Just see this, glad you stay!
5 Likes
Checking in, properly.
Iāve been drifting along and being quite superficial and blasĆ© about it but inside Iāve been not very good. V depressed and low, all the darkness. I feel like thereās no real time Iām truly happy these days and Iām in a constant trap of anxiety and fear and pain.
Iāve reached 40 days again but to say I feel good is a complete lie. I feel fatigued by being me. A long time I have felt this grind of going through the gears and making the right sounds and pointing in the right direction, but Iām not getting anywhere, itās groundhog Day. I was late on this one, ha.
Anyway, just thought I would check in truly and put my marker in the sand here. I have no idea what Iām doing these days. 
I feel like Iām waiting for an epiphany or rebirth thatās not happening. Self loathing is at an all time high for me, though Iām fighting it.
28 Likes
*Day 1967 
Slept bad. Think I slept from 2.30 untill 6 oāclock. Couldnāt shut down my active brains, they where rambling!
Songs, ideaās for my goldsmith class, things about work, relation stuff, etc 
I wish I would have an off button.
Today? Work and tonight a dinner for my birtday. I hope my head wonāt fall into my plate 
29 Likes
Day 41
Work is mental right now, there is no way I could have managed this drinking. I was right about getting sick but it was just a cold and seems to be going now. I have done nothing but work and knit for the last few days. I was looking forward to celebrating day 40 for some reason. It felt like a milestone I wanted to enjoy and so checked my app this morning to find out when it is so I can decide how I want to celebrate it. Turns out it was yesterday and I celebrated it by staying sober!
Have a good day every one.
24 Likes
Iām sorry you feel like this. Maybe give yourself and your feelings some slack? Like waving a bit like reed? 40 days are a nice stretch, but for me the first 3 months where an emotional funk 
And being tired is one that was my companion for months in my recovery. Maybe that is the case for you too? Hope the venting helps, maybe do it every day helps to get the edge out?
13 Likes
Check in A.M the days are long that nights are longer atm but Iām pushing thruā¦ Keeping it simpleā¦ I hope everyone makes it thru another day whatever that may look like 
14 Likes
Thanks James, Iām staying the course. 
5 Likes
Yes I do think that Iām super tired. Sounds silly, but these kittens are really a lotā¦ Nearly five months old and protein rich tornados. They play most the night and I just canāt seem to get a full nightās sleep.
Also I accept that perhaps I need to reset after leaving my job, Iāve been burned out for a few years or seems. COVID also killed a part of me inside, I lost my curiosity for being outside. Thatās hard to get back as the nesting instinct is so strong.
9 Likes
Day 261 just checking in. Not posting much but reading your posts and itās keeping me sober. Thanks and have a wonderful day everybody!
20 Likes
Day 42 already and going ok. Nervous about a birthday celebration on Friday. Being type one diabetic my soft drink option are very limited and I donāt like Cola. So Iām rehearsing the phrase - Iāll have a water please.
19 Likes
Day 8
Checking in, free from alcohol
29 Likes
I get the COVID thing. I am more of an introvert and need a lot āalone/meā-time. And after COVID I just āforgotā or didnāt really care much about meeting people.
Added to that health challenges and I really did not have any inclination to spend energy on socializing, which most of the time leaves me drained anyways.
But after a while I realized that I do need a certain amount of social interactions apart from my imediate household, and that neglecting the social part of my life means neglecting a basic human need.
So I started - at first very reluctantly - to try things out, the low hanging fruits basically. Now I am slowly getting into more social contacts.
What Iām trying to say is: Even when socializing feels like an energy drain, you probably need it, and self care means finding a way of socializing that feels good for you. But you have to take this first step.
I hope youāll feel better soon. Sending you hugs and a smile 
11 Likes
Yeah I know what you mean, definitely need to reach out now to my people that I actually like (not many). 
Iām definitely a huge introvert. Drinking made me louder and more bold but inside I was still the shy and scared person, that always left me confused and nurturing both these split personalities. Like two secret people.
Iāve worked from home for a few years as well so apart from teams and calls I see no one apart from my partner.
I have no family to speak of apart from my sister now, so thatās another feeling of loss and lack of love. After everything thatās happened with estrangement and family problems all Iām left with is this gaping hole of never being loved. After all, I still have a taped message of my mother saying she always hated me (she was drunk). So how can I mend that feeling that everything was a big fat theatre of pretend.
I miss people I guess, but equally I find low level interactions pointless mostly. Iām not very good at going light; itās all or nothing for me. Often Iāve been shamed for going deep by people around me and told to lighten up a bit. Itās made me withhold my opinions and thoughts with most people.
10 Likes
450 days sober today.
No temptation. Happy being sober.
The āhangoversā Iāve been getting since quitting are caused byā¦.chocolate! There is no god!! 
.
Quit chocolate 16 days ago after a process of elimination. Sleeping much better but damn, I miss chocolate!
28 Likes
Day 85. First day of training on the new job. Looking forward to it, all is going pretty well otherwise. Not to much to say I suppose. Much love
22 Likes
Soā¦who would have thought that while youve been secretly suffering (until now) youve also managed to help me out emencely recentlyā¦may i say that i think your pretty wonderful
8 Likes
Iām glad you decided to stay. This is a support group for everyone struggling with addiction, not just those who successfully maintain long-term sobriety. Keep fighting for yourself, you deserve it.
Also, I understand feeling alienated. Even now and on here I sometimes feel left out of the ācool kidsā club. Like I somehow donāt belong or Iām not worthy orā¦ something. But then I think, āFuck it!ā. I post what I wanna post, I speak out about what I wanna speak out, and if anyone doesnāt like me, they can scroll past.
Loads of people on here are supportive of you and rooting for your success. 
22 Likes
Awwwwww I find it easier to help people where I can, I feel less useless thank you Kelly.
5 Likes
@Tragicfarinelli you are such a wonderful and compassionate person who always has a kind word for the people on here. I always appreciate your words of encouragement and I enjoy reading your shares. Hang in there! Be nice to yourself, the first couple of months of sobriety can be tough, but youāre doing so so well.
For me, the hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that not drinking isnāt a magic bullet to cure all my lifeās problems. It makes them easier to manage. Likeā¦ when youāre digging a hole for years and then you stop digging. Itād not gonna magically lift you back to the surface, you gotta climb. But you canāt start climbing before you stop digging.
Saying thatā¦ Iām more than a year sober and still a depressed, miserable cow 
Day 389
Aw man, thereās a lot happening inside my little blonde head and Iām struggling to make sense of it. The kitchen falling down really scared the bejeezus out of me and the aftermath of builders and my parents coming round to sort it out rattled me to my core. Yeah, I live next door to my dad, but I hardly ever see him. To his credit, heās got 0 interest in spending time with me. Actually I think he only puts up with us staying here to humour my mom. And thatās fine. But when I do see him, he rattles me even if heās not doing or saying anything wrong.
Cabin fever. I think Iāve got cabin fever and need to get out and touch some grass or something. I also need to figure out a way to make more money, so far, Iām worsening my carpal tunnel for a teeny amount of compensation. If I donāt find a decent income source soon, weāll really struggle to go on our travels this year. And my God! I need to travel.
23 Likes
Thank you for this post Amy and welcome back directly @zzz
I will try posting a bit more again, although I am a bit inhibited. Both your posts say it all 
8 Likes