Nighttime check in. I’m coming down with something so I left work a little early. I’ll take a Covid test tomorrow on my day off.
Kind of down and sad in general, I think its the holidays coming up. I said I would be at Thanksgiving and that stresses me a bit, I’d rather skip. On my ride home tonight I spied my sister sitting at her neighborhood bar. I feel very far from her since I quit drinking. I know that is probably best, the last time we talked on the phone she drunkenly hung up on me, but we used to be close. We aren’t now.
Maybe if my Covid test is positive I can bow out of the holiday. I can’t hide from family forever though. I haven’t spoken to my mother since March.
Today I’m 641 days sober from alcohol. My mother and I have never talked about my sobriety. We really don’t talk about anything though. Sadly, my family doesn’t know me. I used to pretend to be normal, happy and good around them and now that I’m recovering faking seems impossible. Maybe I stay in hiding for the holidays. Tomorrow will be brighter, or I’ll have Covid and my decisions will be made for me.
Mixed day today of emotions, I try to act like I don’t know why, but deep down I do. Have some tuff decisions to make, but drinking has not crossed my mind.
My kids were here for breakfast this morning, always great being with them. Got a little work out in and then had dinner at my friends.
Going to bed a little conflicted, but looking forward to a new sober day tomorrow.
Had 2 sips of wine and so I restarted my timer after 77 days. It was all shit. Taste, feeling, feelings afterwards… Only 100 ml and depression and anxiety came up. It was only a minimal relaps but I want to be honest and aware.
Day 169 AF.
I’m not feeling very well today. I have gut pain and my mood is not great. I’m worried about some paperwork I need to be getting on with but that is in the hands of someone else at the moment and they are dragging their feet. I don’t feel up to yoga today, but I do have a meeting with my support worker this afternoon. My daughter makes the dinner on Monday nights now so I need to have the right ingredients in for that.
Wishing everyone an addiction free day.
Sadly I cracked at my father in Law’s wake all the emotions of the day and the build-up over the week and a half after he passed I kept telling myself not to but in the end it got to me and sadly I binge drank when I got home from the wake on Thursday night so when I woke on Friday the usual happened and I felt as though my body was dying couldn’t eat all day until the evening my body was running hot I was dry heaving I don’t need to explain you all know it and since then I felt very very down and I know proud of that will be the alcohol and also I’m very disappointed with myself cuz I knew it was coming and that’s the sad thing and I’m going to have to find something or someone different when it comes to it that will help me get past that I am currently 4 days over now
Heading into day 9 this morning and I’m feeling so good, but it’s there and it’s really loud today and even though I’m doing all the things it’s still there!!! I’m of course referring to the little addict that lives in my brain space. It doesn’t take up my whole brain, but that bitch is so loud she can drown out everything else. I’m going to finish this check in and then stay away from my phone for the morning. I’m putting her in time out!!! I’m not sure if I’ll be sober tomorrow or the next day or the day after that but for today I will be. I’m about 12 hours away from 9 days, why would I mess it up now? Right? For real though just for today. I got this. We all got this. Especially together. I’m grateful for everyone here and how open people are, getting it out is what heals us. I just want to heal and recover. Sobriety is no longer my only goal, that’s just a very important ingredient. Sending good vibes to you all. Have a marvelous Monday everyone!!!
Today I want to send a big hug to all those who are struggling.
I was struggling to strip a few days alcohol free together and hardly made it more than 4 or 5 days before slipping back to old habits.
It’s 114 days AF for me today which is massive and I can say that a hardly feel any kind of urges or cravings. I’m just so happy I left my drinking days behind me, for good. That’s how it feels.
The thing is that my wellbeing and my mental state doesn’t seem to fit into that happiness of being sober. If that makes sense.
I’m on a holiday right now and I was really looking forward to this vacation but now that I’m here I just don’t enjoy it the way I wished I was.
I am here with a friend Ive known for 12 years, it’s always been kind of a difficult relationship really but now that I’m sober it just feels wrong being here.
I don’t know. It’s just sad.
Sorry for the long rant. I just needed that to get off my chest.
Have a great start to a new sober week everyone.
And to those who are struggling: don’t blame yourself for anything! Take extra care of yourself, be kind to yourself and never give up the good fight!!!
Thank you for the encouragement. Yes the why is so important and this time around I’m noticing everything and dealing with it. Instead of just yelling at the little voice to shut up, I am also working on the why it’s chiming in to begin with. Boredom is my number one trigger, so I will stay busy with laundry, Hallmark movies and caring for my daughter. Snuggling with her is a sure way to shut the cravings up.
Checking in day 442! Had a really good weekend, and took time to spend with friends and time for myself. Two 3 day work weeks ahead- this week for thanksgiving, next week for a short trip. Shouldn’t be a super busy day today, so I get to ease into the work week, and I have my pickleball league tonight.
I’m of course referring to the little addict that lives in my brain space. It doesn’t take up my whole brain, but that bitch is so loud she can drown out everything else. I’m going to finish this check in and then stay away from my phone for the morning. I’m putting her in time out!!! I’m not sure if I’ll be sober tomorrow or the next day or the day after that but for today I will be. I’m about 12 hours away from 9 days, why would I mess it up now? Right? 
For real though just for today. I got this. We all got this. Especially together. I’m grateful for everyone here and how open people are, getting it out is what heals us. I just want to heal and recover. Sobriety is no longer my only goal, that’s just a very important ingredient. Sending good vibes to you all. Have a marvelous Monday everyone!!!
