Awesome, that’s a great first step. It sounds like a shift needs to take place to make it really stick if relapse keeps happening. Can you add an online meeting once the kids go to sleep? Carve out 15minutes twice a day to read threads on here that pertain to your struggle? We never know which key will unlock our sobriety until we start trying out different keys!
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Hey it really sounds like you don’t know where to start. I posted a list of resources above, start there. Pick a few, stick with them, put in the work. Go to the list, choose, let us know here what you’ll do. Meetings, some books, a podcast, choose a mix.
Ppl are not saying you don’t want to be sober, they say that you want to still drink more than you want to be sober. That’s what relapsing is, you decide to give in and drink/use over staying sober.
You keep asking the community to validate your decisions as not that, but incomprehensible riddles. Well, in a place full of recovering addicts and alkies who all had to go through the important step to take responsibility for our actions, i.e. our addiction and our recovery, that won’t work.
It’s you who keeps on going to the drink, therefore part of you makes that decision and wants to stay drunk. When I was still drinking despite knowing I should not, I was making that same decision. If it was purely detestable to you, as you say, or me, neither of us would be here.
It is also your personal journey and responsibility to figure out what you’re drinking at. I.e. what the illusion is here that alcohol is helping you with/changing for you/making easier or more bearable. No one can tell you that. That’ll be your work to engage with yourself and get to know yourself in that way, so you can grow out of it.
It’s not a miracle to get sober, albeit it can feel like one if you’re suffering bad enough in addiction and then you’re suffering less and begin to feel joy and connection again.
But it’s not a miracle, it’s work and dedication.
Neither is relapse or addiction a miracle. It’s making the same bad choice over and over again and believing your own bs.
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Sending hugs. You’ve been on a very powerful path yourself recently, ma’am. Pat yourself on the back for how far you’ve come today. 
Drunk we wouldn’t be where we are now, no where near.
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Thank you 
It’s fact that the ups and downs of life are far better manageable when we are sober and actively caring for and working on ourselfs and our recovery. Tried both, relapse and active recovery. I definitely prefer active recovery allthough it’s work, awareness, kindness and patience. There are no fucking shortcuts, I would have found them the impatient person I am. A solid ODAAT has to do the trick. 
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Another thread I recommend for concrete steps taken to sobriety is this one. These kinds of actions help reinforce the lifestyle of recovery.
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Sure I can do that
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I too stopped and started many times, was never sober more than a week, never fully took it seriously until this time id reached my rock bottom…im almost 6 months and however controversial this may sound…ive made a rule for myself that relapse simply is not an option, i have to find another way…my daughter, myself and sobriety are my top priorities and anyone or anything that jeodordises it are not welcome in my world
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Great. I’d love to hear how the meeting and reading go👍🏻
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Yes I will have to find a meeting
I was doing so good and feeling so good too but last night went out with friends and had a couple drinks. Feeling so disappointed in myself and shitty today too. Back to day 1 again
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It is most definitely not f*$%ing easy. It is hard! Seek out the tools that work for you. Come to this forum every day. Find meetings. Talk to your doctor. Ask for help. Every single morning I open up my app and pledge to stay sober today. That pledge is to myself. Not my doctor, family, friends, pets or anyone else. Myself! For better or for worse I’m the boss of me. You can do this.
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Your right, its not f ing easy. Im going to work much harder this time. I need to put in the work each day. Not once in a while, each day. Im doing it for myself. For my own sanity and peace of mind.
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Its hard but try not to get bogged down in how hard it is because youl stay in the negativity…this isnt about berating yourself its about giving yourself a good solid fighting chance of overcoming addiction…to do that what u need to do is give yourself as much chance of doing this as you can by being good to yourself…anything goes aslong as its not drinking/using …think of things that make u happy, write them down and use those to fill the gap, when i first stopped i ate alot of sweet stuff but that levelled out after a couple of months, you can do this 
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I have faith in you 
5 days here
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Thank you. I needed to hear that. I also need to keep busy and to remember how i feel now so maybe the next time i get the urge to drink i will stop and think how awful it will end up. I think i will write all these thoughts down for a later read.
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Thank you. Starting over is hard but at least im not drinking now or today.
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This is an important point. I don’t like using the term “work” in recovery. I guess there are some things that could be considered tedious, but I really focused on finding joy every day. I walked every day outside with friends. Lots of coffee dates. Tons of meetings which I love. Movie night alone.
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I understand that feeling. I know I “wanted” to be sober but at the same time I REALLY wanted to be able to drink like a normal person. So I kept drinking trying to prove to myself that I could be normal. It was only when I admitted and accepted that being normal was not possible for me that I really truly focused on sobriety as my true goal.
No one really thinks you enjoy being addicted.
YOU CAN DO IT!!
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I so agree with this…it took a long time for me to admit that i can never be a normal drinker but in the end once id gotten my head around it and accepted it… it actual felt freeing…like when you struggle to make a decision but then when you do you feel relieved. I say to myself that drinking is the only thing i cant do which means the world is pretty much my oyster(obviously within limits)
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