I’m late on reading this but have felt this way a lot in my life. I saw a Facebook memory of a post I made where I asked people to say one thing they think of when they think of me. I read through it again and it surprised the hell out of me. Surprised me at the time, too, but it’s amazing what we forget when time passes. Just want to say that sometimes our beliefs about ourselves can be wrong. Sometimes we have these feelings about what kind of person we are and other people don’t feel that way or it’s more nuanced than we think. We all have our nuances and our traits but I think we are our own worst critics, too. 
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Totally agree, but I am very very reserved a lot of the time too, genuinely a bit anti social. I think I need to learn patience, acceptance and to let things go. Am ten hours into an ACOA handbook and workbook and learning a lot. So much to take in about myself.
I agree with you though that people don’t much really think that deeply (about others) and that self beliefs are just perception and often laced with sabotage or askew thinking.
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Truth. I’m so glad you’re getting something out of some self reflection. It really is important. I think so, anyway. Good on you.
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Day 10/11
Keeping on. Swam at lunch time which was lovely and refreshing. Released the endorphins and kept my emotional side more stable. I’m able to be much more reasonable and balanced when I have had a work out or swim. I only then feel easy clarification and focus. Like I’m lighter and unburdened.
Told work I’m leaving at 4 tomorrow. Need to take that swim session at 4.30pm, and I’ve done so much overtime this week, they can’t and didn’t deny me. It’s the good season where the sun sets through the window as you swim up one end and the moon is usually visible as you return through the reverse windows. I love that hour on Fridays, it sets my sober intentions like a weekend bracket being placed. 
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Haven’t checked in for some time. Still on my dental work journey. Had temporary crowns put in earlier this week and so far so good, plenty of pain but it seems they got all the nerve out, it’s just gum pain. I was meant to go to the eye doctor this morning but I woke up with a terrible sore throat. Tis the season. I’m working on an attitude adjustment. I was about ready to quit TS and for no good reason. I know this habit of mine to escape, to abandon and run away when I’m not at my best. I must work through this. And I am. My husband went to trivia at the bar last night and I used to go with him, sober, and it was our only regular social outing. But it got to be too much, and so now I’m faced with how to find my own social life. He says the bar isn’t as raucous as it was when I quit going. I still need to find my own thing. So today I’m just in a weepy and upset mode and working through it. A nice long walk with Lupe in this sunny day will help, I’m sure of it. More snow coming tomorrow.
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Day 320.
Yeah… my sore throat keeps getting worse. I can barely talk, not that I have anything interesting to say, and I’m in a stupid amount of pain, I can’t even think straight.
Fuck, this is quinsy all over again. Please don’t let it be quinsy, the last thing I need in the world right now is a needle down my throat.
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@alycia way to go on your 19 months! Ooh a trip to Bali – sounds lovely and exciting. A great way to celebrate your sobriety and healthier lifestyle :muscle
@hakeemosman way to go Hakeem — 90 days is an amazing milestone. Keep kicking ass 
looking forward to celebrating many more with you!
@mischa84 LOL – love your sense of humor and hells yeah to being a BADASS! 5 months is amazing work!!.
@liz22 way to go on your 30 day milestone! Keep going strong
@ceeds 111 is an awesome number! Grateful for all your healing in the past 5 years and so grateful for the failed suicide attempts. You are doing amazingly well friend – keep it going :musle:
@barber508 way to go on 80 days! Keep stacking on these days!
@sillyandsober congrats on your double digits. I know it seems like a far off goal but triple digits is in your reach too. Just concentrate on the here and now – taking it one day at a time. Like you, I can not jut have one or moderate cause it quickly becomes way more and I know that nothing good comes from that lifestyle for me. Keep kicking addictions ass!
@juli1 sending love to you my friend. Grateful you are ok and staying sober. Much love my dear friend - 
@soberwalker WOW – congrats on your test results! What a lovely treasure to find – thank you for sharing! 
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Hi friends,
I am having a very hard few days. I had tried writing it out here but then it got VERY long and so I went to start a post and even that was so long, and just the details I suppose dont really matter.
