I loveeeeee you more you goddess!!!
1 Like
Just stumbled upon your post…thank you for it! I feel the same way, every day 
So happy to learn that now, months later, you have an amazing relationship with your children…sending hugs your way! Congrats on the amazing work!
3 Likes
Thank you soooo much!!!
3 Likes
Whelp, just a quick update because I’m procrastinating on the laundry list of garbage that I need to be doing. I’m sofa king tired, so might just start off with a bullet list and elaborate on each thing here and there.
I guess I should begin with:
I checked a few days ago hoping to be able to catch 1,000. Oops!
Anyway….
I’ve been sick. For years they thought MS, now they are thinking no. So, testing for leukemia, polycythemia Vera, other blood and bone marrow disorders, ALS, Lupus, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Who knows, time will tell. I need blood transfusions monthly for my stupid blood.
Had to put business on back burner and let them k for work
Parents betrayed my trust by in a way that I can never forgive. If you know me, that’s huge. It’s actually fucked me up in every area of my life. I can’t trust anyone or anything and I hate it. That’s not who I am, yet I can’t turn it off.
Got a job that I detested. I can’t even talk about it without getting angry. I would come home and sob everyday. I was grateful to be alive, I was planning to end my life if I couldn’t find work, had just 2 weeks until D-Day when I started. I was grateful that I had a roof over my head, but I was so conflicted because of how I was treated.
Got fired from the job I detested. Oh, sorry, I mean my position was “eliminated” 
and right before Christmas. My severance package after only being there six months shows me that they knew they were wrong. I had to sign something saying that in order to get severance that I wouldn’t sue. Whatever dumbasses, as soon as it’s done, I’ll make up my mind. The contract was bullshit as I was coerced and it was signed under duress. I’m heartbroken and will get into it at some point. Right now I’m grateful that I put a bomb as group health plan in place before my exit, AND that they are paying for my COBRA until the end of June. Have fun with next year’s rates with my blood transfusions, MRIs, spinal tap, bone marrow test, etc. fuckers.
I have been looking for work since December with zero luck. I have never had issues finding work before. However, I’ve never been in my 50’s looking for work either. So much has changed since 20 years ago.
I got 2 new dogs. They are being trained to be PSDs and will also accomplish light medical duties. They are so sweet and they saved my life.
Steven
Zsa Zsa
Started school back up again because I had to drop out because I was working 90 hour weeks for those fucking fucktards. I can’t.
I’m staring homelessness in the face again and it’s terrifying. This time I thought of going to Mexico, but ultimately decided against it because I wasn’t sure how to address the dogs. I could get an Airbnb for 7 months in Mexico for less than one month’s rent here.
I looked into downsizing to the apartment next door to mine. It’s about half the size of this one, but the rent was only $800 less per month. I would have to put so much in storage. Also, since the move would be “early” and they can’t take that unit off the market, they wanted me to pay a transfer fee. Nah, The leasing office wouldn’t budge at all. I took a 10% increase in rent this year and they stopped doing 18 month nth leases.
Because I’m not well, I can’t accomplish the things that I need and/or want to. I’ve dealt with the pain for so long, I can suck that up. The fatigue just seems to amplify as time passes.
Speaking of which, I’ve fallen asleep multiple times writing this. I’ll write more, because there is so much more lol. I’m so, so unhappy and stressed
I’m going to take all three dogs out and hope they behave. Steven likes to run in circles around my legs 
16 Likes
I’m sincerely sorry that everything has been so challenging for you.
I hope that you start getting better news, than worse news, and that you start to see a turn around in your health and that that will carry on over to other areas of your life.
I will think positive thoughts for you, healing thoughts, that answers and good solutions will come
to some of your challenges.
I’m glad that you have the three dogs, for Companionship, Comfort, love and the bit of exercise that you do get with them.
I’m glad you checked in. Big hugs, lots of love.
Again, thinking best possible thoughts for you during this hard time.
5 Likes
Glad to see you friend, sorry for the shitty circumstances. Hope venting here helps a little bit. Big hugs. 
5 Likes
Hey girl, hey! Sorry things have been rough - sounds awful. The medical is a difficult spot when you don’t know. I went through a barrage of tests related to the migraines I get only to find out I get migraines. Really. I do hope you get some answers soon. Sending hugs. How’s your girl?!
4 Likes
Nice to hear from you. Too bad it’s not all good stuff. Life is giving you some shit sandwiches lately, especially on the medical side. Hope some positivity comes your way very soon.
Your doggies are adorable though. Hopefully, they brighten your days. 
4 Likes
Oof you’ve had, and still have, alot going on girl! Sending the hugest of hugs to you. Those numbers - 1048, speak volumes though - you’re one resilient, fierce, gorgeous and inspiring soul! I’m really hoping life stops throwing curve balls at you and that some positive news comes your way real soon… Love you x
4 Likes
Glad to see you and to hear you are staying sober. Sorry life is being so tough. I guess America doesn’t have great housing benefits if you are unemployed? Can you move to a cheaper area? I guess work opportunities would also reduce? I’m sure I won’t think of anything you haven’t already. Keep in touch 
4 Likes
Wow. Dang. You really could use a break from that shit show. I’m glad you’re still here and still rocking sober.
