Coming clean.. another addiction

Emotional Support
1

Hey,
Ive been using this app on and off. Mainly on about the past 9 months. All of you know I’m an alcoholic. But, i also have another problem that I never really talk about.

2 times my wife has caught me talking and sending pictures to other women. The 2nd time she was 8 months pregnant, but we were able to work it out. Which i was very grateful for. Almost 2 years later (just recently though) I made a social media account. But had deleted it before it went further. I hadn’t sent or recieved anything.She caught it and I had lie at first. She is pregnant again. 2 months along. I never had physical contact with anyone else. There for i never thought of it as cheating or a sex addiction. However, after researching ive realized i do have a problem. I don’t know what’ll happen to our marriage. I want to stay together but, i dont want to hurt her again or our kids. Her family obviously is pushing her for a divorce. Which again i dont want, but i dont want her to wake up every morning thinking “fucking asshole.” Weve been to counselling together and separately. We stopped going because she didnt like what they had to say. I wish i kept going. Im planning on goinf to a new place. To better myself knowing full well nothing may get better between us.

I didnt do this for a woe is me thing. I didnt it because i had to get it out. Only the 2 of us really know its an addiction. She now realizes that i have an addiction and am truly not meaning to hurt her.

Thank you for reading this. I am fully aware i am not a good person and am ready for backlash from certain people.

3 Likes
2

Hey Phil,

It takes courage to come clean. @SinceIAwoke was saying the other day how our secrets keep us sick. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. The great thing about this forum is that there’s people here who are learning to live their truth.

I’m pretty agnostic but there’s some parts of my catholic raising that stick with me. We’ve gotta name the demons before we can begin the process of casting them out. You’ve done just that, time to roll up the sleeves and dig in. We both know you’ve got it in you to take the hard road.

It’s another step on your journey, my friend. Nothing to be ashamed of. Shame never did me any good. Keep up the great work!

6 Likes
4

I hear and understand what you’re saying. But, when you hurt the person you truly love, you feel like a bad person. I know its not me. But seeing her hurting and crying etc, doesnt make me believe that im a good person. Maybe during the process of getting help that feeling may change.

1 Like
6

Phil, you’re not a bad person, you are suffering from a disease. Sit yourself down and think a little about how much you love your family. How much you love your boy.

I dont know how religious you are, but you can put up with a bit of preaching from me for a bit. We are made to be in families. Man and Woman are made to be 100% partners. If one is failing, the other picks up the slack. Of course, in a perfect world.

If you feel like you’re hurting her and you’re having trouble generating love between the two of you, then I suggest you try something out. Try giving everything of yourself to her. Serve her. Wake up before her and get the house ready, kids ready, coffee, whatever. When you get home, after dinner, do the dishes, then clean the house. Rub her sore feet since she’s pregnant.

Find yourself lusting after different women? Why? How? Where’d you get all the time to do these things? Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. If you fill your time with activities dedicated toward strengthening your family, you wont have time for anything else.

You should join us on some of the sex addiction threads. It will help.

2 Likes
7

Great question and great advice for all addictions.

4 Likes
8

It’s an uphill battle once your partners family is against you. I was in a similar situation after my daughter was born. It was extremely difficult shedding my old party habits, even with a baby on the way. And although I never actually physically “cheated”, I did a lot of behind the back cyber flirting and texting. Some of these girls I had previously dated and had sex with in the past. Needlessy to say, my baby mama was not too thrilled.

Once her sisters and parents were against me, it was kind of game over after that. I tried for about 2 years to make it work, but it felt like we were just going through the motions. I could tell her heart wasn’t in it any more, and it made me lose even more interest. She eventually ended up actually cheating on me, but it was perfectly “justified” because she had her whole family already calling me a piece of shit and her sisters the ones trying to set things up to go out all the time.

I hope you don’t suffer the same fate.

Maybe you guys can get some counseling and work through it. A part of me wishes I had at least tried it. She suggested it, but I tried to act like it wasn’t necessary. Typical alcoholic behaivor, completely denying that there is even a problem.

My advice: if you actually love this woman than you need to let her know. You gotta let her know she is your world, and no one else compares. And I would honestly seek some sort of counseling or help.

