Ed frustrations and family *trigger warning

Your Story
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Sometimes I think you and Stella just understand me as a human. ( and probably a lot of people here).
I hate being upset with my mom. I buried a lot of really bad feelings, emotions, and experiences even as a little girl. I wanted so badly for people around me to be happy that I hid emotions to my detriment.
I definitely let them grow into something unmanageable. Then tried to keep them that way, hidden away for a long time. I didn’t realize in making excuses for others and dismissing my own feelings how much I was hurting myself. That my voice was valid, my experience, my feelings. I think when you do that long enough you start to believe your life isn’t valid.

Not anymore. Thank you for speaking up for yourself and teaching me how to do it by example.

:yellow_heart: so much love for you C

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Thank you Stella💛 it’s been an exhausting, emotional fight with my own demons.

I’ll send you a DM :kissing_heart:

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I love how calm things have been. It’s a lot of work, to work through all this emotional baggage. But I think it’s worth it. I am happy I have people like you to help. It means the world Eric. I feel like I’m getting my life back. :heart:

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I’m so sorry she made you feel that way. Mothers sometimes suck. To be honest, I think the only reason why I’ve been able to forgive my mother is because she’s passed. If I was still dealing with her I know I wouldn’t have been able too……and I’d probably still be drinking!!

Again, I think you’re doing awesome and you should ve proud of yourself. :sparkling_heart:

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I get where ur coming from there caroline :heart: back when I had my eating disorder (caused by unimaginable pressure and stress) people around me mostly dismissed it. My family started out extremely critical and judgemental as a result of my father’s toxic hate. Had I not been victimized and two of my sisters developed bulimia, we might well have continued that way and ironically never learned so, so much better as we have now… My family of 8 never even noticed when I started retracting, avoiding food like the plague, vomiting in various (initially uncontrolled) places, and just ignored or dismissed it. Nobody asked until almost 6 years later. Before then the odd comment like: “if you’re going to be sick again, you’re going to make me sick”, or “if it doesn’t fit, maybe you need to get a bigger arse” and ironically with the one sister who later changed and helped me most there were even fights with me when I dared argue back when I was being negatively commented on. And of course plentiful panic even from my mother who kept openly stressing how concerned she was of my lack of appetite and later on weight, and always trying to fucking heap plates discretely or get me onto supplements or to get checked out etc, some of the rudest remarks that subconsciously slipped out I won’t even say. Nobody wanted to see that my eating disorder had fuck all to do with being a random problem that just needed to be fed more, and every fucking thing to do with that very attitude! It started due to my father’s aggressive and unnatural force feeding going back as far as I could remember. Even strangers would let off subconscious comments like: I could do with a sandwich or two, and shit like that. That hurt so bad growing up. They never had to experience it, being skinny was barely even acknowledged. Well fuck em all. Had I not been the only one who developed serious problems, the rest of my family might have continued in such an atmosphere, but fate had other things in mind and us siblings somehow miraculously grew into the most tolerant, caring, open-minded, loving and alternative people (thank god!) - totally opposite of my father. The problem was never that I had an eating disorder - but god dam why…! Anyways, sorry if this triggers anything negative at all, that’s not my intention, I gradually overcame my eating disorder some 5 years ago now (up until 18 or so) although it lasted up to 8 years. It’s emotional and triggers me even talking about it now because I know it could have taken so many other ways!! And I don’t even want to ask whether they’d have learned to be as tolerant had I not found myself and luckily managed to overcome it… Anyways, too much negativity maybe, I’m sorry :sweat_smile: I’m here, you’re here, we’re here together ey :hugs::wink: What I know from the bottom of my heart too is that they didn’t mean it either. They just wanted to help at the time but didn’t know any better understandably. And we have and still are all learning so much, so there’s much to be proud of the unrecognizable distances achieved since then…! You’ll be ok Callie :heart: You’re strong and bright and have a future ahead of ya thanks to having the insight to break the chain. Just relax, take it easy on yourself, nothing in the whole entire universe NEEDS to be… It’s ALL(!!) in your hands from here-on. That means you can do what you like, you’re free! Just slow down and ask yourself for who you’re stressing over anyway? You…?! :pray: Most people don’t judge at all anywhere near as much as you think. Once you learn that you slowly let go of appearance and physical expectations… And when you stop worrying so much - only then does life somehow just slip right into place for you… You’ll see. Your tension around food or yourself will slowly fade if you give it the chance to. The fact she apologized means she loves you and is learning too… But don’t ever take what others say personally, nr 1 bit of advice to remember! :v:

