Day 50 - Advice for going to Parties sober

Advice & Questions
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Hi guys, I hope you’re all keeping safe & well!

I’m popping on to ask for some advice. Today is 50 days sober for me, and it just so happens that it’s also my best friend’s cousin’s Birthday Party.

I agreed to go, back when I was drinking - and I still want to go. I don’t currently feel any temptation or worry that I’ll relapse, but I’m wondering if anyone has any useful techniques to keep focused in a possible anxiety enducing scenario like a Party with lots of Alcohol in the viscinity and people that I don’t know?

Many thanks,
Chris J :blush:

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Hi Chris, and I’m glad you brought up this important question!

There is a great thread on this very topic that you will profit by reading. Have a look!

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Hi Chris,
I personally didn’t have to face that situation at 50 days sober as I had only just left rehab and had no invites :flushed:
I’d firstly be asking myself WHY…
Why do I want to go to a party early in sobriety where drinking will be happening
- because I said I would when drinking?
- because it’s so and so’s bday (who I’m really not even friends with?)
- because I might miss out on something

Etc etc, if you’re sobriety is your priority have a think if it’s worth it and if so put a plan in place.
Drive yourself so you can leave and park somewhere no one parks behind you.
Be ready to say no when offered a drink and have your own on hand.
Eat before you go.
And other examples in the linked thread above.

Good luck with whatever you choose :pray:

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If it was me i would make my excuses and not go but its your decision dont know how your thinking will change when theres alot of drink around you wish you well

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Thanks so much for this, I’ll be sure to give it a read! :pray:

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Thanks so much for this response!

The real ‘Why’ for me is to prove to myself that I can go and socialise in that situation without fear that I’ll want to drink - something I’ve been working pretty hard on so far.

I do feel safe being in the environment with my best friend & his cousin, and I know that if I start to feel unsafe in that environment, there will be no issues with me leaving :ok_hand: He’s my oldest friend who hardly really drinks, and is extremely supportive.

Thanks for the extra tips too, I’ll definitely keep them in mind! Especially the eating before going one. Thats something I didn’t think of :blush:

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Thanks Ray, I appreciate your response!

I definitely want to try and go, if I start to get unhelpful thoughts/temptations, I’ll make my exit :pray:

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You’re welcome.
Just keep in mind sometimes we can survive the party but then for some weird reason we drink after getting home or the next day. I did this many times early on “testing” myself.

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I’ll definitely keep this in mind and take extra care in the days following.

The advice is much appreciated :pray:

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Really? Is that really the challenge?

What do you find harder - actually more intimidating and scary, emotionally, personally - showing up at this party (which is the known: you already know exactly what this party will be like and what people will be like), or not going to the party (which is the unknown).

The unknown is scarier than the known; if we don’t pay attention we let ourselves slip into the known not necessarily because it is constructive but instead just because it is familiar. We know what it feels like. (That’s one of the ways addiction keeps us stuck. Familiar feels safe.) You already know what’s gonna happen at this party, a lot of drinking. You’re not gonna discover something new there (other than saying no to alcohol, which you can already do by not going). If you were recovering from meth, would you go to a party with a lot of meth being consumed? (The fact that alcohol is legal gives it an illusion of not being poison. It’s ethanol, which is basically gasoline.)

The other weird thing about the whole “can I go to a party” question (which comes up all the time here) is why would you want to? Not to be rude - seriously - but it’s basically a social event where everyone is drinking gasoline. Why go to a social event to watch people poison themselves? How is that a personal challenge?

Hiking up a mountain is a challenge worth the effort. Running a 10K is a challenge worth the effort. Learning to cook is a challenge worth the effort. All these are growth challenges: when you come out, you are stronger or more knowledgeable than you were.

Going to a party to watch people drink, just to see if you want to join in… is that a growth challenge? Or is it the addiction (cunning, baffling, and powerful addiction), disguising itself as a challenge, keeping itself at the centre of everything, trying to get you to stumble back into the alcohol trap?

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It kinda depends whats more important right now…your sobriety or the party?

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What about doing a separate sober thing with your bestie and his cousin? Brunch, trip to a waterpark, cooking together and watching a film afterwards … I do that a lot and it’s much nicer as I have more personal time to talk with my people and have a good time together than on a party where so many people are that I
a) am not interested in to talk (hate smalltalk) and
b) do not know and have no desire to get them know (stresses me).

