GirlInterrupted: Running with Scissors ✂️

[Girlinterrupted]

In 2017 I was elected president of the local chapter of a national organization for women business owners. I had tremendous love for this group, the women in it, and the friendships I made. For the first time in the chapter’s history, I grew it to a “large” chapter when I was in charge of expansion. I served on the board of directors for many years. So when I was elected president, I felt so honored and proud… for about five minutes.

Apparently, there was a lot of drama behind the scenes between the immediate past president and the current president when I was president elect. My nomination immediately turned into a witch hunt. When I first joined this group I had a lot of hesitation about joining a women’s group for this exact reason. I was verbally attacked, threatened that things about me would come out, and told when the chapter voted, people would stand up to contest it. I had been a member and on the board for so many years, I had an excellent relationship with the membership and was highly respected. This had me so flabbergasted and stole the joy from my nomination. I couldn’t even tell my family that I was nominated because of the shame. What if people really did stand up at the meeting to contest my nomination? Man! That was a scary ass meeting. I showed up with my head held high and prayed no one would stand up. No one did.

So here I am, President Elect (2nd most fun position on a board, 1st is immediate past president lol) Anyway, at this point my already fragile confidence was shot. I definitely spaz out with public speaking and would have to do a lot of it, and even worse, be interviewed on the news several times per year. Hell no! I was beginning to panic. The job? No problem, the public speaking? The thought makes me pass out. Mind you, I’ve done plenty of it and it does not get easier for me. Apparently I do very well, I wouldn’t know. I practically black out and can’t remember what I said.

Anyway, at the time I owned a business with my husband. When I left my long term position as a VP if a very successful company, I decided to put my full time efforts into our company. This resulted in a spike in business and we got very busy, very quickly. I then acquired another company that was a compliment to mine and then we were really off to the races. However, this caused tremendous tension in my marriage. I am extremely hard working and ambitious. My husband was not. He thought having a company made him instantly rich and didn’t havr to work
Fucking dumbass. So, when we were thriving, he was dying inside. We were fighting all the time and he finally said it’s the business or me. I said peace out. Not only did I love our business and was proud of our success, I knew I would have to step down as president elect if I closed the business. Can’t be president of an organization for women business owners if you don’t own a business. However, it was a way out that I wouldn’t feel guilty about.

Two weeks later I agreed to close the business. I won’t get into how much I put on the line and gave up for this mother fucker to give him a business. But I’m no dumbass, I owned 51%. So, I stepped down as president elect and felt so much relief.

Why am I babbling about all this? Because. I think things would be totally different if I were to assume this roll now. Of course the public speaking would still get me skitzy, but I would be going into it with so much more confidence. I don’t know why this crossed my mind this morning, but it did. I’m slowly gaining confidence. It will take a long time as I’ve never had it. I can’t wait to feel worthy, like I matter, and like I’m not invisible. I can almost taste it. It’s around the corner. It might take a few years, but it’s worth the wait.

[Girlinterrupted]

Today was ok, it started out somewhat lazy. I needed to take a final today. I was a little nervous because I honestly didn’t do any of the work or even read the book. Not because I was being irresponsible, but because it’s the class I probably should have started with and pretty much just review. However, I’m a nerd and a goody two shoes, and was feeling massive guilt and like I didn’t deserve to pass. I did very well on the test and I’m glad it’s behind me. Next class starts in about 1.5 weeks

I wanted to take the final in the morning, but clients were keeping me on my toes today!! It’s always fun and I love what I do.

There is no way I would pull all this off if I were not sober. Shit, I wouldn’t have been able to even answer the phone today. It shocks me how my life used to be.

Reading @cwak’s check-in today is what it’s all about. Getting accepted to the number one graduate school you wanted!?! That’s huge. Congrats!

That’s why I’m trying to post here everyday. Gratitude keeps us going.

