55
Doors chapter is finally over. No more doors from zzz 
ā¦ Or is it? 
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Today threw some tests at me and I passed. I was contacted by 2 of my āplugsā, I blocked the one in text but I guess not calls. The other is actually a āfriendā and sheās over there trying to tempt me, Iām obviously going to have to seriously reevaluate that relationship. Also many others. I understand what youāre saying about healthier in some ways but sick with your addiction. But technically if we are sick with our addiction nothing will be healthy. I think 
ā¦thanks for always giving me motivation and acknowledging my posts, it helps me feel welcomed as a new ish comer to the forum. Hope you had a lovely day.
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- Happy Monday all. Short week at work only Monday - Wednesday because of the holiday. Maybe if I start planning productive things to do this weekend I may not be bored.
Have an awesome sober day peeps!
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Checking In
Day 645
Day has definitly improved but im still feeling pretty bad about being rude to my Drs secretary this morning. I should probably make an amends but I hsve no idea who i was speaking to.
Thankfully i was able to get some help from the pharmacist. She was able to renew my prescriptions and also do an increase on one of them. I have been having A LOT of trouble sleeping. Almost to the point that i hate going to bed bcuz i know ill be awake for 2 hours trying to fall asleep. My mind just goes n goes n goes and i toss n turn and struggle with falling asleep. But she believes my anxiety meds are not where they need to be to help with the anxious thoughts at night. So i will try that out for a few days and see if that helps.
I also managed a workout and got some cleaning done. Just waiting for my son now to come home and we will finish decorating the Christmas tree. Feeling tired right now but cant nap lol Hope everyones day is going well 
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Iāve been having periods of time when I have no or just very little work and way too much time to be in my head, trying to solve my problems without taking actual steps in practice. I know I have to work to regain my mental health somehow, but am incapable to make any moves at the same time, as I slip deeper and deeper in this paralizing mindset, itās catch 22. What helped me was to work voluntarily. I postponed that option for long, saying I wanna focus on getting a full-time job, but that was just an excuse really. Itās easier to find a voluntary job/task and it still lets you looking for jobs in your remaining time, but even if itās just a few hours or a day per week, it kicks you out of your everday life, itās a place to go to, a task to accomplish. I found it even better when it was some physical work. And you can quit anytime if you find a full-time one. Just a thought.
Hang in there!
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Day 415 af
Day 36 social media detox
Hey guys 
Iām still here, just a little more in the background.
At the moment Iām at home, sick leave. The stress at work made something worse I deal with, my anxiety. I get panic attacks in every possible situation now, may it be in an almost empty train, at work, the hairdresser or wherever. Pretty exhausting.
I have this problem since years but it got slowly worse. Now Iām avoiding so much in my life that, at this point, itās impossible to have a good life.
The last time I saw my Dr I didnāt tell him. Not because of anxiety, I forgot it. Completely. It became so normal to me that I donāt even think about to tell my Dr.
This thursday Iāll see him again and then Iāll tell him.
Heās an internist who hopefully can prescribe me something that helps to calm my hyperactive mind down. Meditation and working out is good but it doesnāt help.
Last week I felt like, donāt know, like half of my mind was missing. I wasnāt really there. This week itās a little bit better.
Still no cravings for anything what is awesome. I know it wonāt help.
I miss being with others, I miss being on marriages, parties, on huge markets, I miss travellingā¦I want this back 
Iām really in the need of some hugs today.
And thanks to pms everything feels way worse.
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@butterflymoonwoman how are you doing Dana? You are such a sweet person that is why you are feeling so shitty about being rude on the phone. IMO the office is being rude ā by cancelling 5 times and on the morning of the appointment. No respect for others lives and schedules. Much love to you my friend. 
So grateful for the pharmacist. I do hope the new dosage helps and you are able to get some sleep. Running on constant sleepless nights can run havoc on your emotions and overall health.
@selflove_42 I am so sorry that you are having a frustrating start to your week. I can understand how it sucks looking forward to a get away or whatever and having to keep postponing it. Life does happen friend. We really donāt know what life holds for us and we can not predict the future. Right now your wife needs you. She needs your love and support (I know you care for her and her well being) ā you canāt offer this until you find peace within. I do hope you are able to journal or talk on TS and use your tools to help center you. Sending you peace and comfort E.
@sobermama39 you are most welcome friend ā we are all here fighting for the same demons so it is good to be around others that understand the struggle. UGH ā sorry you were tested multiple times today. Way to go on not letting those people in. I know it sucks having to reevaluate your friendships and old ways. Yes, totally what I think I was trying to say about not being healthy when we are sick with our addictions or with our addictive behaviors / surroundings. Almost like we are reinventing ourselves and getting a fresh start. You should be proud of yourself for today! Keep kicking ass ā you have made it to day 9!!