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I remember awhile back seeing a photo of you with your mom - this one:

When I saw that photo I thought, of all the family members in her life, her mom must be very important to her. It just had that feel.

I remember when I started my sobriety journey, I was really upset with my dad. I saw some of the choices he’d made, and I saw many of the same underlying tendencies in myself, and I had a lot of thoughts of “If only…” - you know the thoughts: if only this had been done, or hadn’t been done, etc.

I identify very strongly with my dad. More than one person, both inside and outside the family, have said we’re very similar. (Hell, I even ended up doing the same type of work my dad does - and this is despite my degree being in a totally unrelated discipline! It’s like fate :face_with_raised_eyebrow:) So it hurt me to think someone so important to me could have made decisions that (I believed, at the time) negatively impacted me and my brothers.

I have been taking time over the last few years to spend time with my dad. We’ve done camping trips, we’ve had cottage time, and last year, we took a week-long road trip, where one of the places he visited was his childhood home. During that last trip we spent a lot of time talking. I asked many questions about his childhood. I learned a lot about his environment growing up; I learned about his father, and his family, and the conditions that shaped their lives.

I have a deeper and more sympathetic understanding of my father now. I think I wanted to know things would be ok. I also needed to be heard: I needed to feel that my concerns about our family history were seen and responded to. I needed to have someone walk me through that journey of where my father and I come from, and why.

It was cathartic.

Maybe you can take some time to reflect on your story as you know it now. Focus especially on the points you don’t understand, or which were silent when you were younger. (In my case for example, we almost never saw my father’s siblings. His brother visited when I was a child but eventually made himself persona non grata because of his thoughtless behaviour. His sister, we never saw her, and all I heard were some weird stories. Dad’s side of the family were never discussed when I grew up; it was a black hole.) You don’t need to dive into them directly if you don’t want to, but you do need to know their contours: what exactly is it that seems missing from my understanding of myself and my family?

You’re walking a new, clearer, purposeful path in your sobriety, and part of that is telling your story. You are the storyteller of your life. You’re a powerful person. You’re in the early stages, where you’re getting the lay of the land.

You’ll find what you need. Have faith in yourself, and never give up taking it one day at a time. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Just another thing I’ve noticed btw, we already do control how hurt we allow ourselves to feel in our everyday lives… My father treated me like shit and I eventually just totally desensitized from it somehow. We all just somehow got used to his aggression and almost always scrunched up, red and angry face and voice… But my mother was super warm and supportive by nature (complete contrast!) but just never there… When she only very rarely said or did something hurtful, it immediately stung so much more though.

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I’m SO sorry !!! :disappointed:. My experience is/was exactly the same. I try to remember that my mom is of a different generation and that she functions by different standards - but it still sucks !!! And is so hard. I’ve had to distance myself a lot from her as I get more and more healthy. Which sucks even more … but keeps me feeling healthier all around. (albeit sad and lonely at times) I’m Super Proud of your continuing your commitment to yourself and Your life. You live with you more than anyone …. and the relationship with yourself is the closest and most long term. :pray:. I’m proud of you. As you see above, others are proud of you. And I know it’s not the same as if your Mom did (and I totally get the pain of that). But. You know inside yourself what health looks and feels like and maybe just maybe that feels a little better. Sending care !
tenor-29

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Thank you :yellow_heart: I’m glad you are doing so well. Thank you for sharing your story and I’m happy you are here :kissing_heart:

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Thank you Matt, that is good advice :yellow_heart:

