Thank you!!
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Thankyou !!!
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Thanks so much!
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Nice to see you back, Sheena!! 
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Thank you very much! It feels great to be back!
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1899
One day off. Glad I shared about what happened the day before with friends and even colleagues. I wouldnāt have been able in the past. In a nutshell what happened is that I lost my keys on my way home from work which is a problem as I live alone, I do have some spares at friendsā places but theyāre on holidays. And it totally triggers some unhealthy coping mechanisms in me, like secrecy and dishonesty and isolation and more. But after searching around Utrecht somehow the keys did turn up at the least expected point, and yesterday I was able to share and write about it and that mede me feel a whole lot better about the whole affair. As well as still having my keys.
Today Iāll use for some other healthy coping mechanisms. Itās very nice weather. Iāll go for a bike ride. And go to a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. Eat healthy. And be in bed in time, so hopefully Iāll be fit and ready for my experience work days tomorrow. Thanks so much for being here all. Weāre in this together. Have as good a day as you all can. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come of it. I will. Love.
Pic is from my commute through Utrecht
@Sissychris39 Welcome back!
@Cynthia1 Glad to have you aboard Cynthia! Hang with us, we need each other 
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Thanks so much, and thank you for sharing!
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@Just_Laura bizarre isnāt it. Iām not sure they make me feel better either.
My last proper tears, Iām talking uncontrollable, were December 2022. My mother was having a drunken episode and her narcissist was fully armed and ready to fight. It was desperate and frightened and resigned tears as thatās the closest Iāve gotten to accepting a world where I truly didnāt want to be here any more. I was done. Then my sister and partner found me and were really shocked and worried at the state I was in. This embarrassed me deeply.
Before that, the previous proper breakdown of tears was 2019. My mother decimated me a few days after my 40th birthday party because I wouldnāt let her join my after-party (even though the actual party had involved her the entire day). Iām talking messages, cruel texts, voicemails, bullying wordsā¦(I have kept all the voice notes where she says she never ever liked me anyway and that she HATED me). That was probably the last straw, before I realised estrangement was the only option in 2022.
So I am frightened of crying. I have actual trauma around crying and having people look at me in horror because Iām uncontrollable and sad and showing emotion. I know it was their fear for my safety, but still, I canāt go thereā¦ Maybe gentle tears would help around something more neutral, but the big tears are a no for me unless I literally have lost control of myself again, and thatās a really scary place.
Sorry for my Ted talk 
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*Day 2161 
Iām good but have to get used to the fact my weight is getting bigger and it confuses me a bit.
I am a skinny woman and my weight is stable since a year ore so because I want too.
But now with the powerliftingā¦I get muscles! And muscles are having more weight.
Iām proud too because I lost 5 cm/ 1,96 inch around my waist!
But seeing my scale numbers increase is a bit disturbing. I know it has to be muscles but I cannot know that for sure. So I let go and let it be. I have to believe the mirrow and my measuring tape 
Picture fom Perzische slaapboom (Persian sleeping tree) wich I saw in the garden of a museum I visited a few days ago. It smelled gorgeous!
Today? Work.
Have a good day ore night all!
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Congratulations on no longer harming yourself! Itās been 12 1/2 years for me. I binge eat a lot and am restarting yet again for the millionth time, so I think I understand a bit of your ED. We can do this!
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Donāt show vulnerability! No weakness! Iām strong! Nothing can touch me! Fuck the world! Iāll do it all myself! I need nobody!
I believe you. I needed so to work on that mindset myself. And I have and I am. Will be working on it for the rest of my life. In the end that way of thinking and feeling is death. Sorry for your mum. And to be honest, the real uncontrollable sobbing is scary for me too. Hasnāt happened much. Iām more the tears falling silently type. Big big hugs friend XXX
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261 days
Busy day at work. In a stressful role this week at work, driving and negotiating heavy traffic.
The stress Iāve been feeling towards my upcoming training has dissipated a bit now that Iām back at work, feel some confidence. I do put in extra work on this skill set, and in terms of joining this course I need to remember that some of these guys have been involved with this training for longer than Iāve been doing the job.
In between being busy I managed to work away on my own today doing some inventory and equipment checks. Can be quite calming and satisfying.
Dayshift again tomorrow. Another cold early start.
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Congrats on your body change. You are adding better health to your years coming with stronger bones, more strength and ability. Super happy for you. Love the pic.
