Well done on 50.
Happy to see that you’re adding to the tally
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I know you have not asked for any advice, but I know what has helped me.
In early recovery structure was super important to my day. I had not job because I was not hirable, but I also needed structure to my day. For me I kept a consistent stream of IOP, then a meeting, then the library, then a meeting or two. I know, for me, that laying in bed all day was a terrible thing and would lead to a back slide. I see that you tend to do that on your day off. That is typically a warning sign of a relapse. You’ve stated your are not interested in going back to AA, and that’s fine. But from my perspective (having watched your patter for years now) that your current path is trending towards the danger zone. You are far enough away from your last relapse that your body no longer needs that much rest. From what I read I don’t see a ton of recovery related activities so maybe that is something to consider filling your time.
Again, not trying to give advice as you never seem to want any, but just letting you know that from where I sit it seems like you are heading in a bad direction. This probably isn’t what you want to hear and I tried to phrase it as kindly as I could, but I think it is something you need to hear before it’s too late.
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26 days free of alcohol
20 days free of THC
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Ive never said I don’t want advice. Just because I don’t always answer people when they give advice doesn’t mean it’s not wanted man. I do the best I can, to you maybe it’s not the best. And maybe deep down I could do better, but I take what I can from advice and try to use it the best I can. You’re right a lot of times I tend to get stuck in some old patters. But ATM I know for a fact I have zero desire to pick or use. I can’t help my depression man, the days I have to work I get up and I make it and do the best I absolutely can, the days I have off I don’t want to sleep all day. It may seem like a dangerous pattern for you and I agree no my body doesn’t need the sleep, but I also can’t just force myself out of bed. I know excuses excuses. I’m already beating my ass for not making it to work today. I was not happy and I’m remembering these feelings. I do my IOP every week still, I see my therapist every two weeks. And sure I could get a little better involved with some recovery based things I do agree. I know I’d do anything to get high why I can’t I do the same to stay sober. I get it I’m fucking up my recovery and not actually putting in any work and just being a dry drunk. I feel fine for the most part, but yeah some days I just can’t get out of the funk. Trust me when I stop coming here to check in I’ll know when I’m in a bad relapse sign. Yes these are some old patters but I know I don’t want to use. Im not going to fuck up and that ATM I know. But I’m not disagreeing that I need more work. I say it almost every day, but I do wish you wouldn’t put words in my mouth and say I never want advice anyways. Thanks for trying to put it nicely though. I will also say, despite some of this stuff I am very proud of my self man. Do I wish I was doing the shit I was when I got sober that first 15 months and was out doing the 50 mile bike rides. Yes I do, I wish I was working much harder. And sometimes I do agree it doesn’t seem like I’m putting in the work I could. But all I can do is keep going forward and keep trying.
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Oh that is a cute chilly movie to watch 
I am writing to you because I have done 2 of those. Is it when they put that long stuff through your mouth deep into your guts and stomach?
Oh man, I hate that… Last time I did it It was so hard I was chocking all the time… but on the end I learned one thing - Concentrate to breathing! Breathing is the most important thing. Deep breaths in - deep breaths out. The medical sister helped me a lot. She saw I was having hard time so she started to breathe with me 
it becomes quite easy then. You get the rythm and I almost did not even noticed when they ended the procedure.
Focus on breathing 
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Day 212. Nearly my birthday!, it will be a sober one too
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Checking on on day 3 after falling off the wagon a bit. It’s been quite hellish these last few weeks and I’d gotten really sloppy with my sobriety; constantly downplaying my problem, taking my ID shopping when I know I shouldn’t. I’m a little disappointed in myself for not taking accountability for my actions, but I’m trying to get on the right path…
So, here I am again. I hope everyone is safe and well.
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129.9
I want to thank You for all the beautiful people here.
Without You I would probably go drink and talk to the bartender.
Truth to be told today is probably the hardest day through all this last lasting sobriety. This time I digging too deep. Digging into my past, facing my mistakes, my fears, my perspective of view. I know it can be therapeutic, but sometimes things just get wrong. I see I still have a lot of pain in me. A lot of darkness as I like to call it. I am letting the light in and I am healing. Maybe some spots are still too painful to touch. It just too much to handle at the moment that I even started to feel depressed.
Don’t worry for me I am professional
When I go to doctors and I undress and they see all my scars I see their faces gets sad. Or my friends reactions also is the same. I remember few friends were asking me whats happened here or whats there? I always talk with smile, laugh and say horrible things as it is nothing much to handle. I remember my friends girflriend said: ‘‘Really, it’s horrible and you laughing like its nothing…’’ Same happened few days ago at doctors office… Same happened today…
Strong russian doctor, he looked to me with sad eyes and said I am so sorry for you…
I really sort of like put filler on hard edges and make it seem in a different perspective. Optimistic sort of… Well after hearing ‘‘I am so sorry, i am so sorry many times…’’ or seeing sad faces - I just starting to give up… Really I start to feel sorry too…
Maybe it is my mask? I thought I am quite open person. People hate weak people. I know it. Do you ever was in deep depression? I was for 4 years and on heavy meds. Those who was knows… You start to ignore people, ignore phones because you know they start to judge you, teach you and start point fingers on you… Then you just give up trying and turn off the phone… They do not understand…
I am afraid. Last time when I was feeling something similar like what I am feeling now, but I was very very very drunk - I almost killed myself. I would never do it to myself, but I was totally blacked out, I dont remember anything. It happened twice to me in life. I blacked out many many times in life, but those were different. That is just scarry stuff to remember…
Depression teached me things. I know where I can be understood, or where I will be listened…
It’s here 
Thank You all 
Don’t worry for me I am professional
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Heyy
Good shere
Blackout harm to myself is a big and real fear i have. I remember seeing a bottle of hard alcohol shaped like a revolver at the liqure store. I remember thinking it was cool and watedvto steal it showing how much ofba problem i had and how clueless i was.
