E's Accountability Log

Your Story
101

Much love my friend! I can’t even imagine the struggle you are dealing with. I do see you working hard on your recovery and i don’t agree with your statement that you only think of yourself. I see you always worried about your loved family.

Glad you are able to come here and vent - I do hope that you feel better after venting.

ODAAT - i do have faith that the longer we abstain from our addictions then the easier it is to deal with the cravings / urges! I do hope that you are still talking with your sister and are able to also talk this out with others via recovery groups or therapy. It is not a easy journey but with support and vigilance we can overcome our additions. :people_hugging:

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102

Jazzy, i really appreciate your kindness. It was a rough day and i just needed to get it off of me!!! It’s been a long road… but thank you for always being there with something positive, means a lot!

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103

Anytime friend :people_hugging: – grateful that i was able to be here for you. Hope the rest of your day goes smoother for you :hugs:

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104

Hey E,

I know how you feel. Wondering if there is any light at the end of the tunnel. Chronically relapsing. People around me scratching their heads wondering why what worked for them hasn’t worked for me.

But God is bigger than all of this. Oftentimes, I focused 90% of my energy on my behaviors. Focusing on my sex and porn addiction. Yet God didn’t see me for my behaviors. He was there every step of the way loving me, seeing me and someone else adversely affected by having poor boundaries, toxic shame, a faulty paradigm, and a few other root problems. This change didn’t happen overnight for me, I don’t expect it to happen overnight for others struggling with this addiction.

But I’m telling you it’s worth it. I’m 53 years old now, and I really believe that I have confidence that the path that God put me on is actually working. I really can no longer call myself a chronic relapser. I have no regrets when it comes to my decision to allow God to work on those problems within myself that led to my sexual acting out behavior.

You’re addressing some really major root problems within yourself. Toxic shame is a big one. It’s a really nasty nasty root. If you haven’t read Robert Glover’s No More Mr Nice Guy, that should be the next book on your list.

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105

I took my kids to see inside out 2. Had a big group with us. I cried during the movie, my wife said you know he always cries during movies…

She didnt know i though about what dominating me from the inside. Anxiety was dominating the character.

For me, i was wondering whos at the controls in my mind.

After todays setback, im finally writing this.

Greed
Selfishness
Pride
Shame
Guilt
Anxiety
Sadness

Dominate my other emotions

Joy
My conscience
Peace of mind
Gratitude

Dominating since i was 8 years old.

Hiding my addiction has never helped. It only strengthens the bad emotions.

Honestly, ive never really grown up despite being in my 40s. I am a scared child, afraid others won’t like Me, i afraid my wife will leave me and everything I’ve worked for, will be gone. Sad my relationship with God ive always hurt. I will never be normal. The dark cloud has been over me, pretending my entire life. If i come forward, i will be exposed as for what ive always been,

A lying hypocrite, fraud.

-----------.

Now that the poison has gotten out. Its time for some perspective and self love.

E, take a deep breath. Now, allow yourself to cry. It’s ok. So im walking around a track in the morning, just let it out. The sun is shining.

Setback days vs win days. 365 days in a year. You fail in the 10-15 range.
Your at a 97% success rate. I need some self love here.
Your want to be free forever. It’s a journey E.

Let’s simplify this: shame will push you back to porn. Thats why this started last night and continued when you got up.

Instead of shame, lets push towards

  1. Developing real commitment to my wife.
  • fight all selfish tendencies
  • 1% better. Thats what im striving for.

  1. Stop putting yourself in positions to fail.
    #1 goal with my phone - shut it off every night before going to bed. Place it in the office. 10pm shutoff, make it easier on yourself every night.

  2. Today, pray for forgiveness and share your plan. Deeply repent and continue the fight.

1% better.
Lets do this method july 12th - december track. Track your setbacks.

Remember E, you only have 1 mind, stop destroying it.

Self love. Grace. Stop talking to yourself in a way youd never talk to others. Imagine if your sun struggled forever, you would never do that to him.

And Jehovah would never do that to you either.

Get up. Lets move forward E.

Smile. You got this. Believe in yourself. You have it in you.

