Day 13
Decided to take control of a few things today I decided to sell a few of my possessions to pay off my drug bill for me to have less worry…I raist 80%bof what I owed and am now in a much better position head wise. Usually I would be using and drinking at this time of a Thursday or after having a stressful day like today would be doing the same the urge was there was I got threw it and am not relaxing watching telly…
A big step taking today which I am so happy about long may it continue 
It’s so bloody cold at the minute. 
Day 425 af
I feel okay, I’m pretty calm today 
I don’t know if it’s already the antidepressants or simply the fact that I’m at home since almost 3 weeks. Hopefully both 
The minor side effects I had are gone.
I was grocery shopping, went to the pharmacy and to the postal office today and felt no anxiety 
Oh, and my racing mind starts to get more and more silent.
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong 
Checking in sober.
Feel like crap. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really need to find a way to get some more work done this evening because I’ll be out of work half of tomorrow. But can’t get my brain to focus.
I’m still just hating life. Which makes no sense so then I feel guilty about hating life. People are disappointing me right now. I’m tired of putting in effort where it isn’t matched.
Going to scream or cry or both.
OFDAAT
So glad to hear about the results @SoberWalker that really are good news!!!
And your little left behind not only made me smile but warmed my heart and “achterlatertje” !!! omg … what a lovely word !!! I really really love your Dutch language, everything sounds somehow cosy and nice in my ears 
Good night my dear and have another lovely sober day tomorrow
Made it back home safe and sound.
I really craved a glass of wine tonight after that long long day of travelling and as it always was a ritual coming back from a trip and having the good night’s booze.
Not tonight though. Just turned into day 125 AF
Had to turn to chocolate instead… Now I’m a bit sugar sick but sober and trying to sleep but still so over the top.
Hope I can have a good lie in tomorrow and not suffering too bad from the jetlag.
Good night sober peeps… Sending love and good vibes to all of you.
Checking In
Day 655
Idk about today. Its been good for the most part I guess. I had a relaxing morning. Got my son on the bus and then went back to bed until noon. Had a nice relaxing shower and did dishes. Prepped supper and then picked my son up from the bus. Hes been having some behavioural issues at school and so my husband and I needed to talk to him about that. He also was diagnosed earlier this year as having a specific phobia so ive been trying doing some research on psychologists to help him, as this phobia is very distressing for him. Im just tired of recieving calls from his school. The calls arent always “bad” but they arent always good either. We are trying our best to help him. He didnt recieve the same sort of upbringing as alot of other kids. He has been dealing with some serious medical stuff since he was 2 and not able to attend daycare or anything like that as there needed to be a trained person with him at all times and daycares couldnt provide that. Socially hes probably a bit younger than other kids his age bcuz he hasnt been exposed to alot of things socially in different environments. But we are trying to fix that. His phobia is very unique so im hoping there is a psychologist that can help with that. Just going to keep trying to improve things day by day for him. Hope everyone has a fantastic day/night 
Day 73:
Slept through 5 alarms this morning so I missed my morning gym workout. Hate when that happens. I’m deaf in my left ear, friend fired a shotgun right next to my left ear while we were dove hunting in my mid 20’s. My ear rang constantly for 3 months, but the hearing eventually came back and then slowly began fading in my late 30’s until it was eventually gone in my early
40’s. So if I’m really tired and sleep on my good ear I can sleep through anything!
Woke up at 5:30 and completed my November workout challenge. Headed to work for an easier day. With work being lighter I was able to make the 5:00 class at my gym, feels good getting my workouts in every day.
Tired and on my couch now, watching the Christmas tree lights change from white to colored, peaceful. I like the calm, quietness of my home at night. Thankful to be sober and be able to enjoy all of this.
902 days af. Just plodding along. Congratulations @HakeemOsman on 90 days and @Wakikki on 700! Awesome!
Thanks so much!
