I’m OK. Just hanging in there.
How my brain/addiction works.
When you have a Dopamine/chemical addiction, you can feed it any number of ways. I got through september with 1 setback.
But with me and this chemical/dopamine addiction, i find that i get stimulation from so many things. Multi tasking feeds my addiction. Video games is part of my addiction, just a strong form of dopamine, P is of course the worst.
My behavior in october is setting me up for a 3rd week relapse of P.
- I’m staying up late playing video games, despite my warnings, depite me trying not to go downstairs, i feel such a strong pull to play. Last night, i didn’t even tell my wife goodnight and she called me out on my selfish foolishness this morning. Playing games till 1am as if i’m 15 again. I stood at the top of the desk and i had a choice: i literally stopped and said, now E, your going to regret going down there, i know this pull is strong, if you do this, your going to regret it.
So what happened? Why did i go anyway?
The answer: 30 minutes before this decision was made, i took my phone into the room while putting my kids to sleep. IN there, i watched, whatever, a tv show, baseball, whatever. The point is that i was getting stimulation. When i’m getting this dopamine hit, my logical brain shuts down. When i noticed the boys were sleep, i stood up and walked out. The problem is that at no point did i stop and let my logical brain help me make a good decision. The decision was practically already made. I once again pushed my wife to the side for selfish gaming. These late night gaming also stop me from getting up in the morning and heading to the gym. It’s a domino effect.
Late night Gaming = no gym in the am = shame/guilt soon as i’m down (sound familar???) = no time with my wife = no sleep = dopamine surge = relapse on P is coming soon.
This above statement has been 85% of my 10pm - 2pm time management from 2001 - 2024. That’s right. If you want to know why you’ve been in the same place for 23 years, this might not tell the whole story, but it tells alot.
You go downstairs for ‘relief’ but it’s really to plunge into your chemical addiction. Video games might not be as severe as P but it’s incredibly stimulating. The wanting to change my body, my mind, addictions have been destroying me forever.
And yet, you have also shown yourself to be resilent.
It’s not just ODAAT. That’s obvious. Your priority needs to be Gratitude/Selfless behavior COMBINED WITH PLANNING. That doesn’t come easy for me as my default settings are always set to selfish endeavors.
Atomic Habits:
#1 Let’s walk in to the door and put the phone away. Focus on your family, what needs to get done.
- Instead of turning your brain off and putting on a book on the way home, talk your way through the evening. what needs to get done.
- Text your wife before leaving, get a running to do list from her so you are clear at what needs to happen this evening.
Gaming Addiction/P addiction/Chemical addiction, THESE ARE LIFE LONG ADDICTIONS.
But it doesn’t have to ruin my life. You have to cognizant every single day of what your brain is trying to push you to do vs what needs to happen. Stay off youtube, espn, social media. Keep Clear. Clarity is what i need, but if you constantly seek stimulation/multi-tasking, you quite literally hold yourself back from moving forward. I have 20+ years of this, this is my life, facts of our i ‘function’. The fact that i’m still married, have a great job, is a freaking miracle.
Clarity. Gratitude. Focus. Get your bible reading in, GET TO THAT GYM. Put the work in, every single day. Get back to calling your wife on the way home.
Follow these steps, or you will fall in the next few weeks. Or you will continue to talk about this forever with no steps forward.
Relapsed.
1:45 i should Jane just stayed in bed. Nope, i had to go in the other room. It took 3 hours to snap out on it. 3 hours.
Toxic level: 10.
I’m supposed to be up in 3 hours and act like everything is fine. Lier/cheater. No control. Nothing. Over stimulated, no control.
Tomorrow i will suffer in silence in front on my congregation, my wife, kids, and my god, who saw everything. No self control. All the safeguards in the world wasn’t stopping what i clearly did to myself.
What would my life be like if i didn’t have this addiction?
What does a clean conscience feel like?
What does 1 year free feel like?
I’m just… me. The acting porn addict.
I’m going to relapse and have a heart attack one day. And it will be done.
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You need to try and figure why your acting out like this . Why are you irritable restless and discontented in your life? pull towards your family in these moments and connect with them do the next right thing. negativity’s breed negativity’s stop feeding shame and start feeding accomplishment 
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I once thought that God was angry with me; disappointed in me throughout my relapsing. But looking back, I see how He never rejected me. He really loved me through all of this. I know God really loves you too.
