Congratulations 
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Seems early, I agree, but I have just started using the fireplace for the first time this season as itās COLD tonight! 
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603
Early check in for me. Still tired today. I didnāt drink any caffeine and ended my workday with a headache. I suspected that was the cause but I didnāt want to drink any to try and fix it. Plus it was too late bc I want to fall asleep quicker than last night 
I finally got the phone call I was expecting from my insurance and she said she didnāt know why I was transferred to her. She messaged the very first person that called me about this 2 years ago and told her to contact me. The one who supposedly ātook care of itā. Weāll see how that goes 
Tonight is one of those rare nights I want to go to bed early but have to wait til itās my daughterās bedtime. By that time Iāll probably be wide awake again 
Hahaha 
This just happened 
Ahhhhā¦funny
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Day 1090 AF
Itās been an off day for me. Annoyed with work. Could be worse. Still sober. No crazy dreams last night, so thatās a plus.
Hope everyoneās doing well. ODAAT 
Take care.
@Just_Laura lol. Do phone companies recycle phone numbers? Some years ago, I had messaged a friend about one of my drunken nights. I didnāt know he changed phone numbers. Anyway, I thought he was fucking with me. I was like, āwhatever Freddyā. She was like, āthis is not fuckin Freddy, itās Betsy!ā Lmao. Thanks for the share.
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@Just_Laura you guys brought back a memory I would like to share
More than 45 years ago we only had land lines. I answered the phone and clearly a wrong number. I hung up only to have it ring again from same person and he says I swear I dialed the number he wanted and not ours. He tried 1 more time and yep got me. We got a telephone operator (yes a real person) involved and a maintenance check was set up. I guess resolved because he never called back. I was early teen and he was a really nice guy. Thanks for memories that were pleasant!
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@jbaldwin84 So happy that you were able to be open and honest during your baptism and have found a spiritual community to connect with. Keep thriving and growing in your sobriety 
@GOKU2019 Sorry to hear about your nightmares friend. They sound super disturbing and frustrating. Hope you are able to get some decent nights sleep soon 
@soberwalker That is super intrusive and I would be very upset too. I know itās the companyās property but an employee should be able to have some private space of their own. Iām sorry friend.
@19801 OOF sorry you were / are dealing with such crappy symptoms. Hope you are able to rest and feel better soon Sending hugs friend Iām sure your dad is sending you healing energy your way.
So very grateful that you did not stay away and are back with us. You are making some impressive changes in your life and a LOT of growing / healing is happening at this time. Of course your addictive mind will pop up to try and isolate you and find ways to keep you from further advancement. I know when the body is in pain and you are unable to do what you need to help in your recovery then the mind shuts down and wants craves isolation. Sending you love, hugs an comfort. So grateful to have you here with me on this journey WOOHOO almost 1 for your little panthers! How time flies? Hope they do allow you to sleep in from time to time.
@scorpn 2 years!!! That is amazing work friend! Keep going strong 
Hope you have heard from your family in Florida and that everyone is safe
@1in8billion Not having your daily meditation time can be a big reason for feeling down. I do hope that you did get out for that jog. How are you feeling today? A camping excursion sounds fun! Glad you did get that jog in and sounds like it really helped!
@residentevil Congrats on your 6 months of sobriety! That is awesome work! Keep up the amazing momentum
@catmancam Sending you good luck energy for your travels tomorrow. I do hope it is a much more pleasant journey and therapy session
@thirdmonkey WHOOHOO 5 months tobacco free! You rock! Great timers friend ā keep up the amazing work.
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@noshame WAY TO GO ā 17 months AF is amazing work. ODAAT ā you are doing great and coming up on your 1 month total clean and sober milestone
@bomdhil You are most welcome. So lovely to see you here on day 9! Keep up the outstanding work ā the quote is something you should read many times over. You have the power of your future my friend. Keep fighting for a sober one
@aybee WOW ā that is a lovely number. Gonna be hitting the 2000 mark here shortly ā thatās brilliant! Keep leading the way!
