I know it Menno, but I feel like a loaded spring with no outlet. I’m angry and sad and furious and hurt and tired of caring. I feel defeated and unable to strike a step forward from crumpled.
I probably should go to one of those axe throwing places, though it might be unsafe for those around me.
7y8m3d
I’ve been doing some college research this morning. It takes so much time! I am looking for good public schools in the western states with high acceptance rates. My son’s a junior in high school now. Next Thursday I have a free hour consultation with a college planner so I’m hoping that will give me some direction. He has only fair grades and drags his feet about writing essays, so that complicates things. And I don’t have $$$ to spend. We might do community college for 2 years to get the general classes out of the way and save some money. Lots to try to figure out.
I also need to do some paperwork to get new insurance today. I’m still dealing with that from when I sold my old Lexus and my rates went way up. I just read an article about how auto insurance rates are going way up in CA. Crazy that part of that is due to wild fires and people losing their cars that way.
This evening we are having dinner with my parents at a casual seafood restaurant with outdoor seating. It’s perfect in San Diego to sit by the water and fishing boats. I love going there so I’m looking forward to it.
I had a good therapy session with EMDR yesterday. We worked on my fear of being excluded and alone if I’m not good at something. Hope everyone has a good day/evening today.
Thanks Aga. My head says to throw axes and my heart would probably take the hug.
Tears are impossible, I’ve tried that and I’m incapable almost 100% of the time. I’m certain it would help, but I’m just not able to cry.
So I‘m packing a care package for you here. What do we put inside 
A nice and cuddly stuffed animal. You already have cats but my daughter swears on her stuffed animals. There is a freaky lama here, but I also have a chameleon, an avocado or an octopus available. Pick your choice. That’s for the comfort part.
As to heavy throwable objects in times of rage. This is going to prove more difficult. I‘m more of a weapon free martial arts person myself (karate), but my brother used to practice escrima - a filipino martial arts with all kinds of implements like sticks, knives, blades and improvised weapons. So I‘m putting all those tools inside the package. Use at your own discretion.
Now the thing is a bit heavy and clunky, and there is the thing with you living on an island. So I‘m putting it all together on a paper boat and off it sails 
Get a punch bag!! I have one, and it’s so cool! Unfortunately due to my shoulder injury I can’t use it that often, but it’s a great stress reliever! 
Small village Sweden here.
You can’t go to the local store without meeting someone you know,and you have to stop and chat.
Everyone knows everyone, even the mayor is a nice guy and trying to make as much as he can for his village (he was raised here)
Bad side with that is that everyone stays with their little group of people, and if someone new moves here it takes time for them to get into any group of people,if ever.
If something happens you’ll the village will Back you up most of the times and we’ll go together to help.
We’ve been voted as the most boring village in the entire country 
I’m taking the octopus thanks Aga.
Very sweet and kind thought. I wish I could go to the beach tomorrow to await it’s arrival…
I wish I had gone to my body combat class this morning, but I was absolutely shattered after 8 hours sleep in 72 hours and I vomited this morning with tiredness and stomach pains (IBS sufferer).
I just couldn’t get out of bed though I wanted to desperately. I know that physical exertion would have knocked the shit out of my head. Often I’m like a bear with a sore head without the outlet. Mostly I like to completely exhaust myself until I’m sore and can’t move, other times I can make do with a nice short walk in nature and listening to the birds (on calmer days).
I’m a bit more calm thank you. I think I’ll just wipe today off the chart.
Love 
Ah. Living in a London flat I’m not sure I could get one, but it sounds just the ticket 
Checking in day 229 AF 
Thanks Jazzy! Steaks are going on the grill as O speak.
Appreciate the well wishes everyone
I love it Sophia! I sure like to stop and chat. I grew up in a true neighborhood in the northeast US- we were quite familiar, like an extended family. We let each other’s pets in the house. The golden retrievers especially liked to go visiting. It was like a true community. The gossip got out of control at times, though.
I love your stories about your boring village! Lovely 
Thank you for sharing them with us.