And I know that you really want to stop. I know that most of us wanted to stop like I did. We really wanted to change; to be better than this. And we were. But we just don’t have it in us to completely break free.
Listen. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s time to refine your connection. The opposite of addiction is connection. What I mean is that it’s time to get into a support group of other men. It could be SA, SAA, SLAA. Or Celebrate Recovery. Tell your wife that you desire to seek out a men’s support group to help bring you closer to God; which is the truth. Otherwise, you’re putting yourself at a serious disadvantage.
I have two such groups that I attend each week. I need them. So I go. Period.
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I am sorry that you relapsed and are going through this hardship. Please do not hear yourself up any more. Find your tools and re read your posts here. Some great points of action and advice.
I do think you would benefit from having someone other than your sister to talk to about this. A 3rd party objective perspective.
I do hope you are making the best of today and sending love your way.
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That’s the addict mind speaking right there. Honesty is the cornerstone of sobriety. Tell your wife and stop lying. Not being accountable for our actions, keeps us from recovering.
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Appreciate everyone’s comments. I have a appointment with a therapist tomorrow. Today felt extremely overwhelming. The guilt and Shame were at a new level today, haven’t felt like this since May 2, 2018. Tomorrow i will unload with the therapist, and hopefully to my wife before or after. He’s going to be freeing but i’ll have to face the consequences well overdue for my actions.
Therapy tools have been very helpful in the last day. Trying to just control the negative thoughts and focus on getting help.
Took me 5 years to retire the "i can do this myself with an occasional call to my sister, nonsense. The “i can act like everything is okay and just suffer in silence.”
Man i’m so stressed out. Been a minute since i’ve felt like this. Just talked with my sister, it’s good i can have that conversation. But i have to have that conversation with my wife too. What would my wife feel like if she found this website? What if she searched everything i’ve said on here and not to her over the past 5 years? Would she feel betrayed? Probably. Cant wait to talk with this therapist tomorrow. First of many many sessions.
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Therapy Tools:
Squashing the negative voice, we develop through out core beliefs…(usually develop in our youth)
Negative thinking patterns and how i can reframe them.
How many do i engage in?
All or nothing or black and white, no middle ground no balance, it’s all good or bad?
Overgeneralizing, you see one negative event as a never ending pattern or a sweeping generalized core belief about myself?
Mental filter: you dwell on the negative, discounting the positive, you minimize your own accomplishments and positive qualities.
You jump to conclusions, you think your a mindreader, fortunate teller, you predict things will turn out badly, you assume people are reacting negatively to you, when there is no evidence, just your feelings.
Magnification or minimalization, you blow things way out of proportion or you shrink the importance of them.
emotional reasoning, i feel like an idiot so i must be one.
Should statements, you criticize yourself or other people with should, oughts, must, and have toos. you label and instead of saying i made a mistake you say i’m a jerk, a fool, a loser.
Personalization/blame, you either blame yourself for something your not responsible for or you blame other people and deny your responsibility in every situation.
Let’s change those negative thinking patterns, this is a big piece of self care, we have to refrain.
Refrain negative thoughts we have to come up with compassionate replacements. For every negative thought give yourself 3 different examples of a compassionate statement to replace it. Turn the negative statement into a goal this way rather than focusing on what you dont want, you focus on a positive change.
Remember that once you set a goal and you work on it, remember to set regular breaks without throwing all your progress away.
Negative thought: no one cares about me.
Positive statement:
I care about me, my mom cares, my friends care.
Or you could turn this into a goal: there is alot of good in me, i am worthy of love, everyday i will work on showing myself i care in some way. Refrain statements like, “i am an idiot.” what are 3 positive things i could say?
My life is worthless. What are 3 ways to refrain this…
I will personalize this journal and update it myself.
Next up, breaking through cycles of superficial defining.
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Awe friend 
I am so proud of you and this step you are about to take. I know its not going to be easy and will be a emotional journey but I do believe its the right step for recovery and healing.
So grateful that you will be meeting with a therapist and also coming clean with your wife. You are going to gain support in your corner as you work diligently on your recovery. ODAAT!
Remember that you are not alone! We are here for you 
Wishing you luck with your first session tomorrow!
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I appreciate that Jasmine!