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Thank you very much 
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Yeah I know Menno. I think I got around to thinking that the only thing Iām useful for is being resourceful and self sufficient (you have to be when you donāt get fed for days, and your father has left you alone for nights on end so he can have sex with every woman in the local area) and so itās really hard for me to show any weakness or that anything bothers me. Iām working on vulnerability and trying to put myself out there, but honestly itās a minefield. To anyone normal, my sister not visiting should be just accepted and nothing major, but to me it was a knife in the gut.
Hugs back 
well, tiny robot (not emotional) hugs 
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@K_S great work on your sobriety. Keep that focus friend. Glad you are able to spend time with the kids. ODAAT!
@SussexGuy congratulations on your sober timeā¦keep up with the solid effortsā¦ about to hit triple digits 
.
@Bomdhil nice to see your numbers rising. Glad that the new routine of writing at night is helping. We got to find the things that work and hold on for dear life. My headache is a bit dull today so much more manageable 
@EarnIt I am hoping that all works out for your housing situation . Grateful you are staying sober through the stress. Opossums? Omgā¦hope they are well taken care of by the rescue team
@Sissychris39 so good to see you friend. It is a huge deal! Way to go with your timers. We all need a connection with community to help us in our recovery. Glad you are here with us
Damn addict mind at it again. You do deserve it and much more. You are worthy! Glad you had a good time and felt loved
@Butterflymoonwoman glad you are feeling better and practiced some self care. Love how gratitude saved us from ourselves. You are doing great my friendā¦ Keep up the solid efforts
@DanaM56 I do hope he was telling the truth and Iām sure he himself is overwhelmed. Glad you are taking more time for yourself and so very grateful the ex didnāt pick up. Delete the numberā¦mif itās a number youāve memorized them start saying random numbers while trying to think of it and soon you wonāt remember it. Big hugs as you start enjoying your time
@wahtisnormal 127 days is amazing work Zoe ā¦no need to give into that urgeā¦it will wash over you. Keep up that momentum
@SadMemeQueen sending strength and love your way. 
@Cynthia1 great work on 57 days and great to have you with us. I am so sorry for your loss and can see how triggering some dates can be. Stay connected my friendā¦in community and with support you will get through this sober
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@Tyland great to see you back with us friend. So sorry for your loss. You are right - drinking will not change anything and will only cause harm. Stay the course and keep stacking up the days
@mno oh that has to be a very stressful day. So grateful that you found your keys and were able to share these thoughts/ emotions so you did not sit with em. Hereās to healthy coping mechanisms
@Tragicfarinelli just sending massive hugs your way!!
Yes! Muscles weigh so much more. The number is deceiving. Keep working the way you areā¦you are losing inches, getting toner / leaner and gaining health. Just realized my weight machine has an appointment that I can check other factors rather than just the weight. This really helps me not freak out when I see the number rusing. I got mine from Amazon. Maybe something you might want to get as well? What a beautiful picture 
,)
Checking in on Monday morning
Waking up early and feeling fresh at the moment. Not much plannedā¦a day of self care ahead.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free dayā¦ sending you all so much love
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235 days.
Iām going into London today with my OH as she needs glasses 
. We will walk back through the Royal Parks (Green, Hyde, and Kensington) then maybe do some mooching about in Kensington High Street before heading home.
I have this problem with the bathroom in that the soil pipe for all the bathrooms in the flats above has a leak and so I have black mould and faeces staining my en suite ceiling and itās gone in the lights and extractor fan and blown some of the tiling. Iām fighting with the housing people to get it fixed on the building insurance (in my service charge) and itās been going on for months now. The fix is likely to happen in September which is still some time away, but Iām just trying to remain cool about it as honestly itās disgusting.
My partner is pushing me about reporting it fully, and the extent of the damage on the bathroom. Iām either going to snap at her and have a full blown ding dong today, or remain in peace. Iām trying for peace, but honestly Iām pretty irritated and it feels like Iām not doing enough about it. Literally, I am on it constantly, I just donāt talk about it. Iām also expected to deal with all my neighbours and to have hard conversations with them about responsibility and liability, which Iāve done already and it was really out my comfort zone. Iām a bit tense still from the weekendi guess, but today just seems like it might be annoying. Iāll enjoy the sunshine and walk no matter what.
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robot ones
Meaningful in any case. Have a good day. Sounds like youāre doing everything you can re the bathroom.
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Thanks Alisa.
I just want to feel enough or for someone to say Iām enough and have done a good job. But then conversely, this keeps you in a toxic reward cycle that may not actually be truthful or healthy. Like at the moment Iām feeling needy. Itās doing my head in.
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