@Sabrina80 So lovely to see you pop up - really missed you. I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much right now. I do hope you are able to discuss this on Thursday with your doctor and get some relief for your symptoms. You are amazing Sabrina - much love to you and giving you a virtual hug
Checking in Monday night
334 days free of alcohol and weed
749 days free of cigarettes
WOW - had my eyes examined today. A very thorough check - they did not tell me that i would be getting my eyes dilated today - that was a lovely surprise - grateful to be able to see again. My lesion on one eye is apparently not abnormal and doesnāt look like it has grown in 4 years. Why couldnāt the doctor that examined me 4 years ago say this is normal and not to worry - why did she say she was going to take measurements so that we could monitor its growth but then never documented her findings? Sorry - just very frustrated with the medical profession. Grateful that my eyes are now 20/20 - they have gotten better in the past 4 years. The eye exercises and the Triphala eye wash really has helped 
Well - not sure what i want to do tonight as my eyes still feel weird and the tests have prompted a headache. Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day / evening - sending you all so much love
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Hey Jasmine,
So happy to hear your eye sight is good and all the tests showed normal results. What a blessing!
Your numbers are inspiring and always your loving and supportive nature 
Have a great evening my friend
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Thanks friend ā appreciate you! Hope you are enjoying your evening as well
We can keep doing this friend - just one day at a time!
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I experience the same at the moment. Itās so bad that, today, I slept til 1pm because I was awake til 5am last night. Iām on sick leave so itās not that bad, but itās not possible to calm down this way. I thought about staying awake one night but I get tired at some point. Then I go to bed and boom: wide awake again.
I hate it!!!
Sending hugs your way
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Day 69.
Trusting the process at all times is not always easy. Yet necessary! Difficult nightā¦had urge to drink this morning. Called a friend, prayed and went to a meeting this morning. Were I read the yesterday, today and tomorrow poem.
Had some talks with others in the rooms with a lot of recovery. Really helped put things in perspective and keep focused on today as this is the only day I have. Also heard a good analogy about earlier recovery and the unmanageablity that we can sometimes feel ā¦itās like youāre on a train and when the train stops the first car stops but all the other cars scretch and start slamming everywhere and everything that that happened prior to recovery is just coming at you and it seems very overwhelming. But it will all eventually slow down. That visual really helped me. I surrendered so much this afternoon. Spoke to others in recovery about specific shared life experiences which helped. I can only go up! Wanting to live and enjoy my life!
Strong 24 allā:pray:t5:
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Yes we can beautiful You always have me over hear smiling Jazzyā:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
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Awe im so sorry ur going thru this also. Its sooo hard to function on little sleep 
Is there anything that has helped u at times? Melatonin? Sleepy tea? A relaxing bedtime routine? Im trying different things to see if they help. But no such luck yet. Hopefully this increase in my anti-anxiety med helps. Will probably know in a few days. Hoping ur able to get a good rest tonight
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Wow, that sounds extremely frustrating. Im grateful tho that ur eyes are okay 
thank god for that! Hope ur headache goes away and u have a relaxing night friend
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194 no alcohol
12 no Marijuana
125 no vapes or ciggs
Work kicked my as today. I also didnt work as hard as i could have. First i got tied then lazy then i used it as an excuse to take a extra 30min break. Im not happy i did that. All in all i feel like i let myself and others down.
I actually came accross irony
I didnt want to work but working is the only thing i could have done to have a good day.
Anyway its about 8:30 at night and im going to sleep
Im just happy i have another day tomorrow
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Made it to day 892. Psych appointment today. Trying different meds. Keeping sober.
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If they tell ya donāt worry youāll be fine, youāll never go back, and theyāll lose a customer. I call us customers not patients $$$ 
Glad itās okay though.
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Monday night check in, all good, decent day, now just hanging out watching Monday night football. Gonna knock out soon, alarm goes off early. Have a great sober night or day people
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Hi sober fam,
I have around 4 hours time before work starts. Today I still want to get three things done: 1) organise some important uni things, 2) organise and send off house inspection enquiries, and 3) organise joining kickboxing. Letās see how much I can manageā¦ 
Feeling relatively good. Not necessarily on ācloud nineā but mindful. I know how fragile mindfulness can be in times of stress, and need to stay super cautious of triggersā¦ I wish you a wonderful &/or productive day whoever and wherever you are in the world right now friend
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Nighttime check in. Still sick. I slept until 5 today and then ate something. Now Iām drinking tea and watching mindless TV while dishes and laundry gets done.
Iām negative for Covid but I think I need to remember that I can call in sick to work for other reasons if necessary. Iāll play tomorrow by ear but there is always some guilt calling into work, more so because I work at a hospital and its respiratory season. Iām trying to teach myself the concept of āwhy not meā. When I say no because I donāt think I deserve it or if I need a sick day, āwhy not meā. Others probably donāt question this.
No decision on Thanksgiving yet. Thursday is my day off. There is no big meal that day, they are doing that Friday, so there is no pressure to bring anything, except myself.
I think holidays have always made me this anxious. I missed a lot of things due to hangovers in the past, so maybe this is the first time Iām really feeling my family anxiety. There are lots of āI donāt deserve themā āthey arenāt that badā and āwhy canāt you just be normalā thoughts swirling. Ugh. One thing I am very sure of, stepping back into the life of a drunk would make everything 10,000 times worse.
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