I’m here, I’m alive, I’m sober and I’m happy.
Day 169
Thank you everyone for making me rethink my idea of leaving or pausing from here yesterday.
Especially @tailee17@Mno@JazzyS@Englishd
Your responses made me rethink that idea.
You guys are my friends, you don’t leave your friends when life becomes too much or too stressful. You turn to them.
I’m not really used to that. I’ve tried here many times, but it mostly ends up the same way. That too becomes stressful.
What I’m going to do is maybe taking a little different approach to my presence here for a while. And instead of writing long updates about my day. I’ll check in, keeping it short and play around on others posts where I like to be.
And not add another “Have to, on my have to do list”
I also thought about how my 14 y/o asked about this app a few months ago, and when I said that it was an app for people who decided to try and never drink alcohol again he said that it was absolutely great. And that I should say to you guys that y’all a great from him. Because you are.
Then we got a broschyr in the mail about how to talk to your teen about alcohol. My 14 y/o asked what it was, I explained and then he said “You don’t need to talk to me, I’m going to do what you and the people in your app are doing, I’m never going to drink in my entire life”
You and your son made my day before it even started Sophia . Thanks! And thanks for staying. We’re in this together. I’m still learning that as well.
In other good news, Luna started eating again after the weather cooled down quite a bit. Like me she doesn’t deal well with extreme heat. I had a good couple of experience working days, will return as a nurse on Saturday but now it’s my weekend. Too bad the back wheel of my road bike is in the shop. But thankful I have another bike I can take for a spin as I really feel like it. Sober and clean.
Wishing you all as good a day as you all can make it friends.
Let’s make it clean and sober to begin with or nothing will come of it. Love to you all from my little square.
I am grateful to be sober for over 90 days now. Looking forward to reaching triple digits. I have been thinking a lot about AA and the “defects of character” sentiment through the 12 steps. As I review my life in the powerful light of sobriety, it dawns on me that yes…I have had thinking errors all throughout which led me down dark paths of actions, words and identity that sought to destroy rather than build up. Subverting my true nature. But it hasn’t overly addressed all of the hurtful behaviour and words I’ve directed towards other in my life. The selfishness and self centeredness.
I get that my ego through experiences in very early childhood was operating on steroids in its aim to get what it wants by way of unconscious thought through to action (push people away so I don’t get hurt). But I don’t want to listen to that voice anymore and have begun talking back to it. Of course it does resist (cravings and lapses back into old behaviour). But I still wrestle with the notion of the damage I’ve caused others when not in active addiction. The “defects of character” and have heard other people’s stories in AA about their wreckage and fundamentally changing their lives for the better. Becoming in essence better people…as opposed to just abstaining from booze.
This would indicate they were once “bad” people or does it mean they were always “good” but just had it covered up by their ego selves and all of the crap it can put us through? I’m asking b/c I haven’t started the steps yet but would like to rid myself of defects of character. Selfishness, paranoia, impulsiveness and addictive behaviours being the main ones. Does anyone else out there have experience of entering the 12 steps and coming out the other side a new man or woman of lasting change and positive living and action?
Thanks for this post @Aussie_Tiger I’d like to know this too I’m only on step one but I’ve been assured the steps come in order for a reason and when you’ve completed the first the next one can be ready for you to tackle
Morning all I’m feeling a lot better today my head s a lot clearer and I’m getting used to the ups and downs . I’m going to do some weeding In the garden today then off to a meeting this afternoon hope you all have a good day too
@just_laura My goodness girl – you did get a lot accomplished today. What a wonderful day and I love that you did have time for some fun too
@mrsodh Oh so happy to see your post and update and I do agree that sometimes we need to find a different way to communicate but we never leave what works. glad that you will still be with us as you are a part of our family So in love with your sons response! Yes - thank you universe!
@mno The hot weather really is a bit much and does kill the appetite. Grateful to hear that Luna is eating again
@Aussie_Tiger WOW great work on 3+ months friend – that is great work Look forward to celebrating triple digits with you soon. I personally am not doing the 12 steps yet but I have heard great responses from those who have done so. It is a true transformation as you are working on yourself inside and out throughout the process. Seeing life and the world through different eyes and dealing with life on a different level without the help of any substance. I am happy to see you asking these questions and working through the steps. It is not an easy process but it is a very rewarding one.
While i throughly enjoy your updates and seeing you live your life I understand your thoughts on the obligation. It does feel a bit much sometimes, but that’s all us putting that pressure on I realize.
Hopefully we’ll still see a bit of you here and there but if not, I wish your husband better health and you an amazing life with your beautiful children.
Best to you all, and thank you for sharing your journey to this point at least!