Being quarantined again, literally after just getting out of quarantine, would have given me permission to spiral into a bender and pretend to be “very sick”. Instead, I’ve been highly productive and also allowing myself some flexibility to start my day a little later.

Love to you all, and always remember, each day gives us many gifts because we’re sober. We may get used to it and not see it after a while. So take time to reflect on your day and realize the little things that sobriety is bringing you

[Girlinterrupted]

Struggling a bit this weekend with my 15-year-old. Her dad and step mom have her pretty alienated. I was exposed to Covid on the 21st and found out on the 25th. I had my daughter from the 22nd-24th. So, I of course tell her dad and say it’s probably best to keep Her away from his wife. She’s pregnant with twins. Unfortunately, they were all in the car together on their way home.

When I was exposed, it was literally my first day out of self quarantine due to another exposure. So anyway, I was asking him what he wanted to do. I said I would totally understand if he wanted to not have her come here for a while. He just goes OK thanks. I snap chatted her multiple times during the week and she ignored me. So I figured he was going to keep her with him. So, at 5:30pm on Friday he texts “Meeting at 7?” Seriously??? So I said I could do 7:30.

When we met up I apologized, but said no one communicated with me that she would be coming home this weekend. Then he looks at his texts and was like oh, I was really busy when I was texting you. Whatever guy, no biggie. But I know they were bad mouthing me in front of the kids for being late, and then felt stupid because we left it up in the air. I don’t play their games. I’m polite and don’t let them know it gets to me.

Here’s the part that gets to me. The whole way home Ava is lecturing me how I shouldn’t be in the elevator and I should have told her Dad not to bring her. Elevator, sorry. I hate that I have to do it, but I have a dog that has to go out. I don’t touch the buttons and wait for an empty elevator when I can. I can’t control who comes in after me. I always, always, always wear my mask. Plus, I was never within six feet of the gal that exposed me, so this is just me being extra cautious. I don’t want to be responsible for making anyone sick.

Anyway, after my lecture about the elevators and not telling Craig to bring her here. I said, I told you multiple times and I had a long conversation with your father about it. If you guys weren’t comfortable with it, you should have stayed home. She’s so freaking connected to her dad. I honestly think she strictly tolerates me because I gave birth to her. I told her that she’s 15 and old enough to make decisions for herself. I explained no one communicated with me, and I was notified at the last second that you’re coming home. So she gets upset, rolls her eyes, and goes “fine, it’s dad’s fault” I said it’s no one’s fault. It was a lack of communication.

After my whole lecture, she asks for f we can go to the gym last night. I was like I don’t think that’s a good idea sweetie, I need to quarantine for another week. Then she gets mad about that. So she only cares one way or the other when it effects her.

I get she’s a teenager, but everything I do just disgusts her. Her step mom absolutely loathes me and I know she talks shit about me in front of my kids. My ex does not have a mind of his own. Never did. It’s one of the reasons I fell out of love with him. I couldn’t respect him and his victim mentality is off the charts. Everyone, including the kids, buys into it. I used to also. One day his wife will wake up, but until then, they will continue to villainize me in front of my kids.

Right now this post doesn’t sound very positive. However, I am able to deal with this rationally because I’m sober. It was of course hard to hold my tongue. I of course feel crippling pain that my daughter and I have never bonded and I don’t know if we ever will.

I could have made 7pm, but I wanted to give a consequence without being confrontational. Was it passive aggressive, sort of. It was intentional in order to teach a lesson. So I’m not sure if it qualifies.

As for my daughter, I sure was hurting last night. She looks at me with same detest her father did right before I left him. In the past this would have turned into a huge fight. But I just kept my mouth shut and minded my business.

She goes back to her dad tonight. I will tell him it’s probably best to keep her there until after the babies come and obviously for some time after. Does it hurt? Hell yes! I can’t imagine the state I would be in if I were not sober. It’s said often with sober folks, my worst day sober is still exponentially better than my best day drunk.

