Checking in day 52. Today I’m feeling a lot better. But I’m today quite angry because of stupid people and the fucked up shitstem (system). People are so ignorant by normalizing their drinking and substance using. Like what the hell is wrong with majority of humans? If I’d have a chance, I would move to the mountains away from the civilization. But instead of that, I’m gonna go for a walk to get rid of my unhealthy hate. Yeeeah!
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Glad they could take care of it and that he can go on the trip! Hope it’s a fun time
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Afternoon check-in 
Yesterday I felt all optimistic, and today I woke up all moody and depressed… Don’t really know why. I didn’t go for a walk, and now I’m beating myself up about it. I think that If I’d gone, I would be in a better mood.
I also had a silly argument with a stranger while driving, to be honest I wasn’t mad at the other driver. I was pissed the moment I got out of bed today! I’ve just finished listening to an audiobook, and that helped me feel a bit distracted, but in general I have this big dark cloud over my head today! Anyway… better days will come! 
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Checking in on day 70
My day to day life has been good everything seems to be working out at home. Work has been a bit of a struggle lately with getting parts but it will get better. I found out that I have covid I’ve been showing symptoms for 6 days so I think I’m about over it 
Have a great Thursday everyone!
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147 days sober
There is a way of greeting people here by giving a kiss on the cheek then asking 'how is your health? Followed by ‘how is your family?’. I always find the 2nd question in the greeting difficult. After so long here most people know me well and know about my family situation…well lack of family situation and these days no one asks me this anymore unless I’m greeted by a stranger or someone who doesn’t know me well.
Today while at the bazaar a lady greeted me and asked me ‘how is your family?’ And it was like a shock went through me and I lost all control of my emotions. I couldn’t really say anything and wanted to cry. I never know how to answer inquiries about family when I’m asked. I usually say they are dead and I have no family. And sometimes people ask if it was an accident or what happened. I always want to be honest but I don’t like to say ‘my dad killed my mom and then himself so I ended up in foster care’. I just never know how to respond. I’m usually worried about it when I meet new people.
Today I felt grief when this lady asked about them. I suppose going through healing and therapy has brought things up. How do I grieve so many years later? And how can I deal with feelings of guilt and shame that I grieve/loved/miss my father after what he did- what he took from me and what he did to me. Or for my mom who was abusive but perhaps did the best she could in her situation.
I’ve been thinking about these things a lot today but I never thought about drinking.
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Day 181
Slept very well last night 
. I just feel better all around. It’s not super hot. Fall is coming! I bought some disgusting pumpkin bars. Yeahh!
I am going to work on a business plan today. Do a little research. Work on an ad. Profile.
I am also willing to walk cats. Maybe deliver groceries. The grocery store charges a lot for delivery. Wouldn’t you rather have your neighbor shop for you? (They’ll come over to show me the slightly bruised pear 
) Gonna play that trustworthy neighbor card…haha. I’ve always found work when I needed to, so this will work out when I’m ready. I just want something part time to start. And figure the rest out later. Just hard to decide so I’ll just walk cats. Could you imagine that job? I need extra insurance 
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I’m so sorry that you have to handle that.
You can say that they where victims of a horrific crime that you don’t want to talk about and leave it by that.
Believe me Therapy and grief works years later. It’s just as difficult of course but it will help. There’s a saying within social workers here (Oddly enough I do have a PhD in social work) that goes: Parents to a child is always parents.
Which means that no matter what happen you still have difficult feelings when it comes to parents.
Most often you still love/want to love them even if they aren’t here, or have done something that makes it feel Impossible. We shouldn’t feel guilty for that.
It’s okey because all feelings are valid. Just as the feeling of missing/grieving something we never had or never got.
I hope you can find the therapist you need, even if I know it can be difficult for you.
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I was interested in the business model from start. It sounds so nice.
And know I’m even more curious, how do you walk cats?
All cats I know walk around as they pleace?
They do need a necklace otherwise it’s free to shoot them (sounds horrible) but I guess it’s some kind of way to predict an uncontrollable amount of stray cats.
Good luck with your business model.
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Thanks for this. It is helpful to have my feelings validated. I realize now I never properly grieved them. I was a kid and immediately thrown into foster care which was terrible and just put me into survival mode till I aged out. Since then I’ve never wanted to talk about it or think about it. But when I think about them I feel shame and a mixture of complicated things I can’t name or untangle.
I have this online counselor I’ve been talking to recently. I think I will bring this up in our next appointment.
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Day 928
Today is my sons first day of Grade 3 which means its a gym and self care day for me! My son is super excited for school and that makes me happy 
Its a beautiful day here and Im excited to get my health back on track. Have a great day everyone!! 
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Proper check in on my 245th day of continued sobriety. I’ve finally entered my work application and submission for a brand new job that I really want. Deadline is midnight tomorrow and might take up to 5 weeks for interview stage, if I make it through the sift/s.
I feel like a weight is lifted after successfully submitting this application. I’ve also learned today that I really have to not procrastinate going forwards. It just drags the life out of the present.
Now to wait.
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Checking in with 144 days sober. I’I’ll stay sober today too.
I need to do some reflecting today. I’ve got to much judgement in my bones and need to let it go. It’s not healthy.
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@MrsOdh oh I’m glad they were able to sort that out and your son can go🙏🏽
@soberwalker glad to hear the gel and ibuprofen are helping. Hopefully all better very soon
@Jesile ah I hate those days cause you don’t know why you are out of sorts …I do think it has something to do with our dreams/nightmares that we don’t remember but the sensation lingers. Hope your day gets better. Love the name Peanut for your kitty
@Lefty624 way to go with 70 days 
sorry you have Covid… grateful you are in the tail end. Hope you feel better soon
@Laner ah big hugs my friend. I would also be speechless in your situation. Sorry the greeting drudged up these memories/ emotions. I really don’t have an answer of how to respond. Here for you in support and hope that with therapy this all gets easier for you 
there is no time like or time limit on grief. You grieve in your own way love 
@Tragicfarinelli congratulations on finally submitting that application and sending good luck vibes your way…hope you get this job 
. I have found that I am procrastinating more lately and really am working on setting a schedule and getting things done. The more time I have the more I tend to procrastinate. When I was busy things just got done and on time:joy:
Afternoon check in…
Feeling so tired. My back and stomach are both in pain so I’m going to try and stretch / lie down. I did a slow walk this morning but the hilly parts really did not help any. Now gonna rest and see where the day leads.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day… sending you all so much love
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Yep @JazzyS I’ve been dragging my ass too…when I was rushed off my feet I got six million things done a day and didn’t blink over it. Time to get shit done again and push myself out my comfort zone.
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Day 7
No shopping
Day 11
No binge eating
The holiday sales…I almost bought stuff I don’t need. My heart was racing but I didn’t shop.
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Good morning (my time). I was just thinking about the question you get about your family. Maybe just say my loving pets are doing great and my toilet sometimes glows in the dark.
Just trying to add some humor to your day!
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Thanks for the support! I’ll keep trucking along. Hope your back and stomach pain gets better.
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thanks for the humor I had a good laugh!
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Checking in day 184
My planting from yesterday was repot some seedlings into bigger pots. I had 5 pots. Today all 5 have been knocked over and all dirt removed.
Alas I will see if I can salvage any plants.
I have AA this morning. Tomorrow Hubby and I have road trip to Utah from California for a funeral. My theory and staying positive what better couples therapy being stuck in the car with our dog for 12 hours.
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Day 10
After a couple of much easier days. Today was more tricky.
I was a bit moody and found myself thinking about wine a lot.
Going for a walk in a minute to take my mind off things.
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