3 Likes
I love you all so much, thank you!
I need to think of a list of stuff like @Lisa07 said, shit sandwiches lol
- Shit Sandwiches
- Turd Tacos
- Poop paninis
- Diarrhea dumplings
Hmmmmm
Anyway, all your replies mean a lot to me. I’m in a scary place and I don’t have much, if any, control over my destiny right now. It’s a dark feeling like my road is ending. Am I wasting my time trying at this point? Do I just “enjoy” these last days with a roof over my head? It’s unrealistic to think I’m magically not going to be sick and in so much fucking pain 24/7, and that I will have a job in the next few weeks.
I have 12 months left on my lease. My rent is just shy of $3,000 per month. I’m paid up until the end of May, but no idea after that. I can cover rent for May, but not my bills. It’s so stressful.
I hate having this damn victim mentality right now, but fuck. My life has been a string of absolute torture, trauma, and bullshit from the time I was 7. WTF did I do to deserve this shit? Do I have zero self awareness? Am I a bad person and I’m too stupid to realize it?? Did I do something horrible in a past life that I’m paying for in this one? I take ownership for my bad decisions, I do. Because many led to my trauma, but it’s still trauma and I have the long list of mental illnesses that come with that.
Steven, my puppy, already knows how to snap me out of dissociation. It’s wild. I haven’t even started training them yet.
Anyway, thanks guys. You are all so special to me. I know I don’t get in here much anymore. I’ve just been so unhappy, scared, reclusive, and hurt.
I don’t know what else to say, I just love y’all 
9 Likes
That’s why I appreciate this place so much. That I don’t feel the need to please people with my now so happy happy life, now being sober. I can come here, sober, and often life sucks anyway.
And yours a lot at the moment from what I can understand. It must be awful and I really hope you will find a way that is working for you.
Though we cannot maybe help you to solve your problems we are here to vent, feel and connect which is so important. Not being judged.
7 Likes
The most important thing of course is your Health.
I’m hoping that they find some good answers for you and that you will be on your way to healing.
Don’t say no to it until you know that healing really isn’t going to happen.
Health problems sometimes can be so bad and then end up with a turn around. I hope this will be the case with you.
First of all they have to figure it out. I know that you are hurting physically and mentally.
Nobody wants to change their lifestyle, I get that. Sometimes things are necessary.
Editing to add… lots of us want to change our lifestyle, that is what TS is all about. Correcting to include that and say that not many of us want to have our standard of living lowered.
I have several friends who have gone into section 8 housing, I’m going to check with them and make sure that’s what it is, They all had disabilities that ended up making them where they cannot work and they lost the income that they had had before.
One of them a number of years ago said she could get section 8 housing Even in Hawaii if she wanted.
I went to her apartment and it was nice, it was clean, it was warm, it was roomy and it had air conditioning. The parking lot was clean, the neighbors were nice, she had a washing machine and dryer this was about and 2011.
I have another friend who has just gone into very low income housing in Oregon due to disabilities that she has now where she is unable to work.
She is getting different surgeries done with her I guess Medicaid, she has housing that she is happy with, I think she pays $200 a month for it, and she has assistance with a lot other things, I’m not sure what all.
So concentrate on your good health first and whatever you give up now to get through everything you have to get through, I will hope that at some point you will be able to get back a lot of it.
I have faith and know that you are capable of so much when you are able.
Right now you’re having disabilities that are preventing you from being your ordinary self.
I’m sincerely sorry, will say prayers, send thoughts and hope for the best for you.
I will check with my friend in Oregon and find out if she is indeed in section 8. She likes it and it has helped her. Both of these women are getting more healthcare than the ordinary person and getting it basically for free.
Big hugs. Big thoughts for healing and that you will make it through these hard, hard challenges.
4 Likes
Thank you, though I hope it doesn’t come to that (I do realize it’s an option). My city is in crisis so there is quite the waiting list, plus, due to my earning potential, I would never want to add to that waiting list when so many do not have the same. I had booked an Airbnb in Mexico and was so close to going. My last severance check would have covered a year’s worth of living expenses there. I chickened out, mainly because I have 3 dogs and was scared I wouldn’t be able to bring them all. I also don’t enjoy living, so I don’t see myself taking measures to prolong it to be honest. I’m one of the people that is just over here waiting to die. I’ve been this way since I was a kid, and it is what it is I guess.
3 Likes
I’ve seen you have lots of bad hard things in your life and I’m sorry. I know that you have had hard a good bit of your life if not all of it.
Hugs for all those hard hurts. .
And now you have your physical disability you have to deal with.
I understand how all this can be overwhelming.
I’ve also seen you being in a seemingly good place in your life.
My hope for you is that you can come up from the bottom some and at least get to a mid range if not to a high range.
You have so much to give. You are so smart and you’re very kind and giving.
I guess right now it’s just to try to think of something each day that will be good for you and make you feel good about living.
Might be it’s your dogs and that’s fine.
I’m sorry it’s such a hard time for you and I hope you get some answers on the physical part. You have friends here on the site who care for you and your well-being, mental, physical and sobriety wise.
