Good to have you man.
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Keep in the fight. I know itās going to get better. These dark days of winter (that is if you are in the northern hemisphere) are long and play at our psychy. Like you I am struggling a bit with day to day and am hopeful the skies clear, the snow melts and the joy of spring flowers awakens us all.
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Wait! Thereās a cool kids club here?? Hahaha
I just thought that was kinda funny. No disrespect meant 
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Good morning to all, day 210. Hereās a quote from a book Iām reading. Thought Iād share after reading through a lot of posts here recentlyā¦
āDespite our experience with a lifetime of change, something within us never stops insisting on stabilityā¦Weād rather think we have firm ground to stand on than see clearly that everything is always in transition. Weād rather deny the reality of continual change than accept the way things are.ā (Pema Chodron)
Sending out love and strength.
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Day 33,
Well all good things, must come to an end.
After 8 good nights of sleep, last night sucked, just a broken up, toss and turn constantly waking after dreams to which I couldnāt recall. It all just seemed so slow motion dragging the added darkness on and on.
I spent a good amount of time catching up here this morning so based on others situations I wonāt bemoan anything as many people are struggling through much more than just a crappy nights sleep.
Wishing you all better days ahead and know that doing this sober, as hard as it feels sometimes, know it is a much smarter way forward. I truly believe that now.
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I have no idea if that helps but I am nearly a year sober from my doc and whenever I get stressed I have nightmares about using and weak up scared like oh no no i couldnāt have done that!
So I think itās just our subconscious fear, but that is about it
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- Checking in from the gym. Got here about 6:30. Made it a point for the last couple months to get up at 5. This gives me a chance to do my morning readings, prayer, and attend an online AA mtg. Now Iām adding the gym to yhe mix haha. Reminds me of my old military days of being up early and getting stuff done. Sure beets getting up late feeling lile crap with a hangover.
Have an awesome sober hump day!
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Day 228. Looking forward to a long weekend off and a family wedding. My family arenāt big drinkers so me not drinking wonāt be an issue
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Day 485 sober
Day 224 sh free
Had some using/sh thoughts yesterday. Not sure where they came from. The old āIāve been sober over a year, I can use and itāll be fineā type thinking was there.
Obviously that is not true. I know that. And I am happy I didnāt use.
Instead I took my son to get a haircut and lunch.
Then my little one got to go to get a new outfit and shoes and we went to the bounce house
And then the big girls off to the store to pick out some snacks and hang out.
Spent a lot of money. But it wasnāt on drugs. I didnāt isolate. I stayed present and around at least one kid all day. They really keep me going and accountable when Iām not on here with you all.
Itās a new day and hopefully one that isnāt fueled by using/sh thinking.
Odaat we are making it! Love yāall 
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I need to check in daily to get out of this rut I am in.
Day 0
I looked at pornography and masturbated last night and this morning. It gave me a feeling of being alive, but only for a short moment. Then I came back down way lower than I was beforeā¦ flooded with brain fog, a pit in my stomach, and a feeling of shame. I need to be gentler with myself. This is an opportunity to learn from my fall and get back up. So what have I learned.
The feelings that I had in the 24 hours leading up to this fall include loneliness, failure, laziness, stress, hunger, unhappiness, pride, and anger. Let me explain:
- Loneliness - when I am tempted to act out I tend to distance myself away from my wife to make the acting out easier. I do this physically and emotionally. Physically I distance and avoid touching or hugging or any kind of affection. Emotionally I talk less and try not to engage deeper conversation.