Whatever you do, stay sober and congrats on 50 days :sunflower:

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Thanks so much for your response, Matt :pray:

I appreciate your criticism also. Every single point is valid and I understand your perspective.

With that said, and with complete respect, I feel differently, in this particular context.

That really is the challenge, yes. And I see it as a valid one for me personally.

The known, to me, is socialising at social events, but needing the alcohol to do so. The unknown to me in this case is attending this event and being able to enjoy myself by communicating with the people I trust, without drinking.

Don’t get me wrong, I have zero interest in seeing how many parties I can handle as some weird ego boost to myself - thats not what this is to me. This is just a small family event that I want to attend with my best friend and his family and there is zero pressure on my end to do anything that I dont want to do. There will also be Sober members of family at the event.

I have already conversed with my friend and he is fully understanding of a situation in which I might leave if I feel uncomfortable. So I have measures in place. This is a step I’m taking carefully and completely present in my thoughts.

I don’t think you’re being rude at all, I understand how this topic can bring up different emotions to do with these types of events, and also peoples valid experience with these things.

I was simply looking for advice, free of judgment, on how to navigate a Social event if I became anxious :pray:

I don’t plan on relapsing at all, Ive worn my Sobriety as a badge of honour and I’d hate to mess that up👌

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Definitely something I could suggest, thanks!

Thanks so much erntedank :pray:

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Socializing sober while other people are drinking can still be totally fun. As long as you feel secure and not tempted, my best advice is just grab a cup with something non-alcoholic in it and no one will even notice or question why you aren’t drinking (saves the trouble of having to explain/justify yourself, especially to people you don’t know well). Once you’re ready to head out you can drive yourself home knowing you’re going to wake up hangover free while everyone else will likely be suffering from the heavy drinking, and you’ll remember the events and not have to worry about having said something dumb or regretful. Congrats on day 50! Have fun at the party! You can do this :partying_face:

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Thanks so much for your response babyapes :pray: Yeah the abscence of a hangover is going to feel great tomorrow as I’m working early :joy:

Thanks again :pray:

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I say this with all the love and support, that sounds like a terrible time!!

There will be plenty of time for that in the future, now may not be the best time to prove anythjng.

I am a huge proponent of not testing the waters so early in sobriety. I’ve been a member of this forum for over 5 years and have seen many in the same situation, some go to the party and remain sober, some go to the party and relapse. Some decide its not worth the risk, and it is a risk that’s not wirth taking.

Like I said, there’s plenty of opportunities down the road, that gives you time to add more.tools to the tool box and strengthen your sober muscles.

Anyhow, be well amd if you go., have a plan.

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I 100% get your point with my original description Hoof! I know it was definitely typed with some Anxiety too, and in a way, not really thinking clearly about the situation. Its just a small family do that I can leave when I need to :ok_hand:

I’ll definitely be making this a one off thing, as with the responses Ive read of experienced people heeding caution, it’s given me a lot to think about!

I do feel positive and secure today. That is the only reason I’m attempting to attend, however I know you only know how it’ll be when you’re in the situation, that was the root of me asking for the advice :blush:

I’ve already made plans to leave earlier than the end of the party, and I’ve got support from those I trust there that this is all okay, and that if I’m there 10 mins and not feeling it, theres zero pressure :pray:

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Well done on your 50 days of sobriety Chris

a few tips that may help:

  • take your own drinks with you so that you are not just left with water or alcohol as your choices.
  • have an exit plan laid out if you do feel overwhelmed
  • allow yourself to step away and regroup with yourself or check in here if you need to
  • always have a drink in hand cause then a. you don’t feel like you are missing you and b. no one will ask you if you need a drink

i have found that it’s best to go to these events early and enjoy the company of your friends while they are still lucid. As the night progresses it is less fun being around drunk friends.
Hope you have a great time if you decide to go! Life does not stop being fun when we stop drinking - sometimes we just don’t find our old life to be as much fun as it used to be.

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Update:

Had an amazing night without any temptation and I’ll wake up tomorrow hangover free :blush: 51 days strong

Thanks guys for all the support and advice :pray:

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