[Girlinterrupted]

Well, my 15-year-old is stealing and lying again. I was really hoping that was behind us. When things go missing, I’m really hard on myself and get very upset because I’m scared dementia is starting. My brain injuries and drinking make it inevitable. My daughter allowed me to worry about this. Even said did you check here or there. All the while she stole things and hid them in her bag. I hate that I have to search this kid.

I ended up calling her dad yesterday about it and also spoke up about my feelings. His wife is such an enabler that she has further victimized me by what he did to me. I hate that word, but it’s exactly what it is. What he did was wrong on so many levels and the cops were wrong. I’m completely terrified of cops and don’t trust them. The situation gave me PTSD and I can’t even be near a cop without hate in my heart, flashbacks, and physical reactions. This happened in 2012 and it feels like just yesterday. His wife is mad at me because I said he doesn’t get to judge me after what he did to me. She’s so obsessed with him that she can see what’s real.

Anyway, the conversation was uncomfortable, I’m terrified to fight with him because then I get bullied by her. The can’t wait until my youngest can drive so I don’t need to deal with this anymore.

I’m proud of myself for speaking up and I felt better after, but I still have years of healing to do. If this never happened, maybe I would have never met my 2nd husband and I wouldn’t have multiple brain injuries and back damage. I was too scared to call the police because I’d rather die by my husband’s hands than trust the police. The times I was in the hospital I refused to press charges. I lied about what happened each time and they obviously didn’t believe me. I’m sure it was frustrating for those around me. I will die before I ever trust “law enforcement” I’m getting furious typing this so I’ll stop before I say something offensive. I will say, the only thing I’ve ever had hate in my heart for is cops. I trusted them to protect me. I also trusted my husband to protect me. That was the most fucked up weekend of my life and I don’t know if I’ll be able to work past it.

So the positive? I was able to express myself eloquently and considerately because I was sober. In the past I would be a crying and berating mess. To this day, that weekend is the only thing I’m able to cry about.

[Girlinterrupted]

Be been thinking a lot about my daughter’s issues, and I decided to write her a letter. Aside from her integrity issues, there is something severely wrong with her emotionally. Her father is 100% against her getting therapy and I think he’s afraid of what will come out. She was traumatized by seeing him hurt me multiple times. She also had the trauma of an alcoholic mother. No kid should have to grow up seeing a parent like that. There were way too many times that she had to make phone calls to relatives because she thought I was dead.

Legally, I’m not allowed to get her therapy without her father’s consent, so I’m just going to play the angle with the focus completely on my fuck ups.

Anyway, the letter I sent her was pretty long and I guess I’ll just post it here. My other daughter said: (slaps is a hood thing btw lol)

Here’s the letter:

Hi Kitten, Hickory Tavern is not really within walking distance. I wanted to talk to you, but I also realize how uncomfortable that makes you. I love you so, so much. I’m so proud of your grades and your talents.

However, I do need to let you know that I’m really disappointed with what happened this weekend. Apparently, it’s been going on for a little while. This is a huge integrity issue, and you know how important integrity is for me. The stealing and lying has to stop. I can’t have you come here if you’re going to continue to disrespect me, lie to me, and steal from me. My assumption is that you also have my thermometer.

I fear that you will bring these habits to a job. As I mentioned many times in the past, you will end up in jail if you do this at work or when you hit 18. That’s a huge concern of mine. I’m not sure where the line is drawn, and I don’t understand your reasoning. I will never understand if you do not talk to me. I don’t think you realize what a serious issue this is. It should not be taken lightly and you need consequences. Again, none of this takes any of my love away from you, but I’m deeply concerned and we need to nip this in the bud before you end up getting in legal trouble.

I need you to help me understand why you do it. I don’t feel it’s that you want these things, because you’re pretty good about asking for things when you want them.

I’m going to need a letter of apology from you, as well as an explanation to the best of your ability as to why you continue with this behavior. It’s OK if you don’t fully understand why, it may take some time until you realize that. But in the meantime, you need to start by taking accountability, being honest, and apologizing when you treat people poorly.