- Failure - I often tell myself I am a failure at being a husband, a father, a worker, or any other Identity I could take on. I āfailā at beeing a husband because I dont always do the right thing, imperfectly sacraficing for my wifeās needs. I āfailā at being a father because I get angry at my kids and end up being to rough on them. Shouting louder than I would like to or grabbing them more aggressively than I would like to. I āfailā at working because I waste time on the internet and donāt get what I want to do done. Though I recognize these are mistakes I have to not take on the identity of failure. I can be a good husband and my wife tells me that I am, am I perfect no, but no one is and there is plenty of opportunity and hope to love her more. Should I not get angry in disciplining my kids, yes, but that does not mean I failed as a dad. I need to lose my pride, say sorry for the wrong I have done and continue to try to do what is right. I have a good relationship with my kids otherwise and I love them. so I have to keeping going down those roads. Do I slouch at work sometimes, yes, but everyone has unproductive days. I just need to work to create an environment of productivity. So there it is, I am not a failure, that is not my identity.
- The feeling of laziness is definitely connected to the days I choose unproductivity at work and scroll the internet mindlessly. Again, other than that I am a good worker. I just need to get internet use out of the sacred time for work.
- It is easy to be stressed because my work has been very stressful, and that is part of why I am internet scrolling. Take the hard problems on as a challenge and give it a positive spin. That is the outlook I need more. My children are very young and I get frustrated with them easily because of the stress of raising small children. I need to practice my daily prayer and meditation and relaxation. If I did this more often I think I would be in a better place to handle it.
- Hunger - yesterday I chose to fast in solidarity with my wife since she had to fast for medical reasons. Though I recognize some great benefits of fasting, I entered into it poorly allowing myself to become irritable. This did not set the stage for me well and my wife told me I did not have to fast with her. I think I took it a little too extreme yesterday and was not in a place to do this. I need to work on more basic things before doing that.
- Unhappiness - Why do I hate myself? I just have to realize that deep down, I dont like meā¦ but I have been learning that If I dont learn to like me, then I dont think I am worth being well. I want to learn to like me and decide that I am worth being well. That the life I am apart of is worth living and building up into something amazing.
- Pride - I think I am better than others especially at work. Always complaining about the issues but thinking I could fix them If they just gave me all the power. Thats a lie and I literally just got done talking about how I choose to be unproductive sometimes. Am I really better than others. Probably not. Pride makes me feel entitled and it perpetuates my acting out.
- Anger - that was explained with my frustration with my children. I have heard anger is a response to an expectation not being met. The next question is, Is that expectation realistic? My children are young and rambunctious, of course they act the way they do because that is how young children act. I need to change my expectations on this one.
Lastly what are the risks and rewards of my acting out:
rewards - Short term pleasure, escape, no need to worry about anything else, ecstasyā¦honestly I am sure there are more here but my brain cant think of them right now.
Risks- loss of marriage, feelings of shame, I am religious so loss of my soul, deeper diving into addiction, depression, anxiety, perpetuating unhappiness.
I rationalize, my wife would never divorce me. That may be true but I am still ruining my marriage in the process. I say just one more timeā¦ or rember that photo, that one was nice I want to relive that.
Part of me thinks this addiction is me trying to escape back into childhood because pornography was my escape. Becoming an adult is hard and I often think about how nice it would be to go back to back whenā¦ With no responsibilities and all. I need to accept that Adulthood is just as exciting and maybe even more exciting than childhood.
I want to try to check in at least shortly here everyday. so that I can get some kind of abstinence and then hopefully truly working on healing and sobriety.
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Just so weāre clear, I really like you lolā¦ we donāt talk much but your posts are some of my favorite to read bc I feel like I relate to you the most. I tend to be more introverted but have really tried putting myself more out there on this forum. So yes, keep posting and keep throwing your stuff on hereā¦ 
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Day 38ā¦ checking in
It appears to be a theme today but my energy levels are kind of low. My schedule at work doesnāt seem to be too crazy today (knock on wood) so Iām hoping for a chill relaxing day.
I hope everyone has the best day they can today. much love to everyone
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Thatās true 
This was something I had to learn too. Iām a person who hates conflicts and I want to be friends with everyone. And if someone rejects me I tend to see the flaw in me, not on the other person.
