GirlInterrupted: Running with Scissors ✂️

Beth, I just want you to know that you are loved. Jenny from Kansas City you and is praying. You are indeed a kind and caring person. I connect to your feelings, and I appreciate your trust/faith in us to she them here.


I agree 100% :revolving_hearts::100::100::100::100: This is key and exactly why good things are coming for you. I believe it! I can send out a prayer but I already know in my heart whatever you need is already on it’s way to you.
My heart breaks hearing about your niece. I was following along back when she had that terrible accident. Addiction is a bitch and #fuckfentanyl. I’m so sorry babe.


I love you guys so much :face_holding_back_tears:


I’ve been thinking about you with June 1 coming up. I’m glad that you’ve been coming to the site. I have hopes and prayers that you are going to be OK. Physically, habitat/home wise and everything else.
Big hugs, lots of love for your well-being and a place to live.


I’m still struggling to cope with the loss of my niece, and I find myself going through our texts a lot. It obviously makes me very emotional and I feel like I’m still in denial. When I look at her sweet, yet pained, face on her little contact photo, I catch myself starting to text her. Sometimes I see it and get excited like I got a text from her because I keep her pinned to the top of my texts.

We always have had each other to lean on. We didn’t fit in with our family. Being sensitive or showing any type of emotion or empathy was frowned upon and considered weak. My dad and sister love to talk about themselves and how wonderful and important they are. It’s very difficult to be around and I gave up trying to participate in any conversation long ago as I always get talked over like I’m not even there. I’m invisible.

My niece and I were twins personality wise. However, it also made us the black sheep. We were looked down on as less than, inadequate, and failures. Nothing we did would ever change that because their thoughts about us had nothing to do with us. It was some stupid made up version of us they created, because, gasp, we were human beings with emotion. There was literally nothing we could do or accomplish that would earn so much as a pat on the back or respect.

We went to the same therapist and had releases for each other since we were so intertwined :white_heart:
Here’s some of it :pensive:

It’s pretty hard to read through, yet I find myself doing it over and over again. Sometimes it makes me feel like she’s still here. Other times it makes me just sob.

My sister is a piece of work. I haven’t really talked to her until this all happened with my niece. I’m a human being and I have naturally jumped into compassion mode. It’s just so emotionally conflicting right now. On one hand, I think about the relationship my sister had with my niece, and how much it hurts as a child to never feel the approval of a parent. Then going down the rabbit hole of addiction, desperately trying to find acceptance at the bottom of a bottle.

I’m angry at my sister, I secretly blame her for what happened. However, at the same time my heart absolutely aches for her. I find myself thinking about what it’s like being in her shoes right now. I want to take away her pain, but I also want to shake the fuck out of her and beg her to wake the fuck up and stop being such a cruel piece of shit.

:pleading_face: and this is where I just fucking lose it :pleading_face:

This is so hard. I try to be there for her dad and siblings too. For those who remember , her dad was the one I helped out when he relapsed and my sister was over it. They weren’t split up just yet but close. I was also leaving work at lunch every day to take my niece to school at the time because she got a head injury in gymnastics and could only go half days. No matter how many times I brought up her TBI to her mom to consider as contributing her issues, it was brushed off as she’s just weak and emotional.

I’m trying to be there for everyone and putting myself on the back burner. Maybe because I realize that I don’t have anyone to be there for me. I live alone and I’m going through this alone. I said something to my mom about it because, I can’t remember. I kind of lost it when my niece died and was so disgusted with my family for obvious reasons. We have both been screaming for help to no avail. No one takes us seriously. Now she’s gone, and my parents ignore the fact that I might be soon too. I’m not there quite yet. But, if everything falls apart, I have no desire to rebuild at my age and being a sick as I am. I don’t have it in me. Plus, I would be way too fucking pissed at the world. Anyway, my mother goes “omg, I didn’t even think about that, I don’t know why I thought the girls were with you”.

I disowned my family last year. Mainly my father, but as mentioned before, I kind of ghosted my sister. When she called about my niece being in the hospital, that was probably the first time in a year and a half that we spoke.

Being that I decided to remove myself from my family, and essentially anyone that I feel worse about myself when they’re around, I was no longer attending family functions. So, I started a little spin off family :pleading_face:

I don’t know when this will stop hurting so much. I’m doing everything I can to support my other niece and nephew and it has meant a lot to them. Err’one loves them some aunt Beth. I may have been a fuck up at one point, but my kids and my sister’s kids never have, and never will, ever have to doubt for a single second how much I love them. How much I believe in them, and that I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that the sun, the moon, the stars, and the whole universe revolves around them. I have always made it a mission to give the love in life that I never received. Not only with family, but everyone I encounter. I do my best anyway. I’m sure I fuck up, but I never want anyone else to know what this feels like. I wonder if my niece would still be here if she had her mother’s acceptance. I wonder if my life would be different if I got the love and acceptance from my father that my sister got.

