- Just when you think you can’t learn new stuff about yourself, you can. For two weeks or so I’ve been really unsettled, upset and suffering swinging and erratic emotions… I’m certain it’s from an emotional openness towards feeling things deeper lately, being more vulnerable. More painful, yet healthy?? I have some character defects that have shown up: anger, insecurity, low self esteem, lack of inner belief and a tendency to catastrophize and make assumptions about others. It’s been wild. But I feel a certain lightness at naming what’s happened and dissecting it. I can only make amends with those I’ve been spiky with and do better. My recovery depends on being honest and open and willing. I’m looking to get back into my recovery efforts and to fucking double down on this addiction. It was an effort that was lacking lately, and I was seriously looking at self sabotage as an option. I’m so so glad that I still have my days intact and that I can do better and be better. Thanks for all of you here doing everything you can to stay sober day after day. I love you and you inspire me to keep fighting.
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Day 289, tgif i am very tired, but looking forward to an amazing weekend with my girls. Just doing my best to look at the positive in sittuations that i can. Work is challenging lately, still feel very taken advantage of and almost looked down on and i do believe its bc im a good hard worker. But idk maybe its my ego, anyways i try to look at it from all directions. Much love everyone
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148 days sober
I went on a walk with my closest friend this morning and I told her about yesterday. How I became emotional over the question about my family. We talked about how I can answer similar questions in the future. And I told her about the few memories I have of them and little things I remember. It felt good to talk about it.
Talking things out helped clear my mind a bit which was good because yesterday my concentration at work was krap.
I stopped by the orphanage after work to see how the kids are getting on and gave some school supplies. I got really upset when I saw some bruises on a few kids and some told that the orphanage leader took some of the school uniforms I bought them to resell in order to make more money. 
And others told that the bruises were from the staff being rough with them over them getting upset when they had to give their new school uniforms up. There has been hassle like this from this same person in the past. I went and immediately talked to friends in social services about what happened and they are on it. They also know that I was given a grant to help buy these school things for the kids. Anyways I really was angry about this happening. Seeing kids especially ones who have no one on their side being mistreated is one of the things that gets under my skin the most.
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Oh this just boils my blood. Thats really upsetting and I hope social services does something about this. Im sooo glad u said something
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Second check in for today.
Picked the 12 y/o up fron school with my new haircut. Hair dried fully and is slightly wavy/curly as it should be. Me thinking I look fab.
12 y/o stops outside the car, laughs until he is almost double folded. And after about 10 mins he still laughing and says “But why did you walk in to the hairdresser asking her to cut it like a Troll, and then payed for it? Was it hard for you to sit still so she could cut straight?” And then he keeps on laughing.
Then I tried to put it up in a bun to show him that it’s also possible, he thought I looked like Pebbles in Flintstone with that bun.
Guess I don’t have to wonder what I’ll be dressing out as for Halloween 
Good to know I raised kids with my humor.
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I’m so glad you got to Talk about it. Things tends to get a little easier when we get help with that.
Reading that wanted me to buy a plane ticket and get over to that orphanage. I can’t stand when kids are being treated badly, and just like you it feels extra hard when they have no one.
Great thing that you went to the social service with it and made them look into it for real. Some people shouldn’t run places like that.
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17 months feels like a million bucks!!! I am beyond thrilled with where life has taken me since the day I FINALLY wanted to change! One Day At A Time!!!
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Hope you have a great time on your vacation! I’m actually hoping to be a housewife in my next life! 
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Just checking in
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I hope they can do something and I’m not gonna let it go. I hate seeing things like this happen. At least I have proof that I bought and gave these uniforms to the kids…
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Yeah talking about things helps for sure. It is just hard to get yourself going and be open.
What pisses me off is that this isn’t surprising and is quite tame compared to what I’ve seen in the past for the orphanages here. But it makes me so angry. The people I talked to at social services also immediately became upset so hopefully something can be done.
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Congratulations on 2 weeks ☆
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Thanks 
that made me laugh so if you want so it might happen
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I’m glad it wasn’t something worse, but I’m sad that the situation for those kids is bad.
When I was young my church helped building and orphanage in Ukraine. I just want to save all those kids and give them a wonderful life. I know I can’t, but I want to.
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I feel the same way. Since I’ve gotten residency here I can now buy property…I’ve been thinking about buying the orphanage which then puts me in a closer position to make sure the kids are being taken care of and cared for. But I know no matter what I can’t save every kid and person.
In the past I had to step away to protect myself because I couldn’t handle seeing all the hurt and suffering but I’m trying to learn to cope better.
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Workday morning check in.
Last night was the 3rd in a row of my wife working overnight and me at home in the evening and night along with our 16-month old daughter.
I wasn’t able to fall asleep after her overnight wakeups. I’m in a spiral of caffeine and busyness this week and month.
Last night I watched the movie The Martian - I hadn’t seen it in a long time.
I feel like Matt Damon’s character when he’s stuck on Mars. I’m walking around solving problems all day, living more for the future than the present at the moment, and carrying lots of weight around. No excuses, and I’m going to save the pity party for another time!
Glad I will be sober and present with you today and this upcoming weekend.
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Thank you everyone got through last night and I’m feeling much better.
Basically this guy I’ve developed feelings for (the first time in years), things are going SO well that I was starting to feel suspicious that something must be wrong. Being hyper-aware, trying to find any red flags I can.
Then my friend showed me a conversation with him about mental health and, being in a foreign country, the way he approaches that stuff and words things is different from what we expect here. Wasn’t really saying to just get over it, but more of a super-positivity vibe, like “you have so much to be grateful for, its all in your head” etc.
That triggered me spiraling and not knowing if this is going to work out. But i talked on the phone with him for an hour and half about thank kind of stuff and we had a really good conversation where I felt like he really heard what I had to say and respected it and we shared our perspectives, we both share the same opinion that in order to get past something you gotta feel the emotions fully and be honest with yourself about it (i.e. not ignore shit or push it away) and I told him it was funny because he kind of contradicts that when he tells himself and others to push through it, and he heard me on that and was like yeah that makes sense, basically with his job he always has to make people happy so he has that mindset engrained. A lot to explain here but the conversation went really well.
Also told him about how when he told me a few days ago “you’re not the only one with problems, x” that made me feel invalidated and he 100% heard me and thanked me for communicating how I interpret things so that he knows that for the future, explained his actual intention behind that statement and also apologized.
Just on really high alert because im flying abroad next month to visit him which is absolutely insane of me to do but that’s how much I like him and want things to work out and truly be a healthy relationship. I think its a good sign so far how well we cam communicate and he is completely open to hearing me and different perspectives with full respect. He also isnt afraid to be honest about who he is and his views. I think it would be more concerning if he tried to change things and mask his real views and only try to tell me things I want to hear. So I think so far it’s going very well. We also both equally acknowledged that we’ve moved extremely fast so far, that we’re both a bit scared by it, and to slow things down a bit. Which I think is also super healthy, and he clearly isn’t making me feel pressured into anything. (It was my decision to go visit him next month, he didn’t pressure me at all, or even plant the idea in my head, it was all me).
Also the fact we had that entire 1.5 hour conversation when we were BOTH exhausted and sleep deprived but we were both fully present, calm amd respectful and understanding of each other is a huge green flag for me.
Working this morning, not sure what I’ll do after work but I’ll probably end up taking a nap like usual. I havent really gotten enough sleep at all this week. Hope everyone is doing well 
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If you do that I’m buying a plane ticket to come and work with you.
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oh well then I definitely have to work more on this plan
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