If you don’t actually love this woman, then you need to break it off asap. It isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to her. Maybe you can arrange it to help her through the pregnancy and help out, but if it isn’t working out… then you can’t force it. I don’t believe in “staying together for the kids”. I tried it, and I was absolutely miserable. The kids can also see through the bullshit too. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Like I said, I hope it works out. But having lived this story… don’t feel like you’re obligated to stay with a woman you don’t love just because there is a kid involved. Yes, you got her pregnant, and yes you need to take responsibility for it… but that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to coparent under the same household. You wouldn’t be the first person in the world to get a divorce.

Hopefully it all works out though. Good luck.

9

I had a problem with porn starting in middle school. But everyone thinks “oh you’re just a teenager.” Well that hadn’t fully gone away. And i feel i got bored with it and branched out to texting other women. Had i known what would happen, i would’ve branch out and asked for help.

2 Likes
10

Ya know what? I’m really proud of you for writing that - it shows a desire for rigorous honesty, which means growth.

2 Likes
11

Thank you. I appreciate that.

1 Like
12

Its just really weird, Ive never been this scared or delt with so many emotions. All i can think about is the saying “if you love something, let it go.” Like I said, i know where i want to be. But i other feelings telling me it maybe time to let her go. I take full acceptance for this. Which would make you think i wouldnt feel like i do.

13

Sorry man, dont be offended by this but, i wholeheartedly disagree.

@Philrr415 If you dont love her, ask yourself why you dont. Is it your fault? Do you love her as the mother of your children? Love is something that one can develop and foster. Love requires work. If you find that you are not loving her, its because you allowed it to die. It is completely unfair to her and to you children to walk out of this family. Divorce is damaging to families (obviously). Children get scarred by it.

My advice is that you put your heart and soul into strengthening your marriage and your relationships with your family. More is at stake than just a relationship. You’re risking the well being of your children. The damage you do to them will affect their development and then affect their children on down the line. Sins of the Fathers. The choices we make are far reaching across generations. Think about it a bit.

14

Yes of course i still love her. But 2 times and almost a 3rd . Would you believe anything i said? My dad did the same to my mom. That doesnt mean i thought it was ok or looked up to him for it. I always told myself i didn’t want to be like him for that. I don’t want the divorce. She knows that. But when i sit in her shoes i think " well it’s just a matter of time before it happens again."
She knows it an addiction now and knows im not trying to hurt her. I found a good counselor. But with her family looking for boxs and attorneys. Well i think we know where this may end up.

1 Like
15

I’m not offended. Everyone is entitled to their own oppinion.

The way you worded it though, you made it sound like “forcing” yourself to love someone that you don’t is the solution. I disagree. I think love should come naturally, and if it isn’t working out, then it isn’t working out.

Divorce can definitely be detrimental to kids growing up, but so can having them live in a toxic environment. Having been a child of divorced parents, I am grateful that they got a divorce. Because if it wasn’t that, then it would had been them arguing and fighting everyday. I think that is what scarred me more than the actual divorce. My perception of love is now fucked up, because when I was young I just watched my parents fight. I watched my dad leave the house constantly to cool off, and my mom always took him back. That’s probably why I have issues staying faithful, and possibly OP too. Because we grew up thinking that’s what “love” is.

So yeah. I stand by what I said earlier. If you don’t love this woman, then book it. Trying to force something that isn’t working out isn’t fair to anyone.

You gotta pick and choose your battles. Divorce is hard on everyone, including children. But having them grow up in a fake and toxic environment is just as bad.

16

Nothing is set in stone here. You’re not your Dad either. I’ve felt the way you do before as well. But, im dedicated toward recovery and my family. They are my priority in life.

@JeffreyDale im not saying anyone should force something. Love doesnt always come naturally. Thats not true at all. Sometimes love is something you fight for and earn. Its something you achieve. Just like our understanding of addiction is something we become enlightened on. Love grows with focus and dedication.

Saying that it isnt working out is a cop out. People who fight with each other can come to better terms. Toxic environments can be cleaned up. It sounds like she wants to make it work. As long as both parties are willing to work on it, its possible. I dont believe for a second that just because a vouple is in a bad situation they cant turn the tables and repair.

I would get @Yoda-Stevie in on this. I bet he would have some wise words on the topic.

1 Like
17

I’m not saying it’s not impossible, I’m sure there’s been plenty of couples who have been able to turn it around. Good for them.

However, in order for this to happen, both parties have to be willing to put in the work. In most of these situations, one person or the other already has one foot out the door, and most likely has already met your replacement.

