Hi everyone. It is 14 months since my last drink. For the last two years I have been on a healing journey, and continue to work through past trauma. I run, I walk, I meditate, I eat healthly, I read and I pray, but yet I feel the walls are closing in on me. I cannot handle any stress and as a result, I have started bouncing from one job to another. I feel I cannot commit to anything and the minute I feel that anxienty come over me, I am outta there. Does anyone else feel this raw when dealing with things as a sober person. I do not know what is wrong with me. Is this depression? does it get better? Will I ever feel like āmeā again? What is strange is that, no matter how scared, sad, lonely and exhausted my body/mind feels, I have zero temptation to drink. Any advice is greatly welcomed. Thx everyone.
Congrats on your 14 months sobriety! I think whenever the āoutsideā of everything is right, but itās not, thereās a glitch in the system that may need some adjustments. Are you seeing a counselor of any type to dig a little deeper? It sounds like youāre doing great for yourself! Itās super admirable 
Do you have a sober support group?
a huge congrats on 14 months btw, thatās amazing.
@Ravikamor
@Dan531 I do not have a sober support group nor do I attend meetings. I thought I was doing okay, but I guess I am only scratching the surface of my own identityā¦I have been working with a life coach and we have covered many things, but she is not a therapist. I feel I am running up hill on a daily basis and I am shattered.
Yes sounds like something under the surface going on. Try a counselor and see if that works. Keep us updated! Hugs
I suggest doing a 12 step zoom meetingā¦ you can have your camera and microphone off and just listen. Working the steps works for a lot of people, itās something worth investigating imo. They say that year 2 can be harder than year 1 because we have to deal with our own minds and get to know ourselves. We certainly donāt have to do that alone.
I can definitely relate to thisā¦ Iām just under 16 months sober and I am finally coming to a realization as to how to cope with the world, especially in these trying times.
I truly feel that as an addict to many different substances, mainly alcohol here, that my higher power is testing me but also rewarding me. Testing me with temptation, rewarding me with sobriety. I guess my point is that I could be in in this situation of COVID and just give up my sobriety and everything Iāve worked so hard for sober just to kill time with drugs and alcohol to pass the time. That is not an option for me because if I pretend to tell myself itāll be fine this time and do one thing, Iāve lost and I have to start all over.
Iāve started getting back into hobbies I used to enjoy when I was young like video games, building models, writing poetry and have just started doing vlogs for myself so I can record my story and use it to look back in the futureā¦ it is always progress with me. It has to be or else I will fall and who knows where or how Iāll land.
I started to feel like me again right around my one year anniversary and although some days I donāt feel like me, I know that if I can make through that day without picking up drugs or alcohol, tomorrow I get another chance to be better. Maybe even a new me!
I also have to remind myself that I am not alone in this daily struggle with the pandemic or being an addict. I always have this forum to assist me with getting out of my head and finding peace.
Itāll get better. May I suggest watching the sun go down tonight and then look up at the stars. Peace, quiet and acceptance of what is, helps me gain more accurate perspectives of the ever changing world.
First of all nothing is wrong with you. You should try other stress relief alternatives. Every tried punching a bag? Iāve been boxing since I was 8 years old. And I took a very long break from 18 years to about 24 years old and I became a little more stressed than usual. Now Iām sober and back on it and feeling better than ever. I really recommend it because itās a great stressed relief and itās a grrat workout at the same time. Try hanging out with positive friends as well.
Thank you everyone for your helpful responses. The realization of who I really am, is something that I am discovering at 50. Up until this point, I used drink to numb the parts I didnāt like. I cannot hide anymore and that is probably why I feel raw and vulnerable. I will look into a program and use the tools and wisdom so that my sobriety is protected. I know there is a talk sober zoom meeting on a Tue & Sat, so I will check it out
Congrats on 14 months. I think your scared of what I dont know only you would know that, other than that keep it going 14 months is a long time.
Hi @ALC227, it sounds like issues covered up over a long time by your alcohol consumption are making themselves heard. It is a strange feeling when there are symptoms we do not know the cause of, in a way such a symptom is alcoholism itself and itās the same with say depression, thatāll also be a sign of something painful we have suppressed. I am working with a great psychotherapist on exactly these things and itās amazing what changes happen inside me through it and what Iām able to uncover I would never have been able to on my own. It sounds like you would definitely benefit from the help of the right professional who knows to ask the right questions and help you understand what is going on inside you. I cannot recommend it warmly enough. 
The job hopping and general exhaustion and anxiety without knowing the reason is textbook indication for psychotherapy. 
Apart from that huge congratulations on the achievement of 14 months! Big big deal and well done! To guard and enjoy this sobriety now do some work internally to become the best, happiest version of you! Wishing you all the very best.
