I’ve had this thing on my mind today and I want to share it with you fine people that i’ve never shared before.
My best friend knows that the two things I hate more than anything are being patronised and being ignored. He always knew I hated being patronised but he never knew where the ignored part came from because it never used to bother me really. My dear mother told me that a couple weeks ago, she had been working in an area that’s got quite a lot of homeless people there and it took me back to when I was homeless in Prague. Mum passed this man on a really cold day outside a coffee shop and offered to buy him a coffee. She said his face absolutely lit up not because of the coffee but he was just surprised that someone could see him. He was delighted and it reminded me of when I was homeless and I don’t think anyone acknowledged me for about a week until one morning I was sat on the side of the Charles Bridge in Prague fully disengaged from reality, drunk, high and pretty much getting ready to throw myself over. 2 ladies walked past and said “Sir, are you okay?” despite looking like a fucking lunatic and I vividly remember the feeling of being acknowledged. Its about 6 years ago now but in hindsight, I was losing the fucking plot and pretty much convinced that I was pretty much invisible so my ridiculous behaviour went not unseen, but unacknowledged and when I get ignored now, i’m transported right back to when I was losing the plot. Is this a defect of character that I should ask God to remove? Probably… Im not losing the plot now but I still feel like it when someone ignores me and I don’t know if its my ego or if its just sheer fear of going back there.
I wrote a song the other day which I’ve sent to a few people and there’s a line in it that asks “How do you stop a broken heart from hurting anymore? How do you lift the shell of a broken man off the floor?” and if my experience and the man outside Costa who my dear mother bought a coffee for is anything to go by, the answer is probably - Acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is obviously the first of the 12 steps and I think is probably the most basic of human interactions you can have with another person. If you deny someone acknowledgement; If you deny your alcoholism acknowledgement, you’re essentially telling them “You are not real”. That’s my final thought of the day.
Take care of yourselves. And eachother.
Hugs not drugs.
Getting excited about Christmas. Concerts, traditions, cozy nights by the tree, yummy foods. I always have great memories of Christmas. Looking forward to being fully present throughout. Not needing some kind of jingle juice concoction Christmas Eve during Santa business. Not needing mimosas or Bailey’s Christmas morning. Not needing wine with dinner and well into the night. Not being concerned with running dry on a holiday. Just being fully present and taking it all in.
We usually host a larger Christmas gathering, which has historically had most adults partaking in drinking. Thankful we’re keeping it simple this year. Don’t even want it in the house, and pretty positive that will be the house rule for the foreseeable future.
It was a busy, cold day… but a good one. Wishing everyone a fantastic weekend. Not -too- good, if you’re a Raiders fan.
Quick check-in tonight. Really good day, so happy it’s Friday! Good workout this morning, work flew by, a friend came over for dinner, started a fire on the old fireplace (first one this winter), heading to bed, get to sleep in until 7am!
So I guess I’m sick. Strange bug. Yesterday my whole body was sore but it felt like normal post workout muscles. Today it was worse. My feet felt like I’d been walking for days. My skin hurt to the touch, everywhere. Headache. Stiff neck. Eye pain. Goosebumps and nightsweats. Stuffy/runny nose. It reminds me of opiate withdrawal. The chef at work said it sounded just like what he had last week. Not horrible, but odd. I made it thru work, the last hour barely.
I noticed around 8:30 I had missed calls and a text from my dad saying “Zoi’s still here” at 7:30. Weird since her dad always picks her up before dinner. His phone was off and I have the wrong number for his friend who drives them. Luckily I have the Niagara County Sheriff app which shows every current incarcerated individual. Sure enough, he’s been in jail since Tuesday. What for? I have no idea. He’s still on probation/drug court for a larceny charge so that’s what it says but it’s probably just some type of violation of that. I’m calling tomorrow to see if he has a release date bc he does own a kitten we’re worried about, as its already been 4 days. This was the last fucking thing I needed right now. Taking care of this assholes shit. But I have to bc there’s so much of my daughters things inside his apartment if he loses it all again. I’m not letting that happen to her a 2nd time.
It’s times like this where I’m grateful for everything I’ve been through in my life. After all the shitty shit, I’m always okay eventually. I’m grateful for my patience. I’ve always had an immeasurable amount (except the end of my last relationship, but it’s back now). Days go by faster now. I can wait for a better one
Saying goodbye to group therapy was a mixed bag of emotions. I was feeling guilty about leaving the other members. I felt uncertainty about the future, after stating in my goodbye words that I’m ready to tackle life now and want to practice in real life what I learned in a safe environment. An environment that didn’t feel that safe lately, because of changes in group members and schedules and therapists. It’s time to move on even though that feels scary and lonely. I felt relieve too, and joy, and feelings of freedom and achievement and progress.
