Daily Gratitude - Recovery from Porn Addiction


#42

I’m 34 days clean today. This is the second longest streak I’ve gone without giving in to the porn/lust that used to be my DOC. Anyway, I figured I’d better show some gratitude for reaching this milestone.

  1. I’m thankful for the App “SA Speakers.” It has a lot of recorded seminars and speeches from people who have worked their 12-step programs and have come to understand, in great detail, the issues that sex-based addicts face. After a difficult spat with my wife the night before last, I put on my headphones and listened to a couple of speakers while I worked. It really helped to feel that I was not alone and not crazy listening to these people testify about the low points in their lives and the redemption they’ve experienced. It also helped me to take a step back and affirm my addictive behaviors and the toll they take on our relationship rather than always casting blame.

  2. My son takes little field trips during the day while he is at daycare. Yesterday he came to visit me in my office(it’sa short walk), along with the provider and a few other littles. Is was great to see his face light up when he saw me and the big hug he gave me was just what I needed while I was feeling down about the testy exchange with my spouse.

  3. I am thankful for the help of friends and neighbors. One of them is an accomplished master carpenter and he has been a huge help in building the woodshed that will help keep my family warm through the long winter. I am blessed to have so many helpful people nearby.


#43

Ok, 37 days clean at the moment. Feeling good at this juncture despite some intense cravings. I’ve been able to remember my breathing and to be able to “feel the pull” to act out but to make the wiser choice. Not today, just not today.

I think I’ve been irritable. Small verbal scuffles between my wife and I, however, I feel I was able to curb a complete blowout by choosing to communicate as best as I could what was troubling me. I’m starting to think that my mind is trying to focus on every problem there ever was, to get my stress levels up, to get me to use. Does that make sense?

Anyway, here’s what I am grateful for today:

  1. I worked most of the day in the sunshine. I learned some great construction techniques from my neighbor in the process.

  2. I’m thankful for hide and seek. There’s nothing quite as joyful as the squealing laughter of a 3 year old who’s trying to play a trick on you.

  3. My son is super stoked about Halloween. He is going as part of a superhero trifecta with a couple other kids he knows. He’ll be Gecko from PJ Masks. He has been putting it on every day and showing it off to everyone who comes to visit. :lizard:


#44

40 days without porn. I feel like the brain fog is just starting to relinquish it’s hold. The cravings still come, but I feel strong right now. I know there will be tests ahead. There will be things that will make me want to reach for comfort. So, I must keep going one day at a time.

Things I am grateful for today:

  1. I did an early morning workout yesterday. It definitely set my intentions for the day and my body feels great. The health challenge group I am a part of has been great for keeping me accountable. I know that my physical health and my porn use are directly correlated. It has been a very effective method to tie my physical health to my addiction. If I stay active and engaged I will curb the crave to cave. Besides, the further I go with improving my health, the more confidence I’ll have, which will also help to keep me out of my guilt/shame cycle.

  2. I am getting a septic system installed soon. Our new home needed this upgrade and shower privileges will soon be reinstated…at least I hope so.

  3. When we put our son to bed, we say prayers. It’s always been the same prayer, one that my wife used to say as a child. I’ve taken the opportunity to expand the prayer with an additional custom prayer for the day most evenings. It’s been helpful to connect with my higher power in front of my son. I feel that spirit when my heart is open and I’m speaking sincerely. Also, it’s been great seeing him take up the habit once in a while too. The other night, at dinner, he said a prayer of his own after we blessed the meal. It was totally hilarious in some ways and really sincere in others. But it offered such a window into his little mind and the troubles he has being so young and fresh in this world.


#45

I just saw this thread for the first time, and I thought I would join in gratitude as well.

Right now, the only thing coming to my mind is this: I am thankful I have another chance; I often feel like I don’t deserve yet another one, but I am thankful for it and happy to work hard again. :slight_smile:


#46

You always deserve another chance. How many? 70 times 7. How much is that? 480 chances? No. 7 was a Hebrew symbol for perfection and wholeness. In other words, you have as many chances to repent and perfect yourself as it takes. Christ doesnt give up on you, ever.


#47

Haha thanks @rmgrimmer! That makes me feel a bit happier about my current circumstances; and your right. I need to remember this when times get tough haha


#48

Rob is right. You’re not judged by your perfection. We are all flawed and seeking to fill the God sized hole inside ourselves. I believe you’re judged by how you get back up after a tumble.
I can be my worst critic. I came to find out that it doesn’t do me any good. Belittling myself with shame and guilt is counterproductive. Approach your addict self with love in your heart and you’ve got the main ingredient in the recipe for success.


#49

42 days

We’ve had some dreary days and it looks like there’s more to come. Took the opportunity to run 3 miles on the treadmill yesterday at one of my best paces. Averaged about 8 minutes a mile.

