Day 40 AF,
Was a stormy night. Time to inspect the workload out there! BRRR 
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What a wonderful experience you provided for your son and his graduating friends. I am sure this is an event they will remember and be greatful for every. 
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Amazing memories made!! Love it! 
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Sending love and hope to you Mno. You have come so far and have such deep introspection. Your growth is tremendous, be kind to yourself. As always beautiful words, beautiful views from such a beautiful soul.
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Day 37 AF
Day 155 Drug Free
Happy Wednesday and Happy Valentineās Day.
Woke up and wrote hand cards shaped with hearts for.ky three children along with chocolate. Thankful for them. Trying everyday to show them by my actions and remaining clean and sober how.much they mean to me. A lot of times I was so wrapped up in the cycle.of addiction/toxic relationship with my ex that I neglected myself and being completely present for them. Feeling lonely and sad, thoughts of what ifā¦if things would or could work with my ex. Would.like.to.have a life partner. Although I know right now the work needs to be done of loving myself first. This can only happen when I remain sober and clean.
Hope everyone has a lovely day! Love and.light.
Happy 24 all!
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Sending love Jene you are so worth it. You inspire me with your perseverance. As you say your.life will be more rewarding. Keep going. 
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Hey all, checking in on day 1340. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Checking in day 44 AF 
Iām feeling much more positive today.
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Checking in Day 0
I acted out and looked at pornography and masturbated late last night before going to bed. I am on a work trip which I knew was going to be a difficult time for me being alone and away from my wife. I am in deep shame but I cannot let the shame win because I know where that leadsā¦ a spiral of self soothing. The things that led up to this relapse included ideation for part of the day, fantasizing about how great it would be to just look up somethings. It ended up being empty in the end. There is loneliness at play here being alone this week but not just being alone, I think I am lonely inside a lot of the time too. Even when I am with people I greatly care about. I think this is because I donāt like who I am. I truly see the good that is in my life but at the same time I struggle to accept that it is good for me. I have decided that I am not worth it inside somehow. I need to start deciding that I am worth it intrinsically. Believing that I have dignity and am owed respect from myself. Somehow I have gotten into this position deciding that I donāt like me.
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Checking in another day sober. Taking a little time for myself this morning before work. I have to work evenings for the next couple weeks, which i donāt care for, but itās temporary. Im stressing a little about my MRI tomorrow morning. I thought it was a normal MRI, no big deal. I found out yesterday when i called to register that theyāre going to inject dye into my hip first and then do the MRI. It sounds painful and youāre supposed to rest and ice it afterwards. I have to drive almost an hour home and then go to work, where Iāll be standing and walking around all evening. Hopefully itās not too bad. Anyone ever had this done?
The family situation has calmed down. Itās not resolved, but no one is sending nasty texts at this point. Hopefully we can all calm down and have a rational discussion at some point in the future.
I have a lot going on in the next few weeks. I belong to a service organization and we have our monthly fundraiser for a needy family, plus some other upcoming events. Im the club president and chair most of the events. I was freaking out last night about how Iām going to get everything done. I made some spreadsheets and lists to get organized. Iām feeling better about it now that i have a plan.
Hope everyone has a beautiful sober day!
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49 days no alcohol
43 days no THC
I have been so sick (from this cold or flu) the past couple days, sicker than Iāve been in years. Itās preventing me from being able to work out and spend the time I usually do meditating, which are two things that help me stay on track. On top of that the health issue Iāve been dealing with for more than a month now has flared up again. Itās not super painful but itās uncomfortable and has made it hard to rest. I am not doing well at all. Iāve had the first thoughts of drinking. I am so desperate to knock myself out of awareness/existence. I donāt want to take NyQuil either because of the 10% alcohol and have not been able to find an alcohol-free alternative. I thought about taking a CBD, just a Delta8, it has very little THC but I think that would unlock something for me psychologically.
What happens is my brain starts imagining/picturing myself getting in my car and driving to the liquor store. That is the first thing that happens. After that other voices chime in saying fuck it everything is shit anyway. I didnāt feel good drinking and I donāt feel good now. It has been one issue after another the last 49 days. It would be nice to get a glimmer now and then to say, yes, this will be worth it, you are on the right path. Instead it feels like the universe is punishing me. I know this is a ridiculous idea but itās how I feel. And my wife just laughs and is like being sick is just part of life. She means well, this is just how she consoles, and itās not what I need, or at least it doesnāt help. I had a crying fit yesterday because I was so desperate to feel better. I am really not in a good position right now and Iām worried for myself and my sobriety. It feels like itās never going to get better, itās always going to be one thing or another. I have no desire to be aware or conscious right now. Sorry for the darkness but Iām hoping if I vent it out here it will help.
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Checking in on day 217.
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Checking in day 45ā¦
I need a Snickers bar something fierce today ā¦
So much love to everyone 
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After work check in. It wasnāt my most brilliant day at work. I canāt fake a smile when Iām down and when the patients started asking me if I was alright I knew this day better end soon. But I survived and home now. Going to take it very easy tonight.
Thanks for the love @acromouse, @Misokatsu and @Lotusflower, and all of you here. Weāre in this together. Love from Luna and me.
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Ok I realize Iām replying to myself hereā¦ but I swearā¦ I just posted I needed a snickers bar and my coworkers husband brought her flowersā¦ and he brought me thisā¦ there is NO way he would have known 
Put it out there in the universe and you shall receive
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Checking in
2 years 1 Day
Thank you everyone for the congratulations on my milestone! All the comments really made me smile this morning!
@Dazercat Hey Eric! Im right here 
Thank you for ur beautiful words! I feel so blessed to have u as a friend I really do!
I was going to attempt to write something inspirational yesterday but couldnt get my thoughts down. I was sooo busy yesterday decorating this Valentines Day cake for my husbands coworker that I didnt have time to sit down and think of what I wanted to say. I am of course so grateful for you all. Without TS I really dont know where I wouldve ended up. Today I have such a good life. Its definitely not perfect but I have a ātoolkitā today that helps me thru the hard times. I can be the best version of myself and a good wife and mom. Drugs are no longer my go to when things get tough. I am sooo grateful 
I didnt do anything for my 2 years but I was excited none the less My husband has the same clean time I do, yet he believes we have been clean for alot longer than 2 years, so we didnt celebrate yesterday. Ill admit, it does feel a lot longer but I have been keeping track so I know the exact date. I might buy myself something anyway though as a gift to myself.
It really brings happy tears to my eyes thinking about how far ive come. From working the streets to support my habit and trying to survive in an abusive relationship, to being free of all of that and being in a healthy relationshipā¦ recovery truly is possible. Thankful to God and to you all for my life today! 
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That was pretty inspiring 
Treat yourself !
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Congratulations 
!!!
You are so inspiring!
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Love you Dana. You work so hard. Huge congrats on another huge milestone. You deserve the best. Hugs and love your way beautiful Lady.
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