I have been cut out of my dads side of the family, as a result of me addressing problems that have gone on for a very long time but were playing out in real time after my sister died and we were caring for my nephew. It was the first time I actually addressed things with my dad and it was very hard and very painful, but their actions and behaviour were not good. In the short, my sister and I were always peripheral members of rhat family, though vocally its always been said we’re a family and mean so much etc. Mostly by my stepmom who is a very very trounled person, and has cut my sister and I out multiple times over the years for months if not a year at a time. Its just so dysfunctional, and yet I dont think i really saw the whole picture of it till my sister died…and i was watching how they were disrespecting her, my mom and I, and my nephew.
Anyway, we have a younger sister who is our step sister through my step mom. I had always thought we had a good relationship, even if we werent that close. I thought she understood my issues with the parents, because she has always lived with them (my sister and I have never had a room in that house since…no not since we did not have a room in the house even when we were little after my step mom moved in. Even though my step sister lived there even with her husband, they lived their as adults for 2 or 3 years and even went back). I dont know i just thought, differently not like she was judging me but since I fought with my dad and my step mom read messages I sent him and has cut me out this last year and a half my step sister has been very dry and never talks to me. I just asked her why and she gave me a list saying Im scary, ungrateful towards the parents and all of these things that I realize has been a narrative my atepmom has been spinning in that house for a long long time. My mom called this years ago, and I was just so in defense of them as my family even if we were different and I never resentsd or was jealous of my stepsister for getrinf to live a very lavish life with our parents while my other sister abd I did not. My sister who died lived in poverty because she had a very serious disability and then she had a severely disabled child. They were just never around, never supported her and yet the lip service was always how much of a family they were.
Me calling things out TO MY DAD to address issues has just made me the bad guy. I guess its easier to have this common ungrateful horrible enemy, then to acknowledge their selfish behaviour and how my sister and I are optional members of the family who were slowly but surely being pushed out. I have now been completely pushed out, and just was not expecting this from my step sister… as someone who does see them all the time and lived with them, she knows how horribly dysfunctiobal and problematic they are and will say it. But im not allowed to talk about my issues with my dad, to my dad, or to her.
Anyway none of this is a surprise as I have hardly heard from her in a year. This was the dynamic of our family. But I am sad, it took the wind right out of me and it was like finally I know now that its true. My stepmom has been that level of bad, she has been slowly poisoning my family against me and thats why she cut us out all those times, thats why shed always go on and on to me about how horrible my father was. She was laying the ground work for the divide. Im just. So tirwd of this and them, and wow. After all their crap all these years, I never cut them out. Its me, they cut me out.
Fuck it i am posting this! I feel like deleting it again but to hell with it i wrote it and this is just my check in.
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@tragicfarinelli ah love I read this and just wanted to give you a hug. You are not lazy and the name calling may be a self defense mechanism but it is only hurting you further. I am grateful that you are seeing this character trait about yourself and wanting to work on it. Please be kind to yourself in the process. We all have something we need worked on and in sobriety our mannerisms come into light to ourselves as we are not hiding behind our addictions. Much love to you Congrats on your double digits!!
@shybert hey friend – 25 days is great work! I totally understand the holiday urge to try that one drink. Hang tough friend – check in here when you feel urges, be prepared beforehand with an out from gatherings, have options for yourself so you have something safe to drink in hand. We have come too far to go back to day 1. That one drink always leads to a spiral for me and I need to keep away from the first sip. We got your back here. Together, we can make it though this holiday season 
@cindy1010 Grateful that you stuck it out and did not go to the shop! Huge congrats to day 4! This is not an easy journey but we can do it ODAAT – keep going strong
@mno grateful that you were able to sit with your feelings and work through them. 
Hope you had a better day
@jules000 Grateful that you got the tests done and are working on healing your body. I am not familiar with sparing liver diagnosis. Hopefully, someone else here will be able to shed some light on it. I know that I am doing a liver cleanse and liver massages to help reactivate the liver. The liver is very resilient. Sending you love and comfort. I am so sorry that you are having urges to cut today. I know for some, drawing with a sharpie helps. Thank you for sharing with us – reach out if you need to talk.