Took another step forward. For the first time in 6 years, i came clean to my wife. She let me have it, but in a constructive way, she got to the root of the issue: MY SELF ABSORBED BEHAVIOR. I had a brief moment of refuting something she said but i had to pause, i’ve been married over 20 years, i’ve never lived with someone as long as my wife, she immediately broke down what she’s been seeing, it was a game changer conversation for me personally. Today i’m seeing a therapist, another step forward.
Now that i’m in the light with my wife, i REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO STAY IN THE LIGHT AKA BEING HONEST. It’s very important for me to focus on my family and do the work internally.
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Oh wow. How beautiful and freeing! So glad you did have this honest conversation and are now in the open with those around you.
Keep working the steps and the recovery 
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You’re decision to come clean to your wife had to be difficult. You already know my feelings about that. But I can understand why you chose to be honest with her. And I support you on this.
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I had to, even though it was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. I hate that feeling like i’m imposter all the time (which i’ve felt for decades, no exaggeration) Talking to her was freeing, talking to the therapist yesterday was another level of freeing too. I really just got it all out. But now it’s about daily doing the work. I’m basically going to text my wife everyday, what does she need? But also communicate what i need. Having a therapist as a sounding board will do wonders for me. I’m not 100% comfortable with the group stuff yet, but i’m just going to focus on this step first.
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This is a hell of a first step and I’m so proud of you! Grateful you found someone who you feel comfortable talking t. Keep working your recovery friend
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So i had my therapy session yesterday and i want to get some notes down on some things we discussed:
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Getting rid of my shame/guilt. Learning to lead with compassion for myself was a big topic.
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We got into some of the specifics of my addiction but he’s not a addiction specialist, he takes more of an holistic approach and i’m fine with that. It’s not just the addiction we focus on, it’s the entire personality, what’s driving me to go there.
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We talked at length about accountability partners and why that’s a bad idea for it to be my wife. I am happy i shared with her my last issue but he really hammered the point about oversharing every single thing with my wife.
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Next week we get into values and cognitive behavioral therapy and i’m looking to get some tools from him on that as well.
Overall, it’s going to be a long journey going forward but i’m happy i’m finally doing this. Yes, i should have been in therapy a decade or so ago, but it’s happening in my 40’s and not 50’s!
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As someone who’s fighting to be Sober, this song and lyrics really touch my heart.
Shame podcast - a real gamechanger.
I realize after listening just how much i’m dominated by this quality.
I actually fat shame myself when i overeat. By words and pinching my fat, i’m always pinching my stomach, grabbing my fat chest. I fat shame myself. I say things like, 260 is on the way, your going to look like that picture again soon, keep it up. 100% i need to bring this up again in my therapy session.
But the podcast brought up something that’s helped me in the past that i need to utilize more: the IMPARTIAL INSPECTOR. The ability to notice feelings and emotions and instead of just letting them settle in and accept them along with poor coping strategies like pinching yourself or the negative self talk that is just shame inducing, i need to recognize when i’m having certain thoughts and just let it sit for a second and reform said thought. “Oh, i’m having that thought that i’m fat, i’m having the thought that i’m lazy, that she doesn’t accept me, i’m having the thought that i’m not good enough, oh, i’m not great at this particular game, i’m having that thought that i’m trash.”
Then work hard to reform this negative thought pattern.
Again, give yourself grace and empathize with yourself, this is the first time your going through life too.
I will be relistening again and again to this podcast as a loving reminder a few times a week. I need this reminder cause i’m so hard on myself. Yesterday was torture in so many ways, and yet i managed to do some positive things too.
Today is a new day, let’s focus on letting my impartial inspector catch literally any thought, emotion, and put it in the proper context.
Have a great day E.
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Really interesting therapist visit:
What are your fathers/mothers values…not what they do, but what they value.
I had a list to go through, it was really interesting.
For my father, had thoughts of family, responsibility, i brought this to my sister and she had a different view. I put my father’s #1 value was responsibility and my sister thought that shouldn’t even be in the top 5. My dad worked 100 hours a week, in his mind thinking i’m responsible for all of this stuff, i have to work. But maybe that wasn’t his true value, because he actually shrank from alot of responsibility, as he’s never actually raised one of of 9 kids by 7 different woman.
Overall, i talk alot during these sessions. He ask questions, alot of them, i take questionaires, and we discuss. He often tells me i need to work on my self talk, be more positive with myself, more self compassion. Healing through this therapy will be a slow process, but an important one.
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Only be this for you and can hear a change in your tone. So grateful to see you following through with the therapy. Wishing you continued success with your journey
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