I totally forgot last weeks, that I DO recover.
A state of mind, that helped me with longer periods of sobriety.
After years of abusive drinking,… I do.
And I need to.
All these nights, not being able not do drink.
All these mornings regretting.
Getting my self together and ready for work anyway at 6 am everyday. If it was 1 or 3 bottles the night before.
Regretting.
Judging.
Functioning! In a job with high pressure and stress. Shaky legs, shaky inside, nobody noticed as I always performed.
During last 2 years I was even a bit drunk during sports, like having 1 glass before. How strange is that! One of the things I am ashamed of.
Having grey clouds these days, I feel all the shit of the last months was a bit too much.
I need to recover.
Yeah we need to recover.
And grow.
If possible, grow in it.
Like these little strong ones (it’s butternut and zucchini, cucumber is coming too)!
Sun’s out. Have to take my road bike to the shop for service, do some grocery shopping, be at home in the afternoon for the plumber come by and unplug my sink (again), still need to do my homework for creative writing course which is tonight. So no time for these depressive feelings I’ve been feeling. Stuff to do. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you can all. Clean and sober. Love.
Pic is from my walk a couple of days ago, the church in Bergen NH that was burned down in 1574 during the Dutch/Spanish 80 years war, partly rebuilt, and the scene of another big battle in 1799 between a Dutch/French army and an English/Russian one. Anyway, it’s a pretty sight I think.
@HillbillyChris It’s always good to see you Chris. Sorry to hear your colleagues are *ssholes. Losing a child must be the hardest thing there is. Take care of you friend. And yes, milestones approaching can be triggering. They make you think. Like 'why am I not further in Recovery, it’s no use, life’s still awful?" Or the opposite: “I’ve come so far, I can handle a drink now” For example. It’s always addiction trying to trick us.
Stunning picture.
It’s okey to not be happy all the time. No matter the reason, I think we tend to forget that sometimes.
The last one “I’ve come so far, I can handle a drink now” is what has gotten me the last times I’ve relapsed. It’s not that I get blackout drunk, it’s the thing that I think “I can handle it” everyday drinking that becomes a problem.
Beautiful photo, and such an interesting background too. I hope the sunshine helps today. I am also struggling, having to work from home as just can’t face it. Have a peaceful day
138 days
Woke up with a splitting headache. Was a bad one. Aside from when I was hungover I have very rarely ever had headaches.
Went away quickly but it definitely stopped me from getting up early and getting to the gym.
Went grocery shopping and got some accessories for the youngest ones bike, that was the deal, once she learnt to ride it she got to accessorize it. So now its sporting a new basket, handlebar streamers and some spokey dokeys.
Then was at the gym for the kids this arvo, home for dinner, few games of uno, now the kids are in bed reading until their mum gets home from work.
Thank you for explaining that and the kind words. I won’t lie it has been difficult in just about every aspect of my life. I’ve had thoughts of drinking numerous times but I’ve been honest with my wife and sponsor and just expressed my feelings, never acted. Too many days to just toss away and I said Magnolia would never see me drink and that still stands! Take care friend!
Wide awake at 2 am. Fair enough. I’m making progress- not getting upset. And just getting up. If I lie there, my brain starts telling stories about how terrible it is not to sleep, and how my life is otherwise terrible on top of insomnia— lies and lies!! I hate liars, so I get up and make coffee. Then I read recovery lit or listen to a podcast. Anything to keep me grounded in reality. It’s rough and takes a toll on me. Your brain wants to figure it out but it’s too tired, and makes up stories instead. And not like good stories where insomnia works its magic and you get triple overtime pay for being awake.
Lots of love and thanks. Someday this will get easier, but I am discouraged. I’ll get showered and go get some good food in this house.
I used to live at number 112 as a child. It holds a sense of fear and inadequacy for me. I prefer 2, 8 and 6 as numbers. I live at 26 now. 2+6 are also 8. I’ve just had therapy so am a bit in my head and thinky. I am about to go for a long walk in this spring sunshine before the rain returns, and to process everything and nothing. Nothing much that happened before can serve the future really if I am to grow.
I really don’t have much coherence today so I’ll bid thee adieu and take leave.
Day 155, had a good day off. Happy to be at work today, looking forward to a weekend with my girls. But all is well, much love everyone i hope you all have good days. Oh yeah i went and visited at the half way house yesterday there was only one guy there i new. But my old counselors all came running out and were so happy to see me and see how i was doing, it was very nice.
Been a sobbing, angry mess today.
Had a massive argument with dipshit about lying to me and I’m so overwhelmed.
Apparently I “got the wrong vibe” from him, and even though he has a girlfriend, he thought he could still come on holiday with me “as a friend.”
Umm… what?? Wrong vibe? When we slept together? When he was flirting with me? When he was in my messages talking about how amazing I looked in a dress the day after they officially got together!! WTF???
He even said yesterday, before it all really kicked off, that he doesn’t regret sleeping with me and wishes I had stayed the night!!!
Am I going mad, everyone???
I was so fucking angry and said that he’d have to be delusional if he thought his girlfriend was going to let him go away with a women he’s a) slept with and b) potentially gotten pregnant!!!
Apparently he thought he could “talk it out with her” - lmao. This poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I was half tempted to message her and tell her what had happened, but all the messages were over Snapchat and I’m certain he’ll try and spin a web of lies about me.
Apparently I’ve got it all wrong and I didn’t listen to a word he said and he didn’t lie and it’s all my fault… bla bla. I feel utterly stupid, gaslighted and miserable.
I’ve told him to pay me back for the holiday and that he will not be coming with me. He, of course, had a tantrum over that and pulled the whole “well I wasn’t planning on going anyway” bullshit, and has now said that he’ll repay me over 2 months. So he’s stuck in my life until then.
I’ve taken him off all my social media and will be deleting his number after I’ve been paid back.
Sorry for the rant, I just really needed to get this off my chest. Going to go and cry some more now, lol.
I’m still sick today and have been having the most vivid fever dreams. Now I’m feeling anxious and a bit overwhelmed. So that’s been my day…going to bed now and hope to just sleep without the crazy dreams. On an up note I’ve made it 2 weeks so yay!
I see lots of positives here Indi. Main thing is you’ve come here to vent, which is a healthy way of dealing with shit. You’re taking the right action to keep yourself safe, you’ve set up healthy boundaries, you’re keeping him accountable for his actions, you’re not trying to forget about it by burying yourself in drink and/or drugs or dangerous behaviours. Excellent work lady!
What happened happened and now it’s time to move forward, which you are. Proud of you. And yes it hurts, life’s a mess quite often. We deal with the mess, we cry, we scream, and we move on. Keep going. You’re doing great.
TS
