neber known a safe environment. I’m just tired of walking on eggshells. my dad occasionally got physically aggressive when I was a kid. he never beat me but he would drag me to my room by my arms and leave marks. and even though he never did anything life threatening I did fear for my life many times. he can be frightening. my mom has never been someone I can trust or talk to. I’m just so tired. I just want to rest without having to worry. i can’t even cry in my own bedroom because if my mom heard or found out she would be mad or say I have nothing to be upset about.
i don’t know. i haven’t been eating much again. to the point I woke up in the middle of the night with hunger pains so bad I wanted to scream. and even then I continued to try to google ways that I could fix them without eating. and then Thanksgiving is coming up which is a big trigger for my eating issues.
at this point I’m here for my sister. i just want to make things as good as they can be for my sister but I think I’ve mostly given up on myself
silly season is the best way to describe this time of year. we can get through it proud of you 🩷
Sober day 2. Anxiety is bad but otherwise feeling okay. Except for conjunctivitis in both eyes that is not responding to antibiotic eye drops. That can FRO.
Bought pretty new yarn to crochet a scarf for my friend. So it’s a quiet Saturday evening watching college football and crocheting.
OFDAAT
you got this! crochet away all of your worries
Morning sober fam 
Checking in today. I’ll make a to-do-list straight after this, and note some relapse prevention plans to help better deal with not just future cravings but their root causes.
Have a good day or night 
Missed Day 60 so checking in on Day 61:
Yesterday was a busy day, but definitely a good day. I made it to the gym in the morning for the 5th day in a row, slowly getting back into the groove. Work wasn’t bad at all, pretty easy for a Friday. Went to the Utah Jazz game last night with my daughter and a friend. We had a great time, ate too much junk food and enjoyed a really good game that the Jazz unfortunately lost. Love spending time with my daughter, she is a huge Lauri Markkanen, Finnish basketball player who plays for the Jazz, so she was completely into the game! So fun being with her!
Slept uncommonly great last night, woke up at 9:30! Had my coffee and some delicious avocado and cottage cheese toast with pepitas, so good! Trying to take advantage of the lack of snow here in Utah so far this year so went on a hike with a friend this morning. Came home, watched some football, got a good workout in and now I’m preparing my grocery list as Thanksgiving dinner is suddenly going to be at my house. Honestly I love having it at my home, but a little more notice would have been great, oh well!
Got caught up on all my reading on here, seems like there are a lot of people struggling, hang in there, good times ebb and flow. Successfully managing the lows makes the highs even that more rewarding.
Wishing everyone the best, much love!
Sorry you are still not feeling better. Hope you recover soon. A huge congrats on your 30 days!!! Keep kicking ass 
Back home and made it with good time. The weather held the rest of the way making it a smooth drive.
I’m doing okay, but I know a wave is going to come crashing down at some point, followed by a tsunami.
I’m taking it day by day and finding myself becoming more and more grateful for what I have around me and feeling an urge to start being a more physically healthy version of me.
Glad that I have tomorrow to unwind before the work week restarts.
That voice is annoying and yet powerful for sure. There seem to be two ways to deal with it. One is to fight it, many people give it a name ‘the wine witch’ etc and argue with it. It works for some. Personally, I found engaging with the voice (even mentally) kinda gave it more power. I would just notice the voice, and move on. A bit like if you have small child who wants more dessert after dinner, arguing and rationalising just aggravates the situation. Just say “I hear you, but you are not getting any” (dessert for the imaginary child, booze or drugs for yourself). And by the way, those thoughts popping up doesn’t mean you are failing. Thoughts pop up, it is what you DO that is important.
I can understand feeling left out. I permanently feel like I am on the outskirts of every ‘group’ I am in. I think it is more about what is going on in my head that the group. Maybe it is the same for you? If you have something in common then you can be in the group. That is all. And you don’t look ‘rough’ at all. You are lovely looking, and certainly now have a wonderful peace in your eyes. 
1625
My workweek starts here. It’s early but I feel OK, even though switching from late to early shifts is not the greatest. And I feel it gets harder as my years advance. It’s easier than when I drank though. Life may be still tough but drinking made it endlessly worse.
It’s getting harder to imagine me sitting here, having my coffee with alcohol still on my breath and running around my system. Writing it down I actually do remember. What a total shitty feeling that was. Never again. Have as good a day as you can all friends. Sober and clean. Love form my little square.
14 days, 2 weeks. My mood has improved and the morning is becoming my favourite part of the day!
@Mno - You painted such a familiar picture in my mind as I read your post. It made my skin crawl in disgust of that shitty feeling, and I’m grateful for that 
Grateful that I know I don’t ever have to feel that way again. Thank you 
276
I slept in til 9:20! I was still feeling sick? tired? idk, so I binged a show all afternoon lying on the couch. Work was a major shitshow. GM was out and our manager dropped the ball, as usual. The kitchen started suffering and then it just snowballed. Everyone waiting an hour for their food. People walking out bc it took too long. After a fight in the kitchen with the chef, our manager disappeared to her office to hide. She brought it on herself. My tables were understanding and I had a great night, tho stressful.
I almost said no to going out with the gang, but after I was able to sit and eat for a few minutes, I felt sooo much better and said ‘fuck it, why not? I don’t have anything to do til 7pm tomorrow’. I’m glad I did. My 5 years sober friend came too so that was nice. She’s been seeing a new man so we haven’t gotten together in a while. It felt like I needed some more human interaction. Now that I’m only working 2-4 days a week, I have so much more solitary time. I do enjoy it, but sometimes enough is enough.
Anyway, I’ve been in a great mood since. It’s really late now so I should wind down in hopes to get anything done tomorrow. But if I don’t, that’s okay too. Hope everyone has a great Sunday 🩷