@Just_Laura bizarre isn’t it. I’m not sure they make me feel better either.
My last proper tears, I’m talking uncontrollable, were December 2022. My mother was having a drunken episode and her narcissist was fully armed and ready to fight. It was desperate and frightened and resigned tears as that’s the closest I’ve gotten to accepting a world where I truly didn’t want to be here any more. I was done. Then my sister and partner found me and were really shocked and worried at the state I was in. This embarrassed me deeply.
Before that, the previous proper breakdown of tears was 2019. My mother decimated me a few days after my 40th birthday party because I wouldn’t let her join my after-party (even though the actual party had involved her the entire day). I’m talking messages, cruel texts, voicemails, bullying words…(I have kept all the voice notes where she says she never ever liked me anyway and that she HATED me). That was probably the last straw, before I realised estrangement was the only option in 2022.
So I am frightened of crying. I have actual trauma around crying and having people look at me in horror because I’m uncontrollable and sad and showing emotion. I know it was their fear for my safety, but still, I can’t go there… Maybe gentle tears would help around something more neutral, but the big tears are a no for me unless I literally have lost control of myself again, and that’s a really scary place.
*Day 2161
I’m good but have to get used to the fact my weight is getting bigger and it confuses me a bit.
I am a skinny woman and my weight is stable since a year ore so because I want too.
But now with the powerlifting…I get muscles! And muscles are having more weight.
I’m proud too because I lost 5 cm/ 1,96 inch around my waist!
But seeing my scale numbers increase is a bit disturbing. I know it has to be muscles but I cannot know that for sure. So I let go and let it be. I have to believe the mirrow and my measuring tape
Picture fom Perzische slaapboom (Persian sleeping tree) wich I saw in the garden of a museum I visited a few days ago. It smelled gorgeous!
Today? Work.
Have a good day ore night all!
Congratulations on no longer harming yourself! It’s been 12 1/2 years for me. I binge eat a lot and am restarting yet again for the millionth time, so I think I understand a bit of your ED. We can do this!
Don’t show vulnerability! No weakness! I’m strong! Nothing can touch me! Fuck the world! I’ll do it all myself! I need nobody!
I believe you. I needed so to work on that mindset myself. And I have and I am. Will be working on it for the rest of my life. In the end that way of thinking and feeling is death. Sorry for your mum. And to be honest, the real uncontrollable sobbing is scary for me too. Hasn’t happened much. I’m more the tears falling silently type. Big big hugs friend XXX
261 days
Busy day at work. In a stressful role this week at work, driving and negotiating heavy traffic.
The stress I’ve been feeling towards my upcoming training has dissipated a bit now that I’m back at work, feel some confidence. I do put in extra work on this skill set, and in terms of joining this course I need to remember that some of these guys have been involved with this training for longer than I’ve been doing the job.
In between being busy I managed to work away on my own today doing some inventory and equipment checks. Can be quite calming and satisfying.
Dayshift again tomorrow. Another cold early start.
Congrats on your body change. You are adding better health to your years coming with stronger bones, more strength and ability. Super happy for you. Love the pic.
Yeah I know Menno. I think I got around to thinking that the only thing I’m useful for is being resourceful and self sufficient (you have to be when you don’t get fed for days, and your father has left you alone for nights on end so he can have sex with every woman in the local area) and so it’s really hard for me to show any weakness or that anything bothers me. I’m working on vulnerability and trying to put myself out there, but honestly it’s a minefield. To anyone normal, my sister not visiting should be just accepted and nothing major, but to me it was a knife in the gut.