You gotta look at the bigger picture here. Her family is already rooting against him. Hiring lawyers, probably setting up other dates with other men, all kinds of shit. Even if they are able to work it out, you still have to deal with that aspect of it. This ALSO creates a toxic and dysfunctional environment for children. I lived it bro. Christmas, Birthdays, you name it… any time I had to be around their family, it’s awkward and toxic. Kids are smarter than you think man. They can see right through the bullshit. Having grandparents talk shit about you to your own children… playing manipulation games… it’s not fair for the child.

Some people are worth fighting for, yes. But if you don’t feel it in your heart of hearts… then don’t.

I don’t think it’s a “cop out”. I’ll fight tooth and nail and travel to the end of the world for the woman I love. But I can tell you right now, that woman is not my baby mama.

18

Im not saying that every situation is rectifiable. In Phil’s situation, they seem to be wanting to work it out. Even with in-laws being against him. Theres going to be damage done to children just because of the fact that he made the decisions he did.

What im saying is that a lot of the world has developed a culture of giving up. If the relationship is on the rocks, its best to just leave and start over. That’s absolute BS.

I would be hesitant to council anyone to just jump ship because the odds sre stacked against them. Thats like me saying that you shoukdnt even try to get sober because you’ve been a monumental F-up for the past several decades, nothings going to change.

People do change. Hearts mend. Peace can come to those who seek it out. They seems to be working on it.

2 Likes
19

Then don’t hurt her again. The best way a man can love his children, is by cherishing their mother.

Unless there’s abuse or neglect, your kids will be better off if raised in a two-parent household. Not knocking single parents. I was raised by a divorced woman. My oldest child was raised by his mother, my ex-wife. What I am saying is if you love and care for the kids, leaving is the least desirable outcome, for them, and for you.

No man is perfect, either. All marriages have their rough patches. See that elderly couple celebrating their golden anniversary as husband and wife? They had rough patches. They had fights, and tears and challenges. What got them to that anniversary was a willingness to work through, and a desire to be better for the other.

You’ve decided to be better, now be better. This goes beyond your addiction. You must decide what kind of legacy you want, and then work to become the man who leaves that legacy. You can be this man, if you want to be.

Lastly, you aren’t married to her family. They don’t get a vote. They are in the stands, not on the field. Walk away and you will always be the bad guy. Stay, and you have a chance to prove them wrong. So prove them wrong.

6 Likes
20

Absolutely. Staying says more to the in-laws than anything else.

2 Likes
21

I think perhaps in “looking at the bigger picture” the more important picture gets blurred: those kids. Who gives a shit who is rooting against whom? Fans don’t get to decide the game. It’s the people on the field who do.

1 Like
22

Phil’s situation is just that… situational. Nobody knows it better than he does. That’s why I made sure at the end of my post to wish him good luck, and to choose what he feels is right, no matter what he decides. I wasn’t advising him either way, just sharing my story, and trying to show the other side of the coin.

I get what you’re saying about living in a culture that “gives up” too easily. But I also don’t think it helps our society by demonizing anyone who wants a divorce either. This is half the problem. This is why I stayed in a relationship for 2 years longer than I should have, because of the “guilt” I felt from society that I had to “stay together for the kids”. I was completely unhappy. My partner could see it, my coworkers could see it, the kids could see it, everyone could see it. This is the kind of stuff that makes alcoholism worse, addiction worse, dysfunctional families, and sometimes even suicide. In a situation like this, it takes both people to be on the same page. If one person isn’t feeling it, then it just won’t work. And it’s actually selfish to try and force someone to love you who doesn’t want to.

And if we’re gonna relate divorce and relationships to drinking… why is it that we’re advised to discontinue associating with drinking friends? I mean, if everyone is “capable of change”, why do we have to throw away these people so easily? Because we’re need to remove the toxic influences from our lives and focus on ourselves. Why can’t this go for relationships as well? Toxic is toxic, no matter who or what it is. I’m not talking about Phil’s situation specifically. Just touching on the topic you brought up earlier about society giving up too easily. I will never feel bad about removing toxic people from my life, no matter who they are.

I don’t think getting a divorce makes you less of a man, and it doesn’t mean you’re a “fuck it, life sucks. let’s go drink” kind of person either. Understand that every situation is different. I think it’s unfair to demonize or attack anyone who wants a divorce. In the grand scheme of things, it may have saved some lives, and you would never even know it.