@lighter Sending hugs and soothing energy ā do hope you are able to get a good nights sleep in tonight. Much love Marie 
@heath Congrats on your sober days and thank you for the reminder to always be active in sober living ā keeping an eye out for the red flags and having the tools to work through them (not stumble into them).
@just_laura Oh man ā I do hope you are able to get this insurance shit sorted soon ā hate that they are dragging it on and throwing the issue around like a hot potato. Ok now that text was funny ā you sure you arenāt Chloe? Hope you get rid of that headache and are able to sleep son.
Checking in on Thursday night
659 days free of alcohol and weed
1074 days free of cigarettes
Not much going on. Still dealing with issues with health but trying to get past them. Did get my new bands today for my mouth splint. These are supposed to be heavy duty so hopefully I wonāt go through the bag in a months time. They tightened the metal slides too so hopefully my jaw will start feeling better soon.
Prayers and thoughts with those in Florida. Hoping everyone is safe 
All in all a decent day. I am worn out and gonna turn inā¦ wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day / evening / night ā sending you all so much love
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Ive heard from my mother, and bonus kids mother, theyāre all ok.
Havenāt heard from my big kids fatherā¦ Maybe he will check in when thereās power again
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@GOKU2019 Iāve messaged someoneās old number a few times myself 
and I get them all the time. One time I was text āCan you wake Liv?ā at like 7am, and my immediate response upon waking up was āSheās not here!ā They definitely recycle phone numbers too. I had the same one for 14 years but couldnāt switch it to my new carrier(I was so mad, I tried everything 
). Someone else had it within 3 years!
@tailee17 30 years ago my grandparents had to switch their landline number bc it was 1 number off from a local pet store and sooo many people kept calling 
@JazzyS Thank you, but guess where I am now!? Wide awake at 11:30 
I actually canāt wait to talk to this next woman and be like āBro, what happened to taking care of this 2 years ago?!ā Canāt wait for the answer.
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But are you sure you are not Chloe? 
@GOKU2019 Since yours yesterdays post about your dreams (i think it was you) I canāt stop thinking about a dream that is coming back to me every now and then. Every time I dream about my father, who died almost 20 years ago, he is trying to sexually abuse me or we just having sex. In real we had great connection, he NEVER touched me in the wrong way, he was just great father, although alcoholic. We had totally healthy, lovely, father - daughter relationship. Why the fuck he is always so disgusting in my dreams? He also wasnāt abuser towards my mom, at least not that I know. Every time I wake up from that dream I think ābut why, wtf brain!?ā. And I would say it happens pretty often. Weird. Guess it would be something to talk about with therapist, if I was a rich girl and I could afford one
Anyway, still sober. Life is lifey.
Yesterday i had meeting with Sachas teacher and it pissed me a bit cause she basically invite me just to tell me everything is fine. I have so little time, I donāt have time for this nonsense. Work, home, kids, this, that, cooking, groceries, dutch lessonsā¦ And she just stole 1h from me. But its ok, good to know heās doing fine. Although she could just tell me this on the phone.
Ok, gotta go, gremlins awake! Love ya 
Take care
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That is tough, I am sorry. Maybe stuff in your real current life is falling over into your dreams. Not a therapist here, but thinking of the good, happy, loving times with your father may put those thoughts more front and center in your subconscious and override the bad dreams. Big hugs, have a nice day @Mischa84
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Thursday night here on the west coast of British Columbia. Great day attending my nephewās graduation from Simon Fraser University. 3.5 months ago I was ready to throw in the towel and be done with life. Today Iām celebrating achievements with my sister and her family and feeling that zest for life again. Hopefully I sleep well because I have a 12 hour drive tomorrow to go see my son. Itās been 2.5 months since I left him at my momās so I can get the help I so desperately needed. I have a calm sense of nervousness about tomorrow but am so excited at the same time. Iām glad I have a good friend whoās doing the drive with me to distract me from any anxious or unhealthy thoughts that might creep into my mind.
