Checking in daily to maintain focus #63

[Juli1]

Thank you for this post Amy and welcome back directly @zzz
I will try posting a bit more again, although I am a bit inhibited. Both your posts say it all

[Tragicfarinelli]

Thank you Amy, I enjoy your shares too: Real Talk! I get what you are saying and I agree.

I need to stop digging for sure and stay climbing… But realise there is more than one way up Ben Nevis. Mine might take me months rather than days. Which I think it actually would in real life too!

I think you are real rather than miserable by the way. Here for it and you.

[Tragicfarinelli]

Also echo cabin fever. I feel you. Sorry about the work situation, I am unemployed on the 26th onwards and need a short break as I’m so burnt out. But will certainly feel the pinch financially.

Wishing you better times ahead.

[IamThechange]

Morning everyone! Checking in on day 68. The fog is starting to lift, having not been clean this long before I haven’t experienced these periods until now, the good news is I’m getting through the bad times. That’s progress. Have a great day everyone!
and

[BrOKenWolf]

Day 802

Been a while since I checked in on here. However, things have been good in general. Only reason I haven’t checked in is because I’ve not had much to say.

So, I’m still alive, I’m still sober, I’m back in training and getting fitter and stronger by the day.

I hope everyone has a healthy happy day filled with good choices. Still only ever a message on here away if you need me

[Nordique]

Hey all, checking in on day 1333. I hope everybody has a good one!

[Chevy55]

Good to have you man.

[Chevy55]

Keep in the fight. I know it’s going to get better. These dark days of winter (that is if you are in the northern hemisphere) are long and play at our psychy. Like you I am struggling a bit with day to day and am hopeful the skies clear, the snow melts and the joy of spring flowers awakens us all.

[Chevy55]

Wait! There’s a cool kids club here?? Hahaha

I just thought that was kinda funny. No disrespect meant

[Pattycake]

Good morning to all, day 210. Here’s a quote from a book I’m reading. Thought I’d share after reading through a lot of posts here recently…

“Despite our experience with a lifetime of change, something within us never stops insisting on stability…We’d rather think we have firm ground to stand on than see clearly that everything is always in transition. We’d rather deny the reality of continual change than accept the way things are.” (Pema Chodron)

Sending out love and strength.

[Chevy55]

Day 33,

Well all good things, must come to an end.

After 8 good nights of sleep, last night sucked, just a broken up, toss and turn constantly waking after dreams to which I couldn’t recall. It all just seemed so slow motion dragging the added darkness on and on.

I spent a good amount of time catching up here this morning so based on others situations I won’t bemoan anything as many people are struggling through much more than just a crappy nights sleep.

Wishing you all better days ahead and know that doing this sober, as hard as it feels sometimes, know it is a much smarter way forward. I truly believe that now.

[Solanine]

I have no idea if that helps but I am nearly a year sober from my doc and whenever I get stressed I have nightmares about using and weak up scared like oh no no i couldn’t have done that!
So I think it’s just our subconscious fear, but that is about it

[Frank68]

113. Checking in from the gym. Got here about 6:30. Made it a point for the last couple months to get up at 5. This gives me a chance to do my morning readings, prayer, and attend an online AA mtg. Now I’m adding the gym to yhe mix haha. Reminds me of my old military days of being up early and getting stuff done. Sure beets getting up late feeling lile crap with a hangover.

Have an awesome sober hump day!

[Timetochange]

Day 228. Looking forward to a long weekend off and a family wedding. My family aren’t big drinkers so me not drinking won’t be an issue

[Scorpn]

Day 485 sober
Day 224 sh free

Had some using/sh thoughts yesterday. Not sure where they came from. The old “I’ve been sober over a year, I can use and it’ll be fine” type thinking was there.
Obviously that is not true. I know that. And I am happy I didn’t use.

Instead I took my son to get a haircut and lunch.
Then my little one got to go to get a new outfit and shoes and we went to the bounce house
And then the big girls off to the store to pick out some snacks and hang out.

Spent a lot of money. But it wasn’t on drugs. I didn’t isolate. I stayed present and around at least one kid all day. They really keep me going and accountable when I’m not on here with you all.

It’s a new day and hopefully one that isn’t fueled by using/sh thinking.

Odaat we are making it! Love y’all

[CleanHeart]

I need to check in daily to get out of this rut I am in.

Day 0

I looked at pornography and masturbated last night and this morning. It gave me a feeling of being alive, but only for a short moment. Then I came back down way lower than I was before… flooded with brain fog, a pit in my stomach, and a feeling of shame. I need to be gentler with myself. This is an opportunity to learn from my fall and get back up. So what have I learned.

