Hi Stacey, is there an inpatient or detox program you can attend somewhere?
Take a look & see; there are filters for distance and for cost (play around with them and you will find something).
Got you a little motivation here 
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I have thoughtsā¦lots of thoughtsā¦but I realise I dont have to act on my thoughts. When my addict brain says āuseā itās okay. My brain will think these things but what I do is what matters. Action. That includes suicide and all sorts. I dont have to āDOā based on feelings and thoughts. I can do the right thingā¦just for today
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You got it Stacey. Itās like sitting beside a river. The boats pass in front of you. They call you to get on. But you can choose to stay on the riverbank. You see them, hear them, but you donāt get on board. Eventually, they all pass.
Sober on soldier. One day, one moment, one minute at a time if you have to. Pick yourself up and try again, try again, try again. Persist. Do whatever you need to do to not use. Eventually, inevitably, you will be back in the driverās seat, where you belong. 
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Thank you so much! It means alot to have your support!!
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You got it Stacey 
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Just to link my check inā¦
Continuing the discussion from Checking in daily #5 :
Todays food for thoughtā¦sometimes the tornado that is my life, leads me into dark places. Places that hurt. Places that slice through my confidence. Sometimes the chaos is a smog of deep regret and agony. Sometimes it takes me into the corners of the world where bad things happen and not everyone gets a happy ending.
But
Iām starting to realise that my problem all along has been focusing on the tornado. Focussing on the chaos. Focussing on the decay of my dusty existence. Today I zoned in on something I think is very beautiful and unique. God took me to the corners of the world that ache in my bones. The kinda stuff that makes me cry myself to sleep. But in the sewage and rubble, the stench of bitterness and distrust, the pebbles leftover from destructionā¦in that sticky black tarā¦I looked away from my own cuts of despair and found another human hurting. Someone else who needs someone to care. I focused on what my existence in the muck, can do for another. I helped in a small way, tidying, cleaning and laughing and hugging and telling warning stories to children who need a stern kind of love. I found children who need someone to give a shit. I found a mother who cares and loves and gives everything for others and leaves nothing for herselfā¦always knowing that when the day comes where she cant anymore there wont be anyone to hold her hand
ā¦someone who needs a sincere person to fall back onā¦while always holding onto the fact that no one would be there to catch her when she fell.
Today I caught someone. She mattered to me and I mattered to her. And her and her family mattered to me like air matters to my lungs. And I gained the next level of love you feel when you know someone is now in your circle and you would go to the ends of the earth for them.
Today was a hard dayā¦a day in the cloudy smoke left over, after love and endurance have been consumed. And in that day I found purpose. I found love. I found companionship. I found someone who understands me and yet felt understood by me. I got to catch someone who needed to be caught.
And that to me just seems irreplaceable. Itās time to take the focus off my pain, and rather focussing on who my pain has lead me to, and doing my best to love them with the tools Iāve gained through hardship.
Sorry for the rantā¦but I think Iām waking up and I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY. That has rarely happened to me. But it did today. So Iām off to bed, grateful for the chaosā¦because of what I found in its decay.
Peace beautiful people. Love you all
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It is so beautiful to be loved so unconditionally, with a connection purely devised out of mutual chaos!
Soldier on my people
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Dont read this if youāre feeling down, and theres a trigger warning in here too. Dont read it if its gna kill your good vibes or trigger you.
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I am not okay! Why is it that every one can see everything wrong with me and nothing else sometimes. Like I try so hard to be there for my friends and family and where is everyone now? I read the pamphlets and the reading I reached out for advice and help. I didnt pick up my DOC, i had a couple low dose clonazepams which are for anxiety, and got told I had to reset while already not feeling okay at like 4am, I tried to do the next right thing over and over and apparently made the wrong choice. Yes I didnt get it from my doctor cause I can only see her on Monday, but that doesnt even count for anything either, the fact I made an appt two days ago to get help. I have to reset because I got it off my friend who suffers from anxiety, eventhough seeing my doctor shes just gna prescribe anxiety meds for me anyway. So am I not supposed to take those either because I need extra help when Iām not self medicating? Like farout. I feel so dismissed after so much effort, plus the joy of waking up after 4 hours sleep of seeing Iām back to day 1 and I didnt even do it to get high, just tried to do the next right thing so not to pick up, but apparently anxiety meds are picking up I guess. And I shoulda waited til Monday but I couldnt and I dont have $80 to see an after hours doctor. So I feel worse than I did before I ever posting on here, I shoulda just not said anything. Plus now a ton of guilt for taking help I thought was better than using my drug of choice. Plus reluctance to even tell my doctor im struggling because I cant take what she gives me anyway or I have to keep resetting. So Iām trapped. And both my friends have bailed on me today and I got such a telling off early this morning on here. And no one cares about what I did right, like it doesnt even matter the list of things I followed instead of using my DOCā¦and I coulda but I didntā¦even after being made to feel like crap after already feeling like crapā¦ So what though, I had anxiety meds for anxiety and thatās cross addicting so I may as well cancel my appt with my doctor on monday and just hope my mental diagnoses doesnt kill me. I dont even know what to feel. Crushed. Yep crushedā¦and alone and trapped. Atleast if it does Iāll be dying sober. Yay for today.