@K_S great work on your sobriety. Keep that focus friend. Glad you are able to spend time with the kids. ODAAT! @SussexGuy congratulations on your sober time…keep up with the solid efforts… about to hit triple digits . @Bomdhil nice to see your numbers rising. Glad that the new routine of writing at night is helping. We got to find the things that work and hold on for dear life. My headache is a bit dull today so much more manageable @EarnIt I am hoping that all works out for your housing situation . Grateful you are staying sober through the stress. Opossums? Omg…hope they are well taken care of by the rescue team @Sissychris39 so good to see you friend. It is a huge deal! Way to go with your timers. We all need a connection with community to help us in our recovery. Glad you are here with us
Damn addict mind at it again. You do deserve it and much more. You are worthy! Glad you had a good time and felt loved @Butterflymoonwoman glad you are feeling better and practiced some self care. Love how gratitude saved us from ourselves. You are doing great my friend… Keep up the solid efforts @DanaM56 I do hope he was telling the truth and I’m sure he himself is overwhelmed. Glad you are taking more time for yourself and so very grateful the ex didn’t pick up. Delete the number…mif it’s a number you’ve memorized them start saying random numbers while trying to think of it and soon you won’t remember it. Big hugs as you start enjoying your time @wahtisnormal 127 days is amazing work Zoe …no need to give into that urge…it will wash over you. Keep up that momentum @SadMemeQueen sending strength and love your way. @Cynthia1 great work on 57 days and great to have you with us. I am so sorry for your loss and can see how triggering some dates can be. Stay connected my friend…in community and with support you will get through this sober
@Tyland great to see you back with us friend. So sorry for your loss. You are right - drinking will not change anything and will only cause harm. Stay the course and keep stacking up the days @mno oh that has to be a very stressful day. So grateful that you found your keys and were able to share these thoughts/ emotions so you did not sit with em. Here’s to healthy coping mechanisms @Tragicfarinelli just sending massive hugs your way!!
Yes! Muscles weigh so much more. The number is deceiving. Keep working the way you are…you are losing inches, getting toner / leaner and gaining health. Just realized my weight machine has an appointment that I can check other factors rather than just the weight. This really helps me not freak out when I see the number rusing. I got mine from Amazon. Maybe something you might want to get as well? What a beautiful picture ,)
Checking in on Monday morning
Waking up early and feeling fresh at the moment. Not much planned…a day of self care ahead.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day… sending you all so much love
I’m going into London today with my OH as she needs glasses . We will walk back through the Royal Parks (Green, Hyde, and Kensington) then maybe do some mooching about in Kensington High Street before heading home.
I have this problem with the bathroom in that the soil pipe for all the bathrooms in the flats above has a leak and so I have black mould and faeces staining my en suite ceiling and it’s gone in the lights and extractor fan and blown some of the tiling. I’m fighting with the housing people to get it fixed on the building insurance (in my service charge) and it’s been going on for months now. The fix is likely to happen in September which is still some time away, but I’m just trying to remain cool about it as honestly it’s disgusting.
My partner is pushing me about reporting it fully, and the extent of the damage on the bathroom. I’m either going to snap at her and have a full blown ding dong today, or remain in peace. I’m trying for peace, but honestly I’m pretty irritated and it feels like I’m not doing enough about it. Literally, I am on it constantly, I just don’t talk about it. I’m also expected to deal with all my neighbours and to have hard conversations with them about responsibility and liability, which I’ve done already and it was really out my comfort zone. I’m a bit tense still from the weekendi guess, but today just seems like it might be annoying. I’ll enjoy the sunshine and walk no matter what.
I just want to feel enough or for someone to say I’m enough and have done a good job. But then conversely, this keeps you in a toxic reward cycle that may not actually be truthful or healthy. Like at the moment I’m feeling needy. It’s doing my head in.
