Aw Dana I am so sorry love. I do know how frustrating this all can be. Take a deep breath and remember your first days of sobriety. It did take a lot of work to get through the initial stages and set up a routine that worked (cause you are kicking ass at 639 days!).
Please list out all that you did to help you get sober… ie. for me a few things were
changed my routines so i would not shop or buy gas around liquor (went to coops or farmers markets for food and went to Sams club for gas)
kept myself busy so that i wouldn’t be tempted to think / act on my urges
had a non alcoholic drink in hand and gum to chew
Remind yourself of all the tools you needed to get you this far and see if any of these can be applied to your eating. Modify it and add to it as needed to help you get control now. Food is a hard one as we do need sustenance to keep going but then need to work on the fine line not to over do it or reach out just for comfort purposes.
I know morning workouts help you set the day in motion. Your book and its exercises were also helping you out.
Be gentle with yourself as life does happen and sometimes even our healthy routines get disrupted.
Sending you love and strength. Don’t ever apologize for letting out what you are feeling / going through. This is a safe space and hopefully writing it out helps release some of the crappy ill feelings you are holding on to.
I’m tired! I have been sleeping a little better, but adjusting to getting up at 4:30 has been hard. Made it to my second day at the gym and my whole body is sore, but I like it, I need it. I’ve been eating better as well, one of the perks of when I’m working out is I hate junk food, don’t want to instantly eat what I worked so hard to get rid of.
I’m so looking forward to the Thanksgiving break. Work has just been insanely busy, I can handle the work day itself, it’s just the incessant phone calls and texts that go on until 8:00 at night that overwhelm me.
Besides the gym and work not much else going on today. I’m already in bed and looking forward to another sober day tomorrow.
It did definitly help to get that out in writing. I was just feeling soo defeated. And I SOOOO appreciate ur advice. Since this is I guess considered another addiction, i could try to use some similar tools and strategies that i used to battle my drug addiction. If i didnt have to eat, i probably wouldnt, as it causes sooo much distress. But since we do need it to survive, i have to find balance and see what works for me. I did have a nice hot shower, midnfully brushed my hair, brushed n flossed my teeth, put on my skin and facial creams. It felt nice to do some self care. I do feel a bit better thank u Jasmine for ALWAYS being sooo supportive. I hope ur doing well tonight
Hey Dana.
Been awhile hey?
Congrats on that 639.
I hear ya. Not sure what to say. Whenever I have some issues I search on Insight Timer. Then I thought of plugging your issue in to Insight Timer. Hope you don’t mind.
Thought I’d post it here. You or someone else might be interested. I’m glad you shared. You’re going to get where you want to be. I just know you are. Walking. Power walking has always been my go to to weight maintenance. And I lean towards binging sometimes. It’s hard.
Love you girl.
Glad you’re still with us.
So my ex just text me and said out daughter has lice. I picked her up Sunday and she’s been here since so I asked why didn’t you tell me then and he goes ‘bc I just found out I have lice and she wore my hat’. Well she had just showered so I dried her hair and thoroughly checked and didn’t find any evidence of them. I know exactly what to look for bc she had it a year ago and I did maybe 5/6 treatments between the two of us til they were gone. I never found any on myself but did it just to be safe. And bc I was phantom itching at the thought of it, just like I am now I’m just worried he’s not going to treat it right, bc it was expensive for me to completely eradicate them, and she’s going to end up with them anyways. I always thought he was the reason she got them in the first place bc it was right after he’d been living in a rehab, halfway house, and independent living, and his hair is like 2 feet long. Ugh, anyways, great story huh?
The rest of the day was fine. Usual schedule of events. Nose still a bit stuffy with an itchy throat so idk what’s going on there but I’m alive and sober so fine by me.
Congrats to everyone who’s hit all those milestones! And to everyone else for just being here Hope you all have a great sober night
I am sorry, I am hugely behind and haven’t been able to read properly. I am feeling completely overwhelmed with life atm but no danger of drinking. One of the reasons is my possible new job. Well the good news is I will know soon as my interview is this morning. Whatever happens, at least I will know. I am completely rubbish at being out of control but at least I am not trying to manage that with drinking.
Saturday was a lazy day. Didn’t do much. Just chilled at home and watched movies with the fam. We went to the in-laws on Sunday, watched football, and made burgers. I did laundry yesterday. Nothing new today. Staying busy with work and the kiddos. I gained 3 pounds, I’m back to the 120s. Crazy what a couple of burgers and cans of soda will do to ya. I was eating healthy for 5 months straight due to my flare-ups, kinda got tired of it to be honest. Bland foods daily and ish. Anyways, 3 more days until my holiday vacay. I’m taking a week off from work. Can’t wait.
I don’t know everything about you, but I do know that you are strong. In and out. I read that you do workouts and actively run around getting your son and family sorted. You are probably more fit and healthier than you think… In fact I would bet my life you are.
Weight is relative, if you feel uncomfortable at your weight then that’s you, same as a very slim person or a very over weight person might feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at their weight. BUT, I just wanted to point out that you can be fit at any weight. You can, it’s true. So please focus on keeping your body strong and walking and doing any exercise you enjoy. I see you working it!
As for the food, I do believe that maybe it might help to explore deeper reasons to why using any substance or action exists. Is any of that a tool to help little Dana, the young Dana? Before the age the using began? Did you use food as a child as control? Often ED can stem from something else. I only know this by proxy of a partner having an ED and so I WENT TO THERAPY instead of them because they wouldn’t go… To learn. Often food is a fundamental thing a child can play around with to punish self or guardian.
Just a thought. Dig deep, but with softness and kindness Dana as you ARE SMASHING IT. AND YOU ARE ALREADY STRONG AND FIT. be easy on yourself, a few lbs is changeable, even if it feels horrendous. Rooting for ya.
I felt HALT full force after work last night on my commute home. Just made me feel like total sh*t. It didn’t make me crave though, I think a good talk with ‘my’ group of patients earlier took care of that, talking about our rock bottoms.
After coming home through another torrential downpour I managed to snap out of it, to stop this feeling spiralling downward through my body and sinking ever deeper into misery and depression. Some soup and talks with friends (albeit on whatsapp) helped. But the main thing is I was able to recognise my own feelings and emotions, and after that I could shape them into something less negative and self destructive.
I truly believe that the work I’m doing on myself has made it possible to do this, and that a couple of years ago I would never have been able to. Massive gain. Sobriety and therapy and self-work has given me so much more direction, so much more self knowledge. And thus so much more knowledge of the world around me and my role in it.
I’m bloody grateful. To you all not in the last place. We’re in this together. We’re not alone. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love.
Day 144. Working from home this morning then out for a meeting this pm (3 hour round drive!) but all good. Feel tired. Got my dad an electric blanket /throw for when he is watching TV so he doesn’t get cold
I’m treating my daughter for head lice at the moment. There’s been a major outbreak in the schools here and it just seems as if she has them constantly.
thank u Jasmine for ALWAYS being sooo supportive. I hope ur doing well tonight 
I’m just worried he’s not going to treat it right, bc it was expensive for me to completely eradicate them, and she’s going to end up with them anyways. I always thought he was the reason she got them in the first place bc it was right after he’d been living in a rehab, halfway house, and independent living, and his hair is like 2 feet long. Ugh, anyways, great story huh? 
Hope you all have a great sober night 