Still hitting up the early mornings, still full time employed at municipality, still mowing way too much for clients every week… hahaa. I love it all but I must say my energy has been depleted for the last while and I am looking forward to end of mow season to rest a bit from it and get back into the gym…70+ hour work weeks through summer are a bit much after, what? Now 3.5 months
Sobriety still remains one of the best choices of my life and I cannot imagine going back to my old ways at all.
I’ve had some stress with work and a work mate past few weeks, I’m not 100% sure why he decided I was public enemy number one after we were very close since I began and he wouldn’t even speak to me for about 3 weeks now. Yesterday he was assigned crew chief to job and it was night and day, we were back to our old ways??? Weird. I’ll see if that continues today as he most likely won’t be chief today (seniority assignment).
I hope we are good and have opt to chat about it but we’ll see I guess. If we aren’t, his choice, I’ll move on as I’m not there to be caught up in BS drama and childish games.
I have applied for a parks posting that my application is under review. I’m not sure I’ll like it more but it’ll be a change and I have 35 shifts to decide and if not I can go back to previous posting.
Also have been asked to apply for supervisor in parks but I’m not looking for an office job any longer. Pay would go up by about 50% extra but that’s not why I am doing this. It’s to be outside and exercise, fresh air and enjoy the freedom of mostly worrying about my own work and no one others…
Well that’s where I’m at, lol. Have a great day all
@Aussie_Tiger I’ll chime in although I am not doing 12 steps but the Recovery Dharma programm. So my answer derives from what I’ve learned there.
The defects of character you mention - selfishness, paranoia, impulsiveness and addictive behaviours - are a part of being human. We all have these kinds of thoughts and impulses. As I understand it, it’s not about getting rid of them. I believe this is a futile endevour.
Instead the idea is to learn how to deal with them - and with being a complicated human being all together - in a skillful manner so as not to create more suffering. So as not to create more harm to yourself and others.
I believe that a recovery programm - no matter which one - should be about that. After all most of us learned to reach for our DOC whenever life became to difficult, but instead to ease the pain, we caused even more harm.
Congrats on over 90 days and on deciding to get on this journey that is far more then abstinence. @Mno Do enjoy your ride and bring back some great pics for us @MrsOdh I am very glad you decided to stay. I have the same tendency to turn inward when life becomes stressful. In these situations I often get the feeling that I don’t have the capacity to take care of a social life on top. But I am learning in recovery that it is ok to turn for help when life is tough. To just show up with all my stress and just say so. And not expect of myself to perform for others. Sending you care @GOKU2019 Fingers crossed your little man gets used to school Getting used to school life is a tough transition for the whole family. @Timetochange That painting really is something Thanks for sharing. @Just_Laura I do dig your uncluttering insanity It really inspires me and I feel like I am now better equiped to tackle my flat. I decided to postpone it for when the weather gets colder. Don’t want to spend my summer days sweating in closets and cabinets. @Butterflymoonwoman Very glad to hear you are moving out of your funky stretch. They always take tooooo long Enjoy your self care. @Mira_D Sending waves of emotional support @Bomdhil Don’t believe everything you think. You are not your thoughts. There can be all kinds of thoughts going through your mind but you don’t have to act upon them. There is no direct line between a though, an emotion and an action. YOU are in control of this every step. YOU make the decisions, not some thought process. So it is YOU who has to decide if you are going to take those thoughts seriously, or if you are going to let them come, let them be and let them go, and move on with the life you want for yourself. @Chevy55 I hope the upset with your work mate calms down soon. Good working conditions are a lot about having good people around.
And I really like how clear you are on what you want in your life - fresh air and freedom - and what you don’t care for - sitting in an office. That is quite inspiring in terms on not taking too much BS in our lives. Thanks for sharing.
267 sugar
131 UPF
5 gluten
5 dairy
7 overeating
Back to creating that game. I already am excited. Need to do some phone calls and other kinds of errands as well. Yoga in the afternoon, maybe pool? Recovery Dharma in the evening. I co-hosted last evening and it was exciting and at times a bit stressful but in a good way. There is still a lot I want to learn in order to get more smoothly through leading such a meeting. But these skills will come with practice and time.
Just for today. Let’s keep our hearts and minds open friends: in peace, kindness and freedom
Recovery coaching was empowering and quite emotional. It was nice having a straight up convo with an actual person in recovery about recovery. In real life. It gave me a boost of confidence that I truly needed to walk a little taller and to give myself much more grace on my accomplishments. I am not my shame.
