Down and Out. Day 25 again

Life in Recovery
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So, I havent posted in a while. Theres been a lot going on. I had relapsed at 61 days, drank for a week, and I’m on day 25 again currently. With all that has happened I feel like a complete and total basket-case. I feel like alcohol is consistently on the brain at all hours of the day no matter what I do.

Iknow that previously i had told a few people here that AA isnt for me…I wound up letting my boyfriend and a few friends convince me to at least try it to see how I feel about it. I am finding that I have my moments…some days I wish I could just sit and listen to meetings non-stop…other days if you mention AA to me I really just want to snap your neck. I have also found a 24/7 AA Zoom meeting… there have been nights I will realize I have listened for 3 or 4 hrs at a time when I just cant sleep.

For some reason this time around I am finding that I have been having some pretty angry and hateful thoughts toward people surrounding me that are truly only there to help me and bc they genuinely care. I’m really not sure where all of that is coming from but it is causing me to isolate myself again more often which in turn causes me to become more depressed.

To make matters worse…I had some other bs dropped on my plate over the weekend to top off what had already been an awful week. In other ways though…somehow I am coming out better this time around…and for the life of me I do not understand why. Everyone keeps telling me i am finally getting something back for everything good that i have ever done, for every person that i have ever helped. My dumbass automatically goes straight to the worst possible thought…“its happening bc someone is trying to drop the worlds most unsubtle hints that this is your last fucking shot, so dont fuck it up!”

Sorry to be kind of a downer tonight yall. I’m struggling over here. I do hope that everyone is well and on the most positive journey possible through your sobriety journeys. I miss chatting with you all. Sorry I have been so down and out trying to get back on track again. :heart:

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Well done on 25 days.
I’ll be honest, and say that I think you are still fighting the truth.
You haven’t fully accepted where you find yourself.

These words tell me this.
You are fighting it still.
Do you own a big book?
Have you read it?
Keep working at it, it will fall into place.

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I think most of us can relate about the setbacks, but imho it only makes us stronger. For me it shows how important sobriety is for me. Once in a while I read my own posts from the last three years here and see how far I already came, even with the setbacks.
Well done for getting back on track and on your 25 days!

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Thank you @anon12657779 .
And yes, admittedly, I am.
I do. I was gifted one at my first meeting by the group I attended. I take it out to read it, and I honestly feel intimidated. I always end up putting it back away. I’m not sure if I’m afraid it will make me want to drink more, or what. I’m not sure of the whole “God” or “higher power” stuff bothers me more than it should? I have struggled with my beliefs for quite a while now. I still cringe even just saying, “I am an alcoholic”. When I have been to meetings most of what I share is poetry. I tend to lose my words or train of thought or omit the most important parts of things I need to say on accident or just jumble things up like an idiot. I started a creative journal about a week ago. I fill it with word art and poetry and quotes and I track mood and exercise and whatnot. Some days I worry that the stuff i have been waiting is si dark that even that may be making me more depressed.

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I like to re read things that I have written too. I have been wishing that I had journaled during those 61 days of sobriety.

And thank you very much @Naomi :heart:

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Excellent.
Just relax!
You have made the first step, admitting that you have a problem.
Notice I said problem not alcoholic?
Personally, I call myself an alcoholic, I’m comfortable with that. But over the last couple of years my attitude has changed because I have met people who have given up drinking because they see no future in it, want a healthy lifestyle, had a problem whatever their reasons, they have not seemed to have the hang ups that a lot of us on here admit to when admitting the problem.
I’m a firm believer in we have a choice, who says we have to follow the crowd that drink?
There are plenty of people who don’t, have never, and they lead happy fulfilling life’s.
The only reason we think otherwise is because we only mix with drinkers.
No, I have made a choice to be a non drinker.

The god, higher power thing?
Don’t get hung up on this either. Just start trying to see that to get through this, an open mind is needed to accept that there is something out there, that if we open ourselves to it can help guide us in the right direction.
Don’t get hung up on the God as we are taught in the Christian tradition.
I am a firm non believer.
Just remember the book was written in the 30’s when attitudes were different.
Anyway, just relax and let the universe guide you.

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I forgot to say.
The big book.
Yes, I can understand the intimidating effect. But just read and find similarities in the stories. They are there.

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You’re not a downer at all, you are human. I know it is hard sometimes, but there is so much grace in being gentle with ourselves…not expecting perfection in sobriety or in life…we are ALL works in progress…imperfect beings, here for such a short time.

It sounds like so much is percolating for you and you are doing the right stuff (whatever that is lol). Try not to be too hard on yourself, if beating ourselves up worked, we would all be doing fantastic 24/7!

:heart:

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Glad that you made it back, you have a big book so maybe try reading the chapter for agnostic’s. I don’t particularly like the word god for my own reasons but it doesn’t matter. For me AA is more about connecting with others and not getting caught up on words.

