My boyfriend broke up with me tonight because I haven’t spent much time with him since I’ve gotten sober. I guess I can’t blame him. I’ve explained to him so many times that I even I am having a hard time understanding what’s going on with me. This is all new for me. I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I love him so much and I don’t want to be without him. I’ve never been in a relationship while sober. Alcohol isn’t there to suppress the bad. I’ve been in so many toxic, abusive relationships. I’ve been used, beaten, taken advantage of sexually, left for dead, humiliated by other men. I used alcohol to repress all those memories and negative emotions but now I have to confront them and my head and heart are a mess. I don’t want to lose him but it’s not fair to him to ask him to stay. He was drunk tonight when he broke up with me. He said “I was there for you forever and all you did was make me feel like shit” I don’t know how to make him understand what I’m feeling. I am so afraid to relapse. If I do it will literally kill me. My liver is one fuck up away from the point of no return. I ruined my life drinking and now I feel like I’m still messing things up by stopping. Wtffff 
You know, when I read this I feel you. There is contradiction in this situation. In order to be able to love and be loved fully and healthily, you have to get healthy (mentally and physically) yourself. You have work to do, as you so clearly state and see. Like putting on the oxygen mask yourself first, before you can be there for others. It is no solution to now just be there for him, and let your progress get hurt in the process. You are working on yourself to be able to do love right. It sucks he is not at the place to see that. Sometimes you have to lose eachother to be able to become the people that can find eachother again. And sometimes you just take different paths.
Arghhhhh 
Your heart is breaking. It hurts… it hurts.
You’re right that booze won’t help (obviously). There is absolutely no way it will help anything.
Also - and this is harder to see now but it is there - a relationship doesn’t fill the void either. As you said,
The relationship that needs work now is your relationship with yourself. A relationship is about walking through life - that’s the whole thing right? A relationship is “this is me walking through life’s emotional challenges with ____ and facing the challenges, not running away or escaping” (because facing those challenges and learning from them is what builds a strong relationship (not a dependency relationship; a strong relationship is two generally healthy independent people who choose to grow a life together, not because they have to but because they want to) - so the fundamental relationship, the one that is the foundation for every other relationship in your life, is “this is me walking through life’s emotional challenges with myself and facing the challenges, not running away or escaping”.
You feel like everything’s falling apart but what’s actually happening is you’re cleaning up and getting your house in order inside yourself. You’re at the very beginning of your relationship with yourself. You’ve never done this before, so there are years and years of repressed emotions and thoughts and memories that will burst out. Like you said,
Totally normal. It will be a lot, as all that repressed stuff comes up, but the only way out is through. You have to do this, and seek out all the healthy support you can get, to find your path. Reach out here on Talking Sober, join a recovery group (in person or online, there’s groups basically 24 hrs a day) where you can find people who understand (like these Resources for our recovery and www.InTheRooms.com and Online meeting resources and if you search “marathon AA meeting” there’s lots of links to 24 hr meetings), find the support so you’re not alone.
You have to spend time with yourself and live life without numbing or escaping. It’s ok to grieve your boyfriend leaving. It is heartbreaking - it is. And even though it’s hard to say and hard to hear, this happens. (I know it’s hard.) But you have to reach out to healthy supports (like here and at the links above) and find people who will listen, and then start processing your feelings and thoughts, with their mentorship and support. It will get better. Stick with it and it will get better.
We’re here for you. You are not alone. You matter, and you belong.
I found out when i got sober who really loved me. Those that stuck around as I changed my life style, really loved me…those who left…were never really there for me.
Grieve the loss of your relationship. Keep sober, it gets better. I have had one relationship sober…the one I am in…and its pretty darn special.
Keep being sober!
Wow thank you so much 
This community has been one of the biggest factors in my sobriety’s success compared to my last attempt. I so appreciate your advice and kind words.
I’m hoping someday he will be at that place. Not even for my benefit but for his own. Thank you 
Stay strong, lady! Gotta focus on healing you! Get some therapy and join an online recovery community for support with some online meetings. The more support you have from others in recovery the better!
Congratulations on your sobriety and finding your special person! 
I will definitely be keeping sober, I didn’t come this far for nothin:slightly_smiling_face: I’m trying to be thankful for every part of this journey, even the parts that make me sad. I know it’s all for the best.
You are strong and you will get through this terrible time and we are all here for you. I agree with all the comments about embracing a new relationship with yourself, forming new friendships with people who will support you on your sober journey.
I suppose it would be easier if getting sober just turned life into a happy ever after bed of roses story, but the reality is far different.
Getting sober ends the future consequences that use of alcohol would have caused for us, but every other past memory, present heartache and future challenge still remains for us. Mental health is often a big one.
When it comes to relationships and sobriety there are few easy answers and we cannot make anyone feel something that they don’t. You are in fact the one leopard who did change the color of its spots and everyone else around may struggle to adjust…
I’m so sorry that he reacted that way. 
Oh girl, you are definitely not messing up your life getting sober. You are OPENING up your life…beginning your life. Sobriety ADDS unlike alcohol, which TAKES AWAY.
I am sorry your bf isn’t on board, but just my own experience as an older woman who has been thru a lot of men, sexual abuse, humiliation and other stuff too…you deserve someone who can be there fully for you. You deserve love and care. And you know who can give you the most love? YOU. You are so worthy of your own love. And I think that you choosing sobriety is going to help you heal and own your strength and beauty and confidence. Yeah, I get it, break ups hurt, and now you have time to really focus on YOU and your sobriety and growing into the strong beautiful capable person you are. Sometimes we really can achieve more without having a man in the picture, when we learn our own inner strength. That is my wish for you. Hope to see you around here more!!
I’m in awe of your strength in reaching out. I can relate I have been through relationship troubles in sobriety. I thought it would fix them abracadabra style. Not so, unfortunately. There was one exception, and it was great, but unfortunately I lost 5 years-because of me. I own that. Sometimes others find it difficult to accept the new you, especially early in sobriety, which I am as well- once again. At first they may be pleased but then they see the work and pain and joy, up and downs , the roller coaster ride of all rides. You and that your commitments have shifted. As long as you keep your house in order, you will come out the other end of the pain you are experiencing. You really will. I’ve been through a boyfriend who was jealous of the program. I’ve had people extremely close to me, but not alcoholic, get way too far into my business to do with AA. I understood the headline immediately.
This is painful. My addiction pushed the only person in my life who seemed to accept me for me, faults and all.
Little did I know that there was a score to this relationship. Everytime I slipped a notch went up on the board. Those notches eventually caused a rift and my significant other to begin building a wall between each of us. They began to do things they enjoyed, alone.
In early addiction everytime I attempted sobriety I said I was doing it for them. Little did I know that also meant I didn’t want it for me.
Fast forward to today, now I’m doing this for me. F everyone who doesn’t support me. If they can’t be willing to understand my journey, even if it means asking questions and respecting my boundaries while protecting their own, I no longer need them in my life.
It’s not impossible to build a community while going through this because so many people live with this.
The way I look at it now is “if I’m not 100% I’m not going to be able to give 100%, and by falling short of 100% I’m a risk to myself and others. Confidence in self is attractive and it attracts those who are also working to be the same way.”
I hope this helps even just a little.