Here’s my gratitude for the day:

  1. I feel the benefits of my workout routine paying off. Feel stronger and my clothes fit better. It gives a little boost to my confidence.

  2. I can afford new tires for my old truck.

  3. I ate lunch with my parents today. I’m happy to have them nearby to provide love and support. I’m happy they were able to achieve their dream of retiring in a place they love, which I also get to call home.


#50

My Gratitude Today:

  • I am thankful for complete strangers (who are good people and care enough about others) to help those around them. I wish to be like these people some day; goals start somewhere haha

  • I am thankful that I have a calling in my church, because I get to be involved in helping others, and sharing a bit of my talents with them.

  • I am thankful I came to this app, and am beginning to see small (but simple) changes that are coming as a result. Many acorns grow mighty oaks…

  • I am also thankful for the talent in technology, which has landed me a full job at my age and given me a chance to get ahead in my life (which should help my future family be ahead, I hope).


#51

Thanks again for the pep talk. I took some time to think about this, and I feel that - not only is it true and sound - but possible to add to my life. Thanks again for helping me pick myself back up; I have been needing that again; something else I am grateful for!


#52

You’re welcome Tyler, I’m glad to be of some help. This is a sneaky addiction. I’ve learned a lot through my mistakes and I’m always happy to share and encourage my brothers and sisters on this journey.


#53

Ok 43.5 days clean,

I’m having a relaxed Saturday evening at home with my son. Mama is at work. Folding laundry while I watch a movie. All is quiet, a minor suggestion from my addict brain was pretty easily swatted away.

Today I am thankful for:

  1. Lessons from the people in our lives that teach us patience and cause us to step back and observe our behavior. I think I need to be more diligent about the way I start my days with intention on the weekends. Even if it’s a little rainy.

  2. My physical abilities. I want to remind myself that I shouldn’t take for granted the things I am capable of and the blessings that have sustained me to this point on my life.

  3. My pooch. Today he “helped” me build a woodshed by making sure the sheeting didn’t blow away.


#54

So once a year (or twice a year, I can’t rememeber haha) my church does a Stake wide meeting instead of a regular Ward level meeting. That happened to be this weekend for me. On Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon, I has able to hear from many leaders all speak and testify and give advice, some of which stuck with me and helped on my outlook a bit more. With this as a background (and I apologize right now if this is a bit of a religious post), I am thankful for a few things:

  1. My Religion. I feel stronger when I leave, and happier than when I went in. I love the spirit I feel :slight_smile:

  2. My friends. I had one friend who was in the choir this time around, and he did well. When he wasn’t making eye contact with me, I was being nudged by another who wants to go to the Temple with me sometime (a sacred church building in our religion). I told him a have a few more weeks to become worthy, but he was completely cool with it and we tentatively have a day. So that’s cool!

  3. My family. I still haven’t talked much with them about my problems, but spending time with them was good this week. I feel more ready than before for the week, and we were able to coordinate schedules a bit.

Thanks for sticking though the whole thing. Guess I am thankful for this also :slight_smile: Have a great night!


#55

Thanks for the second gratitude item; it is a good reminder for me as well.


#56

46 days clean.

I’m feeling awful today. Just here to try to redirect and win the day.

I could focus on the recent spat with my wife, which is weighing pretty heavily on my mind. Instead I’m going to find something to be positive about. Overanalyzing our relationship isn’t going to make things better.

I am grateful for:

  1. Working together with people who share different viewpoints. Life isn’t really lived if I only seek out affirmations of my opinions from like minded people. Sometimes we must roll up our sleeves and find a way to get things done even though disagreements might be in store.

  2. My health, I’ve dropped 8.5 lbs without changing my life drastically. I’ve just been journaling my food intake and calories and being accountable to a group of people seeking to improve their own health. I can feel the benefits in my body and it has definitely helped me to practice impulse control by making healthier diet and exercise choices.

  3. Vacation. Feeling a little stagnant at work and I know that has resulted in too much screen time. I need to unplug for a bit and have some good conversations with good friends.


#57

I’m at 48 days today. Checkin in.

There’s been some battles between my wife and I lately. Divorce has been discussed. We are currently sleeping in separate rooms. Have been for a couple of night now. In spite of all of that, we’ve still been civil and we did have fun as a family trick or treating with our son and his friends last night. I think there is a lot of issues between us that I was ignoring by using porn. Now all of these unresolved emotions are bubbling to the surface and I am starting to realize I am being unreasonable to expect that she deal with all her baggage immediately.

Regardless of all this, I’m feeling ok. I have been a little lax in allowing myself to click some articles about celebrities Halloween costumes that I shouldn’t have. Trying to get back on track by reminding myself how good life is when I am clean.

So here’s the gratitude:

  1. I am thankful for the fun we had last night. This was my son’s first Halloween where he could really engage in trick or treating and comprehend the activity. One house had a spider that operated on a sensor and moved whenever someone came near. We were walking with 3 kids under 4 and it terrified them. They all ran screaming and my stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

  2. I am able to find some peace when I feel the rising pulse and the voice of the addict gets louder. Visualization and finding my breath is really helpful.