If your day is super super dark you can always call at 988 number or text them just to have somebody to talk to.
If you need the housing resources then you need them. Do not feel like you’re taking them from someone else or you are the only previously high earner who needs them.
I’m not sure what the rules are for taking animals to Mexico. If you look into it be sure to look at what the rules are to bring them back into the United States.
That will probably be the harder part.
Big hugs for you, lots of concern and thoughts for you and your current situation. Checking in at the site here might be good for you to feel like you’re not so alone.
You are a part of this community and people care.
2 Likes
I second Alisa here. You are a part of this place and surely you have some irl people who love you. We care.
I’ve been suicidal and wanting to die. Like addiction, it’s a disease. People kept convincing me for reasons to live but I didn’t really care. In the first year, I merely accepted the fact I’m still alive. I chose to exist through that one day at a time. Days turned into weeks and months, just dragging on. Slowly and gradually, the fog started to lift with prayer, therapy and meds. Fast forward 5 years, and I’ve been gifted the very thing I thought I’d never have. I got married 8 days ago.
My path isn’t your path. What I’m trying to say is that as long as you’re alive, there are chances even when all hope is gone. I don’t know if something happened in your childhood that brought a death wish on your life. I’m sorry. I wish I could go there and hold that little girl. I wish I could help you get thru this. Your life is worth living 
5 Likes
@Alisa & @Olivia Thanks ladies 🩷
I should probably word it differently. I’m not suicidal, it’s more so that I don’t have it in me to start over. Especially with being sick and going through blood transfusions. Like, I literally don’t have it in me physically anymore, and mentally I’m in the same boat. If I’ve learned one thing later in life, it’s that hard work does not yield success. I had this canvas in my office with a picture of Harvey Specter (a character from the show suits) with the following quote:
I can’t believe I was 50 when I realized this is bullshit. I’ve spent the last 3.5 years barely sleeping and working my ass off. All it got me was sick, unemployed, and on the verge of losing everything.
The other issue is that I’ve never truly enjoyed or appreciated being alive. I feel guilty when I see people so full of life and love of being alive, then they get taken from earth, but ungrateful and unhappy me is still here. It doesn’t seem fair. My sweet niece was the same way. We really got each other. People, especially our family, don’t understand what it’s like to literally be sad your entire life. Of course I have decent moments and happy times. However, underneath is this nagging heartache that I can’t describe. Medication and therapy have helped, but the underlying despair seems to stubbornly stay put.
If I were younger and not sick, I would pull this off. I would hope so anyway. I’m also not giving up. Last week, while dealing with the profound sadness of my niece’s passing (still can’t believe I’m saying that), I still pushed through and finished my degree. I still applied to hundreds of jobs. It’s very scary. I don’t want to get into my whole situation and why I’m feeling trapped with zero control over my destiny, but I can ensure anyone reading this, that if even a tiny option exists, I have explored it at length.
I still have this tiny sliver of hope that something will happen before June 1st. It ain’t over until it’s over.
The truth in the US is that a woman over 50 looking for work is invisible. I’ve taken all the advice, tried everything, and now it’s up to fate. If a miracle does not happen by next Friday, I can’t pay my rent. What really sucks is knowing that I’m just one of many many many people in the same situation. In what world can I not get a job? This is absolutely insane.
I’m so glad I was a sugar momma to my last husband and dumb enough to let him bleed me dry because I believed in him. Then when I needed help, I get “I need to think about myself right now”. Right now??? He didn’t work for 90% of our time together. I literally supported him. He was a house husband, which I actually don’t mind a single bit. I’m more than ok with it because it helps me. He got a job shortly before we split. However, when I left, he went to live with his mom, no rent and no bills. Just fun and drinking at bars with his friends. I loved and trusted him at one point, and I guess I don’t regret it because it’s who I am.
The good part is that after what happened with my parents last year and this job I lost for Christmas 
changed my ability to trust. I’ve always found people saying “I can’t trust” and “I have walls up” to be silly and overly dramatic. Like shut up with your dramatic angst. I will never use the term “I have walls up” lol. Nope. I can admit, that right now, I am unable to trust anything or anyone. I don’t like being this way. I’ve always blindly trusted until given a reason not to. Now, I guess after what my parents did (don’t want to elaborate) and that last job, it just kind of happened. Is there not a happy medium? This is silly.
Anyway, here I go babbling again. The only thing that will get me through this is a miracle. So, I’m asking for all the prayers. Like all of them lol. Please pray Beth gets a miracle before D-Day!!
And do you know what??? I deserve it. I’m a good person and I care so deeply for others. I have to remember that I’m a people too and deserve the same love and acceptance I give to others. Especially the grace I give to others.
Worst case, I hop in the car with my dogs and whatever I can fit, and drive down to the keys, find a secluded area on a beach, set up a tent, and live the simple life 
10 Likes
You are good people and you do deserve a miracle. Praying for you, Beth! 
4 Likes
All good thoughts and vibes your way dear Beth. You deserve the best. I know it doesn’t always happen but we can hope. 
4 Likes