My mother is trying to get us together for a talk. However, I don’t think I could handle seeing my father and I honestly have no desire to ever again. We have never had a relationship. I’ve always been a disappointment. He’s done so many things that have hurt me so deeply, that what he did to me a year and a half ago was the final straw. I finally said enough. I almost killed myself for crying out loud, except this time I didn’t want to. I felt it to be the only option as I was not going to be a burden on anyone and I wasn’t living under a bridge. It was traumatizing and it changed me. How fucked up that I spent 30+ years busting my ass, working my way up the ladder through blood, sweat, tears, and tremendous sacrifice, to not even be able to get an interview let alone a job.

The job market is rough for all, but being a woman who has aged out adds an additional barrier.

Just venting. Heartbroken. Sick of not being heard or seen. Not being worthy of love. Not a pity party, just going off my personal experience. There is something about me that just doesn’t seem to matter to people. I could disappear and no one would notice other than my kids. That’s why I try so hard to make other people feel like they matter. I don’t know what it is about me, but it’s something. I just don’t have the self awareness to figure it out :pleading_face:


The love you and your niece have for each other is beautiful. Thank you for sharing those precious memories.
I don’t like the fact that you’re being so supportive to everyone else and you have nobody. Wish I lived closer to sit with you to talk, cry and scream.
I’m not going to pretend to know the pain you’re experiencing. Instead, I send you lots of love and hugs :heart: :people_hugging:.


I wonder have you tried to hard to be everything to everyone else at the expense of your own self happiness. What makes you happy?


What an amazing bond you two had. I agree, I wish you weren’t going through this alone. Gah those texts are so so so sweet, she loved you so much. What a gift that you have those messages to read and remember her and her love for you. I’m so sorry. She seemed so sweet.

I STRONGLY disagree with this statement. You have always been one of my favorites here just the coolest person I’ve met on this app. So witty and funny, badass AF!, and cool :sunglasses: (is that still a word people use?) I was sad when you quit posting as much on here. You always had the best stories. You were definitely noticed missing on TS and I’m sure in your day to day life it rings true as well. How can it not? You are a GEM :gem:


Recovery got easy and I havent been very active on the forum. I’m doing some catching up. I relate with you. I always have. I’m happy to see you staying sober.

This seems to be a common theme of my life. I recently had some opportunities I invested into fall out from under me, and It sent me into flashbacks from my past when I lost everything sober working 100 hours a week.

Recently, I found myself not being able to find work facing possible homelessness. I have found a little work. Enough to keep me from falling to far behind on bills.

This changes things for me too. I’m 55 and it puts me in scenarios where younger applicants have a better chance at getting the job. Time flies faster the older you get. friends my age I grew up with are dying. My mortality is in my face, and I worry about financial security. My recent work falling out from under me triggered huge fears and regrets. Flashbacks… regrets… Inner alcoholic starts whispering seductive destruction… I work my program harder to stay in solution. I keep trying to do the next right thing…

Im glad your here. Sober!


Thank you sweet friend :heart: it’s been really hard. I actually talked on the phone with a friend yesterday. I don’t use my phone for that lol. It came up, and I absolutely lost it, I mean snot, the works. I haven’t had the opportunity to actually talk about it, just type. I still cry every day. It’s just so hard. I’m all over the place and even my adderall is not helping. It probably would be helpful if I actually remembered to take it. The irony. :woman_facepalming:

I’m trying to do all this positivity shit from that book “You Are a Badass”. I’ve had the book for years, so I finally bought the audio version. I like to listen to books when I shower and do my makeup. Some of it’s ok, and some of it is fluffy bullshit. However, at the end of the day, if I put positivity out there, I guess I’m supposed to get it back. So far manifesting Brad Pitt coming to my rescue on his white horse has not happened, but it’s out there in the universe, now deliver me Pitt universe!!!

I’m so grateful for you xoxoxoxo


Yes, sort of. Making other people happy makes me happy, ironic huh? My niece made me happy because she was my little ally, I’m so grateful for my other niece, and I really need to prioritize her and my sister. I’m there for my nephew, but the little shit never writes back, but he knows I’m there for him. I also prioritize my ex-brother in law. He’s devastated. He’s the one in the text where she said that me and her dad are the only ones that get her. I just scrolled up and seeing her say that she’ll always be there for me just makes me fucking lose it.

I’ll admit, I do need to take care of me. I just don’t know how. I’ll go back to therapy again if I ever get a job.


Oh girl, I just love you. Thank you! I wish you lived closer :heart:

I’ve been deadass alone since right when Covid shut everything down in March of 2020. I’ve tried to date, because it would be nice to have companionship, I think? However, I’ll start a dating account and then never look at it. If I do, I scroll scroll, maybe send a message or two and then forget that I have the app, months go by and then I look like a dick if I pick the conversation back up. I dated a guy recently that I met at BNI (it’s a networking group) years ago. He seemed really nice, but I literally cannot stand someone touching me. Even holding my hand or putting their arm around me. It makes me feel molested or violated, or something, I don’t know. But I hate it which is the polar opposite of my true inner ho!

I’m just babbling lol. I have put in on my daily trello checklist to come on here daily :slight_smile:


I sure miss seeing you on here, I’m going to make a conscious effort to be here more too. Like I just told Sarah, I put it on my daily Trello checklist, because this place is not only important to me, but I feel like I’ve been helpful to others as well. At least I hope so anyway.

