Thank you @Chiron and @PinkyP
Happy Birthday @SassyBoomer
I’m grateful to be able to reflect on my past today without beating myself up over things that I wish I would have done different. Instead of beating myself up over it, today I’m able to appreciate the lesson and try to practice what I have learned.
I’m grateful for clarity. I’m grateful I don’t blame myself for things I had no control over today. I’m grateful to accept responsibility for the mistakes I’ve made. I did the best I could with what I had to work with.
I used to blame life. Life is hard! Life sucks! I have spent so much of my life not appreciating life, not seeing its magic. I’m grateful that recovery has given me the ability to look beyond how hard it can be. I’m grateful I can see the pleasure and not focus on the pain. Drugs and alcohol used to help me with that. Until it turned on me. Then, it would take a perfectly good day and twist my perception. It would make me focus on how hard life is. How much it sucked! It made me focus on what I didn’t like. Who I didn’t like, and how much I didn’t like it.
If I was “rewarding” myself for a good days work, or a successful fishing trip, or whatever the excuse of the day was, that I justified “rewarding” myself with a drink. Once the alcohol started entering my bloodstream it often changed my focus to how hard life is. Then, I would drink at the things that made life hard. My boss, the X-wife, the evil step dad, my traumatic childhood, the economy, whatever or whoever was getting my attention for life being hard that day. It told me I might as well be a drunk.
Alcohol made it so I couldn’t do anything positive about it. I either got so drunk I couldn’t feel, or my rebellious nature would act out. I would pour gasoline onto the fire and make life even harder. Today I still have my rebellious nature. I’m grateful for it. Its one of my favorite qualities about myself. Alcohol made it reckless. Clarity of mind and being sober keeps me in check. I laugh about my ideas instead of acting out on them. I no longer wake up to OMG I cant believe I did or said that. I no longer have to clean up after myself. Recovery gives me voice of reason. Alcohol feeds voice of destruction. I’m grateful for voice of reason.
I shared a few weeks ago how I quit a fishing gig because My buddy was being reckless and making foolish decisions on the water. He talked like he wanted to get clean, but clearly wasn’t. Then, I got on a different boat right in front of him the next day. That’s my rebellious nature acting out in a positive way. I was laughing my ass off as we launched to boat. I also protected myself. I quit putting my safety in jeopardy because I don’t think he was sleeping in between trips.
In the past I would have rolled with it. I most likely would end up not sleeping in between trips.
I’m grateful that I sleep in between trips. I have been sleeping really good. I’ve been having vivid dreams. I’m grateful for good sleep.
After we got back from the trip I ditched my buddy on. I got fired from that boat because the boat owner had gotten the wrath of my drunken Facebook messages six or seven years ago. I was wearing my headcam, and it was recording. He was shaking mad, spitting. He said word for word what I had told him. I wont say it here because its pretty offensive. I watched the footage earlier. It was really funny. I thought he sure is lucky that I quit drinking. That footage would have ended up on Facebook that night.
He deserved what I told him. Alcohol gave me the courage to say what needs to be said sometimes. reflecting on it sober today. I’m glad I don’t do that anymore. I’m grateful that voice of reason keeps me in check. I deleted the footage after a good laugh.
In the end it all worked out for the best. My buddy running that boat is spun too. He is another person who talks like they want to get clean, but isn’t there yet. He runs with all the tweaker scum. I saw him sneaking rips of his spoof pipe. Its sad. Both of them are people I like and care about. I cant save anyone. I’ve already done what I can. I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing. Living by example. If they reach out, I’ll be there. I wont place myself at risk doing it. I’m grateful to understand healthy boundaries.
I haven’t talked any shit about them. Its a small town. People are nosey. As a drunk, I loved talking shit! Today I just say I’m a free agent. I fished with them for fun. Its none of their business. Even with my previous employer. I don’t have to tell people I got tired of fishing with a reckless drunk. I’m a free agent is simple, and its the truth. There aren’t any follow up questions. It doesn’t pour gasoline on the fire. I’m grateful I have learned an easier way.
Yesterday I reflected on a lot of things. What my first day of coming too was like. I was miserable! I was in paradise. I spent the entire day walking on eggshells. I heard about what a jerk I was all day. I was feeling sorry for myself. Life is hard! Life sucks!
Today, I feel grateful. Life is hard, it does not suck! Life is awesome! I’m grateful for a huge shift in perception. I’m grateful for voice of reason. I’m grateful to be in recovery!
I treated myself to an egg McMuffin and a sweet tea for breakfast. Not especially healthy but if you can’t let go on your birthday then when can you?
wishing you many more happy, healthy and sober birthdays to come 
