So I am on day 5 and need some encouragement/ friendly advise. I live with my husband and 2 kids he works to provide I work a few nights a week just for some extra money and to get out of the house but my main struggle right now is my husband still drinks. He has quit with me before but after we went a few weeks he wanted to go out so we did and that was the start of me last downfall. What should I do?? He thinks because he can drink and still get up and go to work it should not matter and I feel guilty because he does pay all the bills and why should my addiction stop him??
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To drink or not, is a personal thing. Your decision to not drink shouldn’t mean he can’t. As long as he’s supportive of YOU not drinking, that’s what counts. You should never feel guilty for your man doing what he’s supposed to do, support his family. That’s what a good man does. But what I think you mean is why should he not be able to go out and drink, if you’re trying to stay sober?
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Supporting you and your kids and paying the bills dosnt matter yes it is alot of help but if your trying to stay sober and him drinking affects you staying sober you have to go mama. Think of your kids they need you more than the bottle. Believe me i went threw the same thing. But the number one important thing is your sobriety amd keeping sober.
I’m 2 weeks sober and my husband still drinks also. It definitely makes it difficult but I realized that it’s more difficult because it’s my addiction that makes me frustrated that he is still drinking. He’s a very functioning alcoholic. He drinks every night but usually does not overdo it to a point of causing any major issues. Sometimes he’s a bit forgetful. It definitely slows his response time in tasks and conversations which also frustrates me…or sometimes passes out the couch and doesn’t stumble into bed until 3:00 in the morning. It irritates me to no end when he has a couple beers and gets in that “buzz” mode. The thing is, he’s not wanting to quit and he’s been completely open about that. I’ve been honest with him that it makes it more difficult for me but I haven’t asked him to quit. I have done that in the past and it just makes things worse. We are trying our best to respect each other’s personal Journey. Even though he still drinking he is very supportive of me in other ways. . When I was going through some more serious withdrawals and feeling super irritated he was definitely more patient and helpful around the house etc. He actually apologizes that he knows it doesn’t make it easy when he drinks but he’s just not there yet and it has to be his choice. I don’t know your situation at all, but other than his drinking my husband and I have an amazing relationship and he is an amazing father. There are some other threads on here about the same situation and I’m sure you’ll get some other responses (I’m not sure how to share other posts yet… I’ll take a look and work on that later 
)
What I can tell you from my experience is that it does get easier. In fact last night he had a few and I didn’t feel as irritated as I did grateful that I was of clear mind and especially that I was able to respond to my daughter in a more effective way than he was when we were discussing some specific issues she was dealing with. Anyway don’t know if that helps but please reach out if you want to chat more❤️
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Hi - welcome 
It doesn’t have to. His life is about him, and yours is about you. If you choose to live clear and healthy, without alcohol causing problems for you, then that is good for you - and what’s good for you is good for your relationships (including your marriage).
Part of being healthy - for anyone, not just people in recovery - is having healthy boundaries. We all need healthy boundaries about, for example, communication (which needs to be mutually respectful - not perfect, but respectful), time (which means we need respect for getting to bed on time, having time for self-care, having quality time for our significant other), health (which means having access to a safe place to live, generally healthy food - of course with desserts , necessary medical care, etc).
Your situation is simple: for a combination of reasons - real, legitimate, understandable reasons - you should not drink. Every time is the same and it has been for years: drinking leads to trouble. (This is understandable because alcohol is, literally, poison - but that’s not the point here. This isn’t about chemistry, it’s about healthy boundaries and healthy living.)
For this reason, you’ve made a choice not to drink. Your husband may actively support you, he may not say anything, he may not even really be thinking about it (it is possible that you’re worrying about it more than he is - I may be wrong but I just mention it as a possibility; just remember, he married you for you, not your drinking ). He may react or not react in many different ways: but the important thing is this is your choice, it doesn’t negatively affect him at all, and you can and should take some time to walk this path, and learn who you are, when you’re healthy. (She’s a great person. You’ll love getting to know her! It will take time but you’ll be glad you did.)
One day at a time. Keep checking in here and keep an open mind, keep learning.
I found this thread helpful in my early days:
I also find it helpful to check in when I feel like I need someone to share with, a group to share with, who understands:
Checking in daily to maintain focus #40
And when I need something cute I check out the pet threads:
Comment when you want to, like when you want to, and be gentle with yourself. It’s early days and the important thing is just taking time, reaching out for help, and letting the waves of life and emotion flow. (It will be ups and downs in the early days as your emotions flow up. It will pass )
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I would caution a suggestion of her having to go if you don’t know the complete dynamics of their relationship. My husband and I have a great relationship even though he still drinks and even though it makes it harder on me to be sober. I honestly would have been devastated if my first response when I wrote in about my struggles about my husband drinking was that I should just leave him. Obviously if the relationship isn’t healthy in other ways then nobody should stay in an unhealthy relationship. We’ve been honest to our daughter about the struggles we both have with alcohol. I think this honesty is important and will help her if she ends up dealing with addiction in her life. It’s more important for my daughter that she sees that we can work through this together and that we can support each other in our own struggles. It would be worse for my daughter if I just left, but of course that’s my situation. I think it’s important to realize that we don’t know what’s happening in this relationship other than the fact that it definitely makes it harder when one person is trying to be sober and the other isn’t.
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Sassy has a great thread about living sober and clear with a partner who still drinks:
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One thing I’ve known a few couples to do was talking with their spouse and being brutally honest that they’re trying to heal to be better for themselves, for him/her, for the family, and they just can’t be around it in the early days. Reaching an agreement to where they have their own space to drink if they want out of sight and out of mind. Reminding them that it’s early and too tempting at this stage of recovery to see it.
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I love this thank you! And I would love to chat more
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I understand i said if it was affecting thier sobriety they should go. If IT WAS AFFECTING THEIR SOBRIETY. Im sorry no one is worth messing up ur sobriety if she cant be around him cuz hes a drinker she should be able to go and do what makes her happy for her and her kids
And u chose to stay with that she says its hard for her and shes eorried because hes the bread winner and supports them she shouldnt have to feel stuck due to suporrting of the kids and bills
I absolutely agree, no one should stay because they feel stuck but that’s not what I was getting from the original post, (although of course we never know anyone’s specific situation) so I’m not suggesting to stay or to go. I’m just sharing my story and saying that if a relationship is great in every other way, it is possible to stay with someone who drinks. I don’t feel stuck in my relationship, but I want to stay because every other part of it is good. it definitely makes it more difficult for me that he drinks. Unfortunately that reason alone isn’t reason for me to leave, but yes, if I felt like I was trapped in a relationship then it would be important for me too get support.
I do not feel stuck at all I did t mean it in that way… I love him so much and he is a great man and father I am happy to hear I’m not alone with the struggle of being around someone who drinks but it has gotten a little easer 
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