It’s crazy that my life took a shit in sobriety rather than the other way around. However, just like people can’t blame a brand new president for shit that happens early in office, I can’t blame sobriety for shit that happens early in sobriety. I’m 52, when we are this old, 3 years ain’t shit. I have crap in my freezer older than that haha. The consequences in early sobriety are the impact of our actions when active. It was a baby snowball once, and now it’s a big fat mac daddy snowball rocking my world.

I’m sorry you went through that fear of homelessness. It’s just so infuriating, you know? Like, we work our asses off for a lifetime, and now it’s not worth shit because we are getting tossed into the “boomer” category, which we are NOT. We grew up with technology and were there as it evolved, and we evolved with it. But apparently we all walk around cluelessly with flip phones and don’t know how to turn on a computer. I don’t feel old, do you? It’s just mind boggling to me. I have never ever never ever ever never ever told someone to get off my lawn! WTF, we are not old :frowning:

I lost everything with my last husband, my retirement, everything. I’ll never do that again. If I ever get a job again, I’m going to hard my money and invest, not in stock, but most likely income producing commercial real estate. I need passive income just in case this ever happens again.

Now, it might be my only hope to blog, tweet, and TikTok with my little alter ego. I have hardly any twitter followers, but good engagement, I get retweeted quite bit and stuff like that, so TMZ reached out to me the other day asking me to comment on a story on live TV, and I was like HARD PASS lol. My alter ego accounts are completely anonymous because the work I’m looking for is way too conservative for anything I would have to say or comment on lol. I got me a pretty wig and giant sunglasses for TikTok :rofl:. I made all new accounts for my alter ego. Why not give it a shot because it might be the only chance I have for income.

I don’t know how many more you suck letters I can handle. I need to set up a rule to filter out any email with the word “unfortunately” or “even though” and send them right to the “you suck letters” folder.

I’m glad you’re here and sober too. I miss your deadliest catch stories and photography :slight_smile:


I miss you here too. You’re so fucking badass. Under the most dire circumstances. I miss your writing about (your) life here. I miss your optimism, or maybe better said you indomitable spirit. You remind me to keep going. We shall not compare ourselves with others but goddamned I’m a lucky bastard. Keep running my friend :people_hugging: :fire: :heart:


Excuse you! You are wayyyyy more badass than I’ll ever be!! I’m trying to find that crazy optimism that I used to have. I could find a silver lining on a piece of shit lol.

I’m trying to think of my favorite Beth story? Is it Geriatric 50 Shades of Grey? Hmmm lol

You do the same for me, my love :heart: I’m going to be here more! I start graduate school on Saturday, I’m excited :slight_smile: As soon as my time frees up a bit and I’m working, I told Robin I would be willing to pitch in and help you guys out with moderating :slight_smile: Teamwork makes the dreamwork lol

I do need to catch-up on all that’s going on with you. Mission get back to regular status hahahaaa


I value your presence here 100% and admire your spark and perseverance. My TS experience would be less without you gal. You’ve been on my mind recently because your struggles. I’m sorry there’s not much support coming from your family. Please know there are ppl here who care :yellow_heart:


You are such a mothafucking badass, I’m in awe of your strength. Sorry for not saying anything sooner, I’ve been reading about your recent struggles and just seeing how you’re able to pull yourself back up again is truly inspiring. I’ve definitely missed seeing you around bere on the regular, Beth.

Sending lots of love and internet hugs. :heart:


OMGGGGG yes yes yes, do it!!! You are so witty and clever and born to be an entertainer. What a world we live in that people can make so much money from videos on the internet! I saw that guy Mr. Beast makes 200k a day!? Whattt! So I say, go for it! If it doesn’t work out at least you had fun, right? Hehe I will be looking for you haha!

Girl, I feel you on this. I think it comes from a lifetime of being taken advantage of and unresolved trauma… Dirty men who have done who knows … years of black outs and regrets… (I’m speaking for myself but maybe you relate) years of being compared to other women and picked apart by men. Being cheated on. Idk… even sober it’s still there in that touch even with a harmless man with a decent heart, not all men are like that but I can’t help but think maybe I should try women? What is the answer??? Hmmm … therapy?? No. Idk.


Girl, I’ll follow you on the new TikTok account. Not sure if I’ll do instagram an instagram account yet, who knows, but if I do… I’ll follow you on the new ones. You’re going to hate me because now with my super groovy secret persona I’ll have 3 - 4 accounts to blow you up with stupid videos from :joy:

I’m going to add making a TikTok to my daily project management kanban. Probably the board that I never complete, ever, because I set unrealistic expectations for myself. Yeah, pretty sure I’ll put it on that board haha :heart:


Well, damn @Olivia @Amy30 , know how to make a gal feel fancy much :face_holding_back_tears: Seriously, I feel the same way about y’all.

I really did miss coming here. I went through a funk where I was convinced no one even noticed that I was gone. So, thank you, thank you soooo much from the bottom of my heart. I’m struggling quite a bit right now and things like this help more than you could ever know :heart: