Yep. I havn’t worked out how to link threads like that yet 
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Going to use this as my little journal…
today is day one again I feel like after I slipped up after a record 9 days I felt kinda like fuck it and sobriety just wasn’t ever going to happen to me I felt like my will was too week but the truth is I loved who I was when I was sober and I loved how I felt.
I’m attending my first meeting Tuesday and I’ve given my bf my car keys just to get me past 4 days because once I was past there I didn’t have much problems until I got upset and used. Odd thing is I don’t even think I used mainly to hurt me I think it was just to hurt my partner.
I can do this, and I will keep fighting and fighting.
As far as the alcohol and cocaine connection goes this was my big problem. I only crave coke when I’ve had a drink. My key worker at NA said this is due to the substance alcohol and cocaine make when mixed together. It’s a completely separate substance and has a longer lasting high without the fast come up. It’s more sustainable and once you drink your body craves the rest of the ingredients I guess. I’ve found that to quit cocaine I’m also going to have to steer clear of the beer.
Good luck! We can do this!
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Had to restart again but with going days without doing it I’ve come to realize that I just do a shit ton to make up for the days I didn’t do it and I’m a 130 lb girl and did 3 gs last night to myself and literally thought I was dying by the end of it yet I couldn’t stop if that isn’t the devil idk what is. I’m done that was the wake up call I needed I was just praying to god not to take me that I would be different I feel really bad for what I put my mom through last night we well. I’m going to my first meeting tomorrow and I’m going to write in my prayer book every day and read my women’s sobriety book everyday. My mom also suggested I come up with a routine instead of just kinda going with the flow. I’m gunna do this thang this time around that was scary shit
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I actually prefer to do coke without drinking… but I don’t like to be alone so I always end up being high and going to hang with ppl who won’t judge me for being high off my ass so then I end up drinking bc they are. But that’s the scary part about me I just do it alone no partying or socializing needed
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Day 4 feelings kind’ve sick and out of motivation nothing is really making me happy today
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Hi @Emileigh04, I believe you our experience with low mood is to be expected. Cocaine wipes out our dopamine stores by causing our neurons to dump all of our dopamine into our system at once and chronic use (as with any drug) makes our bodies desensitized to normal pleasure. This will get better! Your brain can heal itself if you give it enough time clean and sober. Functional MRI of brain activity in recovering cocaine addicts takes up to 2 years to normalize. Be as patient and kind to yourself as you can.
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This makes perfect sense and it always helps me to see things from a scientific perspective. I’m on day 79 and there’s a progressive but definite shift towards being able to feel happy naturally. @Emileigh04, the early days are the hardest and down days were a trigger for me - that was my cycle, the one I had to recognise in order to disengage from it. You can do this 
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I think alot of us used to do drugs with friends socially until they end up mooches and then we want all our drugs to ourself and alone or hide. Its kind of important to stay away from all users even alcohol when early in recovery. Give yourself time sober and it will be easier later to be around users without an urge to fit in. Sometimes being lonely pursuing ur own goals and growing is better then hanging with users that are not trying to do better in life. You are a product of your environment surround yourself with people with the same goals as you and you will grow. Surround yourself with drinkers or users you will never have anything more then what they have.
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Day one again I’ve kind’ve fell off the map but I got it out of my system and I’m ready to do this in ruining my life financially and my relationship. I never thought that this would be me 
Dont worry sunshine its never over unless we give up! Lessons learned im sure this time around. Believe me being alone can suck sometimes but in the end sometimes in life we have to take risks and chances to make that ramen noodle stick to the wall. I had to let go of about every friend i had and job i had to fly solo. I was scared at first taking the chance but its a move ill never regret it!
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Rehab? I can’t speak enough of getting out of your element for 7 days, you will be surprised as to how much better and clean you will feel after only 7 days in a program. I would suggest based on how often and amounts you are using to do 30 days, but I’m not a clinician. I can speak from experience though, I quit crack cold turkey in a drug house living with my crack dealer, and somehow got sober alone, it’s not easy and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You seem like way too nice of a woman to throw her life away to white or the rock, whatever it may be. Please seek the professional help you need
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I honestly can’t afford it I’m struggling so hard everyone things I can just quit on my own like I’m a disgrace and I should have the will power they don’t get it
Hang in there @Emileigh04. don’t give up!
Where are you getting your supply from?
Is cocaine less expensive than rehab?
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Hi @Emileigh04
How much of your addiction is down to your environment do you think? Do you feel like if you changed your environments/social circles, the peer pressure to use/clean up would be less so?
You’ve mentioned in a few posts now that your cocaine use tends to be when you’re in social circles so I wonder if that might help.
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I’m three days into my sobriety. Not my first time either. Three days ago ended my week long cocaine binder. In that week I managed to completely destroy my life and almost loose the one person in my life who means everything to me. I got in with the wrong people and started selling it to support my habit. Ended up in the hole to my dealer. Got desperate started robbing people. Not just any people my fiance and my best friend. Who does that. Long story short my fiance came to my rescue and brought me home. So here I am picking up the pieces and taking control of my life.
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I used to rob strangers and family members alike. You are not alone when it comes to that. It’s been almost two years since I’ve had to steal anything.
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Same here… Im overwhelmed at the things ive been able to buy . I had 100 bux to my name when i started this last journey. I didnt have a running car, no tools, i was wanted with no liscense, i was just another broke junkie. Now i have 2 running cars, a driver liscense, fines paid, a law abiding citizen finally, $1000’s in tools i no longer finacially struggle or need anyones money. It can truely be a blessing and the only one holding ourself back is ourself! Being sober definitely is worth it’s wieght in gold…
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I didn’t buy things, but I’m able to support my family and take trips. I also have improved my credit score by around 100 points.
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