Not even sure how many days I’ve been abstinent… This time around I didn’t count, just started, and I’d say it’s somewhere in the 1-3 week range? Hard to tell by feeling alone…
Each time I’m more switched on and mindful though, so I’m relatively confident in myself and my ability to pull through. The past few weeks have seen a lot of good things! Had my crave waves, but tackling thoughts early on, as soon as they arise rather than allowing myself to play with fire long enough for them to grow out of control, and consciously preventing/avoiding triggers have been super important.
I think I’ll post a more extensive self-analysis again soon…
288
Finally I have a few dinner shifts this week. That’s where the money is, and I need it. My financial struggle is really coming to a head. I had to ask my parents to borrow money, again 
I’ve always said to myself ‘as long as you’re working the money will come and things will work out’, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve kept up on important bills but have neglected the wifi bc I don’t really need it. Except I kinda do bc wifi calling is the only way I get service where I live. I should have at least paid a part of it bc I got a letter today saying if it’s not paid in full by the 2nd, it’ll be shut off. So my rent is due tomorrow and I don’t think my paycheck, plus what I have in the bank, will cover both. My credit card is basically maxed. I haven’t even used it in months, just the couple automatic payments connected to it. My car still needs 3 tires before I can pass inspection, which is a month overdue. My insurance changed and my copays went up substantially and I have bills from 3 offices. Plus Christmas. That’s the hardest one. I just want it to be nice for my daughter. She doesn’t even want/need much but at this point there ain’t gonna be anything.
Being at this point, thinking of everything that needs to be done, leaves me mentally crippled. When I get overwhelmed, simple things, like making a phone call, seem impossible to do and I keep putting it off making it even worse. I wish my brain worked differently. I’m sure you can all relate to that.
I am very grateful to have my parents, who are very well off in their retirement and always help out when I need it. I just hate the fact that I’ve buried myself into this place through so many bad decisions in the past and that I need the help. I haven’t been this poor since before my daughter was born. Sure wish I was still receiving that $45 a week for child support. Another task to add to my list.
Anyway. My mood is okay through all this. I’m just waiting for that sense of relief once some of it gets done. Thanks for reading Have a good 24 
1637
Saying goodbye to group therapy today. I’m guessing and hoping it’ll be my last group session ever. Three years, two totally different therapies (Schema and Pesso) and groups. It’s been intense. It’s been hard. I’ve learned loads but it’s enough for now.Time to use what I learned in real life. And to have every other Friday truly to myself as well from now on.
I will be continuing individual therapy, once every fortnight. I feel I can still gain from that. Love my therapist -in a healthy way 
. And maybe I’ll be looking for some other individual type of therapy that works with the body-brain-mind connection. But not sure. It might be time to move on from that.
One thing I’m not going to move on from is the connection to my fellows, my friends who work through their addictions and dependencies. My friends and fellows who I find right here. One day and one check in at a time. Can’t do it without you all. We’re in this together.
Forever in all your debts. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Much love from my hike to group therapy. The area there certainly is nice.
Day 5 AF
The funeral is done.
Lot of snow here in germany, so it was hard for my mum to walk the way… But we hugged her.
It was hard for her, I was able to take lot of care.
It was snowing all the time…
We had a silent ceremony, colorful flowers and 2 heart-shaped baloons. One was rising high up in the sky into the clouds, through the cold air and snowflakes. One is tied on the pillow of his bed.
I am okay.
Life goes on. Coffee is hot.
Thank you for your kind words @Alisa @Mno and @JazzyS @Hidden
My friend. I hope you are able to take care of yourself. And that there is some support for you like you are giving your mum. I know how hard it is for all of you. Big hugs 
20 months sober! Feels good, feels normal 
Checking in sober. Happy Friday.
Just heading into the office on day 397 days AF.
ALMOST THE WEEKEND
Sending love and a hug Juli. Take everything slow and take care of yourself.
See you in the pool soon. 
