Definitely… I know this will be hard to read but I have to say that I’m full of self-hatred… 
I hate my body and I thing it’s destroying me
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Here is a link to your local AA group. http://www.aa-riviera.org/ Meetings, whether online or in person, are a great way to fill hours that can otherwise be a trigger. When I got sober, I went to about 5 meetings per week, since at lunchtime and some in the evening.
I should think that in person meetings will be starting up soon near you. The link also includes a phone number for contact. Good luck and blessings on your house 
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Oh Kubozoa - that is so hard 
It’s hard when you feel out of place in your body. It’s a struggle with the self.
If you don’t mind me asking, have you felt this way for long? Was it with you before you started drinking?
As long as I can remember, my first self-hatred thought toward my body was when I was 6 yo. I clearly remember me telling myself “why my belly looks like a jelly?”… And I can tell now that there is two things wrong about that. First, the fact that I told myself that at 6 yo, second, the fact that I still remember more than 20 years later as if it was yesterday. And since that day, things have just worsen. And I’m pretty sure that all my addictions are a kind of “distraction” I impose to myself just to stop thinking. Because I have to say that today I definitely have a problem with alcohol and weed but from the age of 18 to the age of 25 I was addicted to more dangerous drugs. With medical help, I successfully stopped those substances but I unconsciously fell into other addictions…
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Day 7 : still No cannabis and no alcohol today.
But no consistent food and 3 bottles of diet soda.
I share this piece of information because for me it’s important to be self-conscious that my daily behavior prove that my brain isn’t in peace with me quitting addictive substances.
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I just want to say you are so strong and you can do anything you set your mind to. 
I can’t imagine how hard it must feel to try and control so many addictions. One step at a time. I believe in you
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You have a really good instinct for rhythm & rhyme - you have a whimsical playfulness in what you see and what you say. (In your posts above, too - you saw the chair in the mud and thought of a king, puzzling, out of place. You create playful incongruities naturally, smoothly, organically. Few people can do this. This is a strength for you: it helps other people to see the world in new ways, and to think and feel in new ways. It’s also fun - it’s a gift. You are like Louise Bourgeois.) When I read this I laughed with pleasure, with the pleasure of hearing song, and music - the music of words. It is a really good rhyme, but also poignant: I can see you, 6 years old, wishing you were something other than what you saw.
Wanting to not be what we are, is heartbreaking. So many of us in addiction wrestle with exactly this. We want to not be here, not feel what we feel, not sense what we sense, not be where we are.
I wonder if the sand ever aches to not be sand: “I’m too grainy.” Or if a iris is ashamed of its bloom: “I’m gangly, I’m floppy.” Or if a cat ever says, “My fur is ugly.”
I guess I’ll never know; I’ve tried to talk to my mother’s cats and all they do is cuddle up in my lap and purr. I could probably learn some lessons from them: they look so comfortable.
Earlier this month a group of us here on Talking Sober were reading a book together called Opening the Doors of Your Heart (by Ajahn Brahm). There were 8 or 9 of us who read it, and there were many stories in the book, and we had limited time to talk and had to choose just a few to discuss in our group. Nearly all of us in the group chose the first story: “Two bad bricks”. If you have a minute, read it yourself (at the link above): the story is the first in the book; it’s in the first chapter [Perfection and Guilt], on page 5. I think you’ll like it.
We are amazing creatures. We grow: it’s in our nature. We grow, like flowers, like trees, like grass, like animals. Growth is a process; learning is a process; it’s an ever-advancing process. We’re always becoming something. We’re amazing.
We are so many things. We are certainly imperfect. But it’s from that imperfection - that playful, creative incompleteness; that incongruity - that we create. And that is the most fully human thing of all.
You have a remarkable creative, visionary power Kubozoa. You see the potential in things; you create, you generate new truths, you take the mundane and make it marvellous:
Who you are, in mind and in body, is enough, right now. You are good enough. You are welcome, and appreciated, and treasured - always, no matter what. And more important than that: you are enough for yourself. You belong, exactly as you are, no fixing required. You’re allowed to feel uncertain, you’re allowed to feel incomplete. It’s ok. The feeling comes sometimes, and it will pass.
You are a good person, and you belong. You deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
So what’s on the agenda today? 
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Thank you so so much for all this kind and meaningful words. First, I’ll definitely read the book you suggested. 
