Good morning everyone! Checking in day 49. Looking forward to the weekend and family time. Have an amazing day! 
and 
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This really is a great achievement!
I don’t remember how many times my cravings would knock at my door and I would be: Yeah, let’s party! Being 100% convinced using would be this great experience, and completely blending out how much misery it would actually bring to me.
You really should feel proud of yourself!!!
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Day 47, time flies when you’re having fun!
Having a cold. Almost everybody got sick, so I guess it’s my turn now. Think it has also something to do with going to bed too late this week.
Luckily no big plans this weekend, so it will be just chilling under my heated blanket. Hope everybody’s doing well 
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Day 66. Yo, listen up, here’s the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue. Lol no not really, but I remember are counselors asking us this every group about how we’re feeling and I remember half the time just never knowing how I actually felt. They never liked the answer good, but most days idk how I truly felt and still most days I don’t. Last night when I was laying down I laid there and just think to myself and I’ll like think about what I’m gonna write about on here and I do that a lot actually lol but then when I wake up I don’t even remember what I was gonna write. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even write anything bc I feel annoying and some of y’all are probably like oh jees shut up already 
I mean I even say that about my self. But yesterday evening was good I got home and idk I was going to go to Walmart but it’s so hard to get meals bc I don’t have a stove or freezer, I just have a tiny fridge and I can’t fit Hardly anything in my back pack. And it’s a good bike trip so I didn’t go get any microwave meals I just ordered food when I got home and that’s my days most the time. Order food or stop to s fast food place, and it’s definitely unhealthy but atleast I haven’t had any creme horns lately. I’ve been trying to contact the company where I got my bike for help on some of the issues I’m having and they have been zero help. I did delete the dating app about a week ago like I said and I do feel better. But I still am taking to this girl that I’ve been talking to and it’s hard not to talk to her sometimes, we can’t see each other anyways which honestly isn’t bad so I guess talking isn’t terrible, but I still find myself getting very jealous over things and just idk in a place I shouldn’t be sometimes. I guess I feel like if we don’t talk part of me will feel lonely, I only talk to my mom and daughters. I know I could get myself out there and get to a meeting for some bonds and shit like that but idk I’m sorry I just don’t like meetings. Hopefully it doesn’t mean I’ll relapse because I won’t do meetings. I feel I’m being cautious of things and working hard on staying sober other wise. So idk sometimes I just feel lonely but then sometimes when people do try to come into my life part of me doesn’t want it. I think I’m just a weird person in general, life’s weird in general. Sometimes I feel like I just take so much for granted, and life can be gone so fast, I’m so afraid of death, like some day i need to accept the fact im going to lose my parents and man I can’t fathom losing my mom she is my rock and I’ve taken her for granted so many times and I love her so much bc she is an angel and does anything to make sure I’m ok and my girls ok. I’m afraid that some day I’m gonna be gone and never get to see my girls again, like man its just so hard to think that some day I’ll never get to see my beautiful girls faces again and I just watch them grow so fast and time flies so quick and then boom it’s like they just are gone and I’ll never remember them again. So I need to stop being so selfish and focus on getting shit right and giving these guys the best life they can. I just want to get shit right and idk I’m rambling and I’ll end this I guess. Much love everyone happy Friday
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125 days af
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Doing well!
(I made an error skipping day 123–miscounted-is that a word?)
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Day 10 and I shall not be drinking today 
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Good morning ya’ll,
I am getting ready to go home today and the saddness/guilt of leaving is there. I wont say heavy or sharp, because honestly I still have that emotion that is under the surface. Yesterday while talking about my nephew while advocating I did start to cry, and in a way it felt good to feel those tears come over me. One day when this is legally over, i will share a pic with you all bc I just need you to see this beautiful boy.