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@Laraellelarissa thank you and I agree with you. I’m sorry you have gone through something similar with your mom. I’m happy we are here to support each other :kissing_heart:

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So I had sushi for lunch and I was like maybe I should skip dinner- and I was kind of adding up calories in my head. I stopped myself and I tuned in with myself- I was hungry. I had dinner and feel satisfied and happy. This is my reminder that you deserve to have dinner if your hungry. It doesn’t matter what you had earlier :yellow_heart:

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So my mom is on another “restriction diet”. She calls and with dread says I can only eat 800 calories a day. I say cool mom according to whom. Some plastic surgeon at “wellness” clinic. I say you know my thoughts on that mom but your a grown woman. I really don’t want to hear about it. It’s triggering for me. She calls me AGAIN rambling off all the foods she can’t eat and says how many calories shes had for the day. I say mom please this is really triggering for me. She’s confused that I don’t want to at least hear about her “diet” that I know is extremely disordered.

What I know:

-She’s not working with a RD. Which is someone with a masters degree.

-1200 calories a day is the nutritional needs of a toddler.

-No one body is the same. If we all ate the same amount of food and moved our bodies the same way we would still all have different bodies.

  • Diet culture is so deeply engrained in society, it’s
    Not her fault

-Restricting any type of food leads to an obsession with it and likely will lead to a binge

-Plastic surgeons are not qualified to give you nutrition advice

  • The only way to make peace with food is to make peace with your body. Without it one will be in a restrict, binge cycle their entire life.

  • I will focus what I can ADD to my diet to add more nutrients, not what needs to be taken away

  • labeling foods as unhealthy just increases our obsession with them

-practicing gentle nutrition and making sure I’m getting my macro/ micro nutrients is what I will focus on.

Please sweet baby j help my mom respect my boundaries
Love c

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That sounds very frustrating. My brother treats my gaming addiction in a similar way. For quite some time he’d just game in front of me. Really triggering, especially when he played grand theft auto five, my favourite game. One day he even kept his Xbox turned on and simply left home when I was home alone. I had to use a controller after 650 days without operating an Xbox to turn it off. I dumped all his stuff in the bathroom… he hasn’t gamed in front of me since. He does still talk about new games.
So I understand how annoying it must be when your mom does it. Just wish I had some advice to give you, but I’m afraid not.

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No worries Jan :blush:

Mostly it’s just to get it off my chest so I can let it go :yellow_heart:
I find when I can talk about something it has less power. Thank you for the kind words :yellow_heart:

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You are an amazing strong woman. :purple_heart: Love and hugs.:purple_heart: I’m glad you let that out.

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Thank you :heart: I’m internalizing that this is not her fault. Society largely accepts what she is doing as “healthy.” I have to get thicker skin for when someone isn’t able to respect my boundaries. Which my mom really excels at. I love her but it’s hard. Let go or be dragged. That’s my mantra these days.

Congrats again on triple D’s of sobriety, Im so proud of you :kissing_heart:

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Sorry about that, sweetie. Bless your mom’s heart, I really hope she eventually sees an RD and learns what eating healthy is. I know it’s hard for you to hear about her restricting, and you did the right thing by telling her it bothers you. I’m proud of you for sharing. :purple_heart::slightly_smiling_face:

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I realized that she’s struggling and I shouldn’t be mad at her for it. Moms are human too, that’s a realization I’ve had. I used to look at my mom like Wonder Woman when I was little. She is aloud to not always do the right thing or have the right answers. That’s too much pressure for anyone. So much of my eating habits and perfectionism I learned from my mom. Just being little in her room, watching her get ready. There was always something wrong. I thought she was beautiful, everyone does. I think I’ve gotten old enough to realize it’s not about me and I can empathize she is still stuck in that state of mind that I’m trying so hard to break. Maybe I can have a positive impact on her one day and she will go see an RD❤️

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I have to say that it’s always great for moms when their kids realize they are an individual outside of being a mother. :wink: I’m certain your responses to her are at least causing her to think. That right there is making a positive impact.

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