  3. I’m about to go for a walk in the woods while doing my job on this sunny fall day. I am looking forward to it. I know I need to get away from the internet connection for a while.


#58

I’m at 51 days in a couple of hours.

I’ve been having some rough days lately. Cravings yesterday were at an all time high. But I’m not using. I’m going to continue to focus on my sobriety and try to control the unbelievable irritability I’ve been experiencing. I know that my mind is currently looking for any excuse to get me to engage in pmo. I also know that I will survive if I continue to speak truth to that voice inside my head. It wants dopamine and life is going to feel a bit dull until I can retrain the ol’ noodle.

Here’s some gratitude for the day:

  1. I am a hunter. It is one of my favorite ways to experience nature. It is a very quiet activity that gives me a lot of time to overthink. It was tough yesterday because that time alone without any stimulus made the addict very active. I spent a lot of time thinking about my marriage and spent a lot of time trying to deflect the negative thoughts surrounding it. I kept reminding myself of the damage I inflicted with my addiction and how the addict effectively abandons their partner to chase the high. All that thought did come up with one idea I shared with my wife. I need to be more mindful in the bedroom. I need to work on separating my lustful thoughts from my compassionate thoughts. I need to make sex an act of love and not an act of lust.

  2. When I am in in the thralls of addiction I isolate and I tend to avoid positive touch. Maybe I’ve been conditioned to touching myself, maybe I don’t feel like I deserve it. The farther I go with sobriety the more I’m beginning to recall how good positive forms of touch can feel. Snuggling, hugging, kissing my wife were all things I felt an obligation to do with my wife but not something I took the time to appreciate myself. I did it for her, to appease her, and to fulfill her needs. I’m starting to understand that I need it. I need to create time for it and to take a moment to appreciate her partnership and to be grateful to have her in my life to support me. I have spent 8 years pushing her away to create space to use porn.

  3. I’m a hot mess. But I am thankful for the clarity to recognize that. One way to deal with it is to go back into the fog and ignore the mess. The other path is to shake loose the cobwebs and dive in with both hands to begin cleaning it up. It’s scary because we never know what we’re going to uncover or how life is going to look when we’ve left our old ways behind. I know that it will be worth it to continue to choose sobriety day after day. I pray that I will continue to find the strength to make the right choice regardless of the difficulties that life can bring.


#59

Way to be man!

  1. I’m grateful for my mom being honest and supportive while I attempt to stay sober.
  2. Where I live is beautiful and I get to ski most days.
  3. I’m grateful for still being alive.

#60

Thanks Keller,

Life, nature, and family. What more is there?


#61

53 days clean.

I’m thankful for warmth and a roof over my head on cold, rainy days.

I’m so grateful for the gift of my son. He’s currently 3.5 yo and he gave me the best hug this morning when he woke up. While he was still in my arms, we happened to spot a couple of deer browsing in the yard.

I’m thankful that I have a couple of places where I can feel safe to be vulnerable. That I have a place to share and to feel supported.

I’m doing all that I can to stay busy. Porn is not an option. Today I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep because of my brain replaying all the unanswered questions I have surrounding my wife and our future together.

I have to accept the things I cannot change. I can’t change that she cheated on me. I can’t change that she has lied to me. I can’t change the traumas she’s faced. I can’t change the mistakes I made that drove a wedge between us and made her feel alone. I can’t change the choices she’s made.

I can only change my approach, I can change the way I address my partner. I do not have to keep repeating my mistakes. I can find compassion by acknowledging that she is doing the best the she can with the tools at her disposal. I can choose to be calm and not to allow the pain of the wound to dictate my response. I can choose to stay if my sobriety proves to be the main problem in our relationship (which is likely) or I can choose to leave if those questions aren’t answered and my needs are not met.

I can make this choice when I’ve reached 6 months sober. In a week, I’ll have 2 months under my belt. By Valentine’s Day I should have the clarity I need to know the path ahead.

To be honest, I’m terrified. I am afraid that the hopes and dreams that my wife and I have created together will never come to fruition. I am afraid that this house we’ve bought together will never get to be the home I’ve fantasized about; brimming with love, our children, and abundance. I despise the thought of giving up and admitting failure. I think that pain of the thought that things might not work out is causing me to want to run back to the comfort of my DOC a lot lately.

I keep telling myself that the pain will not go away if I give in to the addict. It will only be numbed and I’ll have wasted more time. I’ve already squandered so much. I take heart in knowing that one way or another, I still have time to manifest the hopes and dreams if I remain clean. Just maybe not with her. I can’t stop loving her…but I don’t have to remain in a relationship filled with battle scars and emotional pain. We’ve done so much to destroy each other, I don’t know if we can rebuild.