I sat in my moms saddness last night, and I tried to listen/validate and also offer her weight/saddness some perspective. My mom cries all the time, every day she sobs. For context my mom was NOT a cryer my whole life, emptional sure but she did not cry fpr herself when she was hurt or cry in front of us in situations. To hear my mom sob, to know she wakes up sobbing, goes to sleep sobbing. I cannot describe. So i tried to just sit with her, and ot is very hard. I only offered two suggestions bc she is in a bad way and I feel like keeping a worry log (her brain is consumed with worry, understandably and perseverates due to trauma. A wprry log for my fellow worriers is where you set time aside each day, 1-3 times dependinf on what you want to do and you write down ALL your worries in say 10-20 min. I would only do it once a day, write my list and then all my What ifs. The point is is that you structure your worry time, so if you start worrying after its like oh hi, i hear you but its not time for you now Ill see you at the next worry session. Anyway, it did IMMENSLEY help me and I feel now it is ingrained) and she needs a break. Christmas, the anniversary and now the trial all are piling this energy pn her and its causing her to fall in a hole of saddness, darkness and hopelessness AND YET how could ypu not??
Something else which is also very hard fpr her is the dynamic with my father. I have been alienated frpm that family for speaking up against their lack of support for my nephew (which was an extension of how my sister and nephew were treated when she was alive, but my stepmom is REALLY LOUD about how much she loves us and would do those grandgestures for us and be VERY LOUD about all she is doing…meanwhile she was slowly cutting us out), and my mom had always had deep issues woth my dad for how he treated her and then treated her and us while she raised us. The other day he said to her that we are not dping my nephew any favpurs by keeping him (because he will inevitably go somewhere else), qnd this just encapsulates his attitude generally. I dont knoq who needs to hear this but being raised and “loved” by someone with deep personality issues or whatever its called (i have never wanted to pathologize others around me, but im now learning thatbit has kept me blind not to do so) effects us deeply, and i think especoally bc my dad is a very charming, well liked and successful perspn it just doesnt seem to all make sense (even in my brain, i have always ADORED MY DAD and it makes me feel a deep sense of saddness, shame and just awful to say and feel these things). It is my mom and I on my own, and Im gping to keep listening to that Spiderman Spiderverse soundtrack bc I GOTTA GO HARD, I GOTTA ELEVATE Our Peace in this life is so important, and im approaching 40 and just fonally accepting and acknowledging how those in my family oppose my Peace, and the principles & values I hold dear. Thats a gift my sister is giving me, because for me I have accepted them my WHOLE life…but i will npt live in the delusions of others just because their reality makes them feel better about themselves. FUCK IM SO GLAD IM SOBER ON THIS DAY XO.
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I shall not as well! 
Have a good day!
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Day
254 no alcohol
185 no ciggs or vapes
24.73 no form of marijuana
Just checking in
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Thank you everyone for your kind words 
I am building lots of flat pack furniture and pushing through each day to get the home organised and unpacked.
Hopefully in a week I should have it sorted - I do hope
Wishing you all well 
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I didn’t know you moved! Hope it was a happy one and it’s good to hear from you! Unpacking is the worst!!!
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Oh Rosa I moved out temporary for building works that took 4 months. We had to take everything with us.
Then we had to pack it all up again and bring it all back.
I can say I decluttered and only brought half the stuff back 
but it is overwhelming. But Im at the best bit now, back home, building work is amazing and it feels life changing.
I want every thing done and put in its place all in one day which just isn’t possible and unrealistic and I don’t know when to stop and wear my self out usually.
But this time I’m only working on unpacking and putting storage solutions up in the day and stop in the evening.
It’s going really well.
Just glad I have come out the over end, if I wasn’t sober none of this would of happened.
All though it’s slightly hectic, it’s also so perfect at the same time. I feel so grateful I’m at this point.
Hope your all settled back in now, can’t wait for summer now to get in the garden and sort that. But one thing at a time. One day at a time - for everything.
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That’s a lot to deal with but what a wonderful result, I’m happy for you! I’m looking so forward to gardening also!
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Day 19
Ready to avoid all alcohol today with you fine folks!
ODAAT
-Solar
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Hey all, checking in on day 1314. I hope everybody has a good one!
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That’s a wonderful thing to say. She will always be with you.
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203 days sober
I have flu (or some other flu like shit). Feel like my day has come 
It’s 3rd day of fever around 40°C (ibuprofen and paracetamol helping to make it to around 38,5) so I expect to feel bit better soon. It have to finish soon. All the time I’m freezing, or burning, there is nothing in between.
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