Day 216 no alcohol
Day 5 no vaping
Day 63 running at least a mile a day
Not doing well.
I can’t put into words how depressed and angry I feel, I feel like I just want to be silent but I guess I’ll try to explain my thoughts because I need to somewhere.
Just feel hopeless lately. Not vaping is really making me want to drink. I’m spiraling on all of the reasons why life sucks right now and I just want to numb my brain. Dissociating isn’t enough. When I told myself I couldn’t drink, my brain immediately went to “okay well what about self harm” since I used to do that. Haven’t done any of it. Going to go for a run but I’m just really pissed off right now. Just feels like life is just constantly shitting on me.
For starters I’ve lived with my extremely mentally/emotionally abusive, phsychotic and completely clueless mother, who is unaware that she’s even abusive or needs mental help, for my entire life (28 years and counting), so to preface everything, I deal with her bullshit and mental abuse literally every single fucking day of my life since I was born, she pissed me off before I left for work today, I remember getting in the car and trying to breathe a sogh of relief of, well, at least I can take a fucking breathe and get to be away from her for a while, then on the way go work I get something in my eye and can’t pull over so I’m just in pain the entire time I’m driving to work, which emphasizes the fact that I never feel like I can finally fucking relax.
Work was fine, but that’s been pissing me off too because I’ve been making less than HALF of what I used to on a weekly basis. I am really, really angry about that. I want to save for a house. How the fuck am I supposed to go anywhere in life if I’m making a fraction of what I need to. And it’s for bullshit reasons, too. And on top of that, we have to tip out the bus boy an obnoxious amount which is higher than it used to be. And don’t get me wrong, he deserves that money. But when the bus boy is consistently making more than me, a server/bartender who is working their ass off, yeah, I have every right to be pissed off.
Then another reason I feel like life is just shitting on me. After years and years of abuse, I fall in love. Then he fucking dies. That was 3 years ago but I’m still pissed off. I’m still everything. I drank for 2.5 years after that and now I’m sober but I still dont want to process that shit.
And after a stressful day of being pissed off at everything, thinking about my fiance, working but making jack shit, I get to come back home, to my mom, and be in fear around her and hide in my room from her because I just want her to leave me the fuck alone. It never ends. I never get a fucking break to just relax. I dont know if i know how, because my defenses always have to be up. I just want to cry right now and I’m simultaneously extremely angry. I just want to zone the fuck out. I really want to drink I’m not gonna lie. I know it’ll make me feel like shit later though.
And another thing thats been pissing me off is ever since I started running on a regular basis my appetite has been through the roof. So even though I’m going through the effort to be healthier I’m probably just gonna end up fucking gaining weight.
Moral of the story is it feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try, life just has it’s own plans to shit on me. I work out on a regular basis, barely anything has changed and my appetite has just increased. I’m exhausted from working, I have plans to move out, but no matter how much I work, I’m making literally less than half than I used to. I fall in love, he dies. I want five fucking minutes away from my mom to take a breather and try to relax? Not happening.
Just really fucking sick and tired of everything.
Thanks for listening. Love you all.
… I do have hope that things will get better 
. I got a vape last night, I’m ok with this, I will try again another time. I was over 35 days off it, but yesterday was difficult in many abstract ways I’m not exactly clear on. I’m digging into that. Please don’t come at me about the vape, I hold my own agency on this. 
