I think you do not want to give up, I think you do not want to feel this way and I understand that completely.
Iām sorry you feel in a funk.
Try to focus on yourself and put you in the centre. You and recovery and build from there.
Make your own room compfy, clean and a place to chill. Can you make a list of little steps towards the life you eventually want? With steps towards work, a house ore other temporary place to stay, money, network, etc?
About the weightā¦I didnāt loose one bit in the first year of my recovery, I think I even gained some. Quit drinking gave me a sweet tooth and it took a while to get a normal eating pattern again.
Glad you are here, venting can be such a relief!
I hope feel a bit better next time we speak
Weekend! Happy with that. The weather turned very wet again . Going to look into buying a smart bike home trainer today. I want to ride, even when itās at home. Otherwise thereās enough stuff for me to do. Chores. See a movie. Visit my sis who has two kittens at home. Visit some more friends. Having a goodbye party for some colleagues tonight. And more. None of it will involve any drinking or drugging. No way. Have as good a day as you can friends. Sober and clean. Love from my little square.
@Steve92 This from the CDC: āOf the 24 human rabies cases reported to CDC in the United States since 2000, none have been associated with exposure to a rabid cat. The last documented case of human rabies from exposure to a rabid cat was in 1975.ā Hope that helps a little. @SY1234 Welcome the the check-in thread friend, and congrats on being sober for six full days! Iām glad youāre here. Better times are ahead just as long as you stay sober and start working on your recovery. Hugs. @wahtisnormal Soberwalker gave you a perfect response already Zoe. I just want to say youāre seen here, and weāre in this together. Youāre not alone. Keep building your own life one day and one small step at a time. @JennyH I see you smiling at my post. Hi Jenny!!! So glad to see you lady.
1277 days no alcohol.
742 days no cocaine.
257 days no vape.
2 days no binge-eating.
I did online courses Wedsnesday and yesterday. Wednesdayās was okay, yesterdayās not very good at all, it made me quite angry to be honest.
Feeling a lot of sadness and guilt around the passing of one of my cats back in Jan 2018, a few photos have been coming up on my memories recently so thatās what has triggered it, and the only way I know how to cope is to binge-eat, because I canāt cry.
Yesterday was also the anniversary of the passing of my cousinās little girl, so I was having sad feelings about that too.
I had a hair cut yesterday, Iāve finally found a barber I actually like, and Iāve lived here for almost 2 years and didnt even know it was there, only a 5min walk away. So thatās something positive.
Cheking in. Today, just now, I felt a urge to drink, I miss the early afternon wine. I saw a snap that triggered it. Im not going to drink. Going to suffer myself trough work from 14.00-22.00.
Checking in Day 0 again. What was going on in my mind as I relapsed last night and this morning. Honestly, I am not sure. I just wanted to use porn and masturbation for soothing I guess. Life feels like it never just stops for a breather and maybe that is what I am reaching for. But it is time to get back up again.
I am so afraid to call my sponsor because I have been relapsing left and right. I know he wonāt scold me but I am starting to give into that narrative again of feeling like a failure.
Day 87. Good morning sober fam, doing a quick check in at work. Having a good day, and being trained on the sterile unit. Itās pretty fun. Saw yesterday that a couple of the guys I use to go through for drugs got arrested so that kinda put a smile on my face and hope they get better. Somebody posted a video of two people nodding out in the middle of the road in my home town as well, picking on them and posting it all over the Internet, I know one of the guys, I grew up with him and it was sad to see. Idk who Iām more sorry for the guys nodding out or the guy who recorded it. Idk I know they were silly for being like that, but I donāt believe in knocking others while there down. Me myself might of went up asked if they needed water and maybe try to get them to a safer place. Idk but I donāt think I would of picked on them. Idk much love everyone
Checking in, feeling a slight bit brighter but that might be Fridayitus, itās real.
Have my assessment next week for talking therapy to commence so Iām hoping itās positive and that I can make some good strides into my mental health as itās been very poor lately. My blood work and health assessment is back to check if I can take on HRT for the hormonal stuff going on with me. Will follow up on that next week also as I just know my anti depressants are not scratching the surface right now thereās no point taking them.
Good news:
My cholesterol fell a tiny bit more!
My liver enzymes are now perfect and in range, from being almost three times over the limit during addiction.
Iāve lost 14kgs since I started at the lipid clinic.
Taking my son to the doctor today, he had a 102 temp on Wednesday and got sent home from school and there was NO moving him from his bed to take him anywhere bc his entire body hurt. Heading today to see if itās strep, COVID or the flu, all of which are rapid right now in his highschool.
My 10 year old lab is not eating much. Sheās not acting sick, but moping around and it worries me the end is near for her. Thatāll break my heart.
Itās Friday. Thatās all Iāve got.
I hope everyone has or is having a good day. Much hope and love to every one of you.
You are NOT a failure!
You have learned to soothe yourself through porn and masturbation. Now you need to learn new ways to do that. A healthier way. Learning takes time.
And you already did learn at least two things:
You came here and shared. That is not easy. This is a new skill.
You realized it is about soothing. Finding that out is a huge step. Another skill.
Now you have added at least two new things to your skillset. Well done! Keep finding out, keep discovering, keep sharing.
Checking in Day 31
After much back and forth
I think Iāve finally decided sobriety is for me
I feel so much healthier, level headed, able to think logically and less reactory (although I think mood stabilizers help with that). Able to do what I need to do so I can do what I want to do.
Just wanted to say a huge thank-you to this community for helping me get back on track.
I know there will be tough days ahead but I feel like I have the tools to manage them and none of that includes drugs or alcohol woo freaking hoo to that! Hereās to the next 30 days! Keep on trekking all. Sobriety is possible!!
. Going to look into buying a smart bike home trainer today. I want to ride, even when itās at home. Otherwise thereās enough stuff for me to do. Chores. See a movie. Visit my sis who has two kittens at home. Visit some more friends. Having a goodbye party for some colleagues tonight. And more. None of it will involve any drinking or drugging. No way. Have as good a day as you can friends. Sober and clean. Love from my little square.
welcome to the world baby Archer 
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thank you, and thank you also for the bonus photo 
congrats on 2 days 
Have no Doubt!
Day 40 
woo freaking hoo to that! Hereās to the next 30 days! Keep on trekking all. Sobriety is possible!!