Maaaaan all my anxiety turned out to be nothing, like it always done. Tonight was great. I ate an amazing meal with a great honest and true friend. Then I sat in a dark theater with strangers and listened to some very moving Christmas choir music.
On the ride home I almost had my friend swing by to pick up a 4 pack of THC sodas but we talked it through. I’m at 46 days totally sober from THC. Alcohol was always my DOC and I have 600+ free from that. Things are good in my life and (mostly) in my mind. Why would I want to alter that. I’ll drink some iced tea before bed and have another great day tomorrow. I don’t need an escape from me. To all those struggling I send hugs. 🩶🩷
Struggling bad tonight. There’s a blackness in my head that I can’t escape. I feel like hurting myself really bad. This is an awful feeling. I feel like in the water and I’m trying to swim to shore but as much as I try I’m not really getting any closer to shore until eventually I got a point where a wave engulps me further back into the water. I’m drowning over and over again and I can’t figure out how to stop it. I need help and idk who to go to or what to do. My feelings are really awful and unsafe. I had a good day so I’m not sure what’s going on . I’m uncomfortable, angry, hurting and scared. I can see a device I want to use…I want to get up and get it but there’s this push and pull in my thinking. One sides pushing me towards self harming tonight while the other is pulling me away from it. Plz tell me what to do is who to go to! I need to hear it from u guys or else Ill probably just do what I wanna do. Ik what’s right from wrong and I choose wrong a lot but I’m trying to be different…
Felt a lot better this morning but still layed around until I had to get ready for work. Just getting ready tired me out but I made it through work. We got out right at 9! Nice to have a little extra night time.
It took all day to figure out my ex’s situation. I saw his picture yesterday on the jail app but when I looked today he wasn’t there. I called and they said he was there, with no bail, court on Tues, for outstanding arrest warrants from '21. I called his friend who didn’t know more than me and he said he’d check on the cat. Then, at work, I got a text from his coworker who was supposed to let me know earlier this week that he wouldn’t be getting his daughter this weekend, but forgot. He also has been taking care of the cat. And that it was a sanction for drugcourt and he only has a week. Still not sure why but whatever
Head is overfilled with hunting thoughts about weight loss and bad body image. It’s very strong. Think it is a coping mechanism “to control” something (like death, that is impossible).
Don’t know how to go on with this.
It sucks.
Hoping you’re OK Julia. Personally I never did SH directly but I engaged in dangerous and self harming behaviours for years. Getting dead drunk was one of 'm. Dangerous sexual activities another one.
After getting sober I started work on the causes for these behaviours. And after f.5 years of sobriety and 3 years of psychotherapy I can say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve learned to understand myself, to see what my self damaging tendencies stem from, how to deal with my past, how to understand my feelings. So much so that now most of the time I am able to stop this downward spiral of feeling these helpless feelings you describe and that I know so well from my past.
You’re here. You’re sober. We’re in this together Julia. Big hugs friend.
Very glad I could take a ride yesterday. It was cold but pretty and I just had my new winter gear delivered, as well as new tires fitted. Big plus in winter is that it’s so quiet on the road. The worst part is that my feet change into when it’s cold and they’re attached to pedals with cleats. Whatever I cover 'm with. Well. I’ll survive.
After that I shared dinner with some of my oldest friends who I both met smoking pot in a coffeeshop some 40 years ago. They still smoke. We talk about it every time we meet. Their lives could have been loads better without drugs. One of 'm tried to quit for years. The other one doesn’t care. They’re still my friends. They don’t smoke with me present.
For me it’s never again. The longer I’m sober and clean the stronger my conviction becomes. ODAAT and all that. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love.
Starting the day with an hour in the gym, then home to watch my team Celtic on the TV at 12pm. Lots of great sport on the TV today, don’t think I’ll move from the couch until it’s time to make dinner.
You wrote 6 hours ago. To me it sounds like you’re asking where you can go to get help.
In most countries you can go to an emergency room. It sounds like you were in a true mental health emergency even saying you didn’t like how you felt and you felt unsafe.
If you’re in the United States you can dial 911 or 988.
988 is a mental health line.
If you’re not in the USA, in many other countries there are similar mental health phone lines and also emergency rooms.
I don’t want you to hurt yourself.
I hate you feeling like you’re in that black hole and that you feel unsafe. I hope you are able to get some help where you don’t feel like that.
Talking to a doctor or a healthcare professional could be very helpful for you.
You are not going to get in trouble you will just get help.
Your thoughts and feelings are legitimate.
Please check in and say how you are doing.
Also, consider getting rid of what you were thinking about hurting yourself with.
If possible, go around, where you will not be alone and be around other people.
Checking in here is good there are people who care for you and want you to get the help that you need.
Big hugs.
Had a lovely day out yesterday but had to spend the afternoon and evening in bed to recover. Feeling like I have a little more energy today. I felt like I was missing a layer yesterday, just very sensitive and overwhelmed. I used to drink through that feeling but didn’t have cravings so my body seems to have worked out that wasn’t the solution.
I have a day of making Christmas cards with my daughter today. I felt terrible when I couldn’t get out of bed to do it yesterday. She kept saying it would relax me but I just couldn’t Luckily my husband was able to teach her a card game which made her happy.
Was thinking about the amount of 1:1 time my kids get vs what we had as children and it is huge. I just feel so much guilt if I am not the “perfect” Mum. Like today, I am preparing myself for giving my daughter extra attention as feel so bad about not making the cards. I still spent all morning and a lot of the afternoon with her. Where does the guilt come from? I used to drink through the exhaustion at the end of the day, but thought it was worth it for my children’s happiness. Crazy logic.
@Alisa thank you for awesome bday cakes! Yeah, my boys prefer cookies or doughnuts than classic cakes. For now at least
You gave me idea for Sacha’s bday cake
Yeah, we have a busy December’s @happyfeet How few things like balloons, confetti cannons, funny hats can change the game, right? I’m lucky they are still at that age when those things means more to them than a fancy gifts.
Day 1,269 clean and sober today. Multiple clients and staff are out with Covid at this time which is really pushing those of us who are working to the point of insanity lol. Thats a little dramatic but it’s freaking rough for us as we are normally understaffed as it is. I am so grateful to have my own apartment and have a place to decompress. It’s my sanctuary. I hope everyone has an amazing day and I am very proud of every single one of you, love you guys
Hey beautiful lady… happy 39th birthday
I do hope you take time to do something special for yourself today.
Hopefully gratitude and changing focus helped you get out of the funk last night.
Many blessings and love your way.
I have felt like that many many times Julia, you’re not alone in this. I’m glad you reached out here to let those feelings out, great job! I would suggest like others have said that you reach out to a mental health professional who could direct you in the best way to help you through this. Great job reaching out
ride yesterday. It was cold 
but pretty 
and I just had my new winter gear delivered, as well as new tires fitted. Big plus in winter is that it’s so quiet on the road. The worst part is that my feet change into 
Luckily my husband was able to teach her a card game which made her happy.
I’m lucky they are still at that age when those things means more to them than a fancy gifts.
