Theres a lot of love in those 3 smiling faces.
Not to make your share about me, but I am feeling so emptional about the men in my life right now (fathers in particular), family & cycles. This IS what its all about & what a gift when we see it - for ourselves & families, particularly the little ones who are forever changed by you/us being there. Damn Im emotional! Beautiful thing & Merry Xmas to you & yours, thank you so much for sharing this.
Maaaaan all my anxiety turned out to be nothing, like it always done. Tonight was great. I ate an amazing meal with a great honest and true friend. Then I sat in a dark theater with strangers and listened to some very moving Christmas choir music.
On the ride home I almost had my friend swing by to pick up a 4 pack of THC sodas but we talked it through. Iām at 46 days totally sober from THC. Alcohol was always my DOC and I have 600+ free from that. Things are good in my life and (mostly) in my mind. Why would I want to alter that. Iāll drink some iced tea before bed and have another great day tomorrow. I donāt need an escape from me. To all those struggling I send hugs. š©¶š©·
Struggling bad tonight. Thereās a blackness in my head that I canāt escape. I feel like hurting myself really bad. This is an awful feeling. I feel like in the water and Iām trying to swim to shore but as much as I try Iām not really getting any closer to shore until eventually I got a point where a wave engulps me further back into the water. Iām drowning over and over again and I canāt figure out how to stop it. I need help and idk who to go to or what to do. My feelings are really awful and unsafe. I had a good day so Iām not sure whatās going on . Iām uncomfortable, angry, hurting and scared. I can see a device I want to useā¦I want to get up and get it but thereās this push and pull in my thinking. One sides pushing me towards self harming tonight while the other is pulling me away from it. Plz tell me what to do is who to go to! I need to hear it from u guys or else Ill probably just do what I wanna do. Ik whatās right from wrong and I choose wrong a lot but Iām trying to be differentā¦
Hello all,
Checking in on Day 1,954 Sober.
Thanksā¦
290
Felt a lot better this morning but still layed around until I had to get ready for work. Just getting ready tired me out but I made it through work. We got out right at 9! Nice to have a little extra night time.
It took all day to figure out my exās situation. I saw his picture yesterday on the jail app but when I looked today he wasnāt there. I called and they said he was there, with no bail, court on Tues, for outstanding arrest warrants from '21. I called his friend who didnāt know more than me and he said heād check on the cat. Then, at work, I got a text from his coworker who was supposed to let me know earlier this week that he wouldnāt be getting his daughter this weekend, but forgot. He also has been taking care of the cat. And that it was a sanction for drugcourt and he only has a week. Still not sure why but whatever 
Work in the morning so bed real soon. I need it 
Day 7
Checking in.
Being free.
Head is overfilled with hunting thoughts about weight loss and bad body image. Itās very strong. Think it is a coping mechanism āto controlā something (like death, that is impossible).
Donāt know how to go on with this.
It sucks.
Hugs 
Hoping youāre OK Julia. Personally I never did SH directly but I engaged in dangerous and self harming behaviours for years. Getting dead drunk was one of 'm. Dangerous sexual activities another one.
After getting sober I started work on the causes for these behaviours. And after f.5 years of sobriety and 3 years of psychotherapy I can say thereās light at the end of the tunnel. Iāve learned to understand myself, to see what my self damaging tendencies stem from, how to deal with my past, how to understand my feelings. So much so that now most of the time I am able to stop this downward spiral of feeling these helpless feelings you describe and that I know so well from my past.
Youāre here. Youāre sober. Weāre in this together Julia. Big hugs friend. 
1639
ride yesterday. It was cold 
but pretty 
and I just had my new winter gear delivered, as well as new tires fitted. Big plus in winter is that itās so quiet on the road. The worst part is that my feet change into 
when itās cold and theyāre attached to pedals with cleats. Whatever I cover 'm with. Well. Iāll survive.