I’m your mother, I will love you unconditionally for as long as my soul floats around this universe. In order for you to come back here, I’m going to need that letter described above, and some understanding of this behavior. Of course, I prefer to talk to you, but I know that is very hard for you. So we can start with this. If you prefer to talk or FaceTime, I would love that.

I know I have not been a great mom in the past, and I wish to God I could take every crappy thing back that I’ve ever done. Unfortunately, that is not possible. Therefore, I can only promise to be the very best mother to you going forward. That entails making some tough decisions that might make you very angry with me. My job is to raise you to be an awesome, honest, good, kind, hardworking, and decent adult. If that means I have to be tough sometimes, then that’s what I’ll have to do. You are an incredible human with a super bright future ahead of you. We need to get these behaviors sorted out before they start impacting your life negatively.

I strongly feel that you need therapy. You’ve been through a lot. It’s not normal to have an alcoholic mother, and I’m glad you’ll never have to see that again. However, I can assure you that’s it’s done damage, and you’ll need to work through that. You’ve also been through some trauma that you don’t remember. It’s only safe to approach that with a licensed professional.

I want you to be happy. I want you to be confident. I want all of your dreams to come true. You’ll need to start now. You’re very close to becoming an adult, and it’s completely possible to be a happier version of yourself.

There is no rush on this letter, please take your time, and please try to be honest about your feelings. I can’t help you unless you let me in Kitty Cat. Something tells me that it would be easier to do this way since you seem to get angry and shut down when I try to talk to you.

I love you more than life itself kiddo. Have sweet dreams and we’ll discuss work when we get some of these issues worked out. xoxo

[Girlinterrupted]

So yeah, it went pretty much as expected. However, I’m deeply disappointed. She’s exactly like her father:

i don’t understand why you sent me an email but it was eyeliner talking about me going to prison in my future and worrying about me taking from my future jobs is the dumbest thing ive ever heard its EYELINER and i didnt take your thermometer now what would i use that for and the sewing kit i didnt know i had bc the last time i had it was probably july or august to sew my pants now how am i supposed to remember that. i dont need therapy i am perfectly fine without it so stop bothering me about it, i dont care you dont have to have me over again because im not writing an apology letter. you dont need to text dad about everything bc its not his problem its me and your problem thats it.

I did not reply. After a bit of back and forth with her father, I realized it’s a losing battle. He completely defended her and said that therapy would just make it worse. He also said that when I try to hold her accountable, it’s counterproductive.

He’s ignoring me now and it appears that I’m estranged from my daughter. I had a good long ugly cry about it last night. Cried on the phone with my friend today too, but hid it. I find it humiliating to cry in front of people. I’m glad I’ve been able to cry sober, but the “feelings” that make me cry suck. I still don’t know exactly what the feelings are. I do know that I feel invisible and disposable. I could hire a lawyer for alienation, but I honestly think that would make everything worse.

I am so glad I am sober for so many reasons. I can’t imagine the shit show otherwise. I would probably be drinking myself to death right now. However, if I were still drinking, I wouldn’t be sticking up for what I believe in. I would care more about my daughter liking me than raising her to be a decent human being. Looks like I may not get the chance, but I’ll be damned if I contribute to it. The alienation comes from his parents too. They hate me for leaving him. Even though they know what he did to me. My ex and his mom forged my signature on his student loan once. I found out a while later. So this shady shit runs in his family and I strongly feel there’s a genetic component.

My therapist loved my letter, but thinks I should have left out the apology. My older daughter really needed me to be accountable, but I hadn’t realized how my younger daughter and ex use it as a weapon against me. I’m slowly catching on. I’ll get there.

Today was a rough day, but I made it through. Drinking wasn’t an option and the thought repulses me. This is a freaking miracle.