I found my tribe here, not many, but those who are, are in my heart 
Good to hear that youāre back on track.
Always stand up again, as often as you need to 
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Congratulations on your bike 
the only downside is that you have to stay with your employer for this time otherwise itāll be expensive to get out of the contract.
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Checking in day 37 AF 
. Is anyone else really hungry and craving sugar alot or is it just me? Since becoming sober Iāve gained alittle weight where i was hoping Iād lose afew lbs.
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The first three weeks for me sugar cravings were the worst. I donāt even like sweets Iām more a savory person and I wanted Oreo milkshakes non stopā¦ which is NOT like me I never eat ice cream. Now Iām back to normal. I gave in to my cravings for the time and they passed.
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Had a really good day today! i work as a teaching assistant, usually with young kids with autism. today i was working with teenagers for the first time, and it was a mainstream school. I was nervous but really really enjoyed it! No cravings for alcohol at all, but my real test comes at the weekend. Feeling confident about it though!
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@zzz so good to see you back on track my friend. Grateful that you are going to stick around as this place just wouldnāt be the same without you. Much love to you
@tragicfarinelli Congrats on your 40+ days love. I do understand the thought of āIāve been sober this long why the hell am I not feeling itā. Sometimes I would listen to people say wow I feel so energized after a few days of sobriety and I was like I have months and still feel like shit LOL but I knew it is different for everyone and I would get there eventually. Iām not sure if I had a epiphany but one day I just woke up and felt like I didnāt have that elephant on my chest and the subconscious need to fill any empty void. Tell that self loathing to take a hike or better yet push it off a steep cliff. Practice some positive affirmations as you are a warrior and need to be reminded . Glad you are continuing to fight ā we are here right along side you Oh love I just read your update ā I just want to reach out and give you a massive hug. I do hope you find a way to go out of your comfort zone and interact with people. You are a beautiful soul and are loved. I do hope you start feeling this in real life. Please do not ever feel like you have to hold back or can not go deep with us here.
@Lastry LOL ā I love it!!! It is huge to celebrate the milestones and 40 days is fantastic. Celebrating it by staying sober is a perfect celebration 
go on with your bad self! 
@Violagirl It does make it worse when going out to celebrate and not having great options to choose from. Is it possible to call ahead and see if you are able to bring your own beverages so that you are not limited to water? So excited for your 42 days friend. Is it your birthday?
So good to see you checking in Richard! You are thought of often and I am grateful that you are doing well
@cleanheart Welcome to your day 0 friend. Do you have any in real life support that can help you stay the course as well? I think itās a great idea to check in here daily ā I find it really helps me stay accountable. Any time I feel like I want to cave I think of what I would have to update my check in with and that tape played forward does not seem worth it.
@seizetheday SO totally normal. Your body is trying to adjust to the lack of sugar intake from alcohol. I gravitated towards ice cream and I believe it lasted about 3 months hardcore and then another 3 months intermittently. Hang tough love ā you will get the sugar cravings under control ā be very proud that you are maintaining a AF streak!
Checking in on Hump day
Woke up with some energy and making the most of it. Have a busy day planned and i will take it slowly and tackle one thing at a time. I know its ok if i donāt get to everything today.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love!
Got this lovely notification yesterday 
How awesome that iāve been in your amazing company for one full year. Thank you for being so supportive and loving - making my sober journey that much easier.
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Thank you Jas
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Checking in on day 2 and a bit.
Feeling really nauseous, headachy, tired and shakey today 
particularly rubbish after how much better my detox made me feel.
Going to shower and then stock up on some juices and pop. I did look at supposedly ānon-alcoholicā drinks, but theyāre all 0.5% āor lessā - so, what, 0.4%? 0.1%? Thatās not non-alcoholic! Grrrā¦
Have my appointment with my alcohol counsellor tomorrow and I canāt wait. I really need to get started on medication.
Have a good day all 
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