Im notblike that anymore with much more awearness
Yourva very beautiful sole. Your sheres get to the point and are unique when it comes to your perspective
Stay strong for us here. We need ya here
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Downplaying the problem. Thats exactly what i needed to hear. Thats my issue bigtime and today. Thank you
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Thank You 
I feel better now. Sometimes I feel like a infinite container of pain. It just feels like you keep spilling it out and it just never ending feeling.
How much left of this suffering you wonder… It’s wounds. You have to learn to live with your problem in a way. Many people have different sufferings and sicknesses. Some keep insuline needles in they pockets. Some puts prosthetics in the morning… Some people really has infine pain. They live. They go through. When You think about OTHERS - you even realise that it isnt even that bad. Addictions. Depression. We have to use right tools at the right moment. I feel sad - I talk. I need rest. I stay away from my addictions.
I talked and I feel much better now. On the other side I could just give up and pick a bag of beer and a bottle of whiskey as I usually do. Then go to the city and do not remember how I get back.
It was a good timing this time and the right tools used. Thanks Higher Power for this understanding and all support I get
I usually feel good, this almost never happens to me. Mostly when drunk. I don’t go to meetings, but for example If i would get more of theese and more often I would definetly go back to meeting as it is also very therapeutic. People share. People listen. It’s beautiful 
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wow this just popped in from nowhere 
worth listening 
[UPDATED] Seed???
Maaan, everytime I look to that Abyss strange stuff happens
I surrender.
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Grateful to be above ground and able to release some frustration here with this community of kind compassionate people.
Today has been challenging. The foster kids had a rough night which has lead to a rough day full of emotions for the children. Lots of crying, screaming, whining, and inappropriate behaviours on their part today. Had to give multiple personal space timeouts to each of them.
Knowing that this has been difficult and how it has been effecting us and the children I have requested for even more support today. Especially since family visits have been suspended until further notice.
Met with a mediator today to begin the process of regaining our visits with our grandson. Not expecting results from mediation and anticipate having to go to court, but happy the process has started.
My brain is in a fog lately. I was on my way to the store today to grab a couple items. I stopped to check the mail on my way out, drove to the store, then went to shut my car off noticing that the mailbox key, and the house keys were missing. I quickly patted myself down to no avail. I rushed back to the mailbox thinking I had forgot them hanging in an open mailbox slot door, to pull up and then not be there. Frantically re-patting myself down, I found them in my sweater pocket (which I had checked earlier but they were between myself and my seatbelt and didn’t make a noise).
Drove back to the store and had a notification come in which was from my therapist cancelling my session tomorrow. It’s been over a month now and so much has happened. I was really counting on tomorrow… Hoping she has space next week and am waiting for a response.
Still sober and recognizing that I need some personal time and that I need to attend a meeting very soonish.
Have a wonderful day all.
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Day 232 AF.
I really struggled to get out of bed this morning, or rather, I got back into bed after getting the kids up for school. I tried to go to the morning yoga class but it was fully booked by the time I was motivated enough. I did go to the lunchtime class instead though. Then I had a meeting with my support worker who I asked to help me fill out a couple of applications. She looked over them and we’ve agreed that I should try to fill one of them out by myself first and she’ll help if I get stuck.
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I had a heavy craving for cbd today while downplaying my addiction. So i went to a online meeting, and ordered burghers and fries for me and the wifey.
Downplaying my addiction is one of my biggest issues. If i gave in, not only would i be taking my wifes needed cbd but i would either keep doing it or , do and come back here with my tail inbetween my legs explaining that i relapsed with no excuse why. What excuse would there be? I have perscribed meds for anxiety, i really dont need to depend on cbd
28.11 days
Cbd, thc and hemp free
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I wasn’t going to respond but I’m going to. Do you really think you are being helpful with these types of posts? Time after time I have heard you be abrasive and judgmental of people, implying that they are weak or heading down a wrong path, and coming down really hard on those who relapse. I understand this is a life and death disease and you want to share what worked for you, but have you considered:
- asking someone first if they want input or advice
- pointing someone toward existing threads published by moderators on resources for recovery
- not assuming that you understand someone’s own life path or journey, or what works for them or not
This should be a safe place for people to vent their frustrations and negative emotions and all the things that we need to get off our chest without fear of chastisement or judgment. If you are an AA follower then you know that it’s a program of attraction, not promotion.
I left this forum the first time in part because of how I saw you respond to people who relapsed, and frankly I am starting to feel that way again. But there are so many other great folks here that I don’t want to leave. I really wish you would rethink your approach and tone.
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Thanks for your input.
Mike is one of my favorite people on here. In fact I actually have made a point to meet him in real life. I’m invested in his success and have seen him achieve a lot. I’m also aware of ways to reach out to him.
So maybe before you rush to judgment you should also consider that maybe you also don’t know the whole story.
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Every day is a new day to make better decisions, friend. Focus on what you can control - your actions today. Just 24 hours, and then the next; or hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, whatever works for you.
I wish you well.
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You know I’m not a big talker, but I always always look forward to your unique check-in gifs/videos. They are so artistic and you usually say so much with them without any words.
Tonight you used words, loads of them. Thank you for sharing your story, your fear, your emotions and your pain.
In the time I’ve been a member on this forum, I’ve seen you relapse a few times. But this time your strength is undeniable. I am so very proud of your 129.9 sober time, my friend 
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