[Sam7]

I’m sorry. That sounds really difficult. Sometimes kids just need time. I cringe at some of the awful things I said and did to my parents when I was a teenager. Perhaps your daughter will come around and realize you love her and are only trying to help. You should definitely keep on holding her accountable. Kids need that. It’s so easy to let kids get away with stuff. But that’s not our job as parents. We’re meant to challenge them and help them become their best selves. Hang in there. You’re doing the right thing.

[Girlinterrupted]

Thank you so much , it’s been an ongoing battle with her dad. They have the same personality. The dynamic is a long boring story. My ex probably has the strongest victim mentality I’ve ever seen in a person. He’s pointed blame his whole life and that’s why he lies, steals, cheats, and ultimately physically abused me which she witnessed.

His parents tried like hell to get him straight. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. Anyway, he’s been estranged from his own father for 20 years. I’ve actually never been able to bond with her, she’s had a very strong attachment to her dad since birth. It was actually kind of creepy. There is definitely a genetic component. Knowing them both as well as I do, I’m honestly not sure what to expect. My ex is extremely good looking and brilliant at making people feel sorry for him. People easily coddle him because of this. I was the same. It took me years to realize that he had a problem because he’s otherwise a sweet guy. I don’t even know that this is intentional on his end. It might be, or maybe not. So, he has his wife, his family, and my kids, even cops convinced he’s this poor victim. He almost killed me one night, I had enough and finally called the cops. I was wounded and bloody, yet I was the one that got arrested snd spent a weekend in jail.

I could have let the abuse go if he got help. He had ptsd from Afghanistan and in all our years together never put his hands on me until after that. Anyway, the fact that he allowed the police to take me, knowing what he had just done to me, was the absolute end of our marriage. So now here I am with ptsd, but cops. I’m terrified of them. Flashback, freak out, and panic when I see them. When my last husband really gave it to me, I chose to die rather than call the police.

Anyway, my hope is that one day his wife wakes up. She’s a decent person for the most part. I think anyway. She bought into his boo hoo story so much that we are no longer friends. Ok, I’m babbling.

Looking forward to another sober day. And thanks to the sweet baby Jesus that I’m dealing with this sober!

[Girlinterrupted]

Well… If this isn’t a perfectly timed Timehop Wow.

[Sam7]

OMG! You have been through some serious sh#&! But you’re here. Sober and stronger than ever. Keeping doing the right thing.

[Lisa07]

Wow! That was perfect timing.

[Misokatsu]

Sorry, I haven’t read all the thread all the way back. About the current problem, it sounds like your daughter is testing the waters with what she can and cannot get away with. I agree that boundaries need to be lovingly enforced (like you are already doing). I think time and increasing maturity will help her realise you were right.

[Girlinterrupted]

Well… if she’s anything like her dad, which she definitely is, I might be waiting a very, very long time. He’s going on 20 years not talking to his father. Same reasoning, his Dad had the nerve to try to hold him accountable
I can always hope, but I’m not having a good feeling about it.

[Misokatsu]

But ur daughter has had the benefit of u in her life until now. Ur ex had a totally different childhood.

[Girlinterrupted]

Awwwww, you made me smile Thank you!

[Girlinterrupted]

Topic of the day: War Stories

Now this is my own story, I’m not bashing or judging, I’m simply explaining what is counterproductive for me. I realize war stories may help some. It’s a large part of a very popular and successful recovery community, and in no way do I want this to sound like I’m knocking a program that has saved so many lives. It just didn’t save mine, and before the judgy judging kicks in, I worked the program very hard over the years. I had sponsors and sponsees, I chaired meetings and made coffee, came early and left late, I was the jackass that put origami dollars in the basket, went everyday and made great friends, worked my steps with numerous sponsors. My first rehab (9 month humiliation based treatment center, I didn’t hate it ) and my first meeting was in 1987. I’ve attended in NY, FL, and NC. FL was by far my favorite bunch of people and I loved it.