@runningfree ugh I’m sorry to hear that you are sick with Covid Jennifer. I do hope that the meds start working full speed soon. Grateful that the body aches are better today
@rosacando So grateful that you did not leave TS and are able to see yourself falling into dissociative behavior. Sending you love Rosa. You are not alone and I know with the move, health crap and fighting your addiction on a daily basis it can become overwhelming. Are you able to look into meet up groups in your area? I sometimes just scroll through the app to see if something of interest jumps out at me. You could possibly even find a group activity with Lupe. Sending you comfort – hope your dental journey is not as painful these days.
@mira_d oh love – i am so sorry. Glad you did not delete the post - grateful that you shared and let it out. I do hope that just typing it out and hitting send helped you somewhat. Big hugs to you my friend. It hurts when your close loved ones treat you like a stranger / outsider or worse. I don’t have words but can offer you comfort in a hug.
Checking in on Thursday morning…
Been working on this check in for hours now. Can’t believe it is already 2 pm. I am super tired and just not feeling well today. Not sick or Covid just blah. Will be fine with rest – heading back to sleep now LOL.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love
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Thank you…
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Checking in on day 396 AF from a freezing West coast of Scotland.
Kept myself busy all day today. Work, chores, 45min gym session and a quick dinner.
Now 7.45pm and I’m on the couch watching football on TNT Sports. HJK Helsinki vs Aberdeen - look at the weather conditions 
The game was stopped for 15mins or so whilst 3 tractors cleared away some of the snow.
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700 days sober as F***!
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67 AF
*Alcohol free I mean
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Hi Mira. Glad you didn’t delete it, it’s good to have a place to vent. And it’s our place 
Not much to say, some people are just evil and some ppl are weak and let those evil ones manipulate them. You are doing great. You are strong and they can kiss your ass 
Much love 
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Appreciate it so much Mischa. Its been a long time coming I guess I didnt want to see it, but in the end it is for the best.
Appreciate the support Im just so emotionally drained. Xo.
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Woot woot 
…700 days is fantastic! Keep it going
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Thank you so much Jasmine it means a lot. I am just getting over the stomach flu as well and it going through the house, so this just has me feeling so down and out of myself.
I hope the feelings will pass, but for now I know I have to stick to the advice I give others from time to time. Its okay to feel sad, its okay when tjings happen to feel stuck and even to sit in it and let it wash over you. Oh its washing and I am horribly sad, and even a bit angry. Mostly feeling like a fool for at least trusting as much that I was a worthy family member. Have to let go, and continue to build my own life. But it is sad for me. Xo.
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Happy Thursday! Day 44. Today would have been the day I started to feel semi functional had I been drinking over the long Thanksgiving weekend. But, I didn’t, and it’s been a great week. I get blood work tomorrow for my Dr appointment next week. Not going to stress over it because there isn’t anything I can do. Best case I find out everything is fine and I continue to keep up doing the next right thing. Any other results and I deal with them appropriately.
Have an awesome sober day!!
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Mira, I’m so sorry for your sadness and pain. You don’t deserve it. I have experienced almost the same, from both parents and step parents, and various half sisters, brothers and step siblings….
It is torture, it is breathtakingly hurtful. But still, you are NOT TO BLAME. Try and be kind to yourself, and just remember that you can rise above this with some grace and self love. You SM sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. Divide and conquer is the family way for the narcissist to gain control of the pawns. So they cut you off, but also, you gained a level of freedom from their game playing and cruel persuasion and manipulation.
Make sure you take care of you and your own immedites. Sending you love and a hug
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day 269
Met a good friend for lunch today, that was a nice change. A bit of socialising was just what I needed.
Now snuggled in bed with a good book, what else to do when it’s freezing cold outside? I’m usually not one for doing the gratitude thing, but boy am I grateful for that heated blanket! In my 18 years living in England, I think I’ve never experienced it that cold in November.
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