After that I shared dinner with some of my oldest friends who I both met smoking pot in a coffeeshop some 40 years ago. They still smoke. We talk about it every time we meet. Their lives could have been loads better without drugs. One of 'm tried to quit for years. The other one doesnāt care. Theyāre still my friends. They donāt smoke with me present.
For me itās never again. The longer Iām sober and clean the stronger my conviction becomes. ODAAT and all that. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love.
Checking in on day 399 AF.
Starting the day with an hour in the gym, then home to watch my team Celtic on the TV at 12pm. Lots of great sport on the TV today, donāt think Iāll move from the couch until itās time to make dinner.
Day 162. Out for lunch later. Will take it easy today. Thankful to be sober.
Day 28, got some work to do today, and im not too hungover to do it!
You wrote 6 hours ago. To me it sounds like youāre asking where you can go to get help.
In most countries you can go to an emergency room. It sounds like you were in a true mental health emergency even saying you didnāt like how you felt and you felt unsafe.
If youāre in the United States you can dial 911 or 988.
988 is a mental health line.
If youāre not in the USA, in many other countries there are similar mental health phone lines and also emergency rooms.
I donāt want you to hurt yourself.
I hate you feeling like youāre in that black hole and that you feel unsafe. I hope you are able to get some help where you donāt feel like that.
Talking to a doctor or a healthcare professional could be very helpful for you.
You are not going to get in trouble you will just get help.
Your thoughts and feelings are legitimate.
Please check in and say how you are doing.
Also, consider getting rid of what you were thinking about hurting yourself with.
If possible, go around, where you will not be alone and be around other people.
Checking in here is good there are people who care for you and want you to get the help that you need.
Big hugs.
Hi all, checking in on Day 80. Wow.
Had a lovely day out yesterday but had to spend the afternoon and evening in bed to recover. Feeling like I have a little more energy today. I felt like I was missing a layer yesterday, just very sensitive and overwhelmed. I used to drink through that feeling but didnāt have cravings so my body seems to have worked out that wasnāt the solution.
I have a day of making Christmas cards with my daughter today. I felt terrible when I couldnāt get out of bed to do it yesterday. She kept saying it would relax me but I just couldnāt 
Luckily my husband was able to teach her a card game which made her happy.
Was thinking about the amount of 1:1 time my kids get vs what we had as children and it is huge. I just feel so much guilt if I am not the āperfectā Mum. Like today, I am preparing myself for giving my daughter extra attention as feel so bad about not making the cards. I still spent all morning and a lot of the afternoon with her. Where does the guilt come from? I used to drink through the exhaustion at the end of the day, but thought it was worth it for my childrenās happiness. Crazy logic.
Sorry, didnāt know I needed to get that out.
Have a good day everyone
@Alisa thank you for awesome bday cakes! Yeah, my boys prefer cookies or doughnuts than classic cakes. For now at least 
You gave me idea for Sachaās bday cake 
Yeah, we have a busy Decemberās
@happyfeet How few things like balloons, confetti cannons, funny hats can change the game, right? 
Iām lucky they are still at that age when those things means more to them than a fancy gifts.
Beter late then never:
Happy birthday for your twins! 
Thank you! 
Day 1,269 clean and sober today. Multiple clients and staff are out with Covid at this time which is really pushing those of us who are working to the point of insanity lol. Thats a little dramatic but itās freaking rough for us as we are normally understaffed as it is. I am so grateful to have my own apartment and have a place to decompress. Itās my sanctuary. I hope everyone has an amazing day and I am very proud of every single one of you, love you guys 
Hey beautiful ladyā¦ happy 39th birthday 
I do hope you take time to do something special for yourself today.
Hopefully gratitude and changing focus helped you get out of the funk last night.
Many blessings and love your way.
I have felt like that many many times Julia, youāre not alone in this. Iām glad you reached out here to let those feelings out, great job! I would suggest like others have said that you reach out to a mental health professional who could direct you in the best way to help you through this. Great job reaching out
