I have to watch my stress levels and make sure I don’t have a nervous breakdown… Just been feeling under pressure lately to continue my sobriety and stay ontop of my life. Pressure mainly to live up to other’s expectations socially when I feel like some time out 
My cousine who I’ve just met for the first time is visiting atm; a good friend of mine hosted an eat out somewhere to farewell his visiting parents tonight and they’re all foreign but me (language barrier); a girl I like didn’t reciprocate interest but we still encounter each other; a different girl who’s endured trauma but doesn’t want to see a psychologist needs help and I’m one of the few in her life; increased stress is resulting in a lack of appetite which is bringing back bad memories/feelings of an eating disorder I used to have in my childhood due to stress; I’m still unsure what to do with my life in general… I just want some time out or therapy or something instead of being pushed into all of this responsibility outside of my control, which at the beginning of my sobriety was fine, but now with the initial sobriety confidence boost receding, keeping up that energy can be draining…
Perhapse that’s one of the reasons intimacy isn’t easy for me, as I’m afraid of responsibility and letting others down? I feel inadequate? And yet others don’t view me that way… But only because they don’t know when I’m in a good mood and when I’m going through something and need more space… It’s not necessarily their fault. People can sense unease if it gets noticeable enough though and that’s a turn-off.
Is this a case of learning to say no? Embracing discomfort? Time? Exposure? Just figuring it out?
The ironic thing is, I know that just retiring to my room and browsing aimlessly on my phone, feeling down, likely eventually relapsing or whatever I may do won’t make me feel any better. Worse if anything.
So what’s at the root of my feelings? Anxiety? And what do I need to do? Therapy is not an option right now as I’m no longer registered, and over 25, so not only would it take many months before that ball could get rolling, but it’s kinda out of my budget as a student without the under 25 healthcare subsidy.
I let my last uni term go this year, paid but didn’t even touch it as I wasn’t in the psychological space to do so whilst figuring myself out… And that despite the topic ironically being highly fascinating and relevant: learned helplessness…
I’ve always been alone up until now due to my childhood trauma and persisting addictions, and wonder if I’ll ever find a partner now even if these are improving? I may not be awkward, but am not your confident flirter either.
I’m growing so much but still not ‘free’ if there is such a thing. And I’m afraid of failure.
But I want to push through so much! I know I can handle this and it’ll pass if I give it time spent wisely… Maybe just start meditating and practicing mindfulness again for more clarity when my mind is cluttered…
Much love sober legends 
) but I strongly recommend. I am a bit young so I was not privvy to Beckham during his prime, but even as a young person I heard the vile chatter about him as a baby, etc. I appreciated this perspective that wasnt at all entirely flattering, but what he went through was not dissimilar to the National hatred Stevie Gerrard faced…and I cannot imagine the toll and trauma these young men went through. Both were stellar to watch, but I have always adored Gerrard and this gave me a different view of Beckham and I had no idea he went through all of that. From a mental health perspective; Id recommend as well even if you arent in to footie! Xo.
It’s not easy thing
Grateful that you two had a wonderful time together and talked it out. 