Awww that looks like such a good/comfy vibe, chilling and watching tv together 
it seems like you have an awesome bond with her and that makes me so happy 
sheāll still be with you even if shes farther away 
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Iām so sorry for your loss Billy. She sounds like a wonderful lady.
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Day 5 update:
Day got better, thank you to all who listened to my rant earlier
Gonna get more sleep tonight which im grateful for. I also got some time to myself to chill which was much needed. My mom went on a rampage towards me and my dad which was stressful to be around, but i git through it, and im grateful i have my own room/space to get away from her during those times. I still managed to keep myself in a good mood and just ignore it and focus on myself and do things i enjoy. Watched some tv, listened to music, and made sure to eat healthy today which im super proud of.
I also went for a run, and ive hit a new record in terms of endurance. Ran for 40 mins nonstop, the longest ive ran to date without stopping super proud of myself and im looking forward to continue improving.
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1686
Out of bed early, a combination of Luna wanting food (which is good!) and me having been in bed long enough I guess. Had great visits to Rijksmuseum (the one with the Rembrandts) and Stedelijk Museum (for contemporary art) yesterday.
This morning itās therapy. Might meet my former bestie later for coffee. Through therapy Iām learning ever better why and how it all went wrong with her. Weāre still friends but with a lot more distance which really is for the better Iām afraid.
I still can do with some new contacts here in town. Might be the biggest task ahead of me. I know of enough ways to make it happen, thereās just some internal blockade still keeping me from it. I know I can. Now I need to learn to feel it too. One day at a time. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love. Pic is the library in Rijksmuseum
@CATMANCAM I hope itāll be a nice experience meeting your niece friend. Hugs.
@Cpwalsh94 I commend you for the journal work you do friend. The method looks promising. Personally, I had to be sober and clean for a considerable while to be able to work on myself and my childhood traumas. Marijuana was my DOC too and while I was under the influence I could not make any progress whatsoever, whatever method I tried. Wishing you all success Connor.
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Beautiful words of love and tribute to your cousin, @Soberbilly ā¦ much for you to share with us and with others in her family. Iām glad you had her, and she, you. Iām sorry sheās no longer a part of this earth even though she will always be a part of you and the others who knew and loved her. Heartfelt thoughts for you.
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337
Slow, boring, inside kind of day. We did go out on the porch for 5 minutes to see if we could get a bubble to freeze. Nope. Just checkin in before bed 
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Checking in day 17. Had a good day. Made a new friend. We started chatting and have a lot in common. It was nice to have someone to talk to since I am traveling solo.
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58 no binge, no sugar
14 UPFs
14 dairy
The longer I stay away from this stuff, the less of a hold cravings have on me. I obviously still get them, but the space between experiencing them and having to act on them gets wider. Recovery is spaciousness, is peace of mind, is a change to choose my path 
Today I want to dive into collision detection in my code. I have some tasty salmon waiting for lunch. And Iāll have to get the groceries in this weather home. Itās going to be my walk for today. Yoga and relaxation for the evening. I previously wanted to go clubbing today, but my head ache suggests otherwise.
A peaceful Friday to all of you
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Day 6500 - Opiates
Day 22 - Alcohol
I never look at the opiate days but got a nice surprise today when I did. It reminds me I can do hard things. I am hopefully going to collect my new-to-me car today. The seller it getting it MOTād today and will call me when its done. Fingers crossed it has no defects or advisories and I can go and collect it. If I do, it is going straight to a car cleaning place in the morning as he used to let his cat sleep/ live in it and as much as I like them, I do not like them smelling up a car. it does have some minor scratches in the paintwork which I think will buff out with some scratch remover stuff.
My husband keeps laughing at me because I am knitting a sweater to match my new car. And that, people, is how I roll!
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Iām sorry for your loss Billy, itās sad. But I really like the way you described your belief in Karma and the way we take it with us to a next life.
But no matter what we do ore do not believe, sheās always in your heart 
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Do show off the sweater, please!
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*Day 1949 
Had a long walk with lunch with a friend yesterday. We where lucky to walk in the sun and blue sky. Just when we entered the restaurant the sky turned black and the snow began.
Sheās addicted to sigarettes. Tried to stop multiple times. But she still sees me as a rare creature according my addiction to alcohol.
Asking me questions about it while me thinking itās the same as you craving your sigarettes!
I think it irritates me a bit while I think she just tries to be interested in me?
Today: groceries, housechores, do some work on my pendant and tonight going to my goldsmith class.
Have a good day all!
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Day 370.
I had a shrink appointment a couple of days ago and she upped my ADHD meds but also wants to put me on this new mood stabilizer and I dunno. Likeā¦ wellā¦ yeah, Iāve been pretty depressed and feeling down these past few weeks but Iām also hesitant about adding a new drug into the mix. Iāve also been thinking about challenging my diagnosis as Iām not 100% comfortable with BPD anymore. Not that having BPD was ever a comforting thought lol butā¦ I donāt really meet the criteria these days and, more importantly, cPTSD symptoms are basically the same as BPD but it comes without the whole cluster B thereās something seriously wrong with your personality thing.
Iām not sure thereās any point to that thought process but itās there. I also wanna find a new therapist, mine hasnāt really been helping or listening to me or my concerns. She keeps telling me how well Iām doing compared to where I was. That may be true, but I also have today issues I wanna work on that donāt involve tapping myself on the back every 5 minutes for brushing my fucking teeth, ya know? And my therapist just makes me feel like whatever Iām struggling with now is nothing compared to the mess I used to be and thatās just a little bit invalidating. I want to evolve in life, not stay stagnant in a āyay me! Iām sober and I brush my teeth twice a day!ā state indefinitely.
Soā¦ yeahā¦ sorry, thatās a bit of a ramble, but had to let it out.
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48 days in the bank.
Good day. Gym after nightshift. Then just hanging with the kids.
At work for last nightshift before days off. Its hot and muggy and Iām sweating up a storm everytime weāre working.
Friday night is very unlikely to be a quiet night, but Iām looking foward to it. I realise now that previously I would have been operating with some form of withdrawl going on, just functioning.
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Checking in with 13 days. Staying with my partner this weekend so Iām looking forward to that. Weāre off to a hotel tomorrow evening/night just to get away the two of us so thatāll be fun! Have a good day everyone x
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Day 209.not been a bad week considering I felt a bit flat or dull earlier this week.
Work is good. Home is good. Getting into a rhythm at the moment. Trying to eat less as I am so sedantaryā¦
Will take it easy this weekend as my dog has a bad cough
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I am so sorry for your loss my friend. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Day 1126,
Just checking in. Needing a incredible amount of dopamine hits past weeks. Trying to limit things, but did let go on some things. But thatās fine. It is what it is.
Wish you a sober blessed day!
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No need to say sorry. Sharing is caring. I get a lot out of it, I can relate to a lot. Iām on adhd meds and still chasing dopamine. Walk past every chore. Add trauma to the mix and I start to doubt all of it again.
Take care 
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Well done handling that craving. That fits the āplaying the tape forwardā model we talk about a lot around here, or anticipating what that first drink will inevitably lead to based on our past experiences. Nicely handled!
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