So why do I mention war stories? I realized time and again the same thing was happening, I was either getting filled with rage listening to the same war stories every single day from the same people. Or, I would compare myself and think that no way am I an alcoholic, because I’ve never done any of that shit. Until I did. There is a huge culture of “If I go back out, I will die” this is a huge trigger for me. I feel like there is too much focus on the past and negativity and not enough focus on present and future. That’s not a place I want to live.

Now, on the other hand, I see how this can be helpful as well, and obviously it is. However, some people battle with certain trauma and mental illness which makes this program counterproductive. It’s irresponsible to blame someone for saying it isn’t for them just because it worked for you. I have mad respect for the success with that program, but find it reprehensible to be chastised for saying it didn’t work for me. As soon as these words are spoken you get berated that you didn’t work the program correctly. It’s so irresponsible and hurtful to people who are doing what they need to do to get sober.

I’m treating my addiction to alcohol and mental illness with therapy and medication. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM TRULY HAPPY. Sobriety is not a one size fits all, and if I don’t do it your way, I should not be condescended to, or told there is something wrong with me snd that I didn’t do it right.

There is a sober dude on TikTok that I like quite a bit. However, the other day he posted pics with his yellow eyes and all that. I had to take myself out of me. Would this scare someone straight? Not me. It would make me feel like I had a whole lot of drinking left in me. But I’m not a one size fits all. So maybe it does scare people enough to quit. I don’t know.

So, long story longer, I keep my story as vague as possible because I wish that when I first tried to stop drinking at 16 it stuck. But nope, I didn’t have a problem because I wasn’t like these people. BUT I WAS. I just couldn’t see it yet because I was comparing myself. Should I have been? I’m sure everyone would say no, but with my mental illness and insecurities, it was literally impossible not to. Had I just realized the fact that from the very first time alcohol touched my lips I couldn’t stop once I started, I could have saved a lot of miserable years. But I’m me and I like to learn the hard way

That’s just my $0.02. It’s been weighing heavily on me. So I protect my self from things that are counterproductive for ME, and surround myself with what works for ME. We should never have to defend our sobriety just because it’s not somebody else’s way.

Do I have room to talk with less than a year under my belt? A lot of folks would say no. I say absofuckinglutely! No one knows me the way I do. I’ve never felt the way I do now.

I’m so bad at expressing what I want to say, so I hope it came out ok.

[Fury]

I heard something from a bit of an old timer that stuck with me,

It’s everyone’s right and importance to share, you can learn something from everyone, whether they are on day 1 or day 1 million, each of us has our own battle, we all ended up at the same spot, in this room.

So don’t hold yourself to a year , share now you can change others and save their lives.

I enjoy your journey, It gave me the courage to share mine

[Misokatsu]

It sounds like u really gave meetings a shot. I do one a week (online) it really helps ground me. But I do hear ur point about how they can become war stories comparison meetings. Especially if u go to the same home group u probably hear the same ones over and over. A couple of weeks ago a meeting became a “who has pissed themselves” pageant. I am so happy that u have found something that works for u. Keep working ur program.

[Girlinterrupted]

Plus the ones here are past my bedtime
I definitely don’t hate them and love them in small doses.

I still like to go once and a while, see friends speak and celebrate anniversaries

[Girlinterrupted]

I’m allowing myself a “sick” day today. I’m under the weather and just feeling funky, like drugged up or something. I have a lot of studying and homework to do. I also have a webinar in an hour. Thanks to technology, I can do it all from the comfort of my bed. It drives me crazy to sit still, but I’m hearing my body loud and clear.

It’s crazy, because my guilt comes from my bullshit stories I would make up while drinking. I had every excuse in the book why I couldn’t work or have to reschedule meetings. So naturally, taking a day off makes me feel guilty and not what it actually is, self care.

I’m so grateful for my sobriety. The things that are happening in my life, both good and bad are proof of how much better my life is sober. Today the thought of drinking repulses me. However, I’m fully aware that could change five minutes from now. Keeping it real over here and keeping my toolbox filled.