This was me too! I know that guilt feeling all too well and still feel it when I take a legitimate day off. I wonder if it ever goes away. lol
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Girl, I don’t know 
It’s hitting me hard today and I’m legit miserable. I didn’t even tell the guys I’m sick, I’m playing the work from home angle today. It’s crazy how guilty I feel. I hope it goes away. Maybe it’s our generation too. We were raised to work unless you’re dead lol.
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Oh girl, you need some self care. Try to relax if you can and feel better. It’s definitely our generation, always working.
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So here I am, my first day after finding out that I indeed have dementia. Of course, deep down, I already knew. It’s still a punch in the gut. I know how my brain used to work, and how it works now. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, and sometimes makes me really sad.
Anyway, thank god I’m sober. My drinking certainly was not good for it. I’m also way more capable of handling the news. If I continued to drink, I would definitely worsen my condition.
I plan to figure out how to live with it sans resentment and anger. I will learn to nurture it, choose some crazy brain food diet, and equip myself with tools to help me through. My biggest dilemma is what to say when I get caught in one of those embarrassing moments. I see how people look at me, I see the worry and concern. Or, if it’s a stranger, I come across dumb, uncaring, or ditzy. I want to blurt out that I have memory issues and I’m not dumb, I DO care.
I will give this public service announcement. Please don’t try to make people feel better by saying I forget things too, it’s no big deal. That’s my biggest pet peeve. IT’S NOT THE SAME! It’s dismissive and condescending. I know that people are trying to help when they say that, but all I hear is that you’re being dramatic and a hypochondriac. Spend a day in my head, then you’ll understand. So please don’t belittle people with this. I know who I used to be and I know who I am now. I shouldn’t have to defend it and prove it’s different. And honestly, because of the memory issues, half the time I can’t even come up with an example 
So I started keeping a list, literally just to defend myself. So stupid that I feel the need to do this.
One thing that was pointed out to me recently was that just because my cognition was failing me, it didn’t strip me of my intelligence. I’ll be ok. Weird having dementia at a young age, but whateves. Can’t go back in time.
Long way to say, thank God I’m sober!!
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This statement is spot on!! You are one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. I don’t know anyone else that can strive as a business owner during a fucking pandemic while recovering from alcohol. You’re truly amazing!! Love you girl!
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I swear I’m in the same boat, Beth. I literally just said today to someone, “I’m not stupid, I just don’t have my memory anymore!” But I’m seriously worried that I’m declining or something.
You are an amazing woman with or without it! Hugs sweetie.
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@Lisa07 @anon79808082 @CapriciousCapricorn
Love you ladies so much. I could never make it through this crap without you 
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Calling it a day early tonight. That lack of sleep last night has this old bat ready to hit the hay.
God, I have to say how happy I was to wake up sober. Even though I was exhausted, I had a vivid recollection of what it was like to wake up exhausted and still half drunk. Good lord, how on earth did I live that way? Why did I talk myself into drinking again over and over? 
For fuck’s sake man.
I am ashamed to admit that I sent my ex a little Valentine’s Day meme. I had saved it a few weeks back because it had his name in it. It was cute, but guaranteed the dumbass didn’t understand it. The man is the reason I have dementia, yet I still worry about him. He was suicidal over the holidays. I was being kind to him because I am the only one he’s honest about his feelings with. However, when I take time out of my day to send you a cute video or cheer up message, and you ignore me for a couple of days in a row? Canceled! I cannot continue to put his welfare above my own.
Then in a month he’ll send me some boo hoo sad love YouTube video. I literally do this with him to help, I honestly don’t want to anymore. It makes me feel mean and like a bad person. However, my energy is best spent on those who will appreciate me and return my kindness. Not intentionally try to make me feel unworthy.
The good news is that he no longer has that power over me. He had someone pulling for him, and he blew it. I can’t hold myself responsible if he takes his own life. So y’all, if that happens, I’m going to need major support because I will 100% blame myself.
Anyway, I deleted our conversation and deleted him from my phone. I don’t know his number because every time we broke up the immature dickhead would get a new number. That’s what I het marrying someone 20 years younger. I won’t respond if he contacts me either. God I sound mean, but I’m so over it. I have nothing left for this dude.
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Stay powerful, Beth.
You’re incredible.
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Thank you 
… And right back at you!
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Soooo… This happened the other day. It’s funny, because I knew she would ghost when I said I don’t drink anymore. If I’m networking 1:1, I’ll typically get a Diet Coke and order it in a rocks glass so the other person doesn’t feel weird drinking alone. It’s only me projecting they would feel that way, because that’s how I would have felt when I was drinking.
Honestly, until this gal, no one has given a single shit. This one is a very heavy drinker and I knew it would make her feel some kind of way to drink solo.
It’s actually fine by me because I mentioned it because I knew she would disappear. The only thing we had in common was drinking. However, it doesn’t bother me at all being around drinking or even being in a bar. I’m vividly able to remember what happens when I drink. I can remember how that poison felt in my body. It actually makes it quite easy. Of course I need to give credit to my medication and therapy for that.
I’ve always struggled with the whole “why can’t I be normal?” thing. Truth is, it’s NOT NORMAL to poison our bodies with alcohol. That feeling is what got me relapsing every damn time. I would convince myself that I’ve been sober long enough that I could drink normally now. I proved myself wrong every time.
Thing is… I can still do all the things I thought I was missing out on, only better. I go out for “drinks”. I go to business lunches with people that enjoy lunch cocktails. I wonder if they get any work done after, but that’s really not my problem. The thought of myself drinking repulses me, but others drinking does not. Unless they are drinking tequila or red wine. Barf. I’ve never liked either.
