Hey everyone,
Checking in. Been spewing and just feeling gross the last couple days. My own fault. Managed to get through today. Guess that’s what matter
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Hi Stacey, write this down, take pictures make a recording whatever. It’ll all help to play the tape through next time you feel like using.
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Hi guys, 
So I relapsed. I have a plan to try to get sober. I am officially on day 1 AGAIN!!! .
BUT I’m here, checking in. Because I actually want to try and get off everything. This time it was opiates. I just need to stop .
Who knows what will happen…
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What’s the plan Stacey?
Well going cold Turkey isnt working so gna do it possibly every like 10 day and then taper of it. Keep going to meetings and yeah.
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Hey girl; I admire your tenacity! I read your posts from last year and I can tell how good you felt. I’m glad you’re here. 
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I appreciate it lovely thank you!!
How are you going?
I’m doing good, thanks hun. Playing "Words with Friends " against my sister in MA. She’s mad cuz I’m winning!
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Go for gold lovely!!! #winning!!!
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Keep going 
we are strong. This is me to a T. Wish you all the strength to push you through the hardest time’s
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Hi Stacey,
Thanks for sharing your plan.
Here’s my two cents. The only time I think tapering down is appropriate is when the withdrawals are life threatening and are done under medical supervision.
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It’s a sneaky sneaky thing, addiction. Have you taken the time to sit down with someone and chart your addiction pathways? At my group we work on three important tools:
- Relapse scenarios (a scenario has four parts: a) Preconditions: these are feelings like Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired; then b) Personal Sobriety Challenges: these are thoughts that move you along on the relapse, like, “it’s just today” “I deserve this” “I’ve been good” “I can handle it” etc; then c) the relapse ‘staircase’, which is 6-7 steps you go through, your routine [I have the thought, I start planning, I text ___, … (fill in with the remainder of your personal rituals)]; then d) Consequences (probable consequences, and worst possible consequences))
- Fire Drill Planning (just like in school, a fire drill is what we do to plan ahead for when there is a dangerous situation: make a list of signs of trouble (these are the “alarms”, the things that indicate a potential relapse is coming), then make a list of practice steps you can use when those alarms happen (and you do these steps regularly to practice, just like a fire drill, as often as you need to, to remember - for example, call my sponsor, go to the mall), then make immediate action steps you can take when a fire happens, when you really feel yourself slipping (ex.: call my sponsor))
- A sobriety list: your abstinence list, which are behaviours that are part of your addiction and you are eliminating from your life; your boundaries list, which is slippery-slope behaviours that lead to addiction behaviours; and your healthy behaviours list, which is behaviours you’re cultivating as rewarding replacements for your addictive behaviours (we have to get that dopamine from somewhere, so getting it from cooking or gardening or hiking is better)
I found this exercise really helped me get a full awareness of my addiction, and my eyes opened up to how the relapses were happening. Maybe something like this could work for you too 
You’ve got this Stacey! You can do it 
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If I try go cold turkey the first three days I am basically physically out of action. I vomit I vibrate like it’s horrible. After three the physical symptoms have slowlsybinproved and get better each day, but as soon as my head is not focussed on how sick I am the mental game begins. I’ve been passed day three only twice ever so logic tells me I should be able to again with the knowledge I am capable. But the second time doing inwas harder than the first and I’ve tried stopping 100s of times and only 2 times got passed it (I may say 3 just incase I’m forgetting a time) but a handful of times out of 100s and everytime being significantly more difficult. So that’s the physical side. The mental game is the reverse to be honest. Day one I’m soaring on the promises, new life, clean mind, improved memory, improved social activity, physically feeling stronger and more awake. The first three days I gold onto that as closely as I can. So the mental game is not hard the first three days related to my reasons for using, but ince the physical torture is under control and diminished, day 5 and 6 are beautiful. I literally see things differently. They are more vibrant. I can smell and taste different like cant put my finger on it. But as day passes, the promises fade and I cant force myself to hold onto then anymore, I’m sort of just touching them as day six ends. And then day 7 hits and the mind games begin…the addict is louder than ever before. The bully in my brain mental health has helped introduce me to, is meaner and crueler and more assertive…scary like I’m a small child and have to do what it says. Once or twice I’ve been able to convince my…experience, that I am a grown woman…I can defend myself, I can take action against anyone who even tries to hurt me…and I win in that moment. But after the bully and the addict gang up on me and they laugh at me for my hope in sobriety they tear my character to shreds and my weaknesses become my only weapon…and its weak. So I use my skills and what I’ve learned but it doesnt work. I feel like I’m in the middle of two people standing either side of me discussing the awful things they will do and the awful person I am and it feels like they physically attack me and physically bruise me and my mind and will are bleeding, lying on the ground with no hope and no strength as though if I had just not tried to get clean, and just did what they said, I’d be high yes, I’d be sabotaging my physical reality yes. But the attackers are appeased and I my mind is not worse off for having tried. I’m not bruised or bleeding or feeling weak and helpless. And irrispecrive of this physical assault…I do try and try and tray again. And tapering is the only thing I havent given a go. Plus I’m trying with a friend who also wants to. It’s easier for me to motivate him to the right choice, I cant motivate myself (and the addict and bully) to do the right thing. And in strengthening his ability and will means he has strength to help me and I can talk to him about what’s happening for me and he can help. Tapering, in the sense of using for one day and then waiting 10 before I know I will again, means that atleast the addict is…not pleased, maybe slightly agitated…but appeased and not telling me to use all the time. And when it does I just tell it hey its only 8 more days, we will be getting high but for today we arwnt going to…and I get a sigh and a whatever but they sit down and are appeased. Then the bully in my mind is only one on one, and I can use my DBT skills t try rewire the bullies way of thinking. Helping him understand that’s not okay or true and teaching him what is. It’s an internal rewiting; a conversation of choices leading to death and choices leading to life and why he should choose, also just for today to not self sabotage and in ten days if you still feel the same well we can have a break and you can be right about the fact that I am weak and cannot change. But for today, let’s just sit down for a bit and focus on doing the next right thing. This combined creates space between me and them amd I cam function and energies myself and recharge for the fight. And eventually 10 days will become every 15 days and 20 days and 30 days, and then I’ll get a tag that says hey you can do it for a whole month and everything I’ve done in recharge time, without two menacing attackers, will give me my badge that says you’re a liar. I have a physical tag that tells me you’re a liar. Right now I have a day 1 (welcome tag). And having a 1 day tag when they’re both in full fledge assault mode, doesnt help me because all I’ll ever be is a one dater, and sure you’ve done 9 days but so what you’re still a one dater at heart just you wait and see. But 30 days…3p days is a badge of honor for me. One I have to work and prepare for so I can get a 3 month tag. But “look you’ve only done 30 days so what you’re still a one dayer, itll be back to day one soon enough…” Well that’s a lie because my new tag says otherwise and it has supporting evidence…you know?
Forgot to press send on this last night
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Day. 37, in a nice groove. Not really into the higher power that much. But something has changed dramatically. A drink disgusts me right now. I really love being sober. Have to stay sober today.
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And if you put the wrong fuel in you won’t be going anywhere. Problems come and go and as time goes by you will look at yourself and say, Hey I dealt with that really well instead of just freaking out like I used to. Problems shrink without a drink. 
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I totally understand this. Sleepless nights are my worst enemy. I just had one too.
You are an amazing storyteller Stacey. You bring the experience to life in a way everyone can relate to, not just here on the forum, but out with other groups of people too. You should write novels, short stories, children’s books. Join a storytelling workshop somewhere in your community (maybe a library, a coffee shop). I’m serious.
Here’s a photo I took a couple of months ago, that I think you might like. It inspires me in my recovery:
It’s a tree growing through a fence. For me, my past is the fence, and the tree is my recovery. I just imagine how proud the fence was when it was first installed, thinking, I set the rules here, I choose who gets to be in the park and who has to stay in the yard. I’m in charge.
The tree said, OK. And then grew a little bit every day. A little bit today, a little the next day, and the next. And the fence was proud and showing off: “I’m rustproof. And five feet tall. And I’m designed to last 100 years. I am the best fence around.”
And the tree said, OK. And grew a little more today and a little more the next day. And the fence was bragging about what a good job it did: “I keep the soccer ball from rolling into the yard. And I keep the dog from escaping to the park. Can you do that? You’re just a tree. You have only one spot on the ground. I’m 400 feet long.”
And the tree said, OK. And grew a little more today. And a little more the next day. Before long, the tree had grown through the fence, and everyone noticed how beautiful it was. All the children walking home from school, all the people walking their dogs, all the retirees enjoying a peaceful walk, commented on how green its leaves were, and how strong its branches were. It was alive, and growing, every day - and it made the world a beautiful place.
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This is what concerns me. This is the first time you shared about this. And I appreciate that. I’m concerned that this is your primary DOC because the withdrawal symptoms of opiates match what you’re going through.
Weed is not as life threatening as opiates. This stuff will kill you. My friends from church lost their 21 year old son to this. He was trying to stop, but made a bad choice. He took some in his room upstairs and it had too much fentanyl content and killed him. His 10 year old brother found him dead in his bed. This was last year.
Addiction can not be bargained with. Stay sober today. Don’t plan any relapses. And get more help if you need to.
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