The feelings that I had in the 24 hours leading up to this fall include loneliness, failure, laziness, stress, hunger, unhappiness, pride, and anger. Let me explain:

1. Loneliness - when I am tempted to act out I tend to distance myself away from my wife to make the acting out easier. I do this physically and emotionally. Physically I distance and avoid touching or hugging or any kind of affection. Emotionally I talk less and try not to engage deeper conversation.
2. Failure - I often tell myself I am a failure at being a husband, a father, a worker, or any other Identity I could take on. I “fail” at beeing a husband because I dont always do the right thing, imperfectly sacraficing for my wife’s needs. I “fail” at being a father because I get angry at my kids and end up being to rough on them. Shouting louder than I would like to or grabbing them more aggressively than I would like to. I “fail” at working because I waste time on the internet and don’t get what I want to do done. Though I recognize these are mistakes I have to not take on the identity of failure. I can be a good husband and my wife tells me that I am, am I perfect no, but no one is and there is plenty of opportunity and hope to love her more. Should I not get angry in disciplining my kids, yes, but that does not mean I failed as a dad. I need to lose my pride, say sorry for the wrong I have done and continue to try to do what is right. I have a good relationship with my kids otherwise and I love them. so I have to keeping going down those roads. Do I slouch at work sometimes, yes, but everyone has unproductive days. I just need to work to create an environment of productivity. So there it is, I am not a failure, that is not my identity.
3. The feeling of laziness is definitely connected to the days I choose unproductivity at work and scroll the internet mindlessly. Again, other than that I am a good worker. I just need to get internet use out of the sacred time for work.
4. It is easy to be stressed because my work has been very stressful, and that is part of why I am internet scrolling. Take the hard problems on as a challenge and give it a positive spin. That is the outlook I need more. My children are very young and I get frustrated with them easily because of the stress of raising small children. I need to practice my daily prayer and meditation and relaxation. If I did this more often I think I would be in a better place to handle it.
5. Hunger - yesterday I chose to fast in solidarity with my wife since she had to fast for medical reasons. Though I recognize some great benefits of fasting, I entered into it poorly allowing myself to become irritable. This did not set the stage for me well and my wife told me I did not have to fast with her. I think I took it a little too extreme yesterday and was not in a place to do this. I need to work on more basic things before doing that.
6. Unhappiness - Why do I hate myself? I just have to realize that deep down, I dont like me… but I have been learning that If I dont learn to like me, then I dont think I am worth being well. I want to learn to like me and decide that I am worth being well. That the life I am apart of is worth living and building up into something amazing.
7. Pride - I think I am better than others especially at work. Always complaining about the issues but thinking I could fix them If they just gave me all the power. Thats a lie and I literally just got done talking about how I choose to be unproductive sometimes. Am I really better than others. Probably not. Pride makes me feel entitled and it perpetuates my acting out.
8. Anger - that was explained with my frustration with my children. I have heard anger is a response to an expectation not being met. The next question is, Is that expectation realistic? My children are young and rambunctious, of course they act the way they do because that is how young children act. I need to change my expectations on this one.

Lastly what are the risks and rewards of my acting out:
rewards - Short term pleasure, escape, no need to worry about anything else, ecstasy…honestly I am sure there are more here but my brain cant think of them right now.

Risks- loss of marriage, feelings of shame, I am religious so loss of my soul, deeper diving into addiction, depression, anxiety, perpetuating unhappiness.

I rationalize, my wife would never divorce me. That may be true but I am still ruining my marriage in the process. I say just one more time… or rember that photo, that one was nice I want to relive that.

Part of me thinks this addiction is me trying to escape back into childhood because pornography was my escape. Becoming an adult is hard and I often think about how nice it would be to go back to back when… With no responsibilities and all. I need to accept that Adulthood is just as exciting and maybe even more exciting than childhood.

I want to try to check in at least shortly here everyday. so that I can get some kind of abstinence and then hopefully truly working on healing and sobriety.

[tifflynn07]

@Amy30

if anyone doesn’t like me

Just so we’re clear, I really like you lol… we don’t talk much but your posts are some of my favorite to read bc I feel like I relate to you the most. I tend to be more introverted but have really tried putting myself more out there on this forum. So yes, keep posting and keep throwing your stuff on here…

[tifflynn07]

Day 38… checking in

It appears to be a theme today but my energy levels are kind of low. My schedule at work doesn’t seem to be too crazy today (knock on wood) so I’m hoping for a chill relaxing day.

I hope everyone has the best day they can today. much love to everyone

[Sabrina80]

@zzz

I guess I need to stick to my people and understand that I will not be a friend to everyone. Not anyone is for everyone and not everything is for everyone.

That’s true This was something I had to learn too. I’m a person who hates conflicts and I want to be friends with everyone. And if someone rejects me I tend to see the flaw in me, not on the other person.
I found my tribe here, not many, but those who are, are in my heart
Good to hear that you’re back on track.
Always stand up again, as often as you need to

[anon74766472]

Congratulations on your bike the only downside is that you have to stay with your employer for this time otherwise it’ll be expensive to get out of the contract.