Goodluck today people.
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Iām like 
actual not okay. DNA what to do.
Hi, so letās remove the things that are bothering you. Itās another relapse maybe maybe not you not even sure bc like you said you probably would have got them off a doctor anyway for help and not habit, so thatās that out the window. Donāt even look at your daily timer, itās just telling you what you already know so donāt wave it in your face as a reminder. Youāve been here before so Iām sure your able to count in your head, set your new target to beat and look at the counter later on when youāre there. So thatās out of the window too. Remove yourself from your ego, your ego reacts to peopleās opinions of you and no one on here knows you like you do, itās all they have to offer and it doesnāt mean that they are correct. Itās your opinion of you that matters not theirs. So we slung that in the garbage. Lonely? So many people read like and post to your journey, especially me, I notice if you are absent and I certainly wonāt be the only one I can assure you of that, you are loved by many bc of your openness and your honesty of your struggle, So weāll just stick that behind the sofa, lost.
You, me and we, we have to carry on, you keep coming back and you have never given up trying, this shows such great strength of character and resilience that so many in this world donāt have, this puts you in the top 1% of fighters and as we all know to well we have to fight a lot of battles before we win the war. So we all ride beside you singing our songs of victory in the knowledge that many will fall but no matter the cost YOU must ride on.
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Thank you so much for validating me like that! I needed it. Thank you. Actually. Youāre right about my ego. I find it hard to validate myself, it usually all comes from other people. And youāre right Iāve been at Day 1 before, I can do it again. Iām not sure though should I go see my doctor on Monday? And tell her about the anxiety? And is it okay to take medical help from her for it? Or do I have to avoid that and try just without meds at all? Cause I feel scared just cause of the type of stuff I struggle with unmedicated, like if Iām not self medicating. Cause if I have to not even take meds from the doctor Iām really scared I wont be able to do it. Or is it okay if itās from my doctor and i take it as prescribed? I have been crying all morning. Gave myself permission to feel upset and Iām ready to move on and get back up. Still seeing my sponsor for the first time before the meeting and hopefully that goes well and I can start the steps.
Thank you so much youāre words really helped settle me. I appreciate it so much!
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Sometimes itās good to get out of our own heads. Just breathe, in the nose out the mouth, focus on that, and start a task based in normality and positivity, hydrating, eating well, taking a walk, connecting with someone you love and telling them how much they mean to you. Let go and let god, hand it over to him, easy does it. Itās ok to ask your doctor for help, maybe be open and honest though about the whole picture, the drugs, AA, it will put you in a good standing for more honest action steps, itās an honest programme. In early recovery itās a matter of sometimes 5 minutes 10 minutes ten seconds at a time. Distance yourself from unhealthy things that take you back to the same old cycle, evolve into a new way of being. Gravitate towards positive things like AA. Stink thinking leads to stink actions so work through things as best you can. It takes 30days of new behaviour to change a habit and I was told it takes a month for every year you used for things to start moving consistently without so much resistance, so one day at a time eh. In early recovery some days I had to restart my day, it was just a choice I would make when I got to a certain point of stagnation I would restart my day with a new achievable task, not too much pressure on myself. Love seeing you on the threads. Have a wonderful day.
