Day 89. Well I’ve been pretty good about sleeping in but yesterday was Saturday and I did sleep all day. Friday night when I fell asleep I had the absolutely most real using dream and I did so much bad stuff. And I just felt so ashamed Saturday and felt like I really relapsed and I was tired and hung over so I just slept. I still thought it was real today when I woke up. I was afraid to leave or be seen or anything. But I’m glad it wasn’t real, I got out did a little shopping and I’m back home and just gonna watch a movie and relax. Tomorrow will be 3 months so thats exciting much love everyone
24 Likes
Yes! It might also be seeing themselves in you @Misokatsu and how you have handled things. And thusly how they can do so, building from that. That’s how I feel about my dad because we are so similar, the use of alcohol to cope with emotional distress and whatnot. He conquered it and he was a big influence for me to do so also. But also a reference point for how to move forward in my life. Keep it up, you’re doing better than you think I am sure of it.
11 Likes
Day 728
Last night was a shitshow lol But its all calmed down today.
So i get home from work yesterday, my son is very sick. I called the hospital oncall respirologist and she prescribed some antibiotics. I thought great! As im rushing around to get ready to head back out to the pharmacy, i slammed my toes in the metal bed post. Like SLAMMED them good lol i could barely walk. So here i am limping my way to the pharmacy. Had to stop numerous times bcuz i was in so much pain. I get to the pharmacy. My sons 2 weeks of antibiotics cost $538. Like what?! We have insurance so i only paid $116… but still. That prescription used up alot of my sons benefits for the year. I limp home. Still havent eaten at this point. I give him his meds and put him to bed. Ate something small, showered, and went to bed. I woke up with swollen toes. One toe is starting to be bruised. I still cant walk on my foot very well. I have cold pack on it now. I stayed home from work bcuz i ovviously cant walk on it. But… my son is feeling SOOOO much better. Dont know how he got better so quickly but he did. Thankful for that. Today is much calmer of a day. No urges to use thankfully 
Think i might dye my hair today (got the idea from @jazzys). Other than that, not much else happening today. Maybe spme laundry and some cleaning. Hope everyone has a great day 
27 Likes
This is a very interesting thought you shared Rosa. When I was younger I was always so angry at my dad for not being different, not like I wanted him to be. But with time I realized that he and I were very much alike in a lot of ways. I also started understanding why he chose to be or do things a certain way. And I used his experiences and his example to build on it, to understand my own vulnerabilities and to find new, more compassionate ways to be human.
8 Likes
Day 70
A friend called to complain about her hangover from hell after celebrating carnival fest yesterday. I just came home early from the bar, clear minded and happy after two NA beers. I had the urge to rub that in, but sometimes it’s better to just shush and not be a b*tch. She did ridicule my early sobriety, but I’ll just feel righteous in silence.
Life is so much better sober 
27 Likes
Thx. So true! Yeah the friend is not yet aware. I will be talking with her next time I see her.
3 Likes
@lile01 thanks friend – Was able to keep migraine at bay. Headache is less intense now. Sorry that you are dealing with the headache as well. I am grateful that you are finding the strength to push the urges away and heal yourself. We really do / did unfairly treat our bodies for so long. Know we are right here for you if you should need some support when the addict voice gets loud. You are kicking ass my friend and I am so very proud of you!
@happy_trails Way to go with your 40 days! Wishing that you get some good sleep soon – I know the sleep patterns can be wonky at the beginning. Grateful the rest of your day went well. Families (even the best of em) can drive you bonkers. Grateful you maintained your sobriety and sanity.
@mno Hoping that with the ride and your visit with your sis (and of course the kitty therapy) that you are feeling more stable mentally. I know that being thrown off balance can be off putting. Grateful that you have your tools to keep you on track and I do love your daily reminder for never going back. I use this like often now silently to help me stay focused on sobriety.
@misokatsu Oh Flo I was so excited to see you checking in and then my heart sank. I want to reach out and give you a big hug. I am sorry that you are feeling this way and that your mind is allowing such negative thoughts to fill your space. No matter what you see on social media and even in real life – the background could be totally different. I know so many people who seem to have it all on the outside but are broken and unhappy behind the scenes. I think you are marvelous and I am sure your kids see the powerful woman as well. You don’t even realize how much you give to your kids (throughout their ages) and some of what you give is given silently just through your actions (of course the love and cuddles do help). Recovery really is about way more than just quitting an addiction. I wonder if a different type of therapy or a different therapist is needed. Please know that you are loved and cared for and we are here if you ever need. Do hope that you are able to find some help and support irl to help you through these negative thoughts 
@efountains So lovely to see how the body is healing in recovery! 523 days and going strong 
@iamthechange I am so sorry for the heartache you are feeling. I know that it doesn’t just go away and seeing your dog in pain does not help. Keep working on your recovery and showing her the love and care she needs. We will be right here for you as well 
@deelzebub So sorry Delia that today is not so great. Grateful to hear that you are being gentle and taking it easy today. Do wish that you are able to feel better soon. 
