Chroncling my journey.. the good, the bad and everything in between

#62

Thank you so much i hope the interviews go well also! Glad you’re doing what you need to im keeping you in my prayers!

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#63

425 days since I touched meth. … 1 full day alcohol free. I am such a problem drinker that this 1day little milestone really brings me to the realization of it…

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#64

I love how you are continuing to examine e your life and how to make it better - even when that process seems so painful. You are so honest and put so much of your heart out here…thank you for that. You, dear, are pretty awesome yourself - and things will get better. Slowly, maybe…but they will get better.

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#65

Thank you for your kind words. Almost made me cry. If there is one thing I have learned on this journey is I am going to suffer and that’s okay, because after all the suffering something wonderful happens. There is an analogy David Goggins said once that really resonated with me which is “when you are making a sword. It starts as just a hunk of metal. There is nothing special about it. It isn’t until you stick it in the fire and beat it with a hammer. Then stick it back in the fire, then pull it out and beat it again… and again…and again…after the process repeats a few thousand times you’re going to have a damn near unbreakable sword.” I’m just trying to be the unbreakable sword… Hence suffer for growth lol

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#66

I love forge analogies to personal growth. We are often out through fires of adversity and beaten down and stretched. I believe that my higher power intends for me to go through this so that when my process is complete, God will look at me and i will reflect his image in my countenance.

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#67

Very beautifully said my friend. Very beautifully :muscle:

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#68

It’s 8:55pm.
My best friend’s have a show tonight. It’s actually going on right now. It is also pretty close. Like two miles away. However, I am recognizing that being in that enviorment right now would be counter productive to me presently. I’ve been lacking discipline for a few weeks now and tonight I am excerising that discipline by having a low-key night. Relaxing and planning tomorrow’s run. I am shooting for twelve miles. It’s been a few months since I had a long run so I’m putting thought into my route. In addition to the run, I know right now the best thing I can do for myself overall is to stay focused on the things I need to get done. I don’t feel as though I have earned myself a fun night with friends.
Sure, I ran two days in a row. So what!? I should be running everyday. The fact is I have let myself down for longer than i can accept and for me to better myself i have to do the things that continue my growth as a person.
So today, I spent quality time with the family members close to me. I talked with a friend who has been struggling in consistently going to the gym and offered my time to attend with them to help hold them accountable. I journaled. In putting my thoughts down on paper I am able to have a visual representation of things I want to accomplish. I sent out a few resumes. Hopefully an opportunity will arise and if not I will just continue searching.
A productive Friday night in beats a wild Friday out for me any day.

In case you haven’t heard it today:
I LOVE YOU & YOURE AWESOME :grinning::call_me_hand:

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#69

Happy Easter everyone.
I’m awake, enjoying a cup of coffee at the kitchen table per usual my morning routine. Last night, my friends and I had an intimate little party for the release of a friend’s new mixtape. Regardless if it is good, the atmosphere last night was really nice. No one got drunk. We ate food. A few of the guys performed and we all had a good time.
A good time… that is something I have been keeping myself from ever since my last fuck up. It’s not that I DONT want to have fun, it is that I cannot justify it when I spent so much time acting out and using the dissolving of a personal relationship to merit my actions. However I put myself thru the ringer the last few days and earned a night out. For that I am thankful. I held the line and gave no ground to the intrusive thoughts leading me to wondering what my ex might just be doing. At this point it is none of my business.
When I decided to leave the party last night, I chose to walk. It is a little over a mile away and some active recovery sounded good. Upon my walk I stopped and starred at a practically full yellow moon. I was entranced by the dark clouds passing in front of it. As I stood there, the world around me seemed to stop and I had the first real insight I have had in a few weeks. Even when the sunlight fades, and darkness envolpes our surroundings, the moon still shines light thru illuminating our path home…

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#70

Pardon my language but that’s fucking beautiful!

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#71

The lesser light to rule the night…

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#72

I recently had a conversation with a friend… we kind of went over the timeline of negative events that happened thru out my life and in doing so I had a few epiphanies in regards to where the root of some of my insecurities are. Since said conversation I have felt a lot lighter. As though I was no longer dragging a boulder by a chain behind me.
Yay for breaking free.

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#73

Glad you have such a close friend you can figure things out together with! I look forward to reading more of your story!

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#74

Thanks.
I really feel fortunate to have this individual in my life.
#gratefulaf

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#75

Ohhh they sound special! Good for you! #appreciationstation

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#76

It’s 7:40 am.
I just got back from the gym. I woke up and was out the door by 5:30. It felt really good to earn my sunrise. Along my walk there the world was just starting to wake up. Birds were begining to chirp. The whoos’ of an owl echoed in the distance. It really put me in an appreciative mindset, and I have so much to be grateful for ; My two closest friends who mean the fuckin world to me. My mother, who I have had a strained relationship with my entire life but she has really turned it around. She had been essentially homeless bouncing around from place to place for the last two years and she finally has her own place. She has never lived on her own so I am making a point to stop over a few times a week to check in on her. Plus, in helping her, it is helping me.
I really feel as though everyone around me is changing and getting better every day, which is fuckin beautiful.

In case you haven’t heard it today:
YOURE AWESOME & I LOVE YOU :slightly_smiling_face::call_me_hand:

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#77

I love this, your positivity is infectious! Things just keep looking up, the future is bright af!

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#78

Thank you.
For a very long time I was a negative, self abusive asshole. I was a shitty person to be around and I was almost never happy. Thankfully, that person is dead, gone and buried.

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#79

#Growthandmaturity

#80

Right!!! Progress not perfection.

A lot of my growth as of recent is due to my best friend. She really helped put things in perspective for me. Thank God for the universe. I also know depending on ones faith that can be an oxymoron hahah

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#81

Exactly!
Awww glad you have her! Hey it’s ok to have faith in many things, do you!

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