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You must be honest with yourself about the meds, why would you not go to a professional doctor for help as long as you know in your heart of hearts you are going for the right reason. Iām on day 30 weed and if I found out tommorow that I had a condition like say epilepsy that would be made more manageable by smoking I would smoke, but like I said I would have to be 100 %sure Iām doing it for the right reasons and have looked at all of the other alternatives first. If your doctor doesnāt know your history then Iām afraid you have to be honest again and tell them, then they can discuss this with you as well. This is a lot of honesty and acceptance to deal with but all this will add to your armour and the more you can get it out your head your ego will shrink. There is no room for an ego in sobriety of any drug.
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Well said
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I feel so much stronger after a friend came over and set me right just after @Dolse71 gave me the words of encouragement I needed. Iām ready to get back up, dust myself off and go for gold again. Itās okay itās a fresh start, Iām meeting my new sponsor for a coffee before the meeting and hopefully it goes well. If so Iāll have step work to focus on. Today is a busy day, I am gna organize my desk and then got my sponsor meeting then NA meeting then some hedgehog volunteering which will carry me through close to bed time where I can do some bible study and devotion and then off to bed and church in the am which is always refreshing. Itās a good day to start over. Moment by moment Iāll do the next right thing. Yesterday is gone now. Today is a new day, and yes itās in day 1 again, but thatās okay. I just have to focus on Just for Today and do my best thank you and @Dolse71 for that pick-me-up. Iām so ready to just get in there again. I think today I will read the āThe Triangle of Self-Obsessionā pamphlet too and the daily reading shortly with a coffee. Thank you for your support
Just for Today!
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My doctor knows Iāve been struggling with weed for a while and she knows about my reluctance to take meds. I think thatās partly why I was so upset cause of my chronic pain, I have to take regular meds that I could abuse but I dont, I was tempted but I didnt and I thought I was making the right choice by accepting help from my friend. But like you said earlier, maybe, maybe not, maybe people recognized some insincerity I didnt see or something, but still, maybe maybe not it doesnt matter, what matters is i can accept day 1, Iāve been on day 1 100 times. Itās okay. Itās a good time to start on day 1 seeing as Iām meeting my sponsor. So it can be a whole new fresh start and I can fight again. Honesty is key a 100% so I will tell my GP where I am at even talk to her about the potential of cross addicting and maybe working out to collect it in smaller increments or something. Iāve never had an issue with anxiety meds but theres always the chance so I will be open with her and make a sound decision from there.
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bloody hell your like a new person. Go get em!!!
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Topic: identity
I know something that comes naturally from getting sober is struggling with identity in sobriety. I also know that with my diagnosis of BDP there also comes the sense of identityā¦Iām craving abit so I thought Iād come on here and share some thoughts instead.
Identity. Hi my name is Stacey and Iām am addict. Yes thatās right Iām Stacey but I am also an addict. We all know why/what makes me an addict. So letās focus on Stacey. Stacey is creative. Stacey has a sense of humour. Stacey likes animals. Stacey is 5ā 5" tall and slightly overweight. Stacey has dark blonde hair. Stacey gets confused about what traits apply to her and which ones dont. Factual things what for Stacey sees as characteristics, but with personality traits Stacey is unsure and indecisive.
I worry about what I see when Iām sober, yes its messy but itās also a clear picture of my confusion. Letās take a few traits and see if they apply.
Being determined: I have evidence of being determined with things I am desperate for like sobriety, but feel I cave easily when it comes to life outside of that. I flake alot. I dont follow through. And am never quite sure how much is too much because of how many times Iāve heard āStacey you need to stopā.
Being kind: I can be generous and giving and willing to help wherever I can. But itās part of the masks i put on, sober or not, and I can never figure out if my kindness is to make me feel good or if itās in the genuine care of othersā¦maybe partially both.
Scatter brain: at certain times I have more focus than anyone I know, but I have an equal sense of disaster in my mind all the time. I cant make good decisions all the time. I cant organize my self or my life sometimes but sometimes I can be the most put together person youāve ever seen. And 9 out of 10 times that is because I put another mask on for you.
That brings me to the topic of masks.
Question what are my masks and what are my symptoms and what are my actual character traits? Who am I when I am walking around like a contradiction with a purpose and clear drive that clears easily like a mist.
Mask no mask.
What if who I see sober, isnt someone I like? Do I increase more masks to be the person I wanna be while always feeling like an imposter? Or do those actually become me after some time? Can I even call it authentically āStaceyā when itās a choice and not a natural trait.
Itās all alot. But food for thought none the less.
Stay strong soldiers
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It is strange to be loved just for meā¦
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