I’ve been in group therapy for 3 years. Only after leaving it I can begin to see and feel what it offered. It’s been a big part of Recovery for me. Until now. So. On I go. On we go. We’re in this together. It’s cold outside and it’s weekend and I’ll check out how the world is today. I’m sober and clean and from that all the rest follows. Take care of yourselves and each other and have as good a day as you all can. Love.
Mixed feelings. My twins have a birthday today, 3rd. Sacha has his 5th bday in two weeks. We decided we gonna celebrate their bdays together, next weekend. To avoid extra costs (budget is tight) and to avoid drama (especially from Sacha, he is getting jealous if they get something and he’s not, I’m not talking only about gifts but attention in general). It’s better to celebrate it together then, do something special, balloons etc, invite some ppl. But I feel weird i don’t even have some mini gifts for them. Or cake. But they dont even like cakes xD
I think i would stick a candles in the muffins at least, buy some balloons… At least they had a nice celebrations yesterday at playgroup with their little friends
And also - 3 years already! Crazy.
I feel so weirdly sad today. I can’t even find motivation to make my morning gratitude.
Hi all, checking in on Day 79. My default is being cold now, and hungry. We are going to try and get out into nature and spend time as a family. I seem to spend my non working hours in bed at the moment trying to recover from my chronic fatigue crash, hoping today can see some improvement. I feel very disconnected from everything at the moment.
Last two nights have been a bit tricky. The jetlag made me feel like a drink at night just to fall asleep but I really didn’t fancy alcohol at all and instead I binged on ice cream and chocolate.
Still feeling jetlagged, tired and low and I have a chocolate hangover
But anyway… I’m determined to make today a nice day.
Sending love and strength to you all.
Slept ok in the early morning, had a “weird” vivid dream about kissing the owner of a hotel in Austria. I had some single parents holiday there with my son. That’s years ago, but I kind of always fancied her and felt connected spiritually . Oh well why do I even put that here .
Might miss something in my life right now.
I’m quite impatient about my progress nowadays. I feel better and more balanced than let’s say a month before, but it’s difficult to recognize. Sometimes it seems I will never get out of this mindset and every day feels like a defeat. So I decided not to fight it and just let myself have difficult emotions, sadness, anger and also overthink if I need to. I have to accept, that at this point I still need this, I cannot just step out into my future from one day to another not even looking back. And as I will be able to find more and more peace in my everyday life, I will gradually need this connection with my past less and less. I decided to have December indoors, both literally and figuratively (except for one trip at the very end of the month), and don’t set expectations of myself, just focus on my needs.
Also I’m more and more repulsed by the thought of having any kind of relationship with others. It seems so much responsibility, obligation and engagement, yet it feels so fragile. As if I would have to sign a contract vowing that I put work, loyalty, and care corresponding to the length and depth of the relationship into it, and the other person would just sign, that they try not to fuck it up but cannot promise anything. It’s just risky and hurtful. I know that’s not how it works and that it’s not a healthy approach to relationships, but that’s just how I feel deep inside, it’s a strong gut feeling of danger. I feel lonely to some extent, but thankfully it’s not so strong, that it would cause contradictory feelings, but sooner or later I will have to address that issue.
It’s 4 a.m. here. Can’t sleep. The wifey and I went to my company’s holiday party last night. We had a blast. I was surrounded by booze, but I survived. The wife had a few drinks; I stuck with water and Sierra Mist. It was cool seeing my co-workers again. We danced, had some laughs, and we won an iPad. Sweet!! Gonna give it to my eldest son for Xmas. He’s been asking for one. We stayed at a hotel to avoid driving late at night. The restaurant is a couple of hours from our spot. Well, I better try and catch some sleep.
Checking in on day 181 AF.
I’m feeling quite calm today. I plan to go for a decent walk this afternoon while my daughter is in her drama class. Then it’s pizza night here as usual.
Wishing everyone an addiction free day.
Early check in. I’m grateful to be waking up hangover free. I was so close to drinking last night. It was a serious battle for every minute. When I get depressed I stop caring about what’s good for me. Staying sober is just one more struggle and I’m tired of struggling. But I was able to recognize that drinking would end up making me feel worse (not just hangover, but shame and self-loathing) and that it really wasn’t going to make any of my other struggles any better. It might numb briefly, but it would all be there the next day. Today will probably be another battle but hopefully each day I get a little stronger. I know I made it over 100 days earlier this year, so it’s possible and does get a bit easier with time.
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