Alcohol and drugs are the solution to something that lies deep inside me. When i am removed from alcohol and drugs i am still left with me. I suffer from a 3 fold disease. The physical allergy, that if I put one in, I lose any ability to control the amount I take. Next, the mental obsessions which is what tells me the insane thought that this time it will be different and I get loaded. My disease centers in my mind. The third, is the spiritual malady which is the unmanageability of my life. The third part is what is wrong from a sober state of mind. That coupled with the mental obsessions is what will send me out every time and i get loaded. The solution i found is working with a sponsor to understand through my experience that lack of power is my delima. Working the steps as outlined in the big book of AA is allowing me to have a complete psychic change. The book is a guide for living. The book states: if a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism/addiction many of us would have recovered long ago. Self knowledge wonāt keep me sober. For me, a contact with a God of my understanding (no on elses) is what will allow me to recover from my disease adds continually treat my spirtual malady (unmanageability. The unmanageability will always need treating and allows me to always seek my God. I would highly recommend getting a sponsor in AA and seeing your own experiences and how the work might help you to find the proper solution. I hope this offers some insight and wish you all the best.
@VegasGordo I have yet to find an AA group due to my depression and having social anxiety I have been seeking individual help with my jobs employee assistance program but Iām not finding it very helpful I guess its because of my lack of faith Iām not too sure I was raised Buddhist and attended Catholic school so I really donāt have a faith I believe in God and know heās given me the strength to continue the journey now I just pray for the strength to get out of the rut of being stuck in my room I went from binge drinking to binge sleeping if its not work or court appointed sobriety testing Iām in my room lights off its like I just canāt find the it factor so to speak about happiness I think I have the alcohol to thank for that because I didnāt know myself now Iām getting to learn a little and you know Iām starting to like meš I just want to be able to stop faking smiles and actually have them
I highly reccomend checking out an AA meeting. The cool part about the process of recovery as outlined in the big book of AA is that you develop a God of your own understanding. For me that is separate than the Christian God I know as a Christian. The process is helping ne to not want to stay in the room or just sleep. It wont hurt tp check it out and a quick google search will yield most of the meetings in your area. All the best.
The ātriggerā in my experience is centered in my mind. The big book talks about that. From a sober condition of untreated addiction my mind always conviences me it will be different or i can control it this time. Then once i put one in all bets are off.
Relapses are planed because we are without defense against the first drink. What we do as alcoholics and addicts is get loaded. Excuse or no excuse if youāre a real alcoholic/addict like me the untreated addiction will always lead me to getting loaded.
Good job getting to a meeting! Youāre in the right place. I suggest getting a sponsor and start getting into the big book. It promises we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
@VegasGordo, Yeap 100% because we donāt want to listen to the truthā¦ Because as humans we think we know it all. Untreated because you choose to be untreated. That is a choice that some of us made as addicts. Thereās lots of treatment out there. Meetings, thereās hospitals, thereās day treatment. Thereās tons of treatment. Get on line look it up. Thatās all reason to to drink and drug! To do what we want to do! To get what you want! Thatās all part of the plans to drink or useā¦ THERE IS NO EXCUSEā¦ The excuse is I WANTED TO DRINKā¦Thats not an excuse itās a plan and a reason.
Woke up just not feeling the day seems like for every step I take forward I get pushed back I want this sobriety so bad Iām pushing myself through each day but in the end I just wonder why ive secluded myself and Iām feeling so alone ready to call on my tried and true friend fifth of lemon flavored vodka and sprite and drounding myself in my sorrows 
. I know ive gotta stay strong and positive Iām just trying to find the strength right now to get out of bed pick myself up and remember Iām not alone there is someone out there feeling the same as me
Itās not your friend.
Youāre right I slipped from my focus a bit but Iām still in it to win being sober is one of the hardest goals Iāll acheive
That is a great way to look at it. We are definitely in this to win it!
You mentioned being tired. That is OK. Lots of us went through that while our bodies healed. It can take a couple of months or even more.
Iām starting to see that I had more bouts of depression when I was drinking . for me it seems like Iām becoming happier with my position in life and have less reasons to say I need a drink as a matter of fact I really havnt thought much about it
I would definitely say that my problem drinking and my anxiety/depression fed into each other and it made getting sober (the first few missed attempts) etc. really complicated. Your sharings here are vulnerable, self-reflective, and insightful and I really admire that. This whole āmentally ill and getting soberā thing can really suck sometimes but as you say, we all are in it to win it!
Youāre a superstar. Best of luck 
I fully agree with you. You drink be because you want to. I feel that people over analyse the problem and generally look for sympathy. You know when you have had enough but still carry on. You buy 24 cans knowing rhat you will drink them all in one sitting but you buy them. Dont think you need anyone to explain this to you
@L_Gully its one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time I seriously dont know how I made it so long with liquor it was a temporary fix that left me in more distress then just the mental illness. Iām in it to win it and Iām here to help anyone who feels like I do so I just stay open and honest seems like the best policy and this community has been so helpful I started on my own for I think 56 days then just wanted to see my progress so I downloaded the counter stumbled on the talking sober and havent been able to leave we have got some strong dedicated people here I just hope I can be that inspiration to someone keep up the good work
I just wanted to say I feel the same. And I am inspired by ypu. Thank you.
Seems to me like here lately Iām excited to be sober however Iām really depressed on my days off there were so many people around me when I was drinking and supplying drinks for everyone yet now Iām alone although Iām happy to be sober Iām depressed and sober I feel like I have no life anymore I need ideas of things to do the scary part for me is all the things I used to do involved drinking and now that I dont drink I have nothing to do or no one to do it with I really just want to find a happy median or something its getting to be some sort of trigger Iām guessing I just keep thinking to myself I can go to the bar and hang out and find friends but I know in my heart Iāll be finding headache and trouble does anyone else feel this way ? Iām eager to get out and do things but am afraid if getting out of the house around drinking I was fine for the holidays with my family but Iām feeling strangers will not be as supportive if Iām in a bar or drinking setting but I need some social interaction outside of work to enjoy my days off soon
it has been 2 years since ive drank i have been through so much in the passed 2 but in doing so i have learned a great deal about myself i started Depressed and sober before i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder now im learning to manage my mental health i cant be more grateful to be sober today i am in a better place and learning to be happy
So very happy for you!! Sounds like you have been working hard on your sobriety and mental health. Congrats on your 2 years!!!