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106

I am happy to see that you are being kinder to yourself and seeing the progress you’ve made even with the set backs

Keep pushing forward friend! Loved this post :people_hugging::heart:

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107

Covenant Eyes has been a very helpful tool in my life. i pay about $17 a month for several years now. It’s worth every penny

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108

Consequences for today’s setback It’s relax.

I need ideas. I can’t just keep having setbacks without consequences.

  1. 30 day penalty on the following things i enjoy.

Ps5
Eliminate youtube tv on phone&
Netflix.

Let’s start here.

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109

I’m sorry to hear about your setback. Go through your thread …read your intentions and take the necessary steps to get back in focus. You know you have support and friends here too. :pray:t4::people_hugging:

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110

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Great points i made in my recovery book from 2019.

I need to add value, if it ain’t adding value, it’s not valuable.

That needs to be my saying.

111

History of my addiction

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112

my friend, you are very inspiring to me. i can relate to being exposed to porn at that young of an age, and i honestly thought that would make it next to impossible to stop watching or thinking about it. i’m in my early 20’s now and you’re giving me the courage to pursue recovery. i feel helpless, scared, and lost, but i know i’ve got truly amazing people (like you!!!) to turn to for some guidance or a kind word. thank you again friend, and i hope you’re well <3

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113

Is crazy how things trigger you. Not to relapse, but to be burried in shame.

I went back and watched a show i loved about 8 years ago. And ihad a thought: what would my life be like if i solved my issues 8 years ago? It really flooded my system with shame amd guilt.

But ive come to understand one thing: my addict wants me to feel this doom. It’s crazy how the brain works and how powerful am addiction i have. Wow. Flooding my addiction with shame and guilt, with hopes of flooding me with my response to such situation…my horrible poisonous coping mechanism…PORN.

Except i see you. Neat trick.

Im fighting.

Its an inner struggle.

My counter: self love. I will not give up. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel motivated to keep going. To fight.

I deserve peace of mind. I deserve love and grace. No ones perfect E.

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114

Yes you are and keep up the good fight! :muscle:

I am happy to read this and do think you deserve some grace and gentle kindness towards yourself - glad you are seeing it too :hugs:

Sending you strength as you continue this fight!

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115

One of my kids woke me up, i couldn’t go back to sleep. My brain decided to replay why none of my family on either side reaches out to me. I really only hear from my parents, no one else. I think i have real issues with rejection. I think it’s destroyed my self esteem over the years. No one ask about my babies, my wife, my life. When i was 18, my mom went and got married without telling me. It took me 15 years to discuss this with her. So much repressed pain i still carry. I think it’s why i turned to porn as a means of acceptance. It’s been a part if my life since childhood, subsequently also ruining my life at the same time.

Peace of mind. Not sure when’s the last time I’ve actually had it. A clean conscience? Last time i really felt this was may of 2018.

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116

Many of us carry such wounds stemming from our family upbringing. For me, I actually denied it when it was pointed out to me. I had a clear case of abandonment, yet in my 20s, I had no feeling that anything was wrong. Probably because that’s all I knew and experienced. And such family wounds play a very significant part of why we end up the way we are.

But God is bigger than all of this. He’s in the business of healing, not just the porn, but the toxic shame, the missed connection, the brainwashing, everything within.

I have a very detached relationship with much of my family too. My sister and I have always been very distant and rarely talk to one another.

But, one difference, a significant one, is that I have lots of friends now. People I call throughout the week. Men that I meet with each Tuesday and Friday. That plays a huge role in reassuring that I’m not alone.

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117

From p free radio:

90% of relapses are predictable.

Of the following happens you are going to fall

  1. Not having a plan for the week, the day.

  2. Showing ‘cured’ behavior, going into trigger areas and using my phone like I’m NOT AN ADDICT.

  3. Not checking in with a sponsor.

  4. Not using any of your tools

  5. Not checking your toxic level.

  6. Not going to bed with my wife.

  7. Selfishly spending too much time on my phone.

With these steps, warning signs… you are in a Relapse state.

Relapse isn’t a single event, it’s a state your in.

I relapsed yesterday. Instead of destroying myself let’s proactively take steps to push myself forward.

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118

You have a sponsor?

119

My sister.

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120

hi, how are you doing today?