Back in my local coffee spot today. Actually the reason I come in here is because one of my old drinking buddies is the manager - We go to AA together Itās directly opposite a pub I used to work and drink in and we both reflected on just how strange it is that not very long ago, we wouldāve been literally on the other side of the street throwing back pints and now weāre in a coffee shop sipping in Hazelnut lattes!
I had the worst fucking craving last night. It was like screaming going on in my head that I couldnāt stop - like someone was trying to kill me with inner noise. I spoke to my sponsor and he gave me some great simple advice.
I came to a serious epiphany really - I canāt stand loose ends, unfinished business and not having all the answers to everything all the time immediately. Fuck, who even does? Looking back, thereās a shit ton of scenarios I can think of where this happened and I turned to drinking. Especially after the last 2 years. Itās fucking impossible for me to box stuff off and shelve it without it being done and dusted.
This week, Iām going to try and write down all the shit I have that I considered unfinished and see if I can start to let it go.
Day 58
Iām certainly using cannabis as an alcohol replacement and am having difficulty cutting back. Sigh. Replacing one with anotherā¦my goal is to have a year of no alcohol then work on cannabis. Not asking for advice cause I know being so called California sober can be controversial in some forums.
Going to check out my first meeting with a supportive friend as we near the US Thanksgiving holiday.
Happy to be alcohol free!
T.
Celebrating my sons birthday with parents and brother and his partner went fine I geus. Some feelings, amongst them jealousy. My brother and his man wear new clothes regularly. Iām getting through my clothes at the moment, havenāt really shopped for two-three years now. Although I write it down here, I notice the self pity is not that big. As long if I keep putting my one foot before the other and take it ODAAT , things should be fine. Just had diner and played some monopoly before. Felt I needed to step aside a bit after diner and said I was going for a quick nap. So here Iām checking in. They will leave soon and Iāll be bringing my son back to his mother.
Glad to hear from you @anon84358113. Create a list of things you can do when you are tempted to relapse. Go thru all of them in those trying times and then ask yourself if you still want to relapse. The hardest part is getting thru those early cravings. They are strong and incessant. Build a plan for when those cravings test your will power because you and i know they will.
Checking in Day 637
Had a really awful sleep last night. Woke up numerous times for various reasons and just couldnt get a solid stretch of sleep in. Had to wake up early for work. Am here now and already more than half way thru my shift. Really wanting to go home right now tho. Im beat
Theres A LOT to do this coming week that Im trying to prepare for. My son has 3 medical appts (1 of them being an MRI where Im always anxious about the results) and then i have grocery shopping to do, cleaning out the storage closet, and then of course I want to take care of my health this week with exercise and eating properly. So i gotta stay focused. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
I have some tools in the toolbox but I could definitely do more and use more of the ones I have. Iāve gotten back into fitness and Iām into meditation. Iām always open to suggestions of course. Thanks for welcoming meš
Good idea in the list of things to do and yes itās so crazy how intense the craving is for something I clearly know makes me feel like shit mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially. Iām hoping getting more immersed in this community will be another thing to keep me on track. Thanks for the suggestion.
Checking in with 0 days today. I had a few drinks last night and Iām so disgusted with myself. Iāve been trying to get sober for the last ten years!!! Why even bother trying? Itās obvious Iām never going to stop drinking. I had just reached a 30 day milestone. And here I am back to day 1. SMH
Thatās a lot going on, not surprised you slept badly. I really hope the appointments and MRI goes well. Will your son need a general anaesthetic for it? Hope you find some time for yourself in amongst it all. Take care
I had some big fat cravings since lunch until late evening. Back home now without taking a break on a cold dark dirty gasstation to buy expensive bad wine.
Trigger was my sister in law just acting like a damn bitch. Even if someone died. But why should things change?
He does go under anesthetic for his MRIs as he would have too much trouble laying still for them. He used to get them every 3 months. And bcuz his brain tumor has remained stable for some time now, they have moved it to every 6 months. I always get a little anxious and nervous for the results. All i want to hear is that it is stable and not growing. I have these nightmares about having him go thru chemotherapy again but i am trying to stay present and in the moment. It really does no good for him or me to be upset and feeling down about his condition. I have to cherish him while hes here (which is hopefully for a very long time ) and enjoy the moments.
Im sorry to hear about ur relapse. I get thats it frustrating but dont lose hope. Uv reached 30 days and that proves to u that u can do it! What happened leading up to last night?? Can u figure out what went wrong that led u to drink? They say relapses happen before the actual act of drinking/using. If ur able to learn from what happened, then its not a complete waste i was a chronic relpaser for what felt like ages. And sometimes i felt like i lost hope in ever being able to beat this. But with every relapse, i learned what i could do differently next time to prevent it from happening again. You will get sober friend Just pick urself up and keep at it
I struggle on and off with sweet things, snacks, and anything naughty to fill the gap left by booze.
One of the key ways to challenge that for me is finding food that feels like a treat but is, in moderation, healthy.
So, I like a small handful of (unsalted) cashews or a kiwi fruit, or plums. I love sunflower seeds too. Or a small handful of dried dates. Mmmmm. Sweet n tasty.
Try freezing grapes (or strawberries or raspberries or blueberries!) putting a bit of natural yoghurt on them and stirring in freshly squeezed lemon juice too. That feels naughty but isnāt. Maybe add some seeds or other nuts for crunch.
Iām no angel like I say but creating some nice, healthy treats that kid your brain that youāre being bad really helps me!
Just remember to be portion aware with nuts,fruit, dried fruit and other stuff. I have scales and if Iām unsure how calorific my portion is I weigh it. Not always, but enough to be self aware and stay in control.
With nuts and seeds watch out for added salt and sugar and stick with natural.
Itās directly opposite a pub I used to work and drink in and we both reflected on just how strange it is that not very long ago, we wouldāve been literally on the other side of the street throwing back pints and now weāre in a coffee shop sipping in Hazelnut lattes!
back home chilling on the new cod looking forward to Xmas 
SMH
but i am trying to stay present and in the moment. It really does no good for him or me to be upset and feeling down about his condition. I have to cherish him while hes here (which is hopefully for a very long time 
) and enjoy the moments.