Day 917
Feeling 100% better right now. Self care is exactly what i needed. Nothing beats a hot shower, wonderfully scented body lotion, face moisturizer, and lip balm. I always feel like a new human being, even after the toughest days.
Today was a little rough. Earlier i posted (and then deleted bcuz i thought it sounded whiny) about how i was struggling with comparing myself with others. I dont normally think this but jealousy was rearing its ugly head and thise thoughts did rent space in my head. I managed to pull out of it using distraction and a gratitude list.
I finished work, ran and errand on the way home, and then came home to my loving family.
Ive been practicing my speech for the pediatric cancer fundraiser in Sept and im really actually pleased with what i wrote. Not bad for someone who hasnt been in school for a looooong time lol im excited to do something good and be of service.
I really hope everyone is doing well. Congratulations to those celebrating milestones also! Going to do a bit of reading on here now and get my son ready for bed. Much love
Day 428 AF
It was a pretty good weekend. I had been talking to a new guy, we met yesterday for lunch after a week of pretty consistent communication throughout the week. His father unfortunately is dying so it was a bit if a downer. I felt bad for him. He supposedly flew home today and advised me that he had no idea when heāll be back. Iām not sure if heās telling me the truth or if that was his way of telling me he didnāt want to see me again. Dating shouldnāt be so hard. Thank a whole thing triggered me and I reached out to the toxic ex. He did not respond thank god.
I shouldnāt be dating. I need to focus on building my life as a single sober woman. Today was much better. Attending a Womenās meeting that Iām enjoying and met a new friend for lunch.
Going to reset my attitude. @Butterflymoonwoman im going to go journal in my gratitude journal and stop feeling sorry for myself. Your post was helpful.
I hope everyone enjoyed their sober Sunday. Sleep well.
Im glad my post was helpful i get it thoā¦ i was feeling sorry for my self too. Sometimes it seems easier to just sit in it but its not great for our mental health. There truly is sooo much to be grateful for.
I hope that man was telling u the truth. I guess time will tell. Hes probably going thru alot with his dad and not in the right frame of mind. I am glad that ur toxic ex didnt pick up. That probably would have been disastrous.
Its hard not to want that connection tho. Before i met my husband i needed that connection with a man at all times, to the point that id go to extreme lengths (sex work being one of them) to feed that connection. But men were just another escape for me. Just like drugs and alcohol were. āRelationshipsā were just another distraction that prevented me from having to look at myself. Be single isnt a bad thing at all! Doing that inner work is crucial in order to attract the right kind of people to ourselves
Thanks Jazzy! It turned out to be a very relaxing day. I havenāt done that in awhile. I think you are right about my numbers climbing and contributing to the cravings.
Hi, I am returning after a 7 month relapse. Today I have 57 days sober. My daughter past away November 12,2021. Her birthday is coming up on September 12th. Iām starting to get anxieties. I donāt want to relapse this time around. Last September I got drunk and got in a fight and ended up with a black eye driving home on three wheel and a rim.
@Cynthia1 Welcome back, youāve got this! Would your daughter have been in favor of you not drinking? If so, maybe you use the upcoming anniversary as something to work up to and through?
One day off. Glad I shared about what happened the day before with friends and even colleagues. I wouldnāt have been able in the past. In a nutshell what happened is that I lost my keys on my way home from work which is a problem as I live alone, I do have some spares at friendsā places but theyāre on holidays. And it totally triggers some unhealthy coping mechanisms in me, like secrecy and dishonesty and isolation and more. But after searching around Utrecht somehow the keys did turn up at the least expected point, and yesterday I was able to share and write about it and that mede me feel a whole lot better about the whole affair. As well as still having my keys.
Today Iāll use for some other healthy coping mechanisms. Itās very nice weather. Iāll go for a bike ride. And go to a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. Eat healthy. And be in bed in time, so hopefully Iāll be fit and ready for my experience work days tomorrow. Thanks so much for being here all. Weāre in this together. Have as good a day as you all can. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come of it. I will. Love.
Pic is from my commute through Utrecht
@Sissychris39 Welcome back! @Cynthia1 Glad to have you aboard Cynthia! Hang with us, we need each other
@Just_Laura bizarre isnāt it. Iām not sure they make me feel better either.
My last proper tears, Iām talking uncontrollable, were December 2022. My mother was having a drunken episode and her narcissist was fully armed and ready to fight. It was desperate and frightened and resigned tears as thatās the closest Iāve gotten to accepting a world where I truly didnāt want to be here any more. I was done. Then my sister and partner found me and were really shocked and worried at the state I was in. This embarrassed me deeply.
Before that, the previous proper breakdown of tears was 2019. My mother decimated me a few days after my 40th birthday party because I wouldnāt let her join my after-party (even though the actual party had involved her the entire day). Iām talking messages, cruel texts, voicemails, bullying wordsā¦(I have kept all the voice notes where she says she never ever liked me anyway and that she HATED me). That was probably the last straw, before I realised estrangement was the only option in 2022.
So I am frightened of crying. I have actual trauma around crying and having people look at me in horror because Iām uncontrollable and sad and showing emotion. I know it was their fear for my safety, but still, I canāt go thereā¦ Maybe gentle tears would help around something more neutral, but the big tears are a no for me unless I literally have lost control of myself again, and thatās a really scary place.
*Day 2161
Iām good but have to get used to the fact my weight is getting bigger and it confuses me a bit.
I am a skinny woman and my weight is stable since a year ore so because I want too.
But now with the powerliftingā¦I get muscles! And muscles are having more weight.
Iām proud too because I lost 5 cm/ 1,96 inch around my waist!
But seeing my scale numbers increase is a bit disturbing. I know it has to be muscles but I cannot know that for sure. So I let go and let it be. I have to believe the mirrow and my measuring tape
Picture fom Perzische slaapboom (Persian sleeping tree) wich I saw in the garden of a museum I visited a few days ago. It smelled gorgeous!
Today? Work.
Have a good day ore night all!
i get it thoā¦ i was feeling sorry for my self too. Sometimes it seems easier to just sit in it but its not great for our mental health. There truly is sooo much to be grateful for.