@cleanheart Congrats on day 2. Great work on acknowledging the danger zone ahead and preparing for them. Talking with your sponsor, contacting your accountability partner, searching for spiritual practices and checking in here are great steps. Change up your routines while travelling so that you can go site seeing on your down time or to a meeting or…? Possibilities can be endless. Wishing you luck.
@sy1234 OOH I do love the water and all the healing energy around it. Grateful you got in a lovely row this morning. Day 8 is amazing work. I do know the racing thoughts can be exhausting – just keep working on your recovery. They won’t last long and do get easier to handle. Hoping you are enjoying a restful Sunday.
12 Likes
WOW – this was powerful to read! Thank you for your words. I am sorry that your are feeling terrible. Keep working on your sobriety and I do hope you can get back to feeling good in your sobriety again quickly.
@violagirl OOH that sounds awful! I do hope you heal up quickly – grateful that you do have tea and books to keep you going on a lovely Sunday
@mira_d grateful to see you checking in and letting out your sadness here with us. I do hope that writing it out helped you feel better. So much love to you dear Mira I know it hasn’t been easy and you have some very rocky moments ahead. So proud of you for dealing with your feelings and addressing all that life is dishing out in a sober and clear headed manner.
@butterflymoonwoman Grateful that your son is feeling better OOF so sorry about your toes – sounds awful and painful. Grateful you will practice some self care today – yeah— hair dye? Can’t wait to see the results. Do not use Splat hair dye – it is a lot more of a pain and nuisance.
Checking in on Sunday morning…
Got to sleep in today which was nice as i didn’t get to bed till after 2. Grateful that i did not force myself out of bed at 6:30 just cause the alarm went off. Had some lovely family time this morning and i think i will try to get in a nap now as i am feeling exhausted. I do plan on watching the Superbowl with my dad this evening. My mom is so cute and wants to make us dips and healthy snacks for the game. I am going to try and head over after the nap to help her out.
Not much else going on – wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free Sunday afternoon. Sending you all so much love
22 Likes
this old fart 13,663 still rocking
38 Likes
Hello all, checking in on almost 5 days. I have been feeling rough with this cold but managed to keep going at work. I haven’t had any spare energy for anything else, including checking in here (although have been reading). Had to work yesterday and very busy week ahead, hopefully will manage it all.
Have a good day/evening all
23 Likes
I’m struggling so so much right now… I want to harm and it’s killing me. I feel horrible today and idek why
14 Likes
Day1149,
Checking in, gave addictive behavior some space the last 1-2 weeks. It’s ok, discussing it with my sponsor and even being honest with my therapist helped a lot. So leaving it behind again and see how I can implement some things in a healthy way. Next to this I kept on moving forward, it’s a proces with sometimes taking turns that are only working for a very short period.
Have a beautiful 24 hours.
21 Likes
Thank you for this share. I feel for where you are right now bc I’ve been there so many times myself. This post, and others like it, are exactly why I read here everyday. To remind myself that that darkness is just one drink away. Every stumble, it seems to overcome us sooner than the last, and last longer, even after abstaining. I’m glad you’re feeling in a good place, albeit an uncomfortable one. Stay positive Better days will come.
12 Likes
Today is 139 af. Went to church this morning. Really needed that! Then we met my son and his family, at an indoor arcade place. The boys rode the go carts and played games. On the way home stopped at the grocery for a few things. Now settled in for the evening. Will probably have the game on for my husband, while I work my word puzzles, and bop around on the iPad. Have a good evening everyone!
22 Likes
How are you doing ?
I’m glad you came here for support
I’m thinking of you
4 Likes
. 3
15 Likes
Unfortunately, I gave into the urge today. Doing better now, it seemed to curve some of those nasty thoughts.
7 Likes
I had an okeyish week not long ago, but now I’m back to feeling depressed, anxious and unstable for the last one or two weeks. Sometimes I really don’t see if I ever feel better, if I will ever just be ok with my life as it is. I think my main trigger for sliding back to this mood is loneliness, but it feels so impossible to trust human relationships, that even the idea of getting in contact with others kicks me out of balance. It also triggers my grief and nostalgia, as I don’t want to contact anyone else but my lost one. It is so hard to move on. Sometimes I’m ok with my usual days with my usual routine (this peace still feels odd and out of comfort zone at times), but cannot imagine having people in my life (apart from my kids of course), feeling any kind of attachment to anyone.
As for now I decided to check in here daily for a week to see if that helps.
26 Likes
644, checking in.
23 Likes
46 days free of alcohol
40 days free of THC
Wife is watching the Super Bowl and I am “watching” the Super Bowl 
. This has been a really tough weekend. Been feeling super depressed and tired and hopeless. A feeling of being stuck and like nothing is ever going to get better. I’ve been trying to recognize that these feelings won’t last forever and see them as clouds passing in the sky. I know that drinking wouldn’t help at all. It would just pile on more negative feelings to the ones I already have. I know my brain and body still have a lot of adjusting to do. I know I’m on the right path. So I’m not going to drink no matter what, or take any substance that will prolong my pain.
My heart aches for those of you suffering right now. Sending hugs and please keep going because you are worth a life free of addiction 
22 Likes