Thank you for that.
And gosh what you wrote about sand and cats hit me like a rock. This is so damn true! Why us as humans can’t stop whishing to be someone else or looking different? Why is it so important? Who cares? Well… Obviously I care for now. But why?
In a way it’s a self-centered way of living life and it’s kinda sad… When we think about it there is something a little selfish in addictions. Not necessarily in a mean or in a bad way. Selfishness is not always completely bad. But yes, addictions are self-centered and it’s sad because there’s not just me in this world. I should open my eyes to what exists without even questioning its own existence : nature, flowers, animals, some other humans around there
I’ll write all this thoughts down. I’m sure it’ll help in some ways.
Today for me it’s working day with zoom meetings (gosh I hate those…) but this evening I’ll go enjoy a walk in the sun
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That sounds lovely! Enjoy yourself tonight with the sunshine and the sea breeze. Nature is wonderful
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How was your walk?
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This aspect of humanity is a part of our sentience and it encourages us to improve our selves and our situations - even though it is a curse and the source of our depression and image issues, it will also be the part of us that drives our recovery and ultimately helps us to retain our sobriety.
Just as our teeth can bite our tongue and cause us pain, they are also crucial to our survival.
I haven’t learned yet how to cultivate these feelings as well as I’d like to, but I think that they can be a tool for our healing!
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Very nice
Day 8 : no weed but sadly I couldn’t resist to a glass of wine with a friend. But I managed to say no to a second one. Honestly I don’t know if it’s a win or a lost. I tend to consider this as a lost but not as worse as it could have been
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There’s an English collocation:
“recover your balance”
If you lose your balance, you need to recover it: when you’re walking, when you’re dancing, when you’re doing yoga, etc etc.
I’m not sure how much that has been used to talk about recovery from addiction, but it certainly applies. Addiction is the definition of imbalance, and recovery is about finding balance and maintaining it.
Being sober and present in your life, not running away trying to escape; being present and accepting in a healthy way - I am me, and I belong here, and I can grow here, and I have exactly what I need - is a journey.
Honesty is absolutely fundamental; you can’t grow without being honest with yourself, and with the people who are supporting you on your journey. It takes courage to be honest: you are courageous.
Hmmm: insightful, imaginative, courageous. I wonder what other strengths we’ll find in you as you continue your sober journey?
How was your day today?
Sorry for not answering those two days. Actually I fainted at work last Friday so I spent a couple of days at the hospital. This has nothing to do with my addictions or whatsoever. I’m just working with solvents and I might have been a little intoxicated. But now everything’s OK. I was not really at risk, just felt dizzy.
So obviously those past days, no addictive substances 
Day 9, 10 : no drug, no alcohol and no binge.
Hope y’all had a great weekend!
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Glad you’re ok
10 days sober -
Congratulations champ!
You should treat yourself with something like a nice scented bath, a visit to a museum (or something else you find interesting), or maybe a hike on the Massif des Calanques (is there good hiking there? It looks like there might be in the pictures from above). You deserve it
Wow! That can be pretty strong stuff sometimes. What do you do for work? You said above it can be stressful.
Thank you so much I actually bought myself some clothes as a reward 
And guess what? Day 11 : still sober and no weed. (but still struggling with food)
I work in medical research. I’m working on finding a treatment for a pediatric rare disease. But scientific research means chemical products…
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Congratulations Every sober day is a win 
Medical research is fascinating. The work transforms our world by helping us to live more fully, and be healthier and more present. It is thankless, unglamorous work, often, but it is important
I am familiar with the feeling of working with chemicals daily. I work in paint sales & retailing, and part of the work includes working with sometimes powerful chemicals (Xylene, Acetone, etc etc). I can remember a few spills that were hard to handle 
I didn’t know you like fashion! Do you have a favourite style or era?
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Yes I have to admit that I like my job even if it’s part of my daily problems because I seem to not be able to manage stress properly.
You know what? I work with the same exact chemicals everything that includes industrial chemistry is based on the same toxic products. Apparently last Friday I fainted due to poorly filtered methanol vapors.
Hmmm I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about fashion but I must admit that I gained weight during lockdowns so now I have to buy me some clothes if I want to wear something else than pyjamas … But I have to wear stylish clothes. On a daily basis I have a “skater sportswear” style. Not sure that makes any sens but yeah I like being stylish
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