Hi @Faugxh,
Thank you so much for your response. It is good to know that there is someone who may be able to help and guide me through all of this. I will definitely check out psychotherapy and see what therapist are in my area. Thank you!
Prayer and meditation on these types of things take time. I once tryed therapy for a while and it worked. When you get down to the core of why you feel the way you feel its usually easier to control, those feelings may not go away but we find a better way to deal with them. Talking your way through it helps a lot because once we acknowledge we are feeling some type of way getting it out in the open usually may free us from self inflicted thoughts that may transform if we hold them in
Hello @ALC227.
Thank you very much for your post, because I feel similar and I didnāt know that somebody else might feel the same. I trully believed that itās just some my personal issue.
I am 32 and Iāll be sober 12months 26.8. When I drank I would feel really horrible anxiety and depression during hangover. Thatās one of things which kept me drinking, thinking that without drink I couldnāt cope with the normal life (I had no idea that those negative feelings were paradoxically caused by alcohol).
After I stopped drinking I experienced a pink cloud for approx. 6 months and it was amazing! It gave me to get over my addiction to the substance and change my mind-set. I felt in love with the person I was slowly becoming to be and I was impressed by all the things which appeared to be part of me.
But then the pink cloud dissapeared. I knew that itās not going to last forever and I know that I am actually pretty blessed that I had it for so long. My depression is fortunatelly gone for good (so far) but my anxiety is back. Iām easily worrying about stuff. Seeing things which donāt exist (not literally, itās rather assuming things which are not true). Itās hard to use my brain and persuade the fear in me that everything is ok by some logic racional argument. But Iām afraid that it is life - weāre not going to live wihout problems crossing our way, or with total security. So Iām learning to live, feel and face my feelings.
As well as you, I also donāt have any strugles to stay sober. It became to be easy because I can always compare how Iām doing now against the time when I drank and now is alway more than one million percent better 
I am not sure if I helped you, I just wanted to share my story and let you know that youāre not alone 
I wish you all the best 
@Jana1988 Yes!! I never thought about the āPink Cloudā effect and that makes total sense.
The reason I stopped drinking was that I wanted to face my trauma once and for all, and do it without numbing away the pain. I guess my/our brains are just rewiring to our new ways of thinking and how we are dealing with things without a substance to direct us. Thank you so much for your response and your experience as it did help. Thank you to this community for giving me a platform to express my fears.
Thank you @Lovelivelaugh. I know I am too much inside my head and trying to figure everything out myself. Just sharing on this platform has helped me so much. Thank youā¤
Hey there and welcome!!
I have felt that way off and on since getting sober 3 and half years ago. I drank for all of my adult life (I started at 15 or 16 and am 59 now, time off for pregnancy and breastfeeding). Anywayā¦I realized one day that I couldnāt really get back to the old me, as the old me was the one who used their entire life. It was the same when I quit smoking after 30+ yearsā¦I had never felt any emotion, positive or negative, without nicotine in my system. That was hugely eye opening. I had to learn to self soothe without substancesā¦and that has taken A LOT of work. I donāt have any desire to drink either, but I do have anxiety and so I do need to continue my journey of healing.
Some of the ways I come into my body more and settle myself when I am raw and feeling areā¦
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Daily meditation (usually at bedtime with guided sleep meditations or bedtime yin yoga)
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Yin yoga to stretch and slow down
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Physical activityā¦running, bicycling, beach walks
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Journaling
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Prioritizing sleep
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Warm baths in epsom salts
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Reading supportive books
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Being okay with not always feeling okay
That last one was/is a big one for me. I have to work on remembering life is not always going to feel good and challenges always arise. It is 100% okay to not know, to not feel okay, to just be with whatever is.
I can sometimes sit with my feelings, see if they are asking something of meā¦where do I feel this in my bodyā¦and what is that asking of me? Sometimes this leads me to a better understanding. Sometimes I just need to ābeā ā¦not do, not think, not explore. Just be.
Anywayā¦big congratulations on your 14 months and working toward a healthier you!!
Thank you @SassyRocks. Reading your message give me a lightbulb moment. It has dawned on me that I am mourning the loss of the old me (if that makes sense). I know if I wanted her back I would just have to open a bottle of wine, and that is not an option. I have just realized this Mandy is a little sharper on it 
, has zero tolerance for B.S., and has set boundaries that she never did before. It is okay not to be okay, and I like having that choice. Thank you. To know that I am not going crazy and loosing my mind has given me the strength to go on. I will continue to use every tool I have, and I will take each and everyone advice/knowledge into account. This day just got a little brighterā:sun_with_face:
That is some great insight there!! We do need to mourn the loss, even if it is a healthier move away from it.