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Hi Michelle, I’m sorry to hear about your difficult time. But at the same time, I’m glad you’re facing it. Yes it makes you question many things about yourself and your life. Good! You’ll question, and you’ll be uncertain - and scared! We’ve all been there - but you’ll take steps in a new direction & you will change, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

About belief - can I ask, is it the belief in a higher power that you’re really questioning here?

Or is it belief in your own worthiness?

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A little of both if I am going to be completely honest. :pensive:

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It probably is. In a way though - it’s actually about one core fear:
I’m afraid of what I don’t know.

The idea of “higher power” is something none of us ever fully understands. So - honestly, we can sit and get stuck on what we don’t know there forever.

But the idea of “what I could be if I was sober” is just as scary - there’s just as many unknowns - and it’s tied to the idea of “am I worthy? Am I good enough / worthy enough to have a peaceful, stable, healthy life?”

Sometimes we worry about the first one when we should really be spending our time on the second one. Whether there’s a higher power or not, I can’t change anything about it; but I can change myself. The higher power “debate” is just another way for us to avoid the work that really scares us: personal work on our own sense of self and worthiness.

As addicts we have been living lives of escape. We’ve been running because somewhere, at some point, we started to believe we weren’t good enough to live life fully. And through our addictive habits, we numbed ourself long enough we started to think we weren’t worthy of our full, healthy life. We live in shame and regret.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can have a stable, healthy life. And it starts by exploring what we are, what we did, what we feel, and what we can do.

My advice would be to put a pin in the higher power question for now. You can come back to it sometime if and when you want to. Spend your time now learning who you are and what you are, and discover what you can do. Sobriety programs are life changing for the vast majority of addicts in recovery, because they give us a community of belonging, helping us to feel less alone.

Here’s a list of some options:
Resources for our recovery

Am I hearing you right? In what I said above? Are you feeling nervous about what’s happening, where to go; about next steps?

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You’re good Matt! :facepunch:

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Excellent point to meditate on.

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I dont really know what I’m feeling. It’s almost just a combination of like every possible feeling you could think of. One minute I’m in tears, 5 min later youd think I’m the happiest person on the planet or something. I know I took on going back to school at a bad time but I’d already waited 10 yrs and had financial aid figured out so I wont let myself quit. I start a new job on the 5th. The want and the urge has just been unreal to want to reach for a drink. I dunno. Just stressed. I know if I put my mind all in to something then I am there usually. Life just seems cloudy right now.

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That’s normal at this time. Early sobriety is a roller coaster ride (emotionally) so buckle up :innocent: The expression “one day at a time” is important; so is really settling in to yourself and getting to know your emotional cues - so you can keep yourself safe and sober. I use Insight Timer a lot for talks and meditations:
www.InsightTimer.com

Drinking will always make things worse. You know that, but it’s good to see it in writing & remember. It’s good to have a “Pros and Cons” list of the things drinking caused - regret, shame, waste, etc - so you can look at it when the urge comes.

(Edit to add: also remember: nothing is more important than your sobriety. It’s that simple. So ask for what you need - no one will think less of you. Often we addicts have the mindset that we should “just get it done” or we “should have the willpower”. That’s not how it works. Recovery is organic, and we need to be flexible in our life to nurture it. What this means is (for example) if you’re finding the courseload to be overwhelming, ask for maybe a 60% courseload. No ones asking you to be a superhero - like why? - and any reasonable person will see you as a smart, wise soul who’s doing the right thing, asking for what she needs. Don’t rush things, don’t take on more than is healthy. It’s ok - and you’ll be ok. You’ll reach your goals.)

It sounds like you have some exciting things coming up! What are you studying?

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Matt says it but I’ll also say it.
Early sobriety is shit for emotions and feelings being all over the place.
I can’t remember how long it lasted but it did go away eventually.
The thing I decided in the end was that anything and everything that I felt or thought was recovery related, accepted it and got on with life as best as I could.
The main thing is to ignore the voice that is constantly nagging. Do anything, go anywhere just distract your mind somehow.
It does go, and like anything in recovery, it’s different for everyone.

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I’ve been an RN for 10.5 years. I am in the RN to MSN-FNP program (Family Nurse Practitioner).

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All right! It’s always nice adding a new skill to your set (and a new title to your resume). Good for you :innocent:

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Hey Michelle (and Everyone). Congrats on day 25! Sorry I didn’t see this thread… I have been wondering how you are doing. I believe in you. For me, I literally picture myself having that drink, then another and another and so on. Then I imagine how I’ll feel tomorrow. The shitty stomach, headaches etc. The ‘oh my god did I really say that/do that’, check my phone to see if I texted anyone (especially my ex), see the look of disappointment in my daughters eyes etc etc. And of course resetting my days on the app and ugh. Then I go ‘nope’. Not today. I know this is about you and supporting you but I just wanted to share one thing that helps me. Miss our chats.
Lori xo

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