I think I am going to try to lean on my other recovery circle a little harder going forwards (UK based) and trust them with my truth; mainly due to the fact they have weekly sharing and centring events in real life where I can find the courage to speak and to listen (I’ve only ever listened in and not spoken before). I realise that I need more than the internet, I need the warmth of a voice and to see and hear kindness and companionship reflected to me. Community and genuineness are life lines. I went to bed buzzing and proud which was nice as I also felt sadness. Too many emotions bashing around meant a tiresome and hard nights sleep, or lack of. My sister arrives tomorrow evening and I need to prepare myself emotionally.
My son’s birthday is in a few days and I have been off of work for almost a week. So no money in the bank right now. I could use a credit card for his birthday celebration, but I haven’t been able to plan anything. He said he doesn’t want a gift, just an experience.
But he isn’t sure what he wants to do.
And I’ve been worried about my back and then COVID since last week and now I’m stressed about not having a plan. I hope we are feeling better before his birthday!
I’ve been on the brink of taking myself to the ER a few times…
Take care of you friend. And know how much loved and admired you are here, by me and many others, for keeping your shit and your family together through all adversity life throws at you. You’re an incredible human being. Much love.
Happy for you and I understand full well what you are saying. I feel strong ties to this place, a big reason me being too scared and avoidant to meet new people in real life in the past. That’s getting better. Also I’m such a lucky bastard to do the work I do, and talk to my fellows during work hours, and sometimes see this spark fly and something click in someone I’m connecting with. It’s the best. Do what you need to do friend XXX
Day 185
I have learnt quite a fair bit about myself over the past 6 months. Although I am still in the infancy of recovery and continuing to learn each day, the biggest & best thing I have done for myself is joining a gym and securing the services of a wonderful PT.
Absolutely loving the healthy lifestyle.
Champions aren’t made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them-a desire, a dream, a vision.”
You are lucky! Thanks Menno. I’ll be here still of course, no reason to shut down any resource completely. I just realised I need to connect in real life and feel touch and care. TS is special as well.
Hugs. Looks like you have had Covid for three days. Plus or minus. You would quality/ be eligible for an antiviral drug specific for Covid. Take care get well, the birthday will be special whatever happens. ODAAT.
@Chevy55 congrats on all the 2s and for knowing what you want from your work @Tragicfarinelli I hope the 1:1 went well just seen your update, I’m glad it did, sorry for the sadness though 🩵 @acromouse thank you, it turned out okay, damn anxiety! @JazzyS thank you that bite sounds irritating, hoping it heals asap @MrsOdh I’m glad you’re staying and it must feel good to be a shining example for your son 🩵 @McIrish92 welcome @Mira_D sending you strength 🩵 @Aussie_Tiger congrats on 90+ days
1465 days no alcohol.
930 days no cocaine.
445 days no vape.
18 days no crisps, no binge-eating.
The walk went well. We walked sooo much slower than I walk on my own, but this seemed to stop my back pain from increasing more than the initial pain that started after 5mins, we walked non-stop for an hour, so that’s amazing! Conversation wasn’t too bad, but I’m still unsure how it would be with just me and the volunteer. We are going again on the 4th September, and it will be both of them again, so I will be looking forward to that.
When I got home I read a chapter of the book I’m reading, and did my meditations.
In the early evening, the craving for a specific takeaway that I’ve been having for the past 18 days started, but I played the tape forwards for once, and then fell asleep.
I forgot to take my morning meds when I fed the cats so slept longer than usual and had an awful dream.
Today I need to take my repeat urine sample to the doctors for my kidney test, which came back too low to even calculate a result last time, and then collect my meds from the pharmacy, so I have to drive to my hometown. I’m not feeling too anxious about it, and the Sun is currently shining so it should be nice.
Day 274. Or 9 months, i really do feel like i have come so far in my sobriety, im not afraid to ask for help when i need it. I also love that i no longer say i cant do something i just get up and do it. I love cooking, i love my job, i love my sessions with my counselor and monday we did get stuff set up for my license. Things with my mom, family and girls are good. I have a healthy person in my life and im grateful for it all. My new toy didnt come. But it is coming today so it will be a thrilling surpise when i get home. Much love sober fam
. Thanks! And thanks for staying. We’re in this together. I’m still learning that as well.
Look forward to celebrating triple digits with you soon. I personally am not doing the 12 steps yet but I have heard great responses from those who have done so. It is a true transformation as you are working on yourself inside and out throughout the process. Seeing life and the world through different eyes and dealing with life on a different level without the help of any substance. I am happy to see you asking these questions and working through the steps. It is not an easy process but it is a very rewarding one. 
Getting used to school life is a tough transition for the whole family. 
Thanks for sharing.
Enjoy your self care.
My sister arrives tomorrow evening and I need to prepare myself emotionally.
and for knowing what you want from your work 
just seen your update, I’m glad it did, sorry for the sadness though 