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@Mischa84 Dreams can be really, really weird. And obviously they do not reflect reality. Otherwise I would be a massmurderer - for a long time I regularly had super violent dreams with either me being the victim or me being violent. I am glad that this phase is overā¦
I am little nervous about tonight. We have a meeting with the neighbors to discuss some HOA issues. The meeting takes place in a restaurant, where for years I started my usual weekend binge. When I order water, I usually have to discuss and explain myself to the waiter why I do not order a large beer (which I would down in 4 minutes and order the next one). I think I will be ok, yet knowing that this discussion will take place gets a little on my nerves already.
Have a wonderful sober day you all!
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1952
Thereās therapy this morning, my therapist made room for an extra session, with the plan of doing more emdr on my abusive teacher from elementary school. Been thinking about it lots but I donāt really see it how it can help at this point. It feels like when Iād do it, Iād do it to please my therapist (quite the pleaser here). I guess what also comes in play is the fear of losing her, because if we donāt do emdr whatās left to do with her. I know I need some more trauma therapy aimed at both body and mind. And she canāt offer that. Well. Will discuss it.
I do feel thereās been a little breakthrough in my head, helped by somebody elseās post somewhere on this forum. How I can better see and be with my younger self, or my younger selves actually, and communicate a bit and offer each other help and support. Thatās very good.
I didnāt sleep well. Many dreams, lots of time awake. Not feeling rested. Now Iām awake Iām feeling alone and isolated. I know I am not and will make this day as good a one as I can and expect the same from all of you. Sober and clean or nothing would come from it. Love from Buena Vista CO, 5 years ago on this day. My first sober holiday.
@Mischa84 There is some therapy still covered by insurance here. You do need a diagnosis for that though. Maybe hurry a bit as it is getting less each year. Sorry for the nasty dreams. Hugs.
@FoxMcCloud Sorry for your cold showers. Hope it is fixed soon. My warm water came back in the afternoon luckily.
@Timbuk Nothing to discuss with a waiter IMHO. You want water. They should give it to you. End of. I donāt ask the waiter why their head is formed so strange right? Success tonight.
@Dvantran Have a safe trip. Being sober for it will make it so much easier and better.
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His head indeed is strangely formed!@TrustyBird That storm sounds terrifying, Iām glad Billy is safe. His posts on here are sorely missed.
@Mira_D Your story is so incredibly frustrating. I donāt understand what the hell CPS are playing at. This is only hurting and traumatising your nephew more than it needs to. Glad to hear the judge is starting to see reason. Hopefully your drawn out fight is coming to an end.
@Mno Oh man, that sucks about new and unfriendly work colleagues. Nice to see you having the right attitude about. One day at the time. Fuck the arseholes (not literally, of course ).
@Tragicfarinelli Yeahā¦ I can relate with everything youāve written. Itās like my own brain is sometimes workimg against me and it takes too much work to function and be around people, even in an online community like this one. Side effects of an abusive upbringingā¦ Sending you strenght. Remember, youāre doing great.
@Just_Laura That made me laugh more than it shouldā¦ Butā¦ are you sure youāre not Chloe?
Day 636.
Yeahā¦ Iāve been struggling this week. The past two days were spent binging netflix and eating my body weight in chocolate. Itās like my brain justā¦ stopped and I canāt. Maybe itās the whole uni thing, or the trip to the UK, or my dire finances. Either way, itās not fun. I feel like Iām taking all these meds but somehow I stay useless.
Anywhoā¦ Tomorrow Iām going on a family road trip to my auntās house for the 1 year since my uncle died thing. Apparently after a year, you do something at the church and grave, and then a family meal. Thankfully, the next event is at the 7-year mark. Iām going alone because my husband deserves a break from my stupid family gatherings. Theyāre never any fun for him as he doesnāt speak the language and no one makes the effort to communicate with him. Itās quite disheartening, really.
I meanā¦ these things are never any fun for me, either. But I said Iād go and Iām a woman of my word. And weāre leaving at 6 am. I usually wake up around 7-8, so 6 is a bit of a stretch.
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Day 280 living life on better terms.
Missed the northern light show last night as shown by my social feeds, lolā¦ price for being in bed by 7:30pm.