We love you TragicF! @Tragicfarinelli . You have come an incredibly long way and are an inspiration to me, every day. 
. And everyone! Maybe eat all the ice cream and watch all the crime shows. Cuddle a panther. Sleep. Sweet dreams and rest well.
@acromouse I tried online meetings. I didn’t find already a one of sexholics anonymous or porn addiction. I must keep looking for them. Sometimes I just show up in AA meetings online just for not being alone
really could use some positive messages right now. i feel incredibly alone. im always the one there for everyone else but I feel like I’m never thought of
Good morning from sober fam 
I slept in a little longer than I intended, but that’s ok as I do feel well rested for it. Looking forward to the day.
The journey is the destination 
I promise myself that I will give my best to be my best today… 
Have as good a day as you can friend! 
@acromouse Scholarships are any amount of money to help pay for education, either from the school itself or an organization specifically raising money you can apply for. I think I got one for $500 when I went, lol. But this kid was scouted for hockey when he was 16 and Yale wanted him so they gave him a full ride. Everything paid (with stipulations like keeping his grades up, etc). Years ago, this other kid (raised poor by a single mom/addict) got a full scholarship to Harvard bc of his grades. I was so happy for him 
he really deserved it.
@MrsOdh Ugh 
Men who abandon their kids are another level of scumbag. Just scared little boys hiding behind their ego. Better off without him.
@Refreshedperspective Happy Birthday 
You’re starting the year off right! 
549
Got, maybe 4 hours of sleep 
but it wasn’t my mind keeping me up this time. As soon as I layed down, my nose clogged completely(and I was out of allergy meds). I can’t fall asleep breathing thru my mouth. A few days ago I woke up and my eyes were so itchy I checked the pollen counts and…ragweed strikes again 
Yesterday’s count was pretty high and the AQI was ‘moderate’, which is where my lungs start becoming affected. It was a long day at work today, but I made it. Did some shopping(bought allergy meds) and relaxed after that. Tomorrow we’re having lunch at my parents for my dad’s birthday, which was today. Going to bed early tonight for sure 
Hope you all have a good one 
Just checking in. Been a busy few days!
Fair is in town so took the kids. What a blast. I find myself teenager-watching, as they are just so darn fascinating and I know its only a few short years before our daughter will be there too! Sometimes I think she is one already.
My nephew has moved. Its been quiet emotional, I believe I may have checked in about this the othef day…I spent that day cleaning my husbands shop, as cleaning it what I find myself doing when Im emotional. A difficult meeting that day where we met a new CAS person who once again is seeking to undermine the supports we have in place. Rinse, repeat. My mom had some very strongbwords for her, and I was proud of my mom. She sure is more succinct then i am 
Court the next day, and I asked my mom if I could sit that meetinf out. We have probably been in family court at this point about 2 dozen times and it is generally difficult for us, and yet does not involve us. Hubby and I took some time to go to the beach and grab lunch. He will be starting his new job soon and my old job reached out to me and would like meback, so I am just negotiating my return…another piece of good news.
My mom went to court and the judge asked CPS for something unprecedented and that is that our family retains a joint custody with CPS. CPS resisted this and the judge put them in their place, so we will be back in court on the 9th of October and I am hoping we get the joint custody order. It sounds as though the judge is going to bring a court order against them if they do not grant it. Fingers crossed, as I thought this was something we would have to fight alone. I am going to write to the ombudsmans office and hopefully this will give a push also.
Feeling hopeful 
Feeling the balance of life returning and just so grateful to be sober today. Man its so worth it. Hang in there everyone xoxox.
Day 677
Still not feeling great, but better than I was.
I went to the hospital Thursday night and got a note excusing me from work until Wednesday. So hopefully I’ll rest enough before then.
Tuesday is my son’s birthday and I really want to be able to do something with him for his special day. 
My niece had her baby 2 months early and the baby is in the NICU. But my niece was doing well enough today to get discharged so she’s at home resting and healing up now.
I hope y’all are doing ok. 