@Mno I know that street and the mosque! I used to take it to the city centre when I was visiting Utrecht last month. And thanks for reminding me that the “I don’t need nobody”-mindset is death. Enjoy your ride and the meeting. @MrFantastik I often have this expectation of myself when I go into a new setting or situation that I have to be on top of everything and act like a pro from the get go. That has often gotten me into a lot of discomfort and stress. So I really appreciate you mentioning how other people may have been involved in a thing for far longer than me, to relax a bit, accept the nervousnes of being new and maybe just ask for help. Cause I would not expect anyone else to be a pro from the get go. Thanks! @SoberWalker I remember when I started crossfit and lifting weights how my body shape changed significantly. I don’t weight myself, but the mirror and how my clothes did fit or didn’t was pretty clear to me. The same has been happening for a while after I started running and yoga. I too get sometimes these thoughts that my body “is not as it should be”. Especially if you are treated as female from early on we are so extremely conditioned to judge our bodies, the bodies of others and be judged. I get the discomfort. I also am grateful for you sharing this and reminding us that this is how all are conditioned and feel quite often. @Tragicfarinelli Thank you for sharing about the fear of crying. I grew up in a place where crying was met with compassion. But I also have encountered people who react with rejection, cruelty or fear. I personally think that tears always warrant a compassionate response. First to ourselves, then to the person crying. And I believe that every healing starts with self-compassion. Tears may or may not come. @Tyland I am sorry you have so much emotional pain to go through. I hope you will wake up with more hope for the day to come. @Cynthia1 Welome back! I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s passing. Cannot imagine the pain. I also would like to echo @Dirk’s thoughts: How can you honor your daughter in a good way on the upcoming date? @SadMemeQueen Glad to hear your sh urges have lessened a bit. There is a Binge eating recovery daily check in thread (Part 2). You could join us there to share about your path. @wahtisnormal You are doing great. Keep at it @DanaM56 Sometimes I feel like recovery is a bit like peeling an onion. Layers after layers and they keep stinging
Yesterday was already better and I did not experience any strong compulsion. And I decided to rename my counter from overeating to compulsive eating. I feel like this reflects my recovery goals better: not acting on urges compelling me to eat when I am not hungry.
Today I want to focus on the game, and later send my daughter off to her grandparents. My ex and I are having a first appointment this afternoon at couples counseling. I’m very curious how this will work out. I’d really like to get some support with our communications. Recovery Dharma in the evening to wind down.
For today let’s try to keep our hearts and minds open friends: in peace, kindness and freedom
Checkin in!
I’ve just come back from my morning walk. The day is a bit strange, cloudy… hopefully it will get better later on, I would love some pool time on my day off!
I can feel my anxiety levels currently rising! A friend of mine who now lives on the mainland has texted me that she’s coming over for a few days, and wants to meet. Se here’s me thinking and screaming inside: “noooo, how can I escape the situation!” I am just not into hanging out with people, specially with people that I used to get shit faced with. I don’t know which excuse to make, without hurting anybody’s feelings or looking like an arrogant bitch
For now I’ll take a shower, and start on my weekly batch cooking, while I listen to an audiobook. Maybe I’ll find some inspiration while I do that!
We all need this from time to time and I don’t see that as being needy.
I’m sorry your mind is weighing so heavy on you. I want you to know that you are enough! Im seeing the work you are putting in and you are doing amazing work! You are doing a great job on your self healing and recovery!
Ugh…this is hard. I did not want to hang with anyone during my beginning days of sobriety m. I was selfish and my time was all about me. I realized that my friends did feel shunned at first but eventually understand and respected my decision to take care of me.
Hope you are able to find a way to decline the meet up. Maybe say you are not available with prior engagements . Good luck with whatever you decide.
Day 422. Back to work. Stressful day yesterday. Felt like a beer but I didn’t.
All good. Feeling has passed… Have a fab day folks
Good to be back at work
We went for a family meal on Friday and then everything went a bit weird between my wife and one of her sons. Anyway I felt like a beer, but had a water and kept having water till how I felt passed
well, tiny robot (not emotional) hugs 
.
,)
. We will walk back through the Royal Parks (Green, Hyde, and Kensington) then maybe do some mooching about in Kensington High Street before heading home.
robot ones
A friend of mine who now lives on the mainland has texted me that she’s coming over for a few days, and wants to meet. Se here’s me thinking and screaming inside: “noooo, how can I escape the situation!” I am just not into hanging out with people, specially with people that I used to get shit faced with. I don’t know which excuse to make, without hurting anybody’s feelings or looking like an arrogant bitch 
. Good luck with whatever you decide.