I really hope it stays this way, because right now I’m not even overwhelmed by the thought of never drinking again. I hear the one day at a time and get it. But I don’t say “I can never drink again” I just don’t want to, plain snd simple. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on a single damn thing, and my life is becoming exponentially better. Why on earth would I ever want to reintroduce that poison into my life? Oh how I wish I got this memo 20 years ago
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Still waiting to hear back.
It’s funny, last week when the argument happened with my parents, drinking actually crossed my mind for a split second out of habit. It wasn’t even an urge, but more habit and I can’t really describe it. I wonder if I would have made it through a lot of things this year without my therapy and medication. I never thought I would love therapy, but I do. My life has dramatically changed and I’m stronger than I have ever been in my life.
I have a very hard time with emotion. I can feel emotion for others—empathy. I really feel deeply for others. However, when it comes to myself, it’s like I’m completely shut off. A lot of people drank to not feel, for me it was the opposite. I drank to feel. Last week when there was the whole beef with the cruise we are going on in September, my dad sent me a text (yay, dad texted me for once 
) letting me know how disappointed he was with me and that I should have advised him of my intentions. Well, I don’t talk to my dad, I strictly talk to my mom. I told her, and furthermore, got her permission. Anyway, my father doesn’t even like me. I’ve tried texting and he ignores me. I remember my parents coming up by me to take me out to dinner last summer. Number one, my father got so antsy as soon as he was done eating that he couldn’t get out of there soon enough. Number two, I called him out on not responding to my texts and he scrolled through his phone and I saw a million texts with my sister.
I’ll never be enough for him. His mother didn’t like me either, but loved, loved, loved my sister. Imagine being a little kid knowing your grandma doesn’t like you. She’s mean to you but doting over your sibling? I wasn’t liked at home and I wasn’t liked at school.
Anyway, it hit me hard. I’m going to be 50 next week and I never realized how significant my father’s feelings towards me have impacted me. I started self harming as a very young child and I have OCD and crippling perfectionism due to how I was raised. Long story.
Here’s where the proud part comes in. I couldn’t help it, but I was on the phone with my mom and I started to cry, hard enough that I couldn’t hide that I was doing it. I told her I don’t know why Dad’s so mad, the man doesn’t even like me and let’s not forget, y’all planned this cruise and bought tickets, WITHOUT including me. The only reason I’m included is because I called y’all out when my sister could t wait to bring it up in front of me. Now all of a sudden it’s a big deal? My mother accused me of trying to manipulate her. I’m never, ever, never, ever ever ever rude to my mom. I love her so much. However, I told her that standing up for myself is NOT manipulation, and I won’t allow the accusation.
I just can’t wait for therapy this week.
I have a lot on my plate, a lot. There is not a single thing that I don’t love though. Tonight is my last CCIM class. I was going to take the majority of the day off tomorrow and knock out the final, but as per usual, I overbooked myself on a damn Friday Why am I like this lol.
So, I need to open firms in two other states, possibly three, but just 2 this year. Definitely not as fancy as it seems, just a formality so I can practice there, software conversion, then I bought a CRE investment software, then I just bought Commercial property valuation and asset management software, that has it’s own training that you also pay handsomely for, study for state tests and take exams, finish all the tedious work that comes with changing a company name, so much more but I’m exhausted and will fall asleep if I don’t get up and start getting ready for work right now 
One year sober is next month. So weird!
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Yesterday was a long but good day. Last night was my last CCIM class. I felt a little emotional when it ended. It seems like it went so fast. I learned so much and the value it has already brought to my business is insane. I’m really going to miss those classes. I really want to teach the last one in the series one day. Very difficult, but I really enjoyed it.
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I just want to let you know you’re a wonderful, strong and intelligent Woman. It pains me to see when father’s and mother’s don’t get along with their children. It just hurts my soul to be honest. You’ve learned from your past and seem to be accepting it which to me is an absolute Must in continuing with one’s Sobriety (Whatever it may be).
I admire your strength @Girlinterrupted. Don’t let ANYONE ever yell you that you can’t do whatever you want to do. You know your capabilities better than anyone else. I used to be scared in the beginning of my sobriety because I was beginning to notice how capable and competent I was becoming. I’m not afraid any more though. I know I’m completely capable of doing whatever the hell I want to do. All because we decided to become Sober. Sending you all my love!
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Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. It’s so strange because until that argument, I had absolutely no idea how deeply my father’s disapproval affected me. I finally had therapy today and got to talk about. This literally happened right after therapy last week, so I had to exit a whole week.
I have no spoken at all to him. It’s no different than usual, he never bothers to return my texts, sure does hoo in to let me know he’s disappointed. I so don’t want to go.
My favorite part of this text is the “reconsideration”. Reconsideration my ass. I was bullied into it. Whateves
Thank you for your kind words!
Oh! And fun fact… I used to share a sober date with you. I think anyway. I think it was September 24th.
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You are very welcome! The sober date similarities are pretty awesome! If you ever want to talk, all yah have to do is reach out, amiga ^.^
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Thank you so much and same 
I had a really great week. I know I talk about work a lot, but I love it so much and it’s my happy place. Owning your own business and being directly related to your success is a wonderful feeling. I spent many years making money for others only to be abused. Being an extreme people pleaser, I couldn’t see it. It took my therapist to call out that I was abused at my VP job that I wasted 11 years on
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326.71 for me; we’re nearly sober sisters!
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We are!!! Look at us girl!!!
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