But up at 4am and caught a little from my windowā¦
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Good luck @Amy30 
the brain is such a frikken tricky buggerā¦ It can change like a chameleon and shock you. Like if you know someoneās a total flake then you realign expectations of them with thought and poise and objectivityā¦ But with yourself itās a shock every time you shift perspective slightly or perform a brain fart. I just imagine that in my head thereās a whole cast of Game Of Thrones and they are just fighting for space and to be heard. Also, if you are stuck for any comfort and need an ear in London, hit me up. I would be happy to go for a random park walk and to chew the fat if you ever wanted to. No pressure, but Iām here and free and willing.
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@Amy30 Sending you strength in this trying situation. I hope you get to have some time to recharge your energy soon.
@Mno Sending you lots of love and care. Even if you cannot feel it right now, know that there are people close by and far away, who really care for you. You are a wonderful person. The little time I got to spend with you, I enjoyed immensly. You are great to be around. Donāt forget that when all your brain does is just giving you smelly farts. And thanks for the marvelous view.
@Timbuk Hoping your meeting goes well. Worrying in advance is a great way to ruin your day. A friend of mine once spend a whole day trying to figure out how to avoid her inlaws as to not have any interaction with them. She made a fabulous plan, as meticulous as only a german mother can. And then the inlaws turned up in a different location and earlier then planned. Her whole plan and all the worrying for nothing. A day lost.
The interaction you will have, will be a great teacher for you.
@Dvantran All the best for your trip and your visit with your son.
@Mischa84 I find it usually very nice of the teachers to take their time with every child and every parent. The ones that are doing well, also deserve attention, not only the troubled ones. Your boy would want the adults in his life to pay attention to him, when he behaves nicely. If they donāt, he would have to misbehave in order to get their attention.
@tailee17 A few years ago, after we moved to our current flat and gotten a new telephone number, an elderly lady would call several times a week insisting that I put Silvia on the phone. She did not sound confused, she just was not willing to accept, that she had the wrong number, and there was no Silvia there to be put on the phone.
@Lighter In Europe sleep was good, at least in my very specific part and bed. I hope you are getting enough sleep this night
@AyBee Nice, nice, nice numbers 
@Kareness Did Google tell you it could be your long commute? And yeah, spending 3hours on the road is awful.
@Thirdmonkey I think I need to one of those bacon jobs myself 
324 sugar
188 UPF
62 gluten
62 dairy
My daughter went to school today. I am very happy about that. She still had some headache, but we need to find a way to live with that, withouth waiting for life to happen some time else. Life is now.
I did some yoga and a rowing session. There is stuff to be taken care of before we depart for our autumn vacation in a few days. I hope I can squeze some work on my game and some yoga practice in. And then there is game night with friends tonight. Looking forward to that, have to reserve a car.
Todayās picture is from our trip to Arnhem this spring.
Whatever the day: Iāll go for peace and love for life 
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Happy to see my northern lights briefly again last night. I feel like sheās my muse. Iāve seen her several times; in Scotland and Norway and Iceland ā¦and now over Wembley stadium 
thatās crazy. Every time Iāve sought her out, she dances for meā¦ But I truly never thought I would see her in London, UK!
Last night I had my Inner You session, and we had a live share and then breathwork. After that in the visualisation, I got my Inner child and brought them home. Itās the only time Iāve cried in all this process and all this time and all these years. She was sitting scared on a sofa in a tiny cul de sac terraced house where I first remember being a kid. Maybe 3/4 years old or slightly older. Confusion and silence and oppression and fear were palpable. And I really believe this was actually before the abuse got bad, so it makes me think there was always something very insidiously wrong even before it escalated, or was at least memorable.
It was quite a relief and sad and joyous. Part of me (I am yet to name this character, but itās like an eternal bachelor figure), was fucked off to have this responsibility for myself, and part of me was so happy to take responsibility for that innocent life that did no wrong and to steer her into light and love. Story of my life, and thatās ok. Life is confusing and weird. 
. Seeing the green goddess after my session just made me feel safe and loved. I donāt know why, but it did.
Anyway, happy Friday all and much love 
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