Not sure this is the appropriate place for this post, but since I’m brimming with gratitude today, and since this is my “home thread”, this feels like the place.
I’m grateful I acknowledged to myself, 59 days ago, that I needed sobriety – that alcohol would rule my life if I let it. The first six weeks were tough. I felt like I was out of breath, chasing my sobriety and barely keeping up to it. There was the ever-present dialogue throughout the day, me telling the cravings I would not give in after work. Eyeing my then-beloved’s drink (3oz of rum in each? but who’s counting…) in the evening when he left the room for a moment. Considering a sip, though I hate rum. The dinner party/gathering we went to where I didn’t drink, but longingly sniffed the wine, and when the host poured us all a shot of her homemade crabapple vodka/whatever, I let it touch my lips, licked them, pretended I didn’t like it and gave it to my beloved, secretly wishing I had shot it back.
It all felt so tenuous.
But, those days were fruitful too. I’m grateful I can see that now. I came back here. I doubled down on counselling with new honesty. I started Recovery Dharma, going to 3 online meetings each week in my Sangha (group) and attending other meetings as well. I accepted that I couldn’t do recovery and stay in this new-ish relationship, and was relieved when he, in turn, accepted a job in another city. He left a little over a month ago, and we had our break-up conversation some 3 weeks ago, which I thought went well.
(TW): Only a few days later, break-up rehash conversations happened, while at work even. He said words (ring, future, disappointment, heartache, etc) and I went back to the place in my mind where I fuck up everyone I meet and everything I touch. Fucked up if I stay (though I did briefly consider this route, becoming the co-dependent wino stepmom), and fucked up if go (so destructive am I). No mental escape from either, and on the way home from work, I picked up a craft cider, a bottle of prosecco, and a bottle of red. Got home and drank the cider. Surreal. I stopped. Grabbed the dog girl’s leash and headed for our trails. Walked. Cried. Back home and called my pal with the cabin. Booked an SOS with counsellor. Bathed. Poured the wine down the sink. Both bottles.
And something in me shifted.
I woke. Worked. Went to my Dharma mtg. Had my counselling session. Disclosed it all to them.
Some might call it a slip, unworthy of a reset. But I was grateful to reset. Like I said, something in me profoundly, pivotally shifted when I poured out that wine. One of the Dharma friends said “we don’t lose what we’ve already gained” and I heard those words differently than I have before. I was no longer chasing after my sobriety. Rather, some 8-plus months ago, I threw down my work gloves, the shovel, and walked off the job. 59 days ago, when I came back here, I thought I was starting over. Breaking new ground. But after pouring out that wine? That felt like coming back to a job already started, waiting patiently for me. The gloves are already broken in and they still fit. I’ve upgraded the tools, and will continue to for the rest of my life.
And so I chose my date, and reset my counter on July 7 – pretty much 8 months since leaving here, and six weeks after returning. It might sound silly, but I’m so proud of the last 17 days. I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for the shaky six weeks before them. For the sober stretch I had before that. I’m grateful that this has been my journey. I’m grateful for the pair of my Dad’s work gloves I have, all broken in, reminding me I can do this.
I’m grateful today I woke up with a smile. I’m M-be-free 52 years old today! I’m grateful it’s the third birthday I’ve celebrated sober. I’m grateful for calls and texts from pals today. I’m grateful for my mtg tonight. I’m grateful that covid meant I had to make new traditions on my birthday, and it turns out the dog girl and I like to split a soft serve ice cream cone once a year on this day! (Not gross, when you consider I’ve kissed boys in my life.
)
I’m grateful I wrote a list of 52 things I’m grateful for in my journal. I’m grateful this thread made the list.
I’m